There's no compromise here

[34and3]

Dh and I have been together 12 ish years and have three kids. The youngest is 9m. We've always had varying sex drives but now it's crunch time and I honestly feel this is going to be the breaking of us.

I've always had a low libido, happily go months years without it, vanilla sex at night in bed in the dark now and again is fine. Im 34. Not on hormonal contraceptives so won't blame that.

Dh is no raving sex lunatic but likes it what I'd call a standard amount and would like me to try it in different rooms, lights on etc. he says he'd like it once a week. He's 42.

Anyway, we've had this same conversation probably yearly since we first met and we're always going to be different. There's always been a something to "blame" it on: pregnancy, house stresses, new baby etc. but tbh im just seeking out a label to justify the fact I just can't be arsed.

Sex to me frankly is a chore. Im so bloody tired every day that if I can get another 10mins sleep instead of it then I will take it.l

Dh helps round the house, exercises a lot and is an attractive guy.

But basically it's all come to a head and I think it's crunch time before game over. But how can I explain an otherwise happy relationship and overthrowing three childrens lives just because of sex? That's ludicrous to me.

Counselling has been floated around but I don't want to discuss my sex life with a stranger. We have date nights now and again. I've even suggested he went elsewhere for sex but he recoiled at the idea.

Do I just have to accept it's time to let him go?

People do realize they are telling op to allow her husband to rape her, right?

That's a disgraceful comment. Of course they aren't. Her DH has been respectful & considerate throughout. Unlike OP.

A mutually fulfilling sexual relationship is normally an accepted part of marriage, and this is all OP's DH is trying to achieve

OP, I cannot believe that you are happy to have your H in this position. He loves you & wants to be with you, but you are disregarding his feelings & wishes. You go on to say that you are comfortable financially and wrt the house you live in (despite what you say, I find it implausible he has no claim on the house, if it was made explicit that it was the family home, intended for you & not really your parents, as you are trying to suggest).

But more and more I'm 🤔 about this thread.

More sex = higher libido. The more you do it, the more you'll want it. I've been there and was exactly like your situation.

To begin with I do think (your choice completely) you've got to kind of put the effort in and then you'll naturally begin enjoying/wanting it more. Not saying you'll become a raving nymphomaniac, but it may help to save your marriage.

@Basilthymerosemary to be honest I think the first time will have to be to an extent grin and bear it to get the wheels turning. I don't drink but maybe a wine would actually help. A lot of the anxiety is actually trying in the first place. The longer time goes on, the harder it is.

I've been really sad reading this thread @34and3 . Number if things from your lack of desire but also the willingness to send your husband off into the arms of another women for sex, for which the reality is if it started as a FWB, it could rapidly become more when she is giving him what you cannot.

There sounds like all sorts of potential reasons for lack of libido and could be a mix of them. I think trying to reduce your tiredness would be a good start and if you can get some you time, using a gym to give you space, exercise and improve your body imagine would be a good move.

I would discuss with your DH, take every opportunity such as counselling and also improve confidence and body image because ultimately this will at some point break your marriage. A marriage without sex and intimacy is friendship.

I really wish you all the best, but if you can't fix it, then the decent thing is for you to end the marriage, as opposed to putting the responsibility on him.

That sounds like a very positive step forward OP.

I haven't read all the replies, but I have read all your posts. With kindness OP, sex is so much more than a biological function to conceive. It's about shared intimacy and pleasure, it releases hormones and endorphins that improve our wellbeing and connection.

It may well be lack of libido, but it does seem that you have some very deepseated attitudes towards sex and see it more as function or chore to endure, rather than something that is perfectly normal and pleasurable to do in it's own right. Again with kindness, exploring this with a counsellor might really help to unpick some of your thoughts about sex and give yourself permission to actually want to enjoy it.

Thank you @Baileysandcream and @Sunflowergirl1

It's more about digging deep in the OP's heart and trying to scrape a shred of desire/love that she has for her husband enough to be actually be open to just lying there while he does all the work, once in a while. If she can't even find this then seriously what is the point of this marriage?!! The kids/friendship I know but that is clearly one sided - the husband wants more than that, so at the end of the day, it is not fair to him! He wants a full marriage not a friendship.

Ummm but he is not happy….. so it’s not a happy marriage is it.

You are so so dismissive of your husband’s feelings. Have you always been like this?

With you op sooner have a rest plus a cuppa from the kids than sex