Friend told me off

[Samibgton]

My friend exploded at me today for my faults (being chronically late) and basically time blindness. I am generally 5-10 mins late for things and it is probably my key flaw. It is definitely an ADHD thing and is not ok. I am working to address it. I am otherwise I am told a good friend. Caring, generous, a good listener. Very non judgmental and really try hard to be sensitive.

it was humiliating how shes addressed it tho and she knows I would never dare mock her for her faults. This is not the first time I’ve felt her try to exercise superiority towards me.

am I being too hasty in trying to cool the friendship? We are close but sometimes I don’t trust her or like her that much

Most of my friends turn up 5 or 10 minutes late, no big deal. More than 20 minutes is taking the mick and would get old quickly.

I have autism and ADHD and can't abide lateness. It's stresses me immensely to be late, so I never am. It takes a huge amount of effort for me to pull my shit together and be on time. I wouldn't take kindly to someone not reciprocating and being late every time. Occasionally due to circumstances beyond control is ok, but the OP sounds like it's every time. That's not ok.

She's really mean. One of my friends is chronically late with no ADHD, I just don't do time-critical meetings with her. We don't go to the cinema, if we go to the theatre or out for a meal I arrange a drink first so she has a 45 minute buffer. It's really no biggie, the worst that can happen is I'm reading a book with a wine for 30 mins on my own, which is actually a win.

So what I'm saying is, your friend is allowed to feel the way she feels, but that probably means she isn't the greatest friend for you.

No, of course you can be on time you have decided it isn’t worth the stress to ensure you are. That’s your choice but your friend doesn’t want to accommodate it and that’s her choice. Nobody is being unreasonable. You being late is causing her stress and she doesn’t have to put up with it.

I think she is pretty reasonable to be cross, do you think she shouldn't be allowed to express if she thinks you are behaving unreasonably?

I don't think she is "being superior".

Sometimes it isn't the lateness itself that's a particular problem, is the complete lack of an apology every time with the dismissive 'oh, I've got adhd so it's not my fault' so suck it up

Based on… ‘We are close but sometimes I don’t trust her or like her that much’ of course I would step away even if only briefly to reassess. If you can’t trust her or like her, what’s the point? It’s not a friendship

Do you work, are you always 5-10 minutes late for that?

I used to have a friend who was always late. She said it was because she was very busy but I was busy too and, in the time I spent waiting for her, could have got on and done some of the things I had to do. I felt she was literally stealing my time.

I can see how it’s perceived in that way but it really isn’t a choice when you have ADHD.

If it was another condition I think posters would be expecting some acceptance for the OP.

Turn up on time then

We have late friends. We always tell them to arrive thirty minutes before everyone else. It generally works. I wouldn’t dream of telling them that to their face as they are lovely friends.

If you can always be 5/10 minutes late you can be on time. Anyone who tells you otherwise is being illogical. It may take infinitely more effort but you can achieve the “on time” outcome. I can’t imagine who has suggested otherwise to anyone.

Are you generally 5-10 minutes late for work every day?

Time blindness is a real adhd thing. Look it up.

So we have heard your version of this. What is her version? To be honest, someone who consistently turned up late and left me waiting would annoy the hell out of me. Your ADHD may indeed play into the problem - but you are assuming that that means that it's ok for her to always hang around waiting for you, rather than you making more effort to address it. As others have commented, ADHD can result in exactly the opposite issue with hating lateness - and just because she may not be diagnosed ADHD doesn't mean she isn't. You describe yourself as "Caring, generous, a good listener. Very non judgmental and really try hard to be sensitive." How does always, always being late fit into that? You are judging the hell out of her for being upset that you are always late. You aren't being very sensitive to her needs. And you have obviously not been listening because I doubt this is the first time she's raised it with you.

In all honesty, if a friend of mine left me waiting every single time we had arrangements to meet, I would have stopped making any such arrangements a long time ago. You expect her to accomodate you all the time, but seem to not realise that you could, if you wanted to, work harder at this "key flaw".

Of course we are meant to take your version of events at face value, but I do wonder if you are underestimating your lateness. I doubt most people would explode over 5-10 minutes, unless there was a history of being kept waiting for longer periods at times. I'm not that bothered being kept waiting 5-10 minutes, but if that person has previously left me waiting for 20 minutes or longer, my tolerance towards them might be reduced. The circumstances also count. I have a friend who is always late. I don't mind sitting 5-10 mins on my own waiting for her in a coffee shop or bar, but if she's making me miss the start of a movie or show then I'm annoyed. And if I've specifically said "I can meet at x time but can't hang around because I've got work/an appointment, and she then turns up late - that will annoy me because it seems she doesn't care that she's making my life more stressful.

You don't sound like you're going to attempt to reflect on your behaviour. You've immediately gone for a counterattack by pointing out her flaws rather than take stock of your own.

As ND advice from a fellow adhd person.

I used to be late a lot and double book myself. As you know with time blindness, our brains underestimate how long everything takes us.

I would suggest to you to use your phone calendar with reminders. Use timers and always always give yourself extra time as you can guarantee something will happen. If you forget things frequently, put them in your eyeline before you lwave near your shoes so you're not rushing back and making yourself late.

NT's won't understand how our brains can be like this so they will get upset and give advice that might not work for you.

I suggest you look up attitude mag and if you're on Instagram there are some great channels on there.

What I will say is this. Our brains work differently but it is manageable. I know you're not doing it on purpose because I never did either. But being constantly late isn't a good thing either. It stresses us oit and makes the situation bad for everyone else too. Organise everything you need night before and put them together. You can do this.

OP not only are you CONSCIOUSLY AWARE of your lateness, but you know how pissed off people get about it, your friend especially.

You need to make changes to your routine to be 10,20 minutes EARLY.

I'd not be a great friend to you if you constantly pissed around being late —you need to figure out if your friendship aside from your lateness and her bitchiness about this issue is worthwhile (ADHD does not excuse you from this, you need to create strategies - how do you cope getting to work on time, picking kids up from school, on public transport etc!)

Stop blaming crap like this on ADHD - it is NOT an ADHD thing. Me and plenty of others with it can manage to be on time every time. Yes YABU, can’t stand people that are chronically late.

People with a diagnosis, does medication help you? What changes do you see? I strongly believe my mother and sister are ADHD, and tbh I have traits too. Having not known anything else, I don’t really know what “normal” people experience!

...Except it is.

Yes it can be adhd thing. That isn't true at all. Yes it can be managed but time blindness is a thing. And if you have adhd you'd know that.

Just because it doesn't affect you in that way doesn't mean it doesn't happen others.

Saying that it is manageable. Surely it is better to advise the op on how to improbe this rather kick in the rejection sensitivity which makes adhd people feel even worse inside. Yes it's annoying for people to be late but with help, they can improve.

Let's help each other instead of ripping each other up.

So 5-10 minutes can be caused from any minor thing getting in the way for any person ADHD or otherwise, so this in most people’s expectations is reasonable and most will wait.

however, and I don’t know why but I feel that it may not be 5-10 minutes, and if that’s the case then there is an issue if this happens every time you meet.

adhd or not, time is valuable to us all and it would probably really piss me off if a friend was regularly late and brushed it off.

she has addressed it with you, in her mind she can either just leave when your late, arrive later herself or raise it with you. Would you wait for her say you suggest meeting at 10am and she turned up at 10:15 a how would that feel? If so I might suggest that’s your way forward, but if your then late I’d probably not bother again.

I'm actually appalled at reading some of these replies. What happened to the relationship board?

It's becoming more like aibu every day.
Why can't people be kind in their responses? A lot of these responses are from NT and I'm sorry but you have zero idea how ADHD feels like to someone who has it.

It is manageable but it takes a lot of work and practice. It's exhausting and overwhelming trying to exist when this world isn't made for you.

I find people are kinder if you say you are autistic. Do people realise that autism and adhd share similar traits?

Let's all do better and help someone improve in a helpful way. No one will want to change with constant criticism flowing their way.

Believe me I criticise myself everyday for all things I struggle with.