Friend told me off

[Samibgton]

My friend exploded at me today for my faults (being chronically late) and basically time blindness. I am generally 5-10 mins late for things and it is probably my key flaw. It is definitely an ADHD thing and is not ok. I am working to address it. I am otherwise I am told a good friend. Caring, generous, a good listener. Very non judgmental and really try hard to be sensitive.

it was humiliating how shes addressed it tho and she knows I would never dare mock her for her faults. This is not the first time I’ve felt her try to exercise superiority towards me.

am I being too hasty in trying to cool the friendship? We are close but sometimes I don’t trust her or like her that much

I do think that there are things you can do to make it better maybe. I have a friend that is always late but acknowledges that, so we'll say to meet up at 11, but she'll call me when she's in the car actually leaving. That way I can calculate her arrival time and I'm not waiting somewhere. It works for us.

It doesn’t sound like she’s a very good friend anyway if you don’t like her or trust her op

Yep, I definitely think you should ‘cool the friendship’. I think you’ll both be better off without being in each other’s lives, by the sounds of it.

But don’t take the friendship ending as a negative. You’ll be giving your (former friend) the gift of all those wasted 5-10 minutes of waiting around back, and it’s a nice feeling to give someone a gift. So a good outcome for you both.

If she can't accept that your ADHD impacts on your life then she is ableist and not understanding. I also have ADHD and struggle hugely with being on time - I've had to work extremely hard on it for many years. So I understand.

ADD in women is chronically misunderstood, as clearly demonstrated by the tone of threads.
I have two daughters formally diagnosed and they both present differently. However, one of them has always been ' 'Time Blind'. And yes, it really is a thing. It takes time to learn to manage.
Re the friendship question, move on. It's run it course. It's fine. Don't spend time with people if you feel worse having been in their company. Simple as that. Energy givers, Energy suckers. Life's too short, your time is precious.

It seems like a total overreaction to “blow up” at you for being 5-10 minutes late. That wouldn’t even register to me. I much prefer it when people are a bit late than when they arrive early, especially if someone comes to my place earlier than planned and I’m not ready.

I’m also ND and I struggle with time blindness and timekeeping. My friends mostly understand and know to expect this, with some factoring it in when telling me what time to meet. My punctuality has improved with great effort, but it’s still a huge struggle and I often slip up, especially when dysregulated. It is to do with how our brain and central nervous system function and has nothing to do with not respecting other people’s time. People with ADHD often feel great shame and guilt about our executive function difficulties and beat ourselves up to the point of self-hatred. If only being on time was as easy as some (ignorant) commenters here are making out.

We very often don’t/can’t, especially if undiagnosed/unmedicated. We may lose jobs due to executive function issues, or quit due to being overwhelmed. It’s often better for us to be self-employed or otherwise have jobs where time-keeping is not an issue.

Ive had friends who are constantly late its like they couldnt care less and know you will wait around for them it us very annoying and I would be angry too.

I had a friend who I believe to ha e ADHD.
I loved her. But there comes a time when being left for hours standing waiting for her and she's really late.
Or timing the buses and ringing her constantly to make sure she got that bus.
It's very time consuming.i John st couldn't do it anymore.

Maybe look at it from her point of view you're obviously later than 5 to 10 minutes .
Maybe she's pissed off standing there waiting on you.
Do you keep her informed or do you just turn up hours later.

I don't think you realise how soul destroying it is to be stood waiting constantly for someone.

Actually people with ADHD care very much and are upset when they let you down like that. I think if they communicate and make an effort, that's what counts. Of course, if you can't deal with it, best to move on. They'll be upset because they'll know it's because of their struggles.

Even when trying to be understanding, I admit, I couldn't deal with that kind of unreliability. I just meet my friend like this on a day I'm at home and they get there when they get there. Meanwhile I just get stuff done at home until they arrive.

I find it interesting that the nd people posting here have gone to great pains to talk about why it is so hard for them but don't seem to have put any thought into why it might be so hard for someone else to accept their lateness.

My teen ds has asd and adhd and is always early. Lateness upsets him a lot. If someone says they are going to be there at 11:30 then in his mind they should be there at 11:30 and that's that. I could see him reacting to someone that is chronically late. I could also see it being upsetting to someone with anxiety who has managed to talk themselves out, scheduled how everything should go in their head to help calm them and then that's being constantly thrown off by someone.

Just like you aren't a one dimensional late person has anyone considered that the friend may not be a one dimensional person either and she might have her own reasons why being on time is so important to her? Inclusiveness and understanding should work both ways surely so I don't really understand why none of the ND posters who claim that this is so important aren't actually giving that back?

If that was a friend or colleague I would be sympathetic as it sounds horrible. But also there are some people who don’t have ADHD, aren’t organised and are just always late.

Honestly, who would notice someone being five or ten minutes late? I'd barely have managed a few pages of my book and a couple of sips of wine.

Hands up anyone who doesn’t have ADHD..

Maybe I do have ADHD and I never noticed. Or maybe I am an adult who can entertain myself for five or ten minutes in a pub on my own.

I don't.

Doesn't your friend know how to read? Honestly, if she had a good book in her bag, she'd be a lot less annoyed at you for being late.
I cannot get worked up about people being late - it's such a small thing and I know it's not personal!

Some of us do understand ADHD and are neurodiverse ourselves. But we also have boundaries and have decided to not continue a friendship in which, for any reason, we end up waiting around for hoiurs on end. I have done that before and my life has been greatly improved. My time is important and I prefer to spend it with people who don't waste it.

Why do posters do this.
It's not the friends fault the op is late.
Maybe she tried reading the book and got through War and Peace waiting for @Samibgton .

Maybe the df has other shit going on in her life.
And maybe she's just pissed off wasting time waiting.

This is really interesting - you could be describing my mum. She did extremely well in her career and was known for being driven, organised and focused. She was so good in a crisis she was actually asked to head up her organisation's "major incident" crisis management team.

But at home she's always been massively and incapable of coping with any kind of "life admin." Bills went unpaid; her car frequently went untaxed, MOT'd and uninsured because she couldn't keep on top of it, she'd ignore parking and speeding fines. In the end her brother took over managing her finances for her, and I help her with the other bits and pieces.

It's frustrating because she's an intelligent and in some ways very capable woman. I didn't know enough about ADHD to make a connection, but it definitely sounds like a possibility.

You say "time blind." Are you absolutely sure it's 5-10 minutes each time?