Friend told me off

[Samibgton]

My friend exploded at me today for my faults (being chronically late) and basically time blindness. I am generally 5-10 mins late for things and it is probably my key flaw. It is definitely an ADHD thing and is not ok. I am working to address it. I am otherwise I am told a good friend. Caring, generous, a good listener. Very non judgmental and really try hard to be sensitive.

it was humiliating how shes addressed it tho and she knows I would never dare mock her for her faults. This is not the first time I’ve felt her try to exercise superiority towards me.

am I being too hasty in trying to cool the friendship? We are close but sometimes I don’t trust her or like her that much

Constant lateness is a bit annoying, although 5-10 min isn’t much. But I don’t like being ‘told off’ by people, particularly friends, and would probably tell the friend that I didn’t like the way she’d spoken to me. It sounds as if you’re struggling with the friendship in general.

@QueenCamilla you are very unkind. You judge without knowing. You're so sure of yourself and that everybody is fine with you being late, because you're the coolest friend éver. But are you a good friend? Really? Dependable? Always there? Well, I tought myself to be in time, using several alarms at the same time. One on my phone meaning : leave now! And one separate in my house to announce I will have to leave/do something etc. In 5 minutes. Because yes! I care for the people counting on me. I was the chemo-and radiation driver for my best friend for nearly 18 months, and she never-ever had to wait for me or call a cab to go home after therapy. I guess nobody would ever even ask that of you, and you would probably even snub them because they dare to expect that of you.

I never really mind if my friends are late. I can occupy my time until they arrive. If it means I have other deadlines I need to get to, I say this and hope we can arrange for another time. Disappointed, yeah. But I'm disappointed because I like them and enjoy their company.

Are people actually being 'told off' though, or just being told that their behaviour isn't acceptable?

This! And I would bet that OP isn't just 5 minutes late but substantially longer. Every. Single. Time!

So when your kids are old enough to start getting detentions for persistent lateness, are they just going to have to accept it as being just one of those things because you are ND, and everyone else, including your kids and their schools, should just allow them to rock up when ever you can get them there?

Can't you just time how long the school run takes on a bad day, maximum possible journey time, and how long it takes you to get your kids to put their shoes and coat on, then set an alarm on your phone with a note saying "leave house for school run now", and go?

I hope for their sakes your kids are never dependent on you to take medications where there are precise timings required for each dose. :(

@RoseAdagio you've managed to "can't you just..." at someone who simply can't just do everything you describe. That's the issue here, people like you are simply incredulous. We can't win.

Why is it not possible to leave the house and walk to school when the alarm comes up on your phone that says "leave house now!"?

I get that time blindness is a thing, and that without taking appropriate evasive measures you would lose perception of time and thus not set off for stuff in time, so I get that you have to set extra measures as a result. But knowing that you have time blindness, once you've set your alarm, it goes off, and you know it's time to leave for school, what's your excuse then for not just just leaving at that moment and going straight to school?

If ADHD people are really as easily distractable as some of you are describing then tbh the idea of some of you being allowed to drive a car is quite scary because you are clearly medically unable to commit sufficient attention to the task at hand to do so safely.

What about the ND people who need everything to be precise? Those with Aspergers can get stressed by things that aren’t on time? Is their neuro diversity secondary to ADHD?

I never really mind if my friends are late. I can occupy my time until they arrive. If it means I have other deadlines I need to get to, I say this and hope we can arrange for another time. Disappointed, yeah. But I'm disappointed because I like them and enjoy their company. but presumably you don’t mind because you don’t have other things you could/should/might be doing? If you have, for example, a few hours a week free time surely it’s reasonable not to want to spend time waiting for someone who thinks straining just a little to get there on time isn’t worth their effort?

@Sennelier1

I am cool, I'll admit to that 😁. But not very dependable and not always there. But I know those limitations of mine, so I've set things up just so I can be without judgement in my own way. I don't really need to be anywhere on the dot. I will never have pets, for example. I'm self employed. And I'm there to cheer people up and entertain.

I'm not "disrespectful" because I can't live my life by the clock (or get up at 6am to walk someone's dog ). And you are not a smidgen superior because you can/choose to do those things.
We all have a spot in this world and our good points and uses.

I just take exception to being called, disrespectful, selfish, and all other kinds of bad because I'm different from you.

Otherwise, where do we stop? Shall I proclaim that introverts are disrespectful, self-centered ego-maniacs as they don't deign my questions worthy of more than a mono-syllable answers? They obviously think that my time&energy spent on trying to keep the conversation going is fine to waste. They should just put some effort in, like I do. Selfish cnuts!

O.k. We both made our point. We obviously are very different persons. I go out of my comfort zone when people I love need me. You make people laugh and entertain them. Maybe we're not that different? Can we agree on that? 😊

Indeed, I find that any piece of "advice" preceded with "just..." is usually tone deaf and/or over simplistic and unhelpful.