Who is in the wrong? Fight in front of DC

[SmashedPots]

I'm going to describe this as factually as possible and want honest opinions

DC (3) still has tantrums. Every morning it's hard to get him ready. He was playing with playdoh and he was half dressed. Before he put his jumper on he said "more playdoh mummy". I had got some out and it was on the side. He did already have some in his hands.

DH comes downstairs to take DC to school. DH says "no more playdoh. We are going now"

Tantrum starts. It's a bad one. DC shouting a lot "more playdoh etc etc"

I say under my breath to DH "he could have just had that playdoh you know. I did get it out for him"

DH shouts "fuck you. Fuck off undermining me like always"

DC stops tantrum as soon as DH shouts at me and starts shouting at DH "stop fighting"

I say "calm down DH. Stop shouting in front of DC"

He keeps shouting

I say "you're less in control of your emotions that DS"

DH grabs the pot of play-doh (which he had put on a high shelf" and throws it really hard at the floor right in front of DS.

I tell DH to get out.

DH shouts "you fucking made this happen. Undermining me as fucking usual. This is your fault."

I haven't raised my voice once but DH tells me I've got that "look on my face"

My poor baby boy.

It lasted 5 mins in total. They have now left and I have to get ready for work with the baby.

Was I undermining? Is this abusive? I can't think straight these days.

He does seem that he trying to get the control back.
By now laying it down thick.

But he probably feels your above him and so threatened.

I think you got this@SmashedPots and you are strong. He seems so weak throwing tantrums like your DS. Does he have autism or anything?

You know what is best to calm you DS and he shouldn't have tried to over ride you.

He doesn't like you being at work seems like he feeling less of a man. You seem a tough cookie to crack in his eyes and today was him shooting his shot hope you would shatter lol. Keep strong

It's like bloody Jekyal and Hyde (can't spell). I was just v calm and got on with parenting alone. Did bedtime etc. He's been ignoring me, sneering etc.

And then he comes in and says

"You want a take away for dinner?"

And I said "urmm..."

And then he said "well you can bloody get it yourself" and started laughing, calling me my nickname, then he drove out and got me my fave food. And he came back and started cuddling me. Then he said "you can be so mean when you're angry eh?" Like it was a all a joke and started acting totally normal and loving

It's like he's realised it wasn't working. He might act like he hates me but he doesn't want me to actually walk away...

Anyway I've been a bit cold back. But not confrontational. Playing the long game but I'm aware of the cycle and how tempting it is just to go back to normal...but it's so disconcerting.... Earlier this afternoon he said I was nasty, arrogant and he saw no future for us and now he's chatting to me about what's on telly

He knows he can't win with you lol.

Quite funny but would try acknowledge the good he does like praising a child.

But if he keeps having the jerkil and Hyde moment you will have to sit him like a child telling him this not working.

He really feels belittled by you.

In your situation playing the long game is the sensible thing to do, because he's bound to get nasty. Talk to a solicitor, get all the financial information lines up and squirrelled away, make sure you know about his pensions etc. if any, plus equity in the house. Take your time, get everything prepared and then .... boom! Petition him!

Sorry haven’t RYFT just your posts.

would recommend keeping a note of all this stuff, even just whether a day was ok or not. From what you e said this all sounds like classic cycle of abuse but that’s hard to see when you are in the middle of it. Keeping a record stops you being gaslit, which is what this Jekyll and Hyde stuff is.

Yeah he's made some off key jokes tonight. I finished my food and he said "you ate how much? you'll have to just stay with me, no one else would put up with someone so fat and greedy"

Anyway...at least the atmosphere has gone. But yes, long game definitely. I don't trust him at all. He's not capable of putting the kids first so god knows how low he'd stoop.

God he’s insecure isn’t he?

God he sounds awful. Why a long game? Why not just leave if you can?

Wow, so now he's adding cheap shots into the mix (and yes, he would have accused you of being oversensitive if you'd called him on it and said he was 'only joking'. Well done not taking the bait).

I hope all this is stacking the scales in your head and weighting them towards 'getting the hell rid of him'.

He won't want substantial time with his kids. But he will fight you over paying maintenance.

Honestly sounds like he’s trying to dismantle you- just today he’s attempted to undermine your confidence in yourself as a mother, in your career and now as an attractive woman. This is is not a normal way for a partner to behave. Please try to hold onto this and consider whether he has managed to affect how you see yourself.

Hang on in there, make notes/a journal.

Keep your eyes on the horizon.

He’s been watching red pill / MGTOW / PUA stuff hasn’t he? He’s trying desperately to ‘alpha male’ you, neg you and assert himself by crushing you mentally. Also explains the change in sex from an attentive (or at least better) lover to what he does now.

This won’t get better, his entire aim now will be to ‘win’ in the relationship and get what he sees as the upper hand- hence him sitting back and laughing at you today rather than doing what a decent and loving father would do and actually parenting alongside you - whether he was angry at you or not, because parenting your own innocent children to the best of your ability should come way above point scoring and trying to ‘win’ some fictional power struggle as a married couple.

Tonight is textbook for these red pill guys. He chooses a ‘treat’ for you ‘takeaway’ (asserting his dominance by choosing), then in case you get any ideas, makes a nasty comment about you being greedy (being the ‘alpha’ by destabilising and putting down the target). Honestly, it sounds mental, but this is the sort of stuff these guys are recommended to do in the red pill community. He’s following it all.

Omg he is absolutely vile.

The man is a fucking lunatic.

I don't think you should be even thinking about the long game. I'd say leaving ASAP is in order!

Don’t play the long game, play a short game instead and get the hell out. No one has ever spoken to me the way he is speaking to you. Uggh he’s a pig.

IMO if your child is 3, they should be capable of understanding 'get dressed and ready for school run quickly, then you have time to play'

Not half-dressed & play doh.

So you are in the wrong before the argument IMO.

Maybe read the thread before commenting? It would save you looking like an idiot.

Never before have I unwanted to post this meme so much.

This

Keep posting @SmashedPots , you can see there are people here cheering you on!

Lots if us have been through this and there is hope on the other side.

He is escalating and trying different tactics to keep you of balance but it looses it's power when you can see it for what it is.

He also said "remember to tell your little divorce group that you will join that you left your husband because he said fuck a few times and threw some play-doh"

So he doesn't think that that's enough?

It's not just that though is it-it's a whole pattern of abuse.

You'll have to stay with him because you are (in his words) fat & greedy & no one else would have you?

Well of course no one would be preferable to him anyway!

What an arse who thinks that women are desprate to always be with someone.

He is acting in such a textbook way. If he wasn’t being so horrible to you I would find it laughable. Can you see how he’s trying different tactics to see what sticks? He’s sitting there laughing because he thinks you need his help and is enjoying not giving it to you. But the reality is that you do 80% of it on your own anyway. I would expect to see him try out love bombing next followed by some shouting and throwing things again.

I think your response is perfectly balanced - slightly cold but not rising to it. It’s an awful environment to live in until you can leave but you can do this because you’re fuelled by love for your children and for yourself whereas he is fuelled by a desire to control you.

I've read all your posts, OP, but not the replies.
It's horrifying to read how quickly your husband has ramped up his emotional abuse. He is a nasty, misogynist piece of work. He really is showing you his true colours now. Do not go to couple's counselling with him (not that he would agree to it, by the sounds of it) but do get counselling for yourself. Read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft. And call Women's Aid. You will need a very good solicitor. And you will need support to get him out of your house.

i think he's going to turn even nastier. But the nice bits in between are just to fuck with your head.

He sounds unstable, misogynistic and frankly, a nasty twat to be around. It must be a total mindfuck to live with. Thank fuck you’re the breadwinner.

He’s going to have to hit rock bottom before he comes back and I fear he’s not there yet.

I'm glad you realize it's the Cycle of Abuse @SmashedPots . Playing the good guy occasionally is just part of it, to keep you hanging on and fuck with your head.

He's absolutely awful.