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Original poster

Friend told me off

388 replies

Samibgton · 22/11/2022 00:23

My friend exploded at me today for my faults (being chronically late) and basically time blindness. I am generally 5-10 mins late for things and it is probably my key flaw. It is definitely an ADHD thing and is not ok. I am working to address it. I am otherwise I am told a good friend. Caring, generous, a good listener. Very non judgmental and really try hard to be sensitive.

it was humiliating how shes addressed it tho and she knows I would never dare mock her for her faults. This is not the first time I’ve felt her try to exercise superiority towards me.

am I being too hasty in trying to cool the friendship? We are close but sometimes I don’t trust her or like her that much

OP posts:
iloveeverykindofcat · 22/11/2022 06:37

I can see both sides of this. I have autism/OCD and could very easily make myself late checking locks and sockets for the millionth time, but I understand that consistent lateness is disrespectful and I've put in the work so that I'm not. I factor in the time for checking things. After all, I use public transport all the time and can't be late for that. My mother is always slightly late and it does stress me out but I've learned to factor that into my planning. 9.30 means 9.45 etc. Maybe your friend finds your lateness distressing due to her own mental struggles. I do. But 'exploding' is not on.

Fancylike · 22/11/2022 06:43

If you have time blindness, take steps to help yourself. Set persistent timers, note down meeting times as earlier than they are, follow a very clear and time stamped to do list. This is in your control, and your friend has obviously had enough.

BeanieTeen · 22/11/2022 06:46

Are you persistently late for work too? And GP appointments? Or only when you’re meeting friends?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 22/11/2022 06:48

Genuine question - when people with ADHD/time blindness have kids who need to be at school on time every day, do they somehow manage it, or are the kids consistently late?

Userno36367363 · 22/11/2022 06:51

There is nothing worse than someone who is always late, although I'm not sure how annoyed I'd be at 5-10 minutes, my mother for example is always an hour or more late. It's the worst thing. I'm likely to be on the spectrum and I get really annoyed at lateness 😅

what annoyed me recently was that my daughter had a 9.30am app at the hospital, I got there at 9.20am and after I had sat down the 9.15am appointment came in (I heard her say app at 9.15, didn't even apologise for being late). By this point it was 9.25am therefore making ours late. I know hospital appointments can run late for a whole manner of reasons but it did really grate on me.

FallowfieldHillbilly · 22/11/2022 06:51

We are close but sometimes I don’t trust her or like her that much

Frenemies. That's what you are.

EdgeOfACoin · 22/11/2022 06:59

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 22/11/2022 06:48

Genuine question - when people with ADHD/time blindness have kids who need to be at school on time every day, do they somehow manage it, or are the kids consistently late?

Or children who need to be collected from nursery, school or a school trip?

What happens when the parents are consistently late collecting them?

StopStartStop · 22/11/2022 07:09

@Samibgton
That's not your friend.
Cut her out of your life, right away.

ADHD is real. All those posters giving you a hard time for being late, they know nothing about it. They've never had to fight themselves just to do the things they want and need to do. The posts in this thread must be making you feel horrible. Don't. You are right, they are wrong. It's ok to be you.

I'm autistic/adhd. The things we can't do, we can't do. If you are ruthless and cut out of your life all the people who undermine you, a) you'll have far fewer friends, and that's not always a bad thing and b) you'll have more peace of mind.

One method of dealing with other people's lateness is to tell them a time that is earlier than you really want to see them. As a teenager I had a half-hour-late (every time) friend. So if I wanted to see her at eight o'clock, I told her seven-thirty. Easy. Friends can do that. It's ok. What's not ok is shouting at your friend and assuming that lateness is some kind of personal inadequacy.

Hands up anyone who doesn’t have ADHD..
Hands up the sarcastic, sneery poster - oh, you've already identified yourself

greeandorange · 22/11/2022 07:11

Why does having diagnosed ADHD make you late?

If it's diagnosed, then you've been given the tools to help manage it, and you have awareness.

Unless it's self diagnosed?
What "makes" you late?

ReneBumsWombats · 22/11/2022 07:13

She hates your lateness, you think she's bitchy and often don't trust or like her...

Why are women so often "friends" with people they don't like?

Dwrcegin · 22/11/2022 07:15

greeandorange · 22/11/2022 07:11

Why does having diagnosed ADHD make you late?

If it's diagnosed, then you've been given the tools to help manage it, and you have awareness.

Unless it's self diagnosed?
What "makes" you late?

The people I know who've had a diagnosis, just have the diagnosis and an option to have meds. They had nothing else.

Is there anything else offered to manage it?

Beautiful3 · 22/11/2022 07:16

Most of my friends would be 10-15 minutes late. I like to be on time, so would always be early. However I had to bin off a lovely friend who was always up to an hour late. I couldn't cope with that, everytime.

FancyFanny · 22/11/2022 07:17

I don't believe in time blindness- if you can manage to get there 15 minutes after the agreed time you can get there on time.

xJ0y · 22/11/2022 07:19

I am always early to avoid being late iykwim. Its v stressful being late as I think the other person will think less of me.
( I have to use public transport and I am certain I have adhd. )@

Vallmo47 · 22/11/2022 07:21

I think you’re best off letting this so called friendship go, OP. Even if you both apologise for the behaviour that caused the other one upset, I don’t think it will be possible for you both to 100% change, so the same problems will arise again and again.
I don’t have experience of ADHD so it’s been interesting to read of others with this condition.One poster said along the lines of “this is why people with ADHD don’t open up, for fear of judgment…” and I find that incredibly sad and frustrating. We NEED to open up about private things that affect our health SO that others can understand. I have family members who are always late and sometimes very early and as they’ve never mentioned a reason for this, I must admit I do find it incredibly frustrating. The reason being that- well, it comes across like my time doesn’t matter. When they’re late it’s a shrug of the shoulders and “well you know me”, but at times when they are randomly turning up early, they’re straight on the phone to me demanding I also turn up early and can I hurry up?
BUT if I knew there was a medical condition for the above I’d be much more understanding and it wouldn’t cause so many issues.
I’ve been through a lot with my mental health and I’ve seen the frustration on people’s faces, but I’ve also seen their frustration dissolve when I’ve apologised and explained the reason behind my behaviour. Give people a chance. In terms of this particular friend however, seeing as you already think she is bitchy etc. You should cut her loose for that reason alone.

keeprunning55 · 22/11/2022 07:21

I couldn’t get worked up about 5-10 minutes late! Apologise to your friend & try not to be late, but try not to get too upset.

orbitalcrisis · 22/11/2022 07:24

I have a friend with ADHD who is ALWAYS late. He's left me waiting over and hour on several occasions, I wish it was only 5-10 minutes! I have ASD so get anxious if I'm late, even if I know he (probably) will be.

It affected our friendship for a long time, I even considered ending the friendship over it. Now, instead of meeting at a time, he texts me when he's leaving and I leave accordingly. I still manage to arrive before him every time, but I'm not waiting long. Would this arrangement be a possibility? Or do you want to tell the bitch to go to hell?

Iamtheonwandlonely · 22/11/2022 07:27

ADHD is real. All those posters giving you a hard time for being late, they know nothing about it. They've never had to fight themselves just to do the things they want and need to do. The posts in this thread must be making you feel horrible. Don't. You are right, they are wrong. It's ok to be you.

We know it's real but sometimes you have to prioritise your own well being.
Everyone has struggles and shit to do.
There's only so much you can take from someone who is constantly late.
It really wears you down.

blebbleb · 22/11/2022 07:28

Time blindness? Sounds like an excuse for being late every time.

Iknowthis1 · 22/11/2022 07:31

5 - 10 mins isn't late, at least not late enough to be annoyed about.

swirlywhirlypearly · 22/11/2022 07:34

I am late for everything but if my friend lost it over it I'd decide if I can actually change anything for the better or tell them im not able to and accept the loss of the friendship. With some people that I know have a lot more on than me and would be upset if I waste their time, I set the clock ten minutes fast and put alarms on every ten minutes for when I have to be dressed/eaten/out the door by with those descriptions on each alarm, plus room for being slow. Are you doing anything to improve your lateness? If you care about someone there are ways to reduce how late you are.

I use these techniques to get me to more important stuff like job interviews too. I don't think it's enough to say it's not your problem that you're late.

xJ0y · 22/11/2022 07:36

I reprimanded a friend for always being late years ago and then she started rushing in late saying sorry more dramatically than before. Before she had blamed losing track of time, traffic etc

i said to her "this is worse. Be early or be late but dont say sorry im late."

we are still friends!
I never meet just her in a pub now.

Cas112 · 22/11/2022 07:37

We have a family member who is always late and it's really annoying. We have to tell her earlier times so she gets there sooner and even then still late half the time.

It's something you needed to be pulled up on. It's rude and ignorant

yomellamoHelly · 22/11/2022 07:38

I had a friend who was constantly late. It made me feel like shit. When she arrived late to something she had suggested it was the final straw. I no longer meet up with her.

rookiemere · 22/11/2022 07:39

I'm a very punctual person. I couldn't get worked up about a friend being 5-10 minutes late.

If it was more than that and happened consistently, I'd stop meeting the person and would probably end the friendship as I'm a person too and my time also counts.

Wouldn't discuss it with them though - I'm certainly not perfect so I don't want to go round dissecting others flaws.