There's no compromise here

[34and3]

Dh and I have been together 12 ish years and have three kids. The youngest is 9m. We've always had varying sex drives but now it's crunch time and I honestly feel this is going to be the breaking of us.

I've always had a low libido, happily go months years without it, vanilla sex at night in bed in the dark now and again is fine. Im 34. Not on hormonal contraceptives so won't blame that.

Dh is no raving sex lunatic but likes it what I'd call a standard amount and would like me to try it in different rooms, lights on etc. he says he'd like it once a week. He's 42.

Anyway, we've had this same conversation probably yearly since we first met and we're always going to be different. There's always been a something to "blame" it on: pregnancy, house stresses, new baby etc. but tbh im just seeking out a label to justify the fact I just can't be arsed.

Sex to me frankly is a chore. Im so bloody tired every day that if I can get another 10mins sleep instead of it then I will take it.l

Dh helps round the house, exercises a lot and is an attractive guy.

But basically it's all come to a head and I think it's crunch time before game over. But how can I explain an otherwise happy relationship and overthrowing three childrens lives just because of sex? That's ludicrous to me.

Counselling has been floated around but I don't want to discuss my sex life with a stranger. We have date nights now and again. I've even suggested he went elsewhere for sex but he recoiled at the idea.

Do I just have to accept it's time to let him go?

I think therapy would actually be great for you. Not with your DH but on your own. Don't go into it expecting it to fix anything. But I think it will help you to understand yourself a lot better. It could help you to explore if your lack of desire is from your upbringing or trauma. You could find out that you're actually gay or asexual. Or just knackered after 3 kids.

Just talked to my rl friend about all this and as well as genuine advice she said "well tbh it's something he pisses out of going into something you bleed out of". Well that's enough to make me not want to!!

by forced I mean I'm the one having to go against what I want to enable us to stay together

So are you saying that what you actively want is to not have sex at all, really?

As opposed to it’s a situation that’s happened more passively?

If you’re happy to talk to a friend about your sex life troubles, then you should definitely get over the idea of not wanting to talk to a therapist.

Playing devil’s advocate- you’ve had 3 children with him so you’re perfectly capable of having sex when you want to? Assume he didn’t force you to have sex when you conceived?

I think it would be a real shame to ruin an otherwise sound relationship - and really upset your children- without doing a damn sight more work together.

@DazzlePaintedBattlePants very true - but it was functional. Purposely to get pregnant .

But yes work needs to be done to sort this out.

Can I ask whether you all feel body confident naked in front of your oh? I'm a size 8 so I look slim in clothes but underneath it's all horrible. Knowing that so much of sex is visual, I'll need to work on my body first in order to build self confidence and thus to feel more attractive, and on goes the cycle.

No advice but i can relate! After work, kids, housework etc i can be bothered either i don't have the energy or the desire to do so. For me i don't think counselling would help unless they were going to look after the kids, clean and cook and do my job for me occasionally. Im hoping as the kids the older i might have some more free time and not feel so exhausted all the time x

Do you want to change your desire to have sex, as in do you see it as something you’d like to enjoy and want but just can’t get there, or would you be happy being celibate? If it’s not something you’re too bothered about (beyond wanting to do it enough to stay married) it’s going to be hard to motivate yourself to explore change.

If you would rather end your marriage than go to counselling then I think it is game over. How can the embarrassment be worse than breaking up a good relationship? I understand embarrassment, don't get me wrong. I would be mortified too, but I would force myself to do it if the alternative is divorce.

Is it possible you have low libido because you don't like yourself very much? Or at least the way you look? You are very hard on yourself when you talk about your appearance etc. It's no wonder you don't want sex if you don't ever feel sexy!

Charming.

Ok, but you can't expect to be with someone who does want sex, can you?

No one should feel pressured into sex but splitting up an otherwise happy family (especially one that includes children) purely based on a mismatched sex drive seems incredibly sad.

If your sex drive is really low and you dislike the idea of sex in general, I’d see your GP. There could be a physical or psychological reason you’re not aware of.

If you just don’t often fancy it, but actually enjoy it when you do have sex, I’d think about compromising on semi regular times to be intimate.

This sounds like it may be one of the problems OP. I've gone up a couple of sizes since having kids and my body is certainly not what it used to be. But DH still finds me attractive, and I just accept it as part of having kids and getting older. I'd love to lose some weight and be more toned but more for myself. If you're relying on improving your body to improve your sex life, you may be waiting a long time.
Did you always have low self esteem? Can't you believe that DH may actually find you attractive?

I do find that making the effort is so good for building intimacy and makes us feel very close to each other emotionally. The feeling last days. The more you do it, the more you want to do it. I really love my husband and I love making him feel happy. It makes me happy too.
I get the impression given your comments about suggesting he looks elsewhere for sex, that you don't value him. In which case split up and let him find someone who does want him.

This is the crux of it.

Shut your eyes and think of England?
You’re right it’s not worth breaking up a marriage over this, certainly one that has produced three DC.

You definitely need new friends, OP, and I'm not even joking.

There’s so much to unpick here, OP, and it comes down to a question other people have posed and you haven’t entirely answered - have you ever enjoyed sex?

It’s common to lack libido at certain times, especially with young children. I reckon most of us have been there at one point or another with can’t be arsed mentality - it’s just one more thing someone wants from you.

But reading between the lines, it sounds a bit like you’ve never particularly enjoyed sex, and there’s normally a reason for that, be it hormones or psychology.

If you love your husband, and want to save the relationship, isn’t it at worth looking at what the reasons might be? Seeing whether hormones, or a change of contraception, or a counsellor might help?

FWIW I’d offer exactly the same advice to someone saying their husband had completely gone off sex.

@TheOtherBoleynGirls thank you. Over the years I've tried being both on and off (currently off) hormonal contraceptives to see how that affects me. Dh had a vasectomy after no3 so don't actually need contraception and therefore I'd rather remain au naturale myself.

I like sex physically when I actually orgasm now and again (never do with intercourse, ever) but I've not experienced what others describe as being a love connection. I love my husband but sex doesn't make me feel more so iykwim.

I think therapy is a really good idea. I understand you don't want to discuss it with a stranger, but you are right, it is a shame to give up on your marriage without exploring various avenues when you are otherwise satisfied.

It may be that you decide you are happy with your libido and you do not want to work to change things, fair enough, that is absolutely your right.

You might decide that you want to connect with yourself sexually and discover you do have a libido lurking in there. Perhaps you have never fully developed you sense of sexual self, perhaps you are asexual, or demisexual

There are various possibilities, and I think a qualified third party would be very useful in helping you sort out what you really want and helping you to understand yourself better.

It is unlikely that your relationship is sustainable in the long term if you have no interest at all, that is worthwhile exploring. Especially the interplay between what is going on in your relationship and how sexy you feel and whether you are experiencing a sense of pressure etc. You might like to think about that on your own, or you could do it with your husband.

COSRT is the best source for finding a qualified sex therapist, they have a registry online and ensure that everyone on it is maintaining professional standards.

I think it’s definitely game over if you’re unwilling to explore the reason with a therapist and try and fix it. Would some more exciting sex help? If you don’t ever orgasm through PIV sex them maybe explore other things as part of your sex life. It is normal for libido to drop when kids are young, but I think yes it’s unreasonable to not want to fix things and expect your DH in his early 40’s to have no more sex. He clearly loves you and wants to have sex with you, not someone else. Believe me a separation is tough, tough on you, your DH and the kids. If it meant keeping the family together I’d definitely explore ways of fixing this. If you establish after that you really don’t want to have sex with him ever again then you have to be honest about that and let him take a decision based on honesty

I'll be blunt too - I'm guessing the only reason the op felt a need to mention that is because of stupid reactions like yours. You're basically making it into a transactional thing - man do housework, woman give him sex.

What's wrong with women enjoying and wanting sex rather than feeling like the owe it? And in exchange for domestic chores no less.

OP should focus on the reasons why she doesn't enjoy sex. Because it should be enjoyable, and that would likely increase her desire.

Yes, I realised that, sorry. I didn't think he was actively 'forcing you'; it's clear that that's not the case from your other posts.

Can I ask you why you've not told him explicitly, and what his response was when you alluded to not liking it?