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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Friend told me off

388 replies

Samibgton · 22/11/2022 00:23

My friend exploded at me today for my faults (being chronically late) and basically time blindness. I am generally 5-10 mins late for things and it is probably my key flaw. It is definitely an ADHD thing and is not ok. I am working to address it. I am otherwise I am told a good friend. Caring, generous, a good listener. Very non judgmental and really try hard to be sensitive.

it was humiliating how shes addressed it tho and she knows I would never dare mock her for her faults. This is not the first time I’ve felt her try to exercise superiority towards me.

am I being too hasty in trying to cool the friendship? We are close but sometimes I don’t trust her or like her that much

OP posts:
strawberriesplease · 22/11/2022 00:25

Time blindness?

She's pulled you up for constantly being late.

Samibgton · 22/11/2022 00:27

She can be incredibly bitchy and I don’t pull her up on that

OP posts:
Coyoacan · 22/11/2022 00:32

Personally if you were my friend I'd only bother to tell something like that if I wanted to save the friendship. But you obviously aren't open to hearing other people's complaints.

SomeBeings · 22/11/2022 00:36

She shouldn't explode at you but has she asked you not to be late before?

Being continually late is extremely annoying. I've told friends I find it irritating in the past. I've raced to be somewhere on time whilst the other person makes their own sweet time.

Are you on time for other things?

ClaryFairchild · 22/11/2022 00:38

Have you EVER been the one sat there twiddling their thumbs waiting for the other person? It's horrible!!! Likelihood is that there was one "straw that broke the camel's back" event and she exploded.

Flowersinspringgrowwild · 22/11/2022 00:43

She is probably absolutely sick of pandering to you and you being late. When you know it's an issue and you still do it.

As for this:

We are close but sometimes I don’t trust her or like her that much - why are you still friends?

Daftmum47 · 22/11/2022 00:46

If you have ADHD, your feels may well be exacerbated by RSD. This sounds like a boundary issue to me: in your mind, you feel unable to criticise her (I can identify with this), so resent that she gets to criticise her.

Maybe try to frame this as an opportunity to strengthen your friendship through honest communication, and strengthen your own boundaries in the friendship.

It’s best to be on time, of course, but 5 to 10 mins late is not too much.

Pull her up for being bitchy next time she does it.

lightisnotwhite · 22/11/2022 00:48

This is not the first time I’ve felt her try to exercise superiority towards me.

But you have just made yourself out to be the “victim” of ADHD. You are unable to stop being late but you take issue with her. The superior/ victim language is telling.
Most friends are equals even if they annoy each other.

user1477249785 · 22/11/2022 00:49

I have family members with adhd. I know how much it can affect you and time blindness is real. It isn't enough though to say: it's my adhd that causes this and then to think it absolves you of doing anything else. With adhd it is all about habit forming and actively working at it. So in this case, surely you need to arrive everywhere ten minutes before any start time time and you then wait. It builds in a margin of error and makes you focus on driving a change in habits. Worth a try?

Mom2K · 22/11/2022 00:50

Honestly, if it were me I'd probably stop being your friend. I don't believe that being late is not within your control. Seriously, if you can't be on time, bump everything in your getting ready schedule 30-40 minutes early (or more) to arrive when you are supposed to. It is not that hard and incredibly rude to anyone stuck waiting on you.

I don't have anyone in my immediate circle who does this because I am only interested in friends who are considerate. 🙄

Buteverythingsfine · 22/11/2022 00:53

I don't count 5-10 min late unless it was for a show or something, that would be fine in my book. It isn't in hers. I don't like shouty or rude people so it would put me off her. if you are coming by public transport or the roads are busy, surely being exactly on time isn't possible. I would swerve out of her way. I'm not looking for high standards in friends, more fun, conversations, not feeling judged.

Caravansandfestivals · 22/11/2022 00:55

Yep. Being late is one of the most inconsiderate things you can do. Why is your time worth more than your friend’s?
you’re seemingly aware it may be an ADHD “thing” but are you even diagnosed? Even so,
this seems like an attempt to excuse. Do better! Ffs

Pixiedust1234 · 22/11/2022 01:03

Shes not mocking you, she's not pretending to be superior. But having to wait for someone being continously late is beyond infuriating.

She wants to be your friend which is why she's brought it up otherwise she would be ghosting you. So what do you want to do? Stop being friends or work on your timekeeping?

justgettingthroughtheday · 22/11/2022 01:10

It never ceases to amaze me how utterly judgmental Mumsnet can be towards ND women. I too have ADHD and have at times struggled with timekeeping.

Yes it might be annoying for others but do you not think we don't beat ourselves up over it constantly. Sometimes it really doesn't seem to matter what I do. I still end up either really early or late. Perhaps people should start recognising ADHD for what it is and be a bit mor inclusive and accommodating

GlassDeli · 22/11/2022 01:14

Yes it might be annoying for others but do you not think we don't beat ourselves up over it constantly. Perhaps people should start recognising ADHD for what it is and be a bit mor inclusive and accommodating

Hear, hear. Flowers

ittakes2 · 22/11/2022 01:31

I have adhd and it’s not a coincidence that all my closest friends are also neurodiverse. Lateness is annoying but amongst my friendship group being 5-10mins late is the norm and is acceptable. It’s ok she doesn’t like it - but it sounds to me you maybe you should be looking for people to have empathy to our adhd time blindness. What people don’t get is that it’s not that we don’t try to be on time - we make stupid mistakes or misjudge how long it takes us to do things. Today I planned to be at a hospital appt 30mins early - I had my Sat nav on for the appt but as I passed the motorway I often go on, it was dark and rainy and I turned off onto that motorway out of habit without thinking. In theory you could get to the hospital that way but unfort there had been an accident on the motorway and I was stuck in traffic so my 30mins early turned into 10mins late.

Coyoacan · 22/11/2022 01:34

if you are coming by public transport or the roads are busy, surely being exactly on time isn't possible

So how to people with ADHD or who have to come by public transport hold down jobs?

ThistleSifter · 22/11/2022 01:35

I also have ADHD and have struggled with timekeeping my whole life. Agree that there’s some hardcore views on here re lateness and a borderline disregard of the context.

No one is perfect and some people naturally struggle with time just as others are naturally bitchy - both are equally character flaws… except unlike lateness, bitchiness is always malicious so arguably a worse flaw to have.

So yanbu for not wanting someone with a worse character to feel like she has a high enough moral high ground to explode at you.

DuchessDandelion · 22/11/2022 01:47

Coyoacan · 22/11/2022 01:34

if you are coming by public transport or the roads are busy, surely being exactly on time isn't possible

So how to people with ADHD or who have to come by public transport hold down jobs?

Masking, basically. But the effort it takes to maintain professional efficiency for working hours is very difficult to maintain in someone's personal life. There are reasons why people with ADHD often suffer with depression and anxiety as well.

Time blindness is a genuine thing. One moment it's 10.01 and then then suddenly it's 11.33 and the sufferer has no sense of more than a few minutes passing.

I don't think 5-10m late is much of an issue tbh. I have friends who are much worse. I value them and their friendships so I make allowances and adjustments.

One friend in our group is always told to meet us early because we know that's how we get them to meet on time.

In your case, op, the complaint about your time keeping might be the trigger but its not the main issue. Personally, I don't think friendships can survive when one person explodes like you describe. It's the result of a pressure cooker effect and the opportunity to remedy the issues has passed. Trust is gone on the part of the person who's been shouted out and if the friendship does continue, it will never be the same.

I'm also not surprised you mention that this friend has come across superior at times, what you describe is a dynamic I've noticed before.

There will undoubtedly be things that were said to you which you can learn from, but you are absolutely not unreasonable to step away from this person (because they're not actually a friend anymore).

She will have her own faults too and you didn't deserve to be treated like that.

Frostycarrot · 22/11/2022 01:48

I have adhd and time blindness
honestly I don’t really care. I work so hard to overcome all aspects of my adhd and if the worst thing is I’m 10 minutes late but otherwise a caring and considerate friend then I think people can get over it. I always apologise, I let them know there’s a good chance I’ll be late and I genuinely do my very best to be on time, sometimes I am, sometimes I’m 5-10 late.
i also think if you’ve been my friend long enough you can just turn up 10-15 mins after any time we’ve decided and I’ll be there before you then and I’m happy to wait.

some people are just really funny about time though and take it really personally but it’s literally nothing to do with them. I’m late for everything, even things I’m super excited for and desperate to be on time for. Often I’m stuck all day unable to do anything else because I’m so anxious about misjudging time and then being late, and I can still make a mistake and end up late. If a friend of mine had any other disability and struggled with certain things I’d be more than happy to accommodate, I think lots of people just don’t really believe in adhd or the elements of it that can be difficult.

TedMullins · 22/11/2022 01:54

It’s wild how furious people get about late people. 5-10 minutes is nothing. I’m late for pretty much everything fairly frequently (including work, doctors appointments, flights and other important things) and my friends are all late at least 50% of the time. When I’ve been the one on time sat waiting I just…don’t care? It doesn’t annoy me, I just wait and read a book/magazine, get a coffee, look at my phone. It’s really no big deal. When it gets beyond 20 mins then yes it starts to get annoying but I really can’t relate to the fury it inspires. OP I’d ditch this friend. You clearly won’t see eye to eye and it doesn’t sound like you like her much anyway.

DuchessDandelion · 22/11/2022 02:00

@Coyoacan

Also, regarding how sufferers maintain a professional life: not every sufferer is affected by symptoms the same way. Like with any condition,they will vary per individual.

Individuals have different coping mechanisms and management techniques but they're not infallible and often depend on a series of circumstances that have to be lined up in advance. Imagine following a flow chart.

Some of it will be automatic for people and getting ready for work is more likely to lead to automatic behaviour, because its a set routine which doesn't vary in place, transport or time.

Social engagements are harder for individuals with adhd because none of the variables will be static. Unless you're doing exactly the same thing with the same person, every week...Even then a flaw in the "getting ready" routine can become automatic leading to a consistently late arrival of X minutes each time.

There are 3 main types of adhd as well, and it's worth being aware of this because they indicate how an individual might be affected. Women and girls are also affected differently to men and boys and are better at adapting naturally. Until there's a big change or shift in their lives, when the house of cards may come crashing down.

Conversely, the fact that women adapt better naturally means that many women have gone undiagnosed until adulthood. Many people with adhd will be incredibly organised and conscientious at work - they've learned to be. But outside of work, they need to be able to switch off and recharge.

Incidentally, suffers tend to be brilliant in crisis situations and it's where you'll really see a person with adhd shine. One of the reasons for this is that a person with condition is motivated in a different way to neurotypicals and urgency makes their neurochemicals surge which gives them laser focus.

Grumpusaurus · 22/11/2022 02:07

I would have dumped your tardy arse ages ago.

dolor · 22/11/2022 02:13

So many of the responses here show those of us with ADHD, just how right we are for keeping our shame and most of our feelings to ourselves. Most people think we are just being lazy idiots.

Trying to keep up with neurotypical people, is exhausting. Especially if we are not fortunate enough to be medicated.

Sausagedognamedmash · 22/11/2022 02:13

One of my closest friends has ADHD and suffers with time blindness. I know this, so if I want to meet her at 11:30 for something I'll tell her 11 or 11:15 depending on how she has been in the days leading up to us meeting. We almost always arrive at the same time, neither of us hanging around waiting for the other or her having to apologise and feel guilty for being late.

Your friend, whilst I understand her frustration, isn't really a friend of yours if this is a standard trait of your ADHD and she doesn't factor it in to meeting you.