There's no compromise here

[34and3]

Dh and I have been together 12 ish years and have three kids. The youngest is 9m. We've always had varying sex drives but now it's crunch time and I honestly feel this is going to be the breaking of us.

I've always had a low libido, happily go months years without it, vanilla sex at night in bed in the dark now and again is fine. Im 34. Not on hormonal contraceptives so won't blame that.

Dh is no raving sex lunatic but likes it what I'd call a standard amount and would like me to try it in different rooms, lights on etc. he says he'd like it once a week. He's 42.

Anyway, we've had this same conversation probably yearly since we first met and we're always going to be different. There's always been a something to "blame" it on: pregnancy, house stresses, new baby etc. but tbh im just seeking out a label to justify the fact I just can't be arsed.

Sex to me frankly is a chore. Im so bloody tired every day that if I can get another 10mins sleep instead of it then I will take it.l

Dh helps round the house, exercises a lot and is an attractive guy.

But basically it's all come to a head and I think it's crunch time before game over. But how can I explain an otherwise happy relationship and overthrowing three childrens lives just because of sex? That's ludicrous to me.

Counselling has been floated around but I don't want to discuss my sex life with a stranger. We have date nights now and again. I've even suggested he went elsewhere for sex but he recoiled at the idea.

Do I just have to accept it's time to let him go?

There’s a lot of mutual incomprehension on this thread!

I think for someone who’s never been that into sex, like OP, it’s hard to see sexual intimacy as something which could be fundamental to their partner’s contentment and sense of self-worth rather than equivalent to a hobby.

And then on the other hand there’s the ‘just make yourself have sex regularly and you’ll enjoy it, you need to get back in the habit’ brigade. Maybe for some people, but sex done as a chore and faking enjoyment can be utterly miserable, resented and kill one’s libido stone dead.

It’s hard.

@Dacadactyl once a month sounds doable. In a grin and bear it kind of way or "maintenance sex" as I've seen floating around on mn before.

Another poster also said about "exchanging chores" which I guess is in a similar vain. I'll do it if you give me an afternoon on my own sort of thing.

I'd be so hurt if my husband told me to just get it elsewhere. I didn't marry anyone elsewhere and commit to spend my life with them. Have you just had enough of the marriage?

Your happy, your husband isn't and you don't appear to care that he isn't happy.

Like I said, that only ends one way.

Why shouldn't he make the effort to take the heat off

You've removed one of the vital elements of an intimate relationship. You need to make him understand that it's not coming back, and ask him to make a clear decision about what he's going to do to solve the problem that this naturally causes him. If you haven't done this yet, he's in the dark and going without, and you're very uncompromising. Suggesting he go elsewhere isn't a compromise. A compromise is an attempt to get closer to what everybody wants. He doesn't want to go elsewhere. He wants what he vowed to be part of: a relationship including sex.

If you're insisting that he change, and that you'll do nothing to look into the issue from your side, I expect he'll leave you, not due to lack of sex, but due to an unwillingness to play an active role in solving a major issue in your marriage.

You are very rigid in your thinking. Which is good in a way as that means your thinking can be changed with counselling and suddenly everything seems very different!

You clearly have serious body image issues - most women would KILL to be a size 8, I know I would!

You're also convinced you'll never enjoy sex hence the compromise is yours.

What about the idea that counselling will allow you to:

• love the body you've got
• believe your husband when he says your gorgeous
• relax when you are intimate (not just sex)
• enjoy having sex and feel better after it

All these things are very possible if you open your mind slightly

You need to be very clear with him that this is how you feel. If he's a decent, respectful man, he won't be asking to have sex with you again. Problem solved.

Poor man.

Are you maybe a bit depressed OP? I know its hard with the kids etc, and daily life seems like endless drudgery sometimes, so do try to carve out some time to be alone and feel like yourself again.

I would hang on in there, keep talking to your husband and definitely think about body image/other counselling. You would be doing yourself (and your husband and kids) a great injustice not to explore every avenue.

Did you want sex when you got married? The reason I suggested medical check and counselling was to see if there could be a hormonal issue for low sex drive, or to see if there is some aspect of your life that you might uncover that will make you feel more able to engage more intimately (and willingly) with your husband. If there's nothing there you need to ask yourself honestly if this marriage is something you still want.

Op you said this

I love him. I love us as a family and will do whatever I can to keep that.

Except you won't go to therapy to unpick why you don't want to have sex with your husband, or perhaps with anyone. You might find it uncomfortable, but can you see that you're being really unreasonable, expecting your husband to give up sex (or have sex once a month with a woman who begrudges it and thinks she's doing you a favour), to live in a marriage where he isn't sexually wanted, to be with a woman who cares so little about him that she's suggested he gets another relationship for sex? And you say he would be unreasonable to 'throw it away'?

You should never have sex you don't want. But also, you shouldn't unilaterally end someone else's sex life, or expect them to have begrudging sex for the rest of their days. If you don't want to have sex ever, and if you aren't willing to try unpicking it to see if you could come to enjoy it more, then you have to accept that your marriage is probably over (unless you were in the unusual position of being with someone who is also not interested).

It's really unfair to say your husband would be throwing away an otherwise great marriage 'just' for sex. I see it as you would be throwing away an otherwise great marriage because you weren't willing to put aside your discomfort of talking to a therapist. Of course you aren't obliged to try to 'get over' your dislike of sex. You have to decide if that is more or less important than the overall marriage.

If you try, and find that is who you are and who you will always be, then at least you've tried. If you don't want to try, fair enough that's your choice. But don't then blame your husband if the marriage eventually ends. I would be so hurt if my husband didn't fancy me or want me sexually, and said he'd rather I found someone else. That's such a cruel thing to say.

Counselling is if you want to fix an issue but I'm very happy not having sex. It's my husbands decision what he'd like to do and I will respect whatever that is.

Except that you fundamentally don’t respect his decision. You think it’s him ‘breaking up your happy family to get his leg over’. You are taking no responsibility at all for seemingly being in a marriage that is based on a fundamental incompatibility and misrepresentation: you only ever wanted sex to conceive, and now you’re done, but that’s not what your husband signed up to.

THAT is why you need counselling. To fix THAT problem. That your marriage is based on a false contract.

@34and3 I think if I was your dh the grin and bear it sex would really upset me.
Sex in a relationship is about the giving and receiving of a shared and intimate physical expression of love.
If sex is something you really do not enjoy or want but your dh does then you have to accept that your marriage is probably over.

Frankly if you refuse counselling you’re just throwing your marriage away for sheer laziness, which is not something to be proud of. I think children are owed more than that by their parents. ‘I wish you and daddy had stayed together.’ ‘Well darling your dad is great but mummy just could not be arsed. You know how I tell you to work at a problem? Yeah nah you getting to live with mummy and daddy just wasn’t worth the effort.’ If he’s as good a guy as you say how do you feel about him finding someone else, and some other woman being their stepmum- maybe going to their games and plays, cooking Christmas biscuits with them…?
see a therapist. You talk about body image- they might suggest blindfolded cuddles, not kinky just without the visuals etc, I’ve no idea but you can’t be a unique special case. It would be nice for you to get some more
pleasure from sex too.

'Just sex' is a fundamental part of marriage or a relationship (although there may times / reasons where it is not possible or desired). It's also, for healthy relationships, linked to an emotional connection that supports the marriage. I'm really doubting how genuine you are at this point OP, to write this.

In a grin and bear it kind of way or "maintenance sex" as I've seen floating around on mn before.

No. No sane posters suggest someone just 'endures' sex like you describe. 'Maintenance sex' is a term (not one I really like) used to refer to seeing sex as important and therefore scheduling or planning it, and not waiting to be in the mood as such. The maintaining part refers to its role in maintaining the health of your relationship. It's not meant to be a chore that is done unwillingly and with no expectation of pleasure.

Ok. Over and out. I'm not really being heard. Thanks all.

I haven't read the full thread but just some food for thought. I was in an abusive relationship with my ex. Sex was great until one day it wasn't and I subconsciously just went off it and found it painful. Day to day the problems were that I went to bed at 11 and he went to bed at 4am then I got up at a normal hour and he stayed in bed until late so sex didn't happen. He didn't do anything in the house so all weekend I was doing jobs. He would only try to have sex with me when I was in the middle of something like cooking or hoovering so I wasn't in the mood and was busy and this would lead to a big fight because i was "always rejecting him". The sex was really much better for him. I sometimes orgasmed after but the actual sex part I found horrible. I would have much preferred non penetrative sex and would have been up for this a lot more frequently (there's some interesting stuff online about the orgasm gap and how women are pressured to have full sex because its "real sex" whereas a lot of women would prefer other types of sex but our needs are not met by men). I also felt fat (and he always told me i was). He blamed me for the fact I didn't want it but actually he could have done lots of things to improve my receptiveness to it. A lot of my reluctance was a response to things he was doing but that never crossed his mind and he ignored me when i told him how i felt. Now, I'm not saying your husband is abusive but maybe some of the issues are still relevant. If you don't enjoy intercourse or oral maybe you need to find another way to have sex that you do like and he needs to compromise on this (at least sometimes). Is there an equal division of labour. Is there a time of day or environment that would work for you. Does he actually make you feel like sex is worthwhile, could he be doing more to please you. This is not a problem for you to solve for him. You both need to talk openly and see what might help but ultimately if there's no way forward splitting is the last resort.

No, you’re not listening to the overwhelming and similar advice you are being offered.

Your attitude is terrible and I don't think there's any point in staying in your marriage you should set him free and share the children 50/50.

Actually we hear you.
How about listening to what mostly good intentioned people suggest?
Before taking any decision I would go to therapy.

I think you have had a good mix of responses op. I think what you want is your your DH to not want sex with you and for everything else to stay the same. You are very closed off to anything else.

That's unsustainable.

You really should try counselling. For yourself.

Something will change- you can't say he hasn't tried to talk to you about this.

OP, your original post was very good as it was so clear- in fact, I wondered why you needed advice as you know exactly what needs to happen and you are 100% against it. Yet, you 'love us as family and want to stay as family'. Well DH wants sex with his wife and not strangers, and if the wife is 100% against that, of course there is nothing to compromise but for DH to heartbreakingly go and get himself a new DW and co-parent with you. Hopefully he gets more kids with new DW and all three of you get to play happy family- nothing wrong with that.

Before all of that though, as many wise mumsnetters tried to advice you, but fell on deaf ears, you ought to see a therapist (of any sort) on your own and comeback and tell us what you think/ how you feel. Sorry, but your irl friend is a waste of space- and if you are anything like her, well, maybe we all now know why you have the attitude you have to your supposedly 'wanted' family life.

You are going to be back on here, furious about your husband leaving you for another woman within a year. I'd put money on it. And it will be your own doing.

Final summary from a conversation with my husband:
He doesn't want an open relationship
He wants to stay with me
He hopes in time we'll have a sex life but there's no pressure
I will try counselling or similar for my body image

You're so lucky 😭 please, don't take advantage of him.