There's no compromise here

[34and3]

Dh and I have been together 12 ish years and have three kids. The youngest is 9m. We've always had varying sex drives but now it's crunch time and I honestly feel this is going to be the breaking of us.

I've always had a low libido, happily go months years without it, vanilla sex at night in bed in the dark now and again is fine. Im 34. Not on hormonal contraceptives so won't blame that.

Dh is no raving sex lunatic but likes it what I'd call a standard amount and would like me to try it in different rooms, lights on etc. he says he'd like it once a week. He's 42.

Anyway, we've had this same conversation probably yearly since we first met and we're always going to be different. There's always been a something to "blame" it on: pregnancy, house stresses, new baby etc. but tbh im just seeking out a label to justify the fact I just can't be arsed.

Sex to me frankly is a chore. Im so bloody tired every day that if I can get another 10mins sleep instead of it then I will take it.l

Dh helps round the house, exercises a lot and is an attractive guy.

But basically it's all come to a head and I think it's crunch time before game over. But how can I explain an otherwise happy relationship and overthrowing three childrens lives just because of sex? That's ludicrous to me.

Counselling has been floated around but I don't want to discuss my sex life with a stranger. We have date nights now and again. I've even suggested he went elsewhere for sex but he recoiled at the idea.

Do I just have to accept it's time to let him go?

Op lots of what you're saying is related to how you feel about your own body. Im not sure if this is universal to women? but I've found I go off sex when i don't feel good about myself. For me its about living life one stress to another, hair constantly in a messy bun, someone always needing me, barely a moment for a bath. None of it makes me feel...desirable or desiring. I dont really care about my bodys look, I mean my stomach is like a football in a shopping bag when im on all fours so its not because my body is perfect 😂 I agree with pps that individual therapy would be helpful because it sounds like desire for you is connected somehow with body confidence?

Oh also you mentioned not orgasming from penetrative sex...most women don't as far as I'm aware. I never have. Is your husband...Good in the oral dept?

I like sex physically when I actually orgasm now and again (never do with intercourse, ever) but I've not experienced what others describe as being a love connection. I love my husband but sex doesn't make me feel more so iykwim.

Again, lots packed in one sentence!

What do you mean by “love connection”? Do you mean the idea of “making love”? Lots of people don’t - sex can just be something physically fun without making you feel all soppy. I don’t think I’ve ever “made love”! But that doesn’t mean I love my DH less.

Re orgasming, is this because your DH doesn’t do things that pleasure you? Is it because he doesn’t want to, or you don’t let him? Do you do oral, use toys? I imagine a huge number of women don’t orgasm from straight intercourse, and then it moves on to what else can be incorporated into sex, and then whether you or your DH are willing to try that.

I don’t mean to say that you should answer these questions on a public forum, but hopefully food for thought. It’s only one potential avenue but, if you don’t enjoy sex because you don’t orgasm from just PIV intercourse, but you do from other stimulation but you don’t feel comfortable with that (I think you said you don’t feel comfortable doing some things as you feel unattractive, but apologies if I’m wrong) then there is actually a lot to unpick that would be worth considering before just deciding your DH should either lose the marriage or get sex elsewhere.

I'm not surprised you don't want sex when you don't orgasm from piv, feel too self conscious for cunnilingus and are performing felatio when you don't want to.

He sounds like a terrible lover who uses you like a fuck doll. I wouldn't want to have sex with a rapey man like that either.

He should go to a sex therapist on his own and learn what good sex for women is.

And if you are so tired you long for 10 more minutes sleep he needs to either do more housework or pay for a cleaner.

I wouldn't want to have sex with a rapey man like that either

OP has an otherwise respectful relationship with him, loves him, and hasn't communicated clearly to him how she feels.

Rapey?

Fucking hell you have some issues.

altmember wtf are you talking about?
You haven’t read my post at all. I said sex should be enjoyable for everyone. And it can be when the circumstances are right.
The op implies she is knackered after looking after 3 children and doing the housework. She used the words my dh helps. Nobody suggested this, she said it herself.
Op you said you have suggested your dh have sex with someone else. This is a terrible idea. What if the woman he has sex with falls for him and then puts pressure on him to leave you? What if he does have sex with someone else, experiences a connection and thinks actually I don’t want to stay in a sexless marriage.
It’s a huge sacrifice to make. I think you need to seek counselling.

@caroleanboneparte wtaf

Ill get flamed for this but all you've got do is open your legs.

Bring it on 😣😖🔥

I agree. You should go to a counsellor.

I would also prepare to be single for the rest of your life.

@Dacadactyl why's that? Are you of the belief that sex is compulsory?

Sex in a relationship is pretty much compulsory though- it’s not something most people would be happy without unless they’re asexual

@Shoxfordian in your opinion ok. It's absolutely not the be all or end all to me.

But it sounds like it is to your husband and you cannot unilaterally end his sex life for the rest of his life...

Yeah but your husband isn’t unreasonable to want to be married to a woman who finds him sexually desirable and wants an occasional shag

Yes I think it's compulsory in a marriage. I believe that saying to your husband "I don't want to have sex anymore" for no reason other than "I don't want to do it", is unfair and unacceptable. Just like I'd take a dim view of my husband deciding he doesn't want to have sex with me anymore for no reason.

If you are ill (mentally or physically) then that is different. But to just say to him "your sex life is over and im going to do sod all to try and get help with this" is bang out of order.

If you know you can take or leave sex, you need to be clear about that. I think youll find there's very few men wanting a relationship minus the sex.

I can't believe you seriously think that is a compromise.

Your poor DH. The issue is sex is one thing; your refusal to communicate, explore your own feelings and his, and diminish what marriage means to him, is awful.

@34and3

I feel very sorry for you too. It seems clear from your posts you've very deep-rooted feelings about your body & attractiveness (you can't believe your DH when he says you are beautiful) and this is linked to your enjoyment of sex.

It would really benefit you to have therapy, and exploring these issues is respectful to your DH too.

Can you open up more to your DH about how how you feel about your body / sex?

Ok thanks for all your opinions. They largely differ from mine. I've never once said my husband has to do anything. My op said about letting him go if that's what he wants. Sex has been functional, to conceive, bar the odd few times in the early days. I'm 34 with three kids so I don't need it for it's biological purpose anymore. I'm very body conscious, size 8 so technically reasonably slim but it's not a nice body at all. I haven't had a bikini wax for ages which in itself is an, albeit small, reason to not want to be naked around him. I'm exhausted all the bloody time. I'm all touched out with two kids and a baby. My own time is rare so when I can relax I don't want the frankly chore that is going through the motions of sex. Dh is able to pleasure himself if he so wishes or get sex elsewhere as an open relationship, or understandably leave the marriage altogether if that's his choice. But in my opinion a broken otherwise happy marriage and family because he's not getting his leg over is ludicrous to me.

Bottom line - opinions. I have them. He has them. Mums netters have them. No one is right. No one is wrong.

There are lots of threads on here from women whose husbands don't want to have sex with them anymore and it leads to significant problems with self esteem. If you decide just to be friends without sex and intimacy, there is no need to be married. You can co parent and he can find someone who lives and desires him. Hard on the children though. It sounds as if you are asexual and that you would be happier without being in a sexual relationship

I could be wrong - but it sounds like you want the sex back in the relationship, but aren’t really willing to do anything to make this happen - presumably because this would mean being pushed out of the comfort zone you’re in now. You won’t be the only people with differing libidos.

You say that you don’t want counselling as you don’t want to discuss your sex life with a stranger. Having counselling for ANY reason is hard - because you have to make yourself vulnerable by opening up and then you feel scared that you will be judged or be blamed for something. I’ve had counselling for different reasons and it was so hard in the beginning for the reasons I have just given. It is however one of the best things I have done. Key is to find a counsellor that you feel comfortable with and have a rapport with - you may need to try a few people.

I really hope things work out for you.

Psychosexual counselling can be hugely helpful.
But it sounds like you don't want it to get better? Either way for the sake of your children I would give it a go.

It sounds like your neutral about sex rather than dislike it? But it is a chore rather than an enjoyment.

If this is the case, to save your marriage, is it not worth exchanging 'chores' with DH? Sex once a week, and he wakes that night with the baby. You have four hours the following Saturday on your own for you. He does the weekly shop. Or whatever helps you rest and feel like you're getting a good deal. Not coercion, not manipulation, but a transaction- (if you don't mind sex just can't be bothered/no energy) to have a happy, healthy marriage?

Reading this I think psychosexual therapy would help you a huge amount.
I am just wondering, how was sex talked about / going presented to you growing up?
You could be asexual but the fact that you are unwilling to talk about your sex life to a therapist & want to have sex in the dark tells me that there is a huge taboo around it. You could get to know yourself better and this might help you in all walks of life.

Does he meet your emotional needs? I have trouble wanting sex much without the emotional connection.