There's no compromise here

[34and3]

Dh and I have been together 12 ish years and have three kids. The youngest is 9m. We've always had varying sex drives but now it's crunch time and I honestly feel this is going to be the breaking of us.

I've always had a low libido, happily go months years without it, vanilla sex at night in bed in the dark now and again is fine. Im 34. Not on hormonal contraceptives so won't blame that.

Dh is no raving sex lunatic but likes it what I'd call a standard amount and would like me to try it in different rooms, lights on etc. he says he'd like it once a week. He's 42.

Anyway, we've had this same conversation probably yearly since we first met and we're always going to be different. There's always been a something to "blame" it on: pregnancy, house stresses, new baby etc. but tbh im just seeking out a label to justify the fact I just can't be arsed.

Sex to me frankly is a chore. Im so bloody tired every day that if I can get another 10mins sleep instead of it then I will take it.l

Dh helps round the house, exercises a lot and is an attractive guy.

But basically it's all come to a head and I think it's crunch time before game over. But how can I explain an otherwise happy relationship and overthrowing three childrens lives just because of sex? That's ludicrous to me.

Counselling has been floated around but I don't want to discuss my sex life with a stranger. We have date nights now and again. I've even suggested he went elsewhere for sex but he recoiled at the idea.

Do I just have to accept it's time to let him go?

So what are you going to do? Will you go to counselling with him? Will you hear his needs & respond to them?

He sounds like a good loving man. You are very lucky.

We've agreed I need to deal with my personal insecurities before I can attempt to deal with issues as a couple.

Can you understand that he probably feels used and deceived? That he now realises that you only ever tolerated sex with him, that you were happy to fuck him when you wanted something, i.e. his sperm, but otherwise he can just do one and you have no real interest in an intimate connection with him at all?

I am really glad to hear this OP.

I hope you get the help you need and that you and your husband go on to have a long and happy marriage.

"But in my opinion a broken otherwise happy marriage and family because he's not getting his leg over is ludicrous to me."

This is a pretty contemptuous attitude towards the man you are married to and whom you claim to love. It is completely normal for a man to expect that that sex with his wife will be a normal and happy part of his marriage. His desire to be physically intimate with his spouse is not some creepy weirdo thing that you should feel comfortable denigrating.

You said that sex to get pregnant was functional. Do you think that is a normal way for a married couple to view sex? What do you think separates marriage from other relationships? Is it not the physical intimacy? I'm confused.

I feel so sad for your poor husband. It is humiliating and soul destroying to be treated as if wanting to be intimate with your spouse is a burden or a chore to be exchanged for something the other person wants.

I disagree. Based on your posts here, I'd suggest that's a delaying tactic by you.

Why can't you go to counselling together? Your personal issues will come up there, and can be addressed through separate meetings if needed.

Leaving him hanging on like this is deeply unfair.

@EarringsandLipstick hits the nail on the head. In fact, I read OP's update as her husband having essentially caved in to her original op of no sex but he stays for the family. I believe this 'forced' result by OP (which is also her way of thinking as evidenced by her many posts) is also WHY op feels she can basically 1) demand this outcome and 2) get it from DH without her making the effort. She kept asking why it should be HER sacrificing/ making an effort to meet the two of them in the middle. God, poor man!

Whenever someone posts that the man they’re seeing didn’t have sex with his ex for years she’s told he’s definitely lying. Or that they’re seeing a married man who claims he’s only staying for the kids but the real marriage is dead, she’s told of course they’re still sleeping together and he’s having her on.

And yet here’s a perfect example of how it can be true. The second in a couple of days.

Did you do it more than once a week when you wanted to conceive?

Are you a SAHM OP? If you are, I'd make sure your ducks are in a row to be able to support a single parent household if your DH decides he's had enough of being bereft of affection.

Is it possible you're asexual? There's nothing wrong with that but, if so, you owe it to your husband to be honest about it so he can make a decision about his future with full knowledge things won't change.

He's probably getting it elsewhere already.

I know of a man who was in a sex-less relationship (resentfully so) with his wife. They used to have the same relationship talks time to time as the OP is having with her DH. He also rejected the idea of an open relationship - apparently he didn't want to risk making a bond with another woman and then losing his house and kids.
He was visiting sex workers frequently though. That's how he achieved the "no pressure" on the wife.
He met someone soon enough and the divorce ensued.

To me this "no pressure" and "he hopes for a sex life in the future" thing sounds like a man who's already checked out.

I'm on maternity leave but back to work in January, I'm the main earner. The house was also bought outright by my parents and it remains in their name. So financially - if - we split, I'd be totally fine.

@QueenCamilla he works from home and then spends his evenings with us so I'm 99.9% sure that's not the case but ok

I hope this is the case.

my ex used to wfh so in my eyes was home all the time, but later found out when he was “popping out to get milk and bumped into a friend,” he was out cheating on me. Don’t be so naive - they will find a way of getting sex without you finding out.

also with regards to you being totally fine financially after splitting - I would get legal advice on this. I was earning more than my ex, but because it was a marriage of more than 5 years he was entitled to my pension etc, I ended up having to pay him off. Check the house situation also.

@Drinknumber11 the house is firmly 100% my parents to do what they like with as they are the owners. No mortgage. Entirely theirs. Legal advice sought long ago about that.

Even if he did take half my pension etc the house itself which though in my parents name, was bought for me. So I'll be very comfortable if divorce ever happened.

Not homeboy! ‘comfortable’

Dh has been shopping with the kids this morning and bought me home some flowers. I'm feeling positive about trying to sort my issues. I'm googling some counsellors. On Wednesday I'm seeing a gynae (totally unrelated reason) but will mention the libido issues and see if she can help physiologically. Dh is coming with me to the appt.

Good for you - a brave and necessary step. I wish you all the best and I feel sure it will help you greatly no matter the outcome for your relationship

I do not understand these comments!

People do realize they are telling op to allow her husband to rape her, right?

She doesn’t want it (and that is okey), so it would be rape.
Plain and simple.

What is going on with this thread?!?

Op, I am so sorry you have to read this stuff.

That is a huge misrepresentation of what has been said on this thread.

Read it again.

I did. Telling op to have sex when she doesn’t want to.
And that’s what I saw in these comment.
Fucking scary.
How the commentors look themselves in the mirror is a mystery.

Most people have NOT said she should have sex if she doesn’t want to. Read it again.

A couple of people have said "lie back and think of England", which I don't support at all. The vast, vast majority have said that the situation is not sustainable and that the op should get some help. You are misrepresenting what has been said and are not helping the op at all.

God please tell me this is an invented story. You get worse & worse with every update.