There's no compromise here

[34and3]

Dh and I have been together 12 ish years and have three kids. The youngest is 9m. We've always had varying sex drives but now it's crunch time and I honestly feel this is going to be the breaking of us.

I've always had a low libido, happily go months years without it, vanilla sex at night in bed in the dark now and again is fine. Im 34. Not on hormonal contraceptives so won't blame that.

Dh is no raving sex lunatic but likes it what I'd call a standard amount and would like me to try it in different rooms, lights on etc. he says he'd like it once a week. He's 42.

Anyway, we've had this same conversation probably yearly since we first met and we're always going to be different. There's always been a something to "blame" it on: pregnancy, house stresses, new baby etc. but tbh im just seeking out a label to justify the fact I just can't be arsed.

Sex to me frankly is a chore. Im so bloody tired every day that if I can get another 10mins sleep instead of it then I will take it.l

Dh helps round the house, exercises a lot and is an attractive guy.

But basically it's all come to a head and I think it's crunch time before game over. But how can I explain an otherwise happy relationship and overthrowing three childrens lives just because of sex? That's ludicrous to me.

Counselling has been floated around but I don't want to discuss my sex life with a stranger. We have date nights now and again. I've even suggested he went elsewhere for sex but he recoiled at the idea.

Do I just have to accept it's time to let him go?

@NoSquirrels yes we were actively ttc but exceptionally lucky as fell pregnant first month each time so the "trying" was short lived probably to his disappointment

but he's defo just saying it because he feels he has to, as a dutiful husband, or so I believe

Have you always had an issue with self-esteem?

Some people are just asexual. They don't like sex. They might like everything else that comes with a relationship but not sex. No amount of vibrators or counselling will necessarily change that.
If you think that's you op, first, nothing wrong with it. But you would have to give your husband the choice to stay or go in what would be a sexless relationship I guess. That would be the first thing to do.

@NoSquirrels I've had three children. I'm left with a pair of flat spaniel ears for breasts, a C-section overhang and the rest. I don't even know how he could possible find me attractive let alone truly "beautiful" anymore.

He tells me I'm beautiful (but he's defo just saying it because he feels he has to, as a dutiful husband, or so I believe

Can you pull this apart a bit? This might be the crux of the 'low libido'. We all have differing libidos all the time. When we meet someone new, it shoots through the roof. When we're in pain, it's nothing. It's a moveable feast. If you feel like he doesn't actually find you attractive, and, worse, is duping you about it, that'd be a turn off for anybody.

Why don't you believe him?

Sorry, OP, cross post.

Some people really like spaniels..!

But seriously, it's perfectly possible that he would find you beautiful. Get to the bottom of why you don't believe this, before ending your marriage.

Exactly this.

I feel so sorry for your DH.

Hmm. OK.

I’ve had 2 DC, I also don’t have the body I did when I was younger. I do believe my DH when he says he finds me beautiful, though.

Because I understand our attraction to each other isn’t wholly rooted in the physicality of ourselves, but in our history and connection and so on. I do trust my DH that when he calls me beautiful he means it.

My mum died after a long marriage to my dad and he always told her how beautiful she was to him, even when cancer was ravishing her and objectively speaking she was certainly not looking beautiful. I always believed him too, when he said it (and I would hope she did). Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, and that means it’s not just about the physical.

That’s why I asked about your self esteem. It sounds to me like there is a lot you either don’t know about yourself yet, or don’t admit. Because it’s unlikely you ‘just can’t be arsed’ with sex.

Surely it's worth your embarrassment to speak to a Councillor to save your relationship and your family situation. I can't believe you would give up on what sounds like a good relationship just like that.

OP, do you love him?

@CantFindTheBeat I do yeah. It's not the crazy intense love it was to start with but that's normal right? 12 years in that's got to be normal!?

@34and3

Sounds like love to me.

I think your comment that your DH is trying to be nice when he says you're beautiful is quite telling.

My DH tells me how pretty/lovely I am all the time, and I certainly wouldn't win any beauty contests.

There are obviously many many reasons why you could feel this way, and self esteem and feeling attractive are just some of them,

It sounds so, so wrong to break up a loving, solid relationship and family without trying to resolve your sex drive incompatibility.

I want to echo other posters who’ve said some people just don’t like sex very much and there’s nothing wrong with that! @34and3 has said she’s never really wanted it very much, so why should she try to “fix it”? Her H knew this when he got into a relationship with her so if the marriage ends it’s not all on her.

@34and3 have you actually said to him that you just don’t want sex, that’s it? If so what does he say to you?

What do you mean by compromise? If you never want to shag him again do you expect him to stay with you? If he continues to want sex do you expect to want to stay with him?

It’s not just ending it over sex, though people can do that, it’s lack of communication.

@AnneLovesGilbert a compromise would be us staying together as a family unit and him getting sex elsewhere. However he doesn't want to do that which is fair enough. Counselling is an option but not a solution. Talking through the problem won't miraculously change us.

Talking through the problem won't miraculously change us.

No, it won’t change you but you don’t have to go to counselling expecting that. You could go with the expectation that you can set out how you feel and also work out together what will happen in the future, so you, your DH and your Dc come out of this in the best place possible.

Do you orgasm? Is there lots of oral? Massage? Build up?
What you're implying, seems to be that he doesn't rock your world in bed, therefore you find it a massive chore. I would too if it was PinV only.

Talking through the problem won't miraculously change us

I thought that, until I gave it a try, and it miraculously changed me.

OP, a compromise isn't where you identify a problem, then you suggest a compromise, and your partner does what you want.

What does he want? What's his suggestion for a compromise?

I can recommend my therapist - I did have to steel myself but actually it was fine, much more about how I feel and definitely not about graphic details, and would recommend some solo sessions before you do anything as drastic as break up your marriage.

@SwordToFlamethrower I give him oral because he likes it but I don't enjoy doing it. He doesn't to me because I feel really self conscious.

I think if you’re basically saying, There’s nothing that can ever change to make me want sex once a week with my husband, I’m basically content to be celibate, then you have to accept that’s your decision and accept it will split up the family.

If it’s more of a, I wish I knew how to want sex more frequently because I love my DH deeply and I see it’s not an unreasonable expectation, plus it’s not like I hate sex, then try counselling to explore why you feel low desire and if there is something behind it.

It might be that you end up with a not-once-a-week but more all-round closeness and physical affection/intimacy that will meet both your needs. But you absolutely have to be able to communicate openly and explore difficult things. That’s just a long-term relationship though.

I want us to stay together. I love him. I love us as a family and will do whatever I can to keep that. In turn however I feel im being forced to do something im not happy with but I guess I have to make sacrifices.

Does he know you feel forced? Does he know that you don't like giving him oral sex? What does he say, if he does know? If he doesn't know, why haven't you told him? What is it that stops you? How would you expect him to respond?

@Watchkeys by forced I mean I'm the one having to go against what I want to enable us to stay together - hence no compromise

No I've not told him explicitly but I've definitely alluded to fact I don't like it.

I feel im being forced to do something im not happy with

Can you unpick this? Your husband isn’t currently forcing you to have sex, and when you do it’s - OK? Not earth-shattering but not awful? You conceived a baby relatively recently, so you don’t not desire him/feel repulsed by him completely. You just feel a bit … meh? about the whole thing?

So the idea of the schedule is off-putting to you, makes it feel forced?

To be honest, sex begets sex. When you’re in a drought, your libido drops, you learn to live without it. Conversely the more you have it - and crucially the more you enjoy having it - the more sex you want. When you’re tired from small kids actually having a bit of a sex schedule/expectation isn’t so bad- it means you keep getting in the mood/being intimate even if you might otherwise think you can’t be arsed.

That’s NOT to say you should be pressured into sex if you don’t want it on any occasion. Consent is still moment by moment. But if you agree that e.g. Friday nights are couple time, for a massage, for time spent being physical together with no ‘must do PIV’ as the end goal, then it does mean you have to make the time, and your DH also has to make the effort to make that time for you too - running you a bath and putting the kids to bed himself etc.

You do both have to want to make it a priority though.