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Original poster

Friend told me off

388 replies

Samibgton · 22/11/2022 00:23

My friend exploded at me today for my faults (being chronically late) and basically time blindness. I am generally 5-10 mins late for things and it is probably my key flaw. It is definitely an ADHD thing and is not ok. I am working to address it. I am otherwise I am told a good friend. Caring, generous, a good listener. Very non judgmental and really try hard to be sensitive.

it was humiliating how shes addressed it tho and she knows I would never dare mock her for her faults. This is not the first time I’ve felt her try to exercise superiority towards me.

am I being too hasty in trying to cool the friendship? We are close but sometimes I don’t trust her or like her that much

OP posts:
justgettingthroughtheday · 22/11/2022 02:24

Grumpusaurus · 22/11/2022 02:07

I would have dumped your tardy arse ages ago.

And the OP would have been well shot of you

lifeinthehills · 22/11/2022 02:25

5-10 minutes late isn't so bad. I totally understand the ADHD thing but there are ways you can learn to manage the time issues. How about next time aim to be there 15 minutes earlier? Then you will be roughly on time. Or set alarms for when you have to leave the house. I know someone who uses a series of alarms.

LadyOfTheFliessssss · 22/11/2022 02:45

I have a friend like this and I just don't expect her to turn up until approximately double whatever time she says she'll be there.

I wouldn't shout at her about it but I have teased her gently.

I don't think she should have shouted. If people are chronically late, just expect them to be late. It's not rocket science to factor it in.

justgettingthroughtheday · 22/11/2022 02:53

lifeinthehills · 22/11/2022 02:25

5-10 minutes late isn't so bad. I totally understand the ADHD thing but there are ways you can learn to manage the time issues. How about next time aim to be there 15 minutes earlier? Then you will be roughly on time. Or set alarms for when you have to leave the house. I know someone who uses a series of alarms.

Seriously??? Do you not think we might not have tried that? 🙄 how patronising! You say you understand ADHD but the rest of your comment clearly shows you don't!

echt · 22/11/2022 03:01

We are close but sometimes I don’t trust her or like her that much

Odd. I'd bin her off if you're so ambivalent, not to mention contradictory.

lawofselfish · 22/11/2022 03:05

dolor · 22/11/2022 02:13

So many of the responses here show those of us with ADHD, just how right we are for keeping our shame and most of our feelings to ourselves. Most people think we are just being lazy idiots.

Trying to keep up with neurotypical people, is exhausting. Especially if we are not fortunate enough to be medicated.

By 'not medicated' do you mean 'self diagnosed'?

butterfliedtwo · 22/11/2022 03:12

We are close but sometimes I don’t trust her or like her that much

This doesn't make sense at all. Just end the acquaintance. Probably better for both of you.

terryschocolateorangee · 22/11/2022 03:12

Grumpusaurus · 22/11/2022 02:07

I would have dumped your tardy arse ages ago.

Yeah but you're a bit shit

CharlotteRose90 · 22/11/2022 03:37

My brother is like this. He’s not been diagnosed with anything except autism. He’s missed theatre shows, flights, movies, meals, appointments all sorts. We don’t bother inviting him now as frankly being late for things like that is embarrassing. Unless it’s a emergency there is no excuse for being late. In the past we’ve said oh we’ll meet at such a time knowing he adds time onto it and an hour later we’re still waiting to go out. I wouldn’t shout at him but the whole family have had words with him. Don’t make plans you know you won’t keep.

fUNNYfACE36 · 22/11/2022 03:38

Why does ADHD make you late? How do sufferers manage to hold down a job?

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/11/2022 03:46

Continual lateness is so rude though. It’s basically saying, I’ll get there when I get there, regardless of the time agreed, and you can wait for me.

Are you always late for work?

justgettingthroughtheday · 22/11/2022 03:50

CharlotteRose90 · 22/11/2022 03:37

My brother is like this. He’s not been diagnosed with anything except autism. He’s missed theatre shows, flights, movies, meals, appointments all sorts. We don’t bother inviting him now as frankly being late for things like that is embarrassing. Unless it’s a emergency there is no excuse for being late. In the past we’ve said oh we’ll meet at such a time knowing he adds time onto it and an hour later we’re still waiting to go out. I wouldn’t shout at him but the whole family have had words with him. Don’t make plans you know you won’t keep.

How vile of you!!! Your brother has a disability and instead of supporting him your embarrassed by him!!!! My god!

justgettingthroughtheday · 22/11/2022 03:51

fUNNYfACE36 · 22/11/2022 03:38

Why does ADHD make you late? How do sufferers manage to hold down a job?

Perhaps do some research on ADHD?

justgettingthroughtheday · 22/11/2022 03:53

DrMarciaFieldstone · 22/11/2022 03:46

Continual lateness is so rude though. It’s basically saying, I’ll get there when I get there, regardless of the time agreed, and you can wait for me.

Are you always late for work?

Do you think the same about other disabilities? Because that's what ADHD is. People struggling with timekeeping due to their disability isn't being rude.

teezletangler · 22/11/2022 03:58

Lateness is annoying but amongst my friendship group being 5-10mins late is the norm and is acceptable

Yes I'd say it's entirely normal in most friendship groups, whether people are ND or NT. I have a good friend who is persistently, ridiculously late to everything, but who can get worked up about 10 min? I'd say most times I am meeting a friend, one or both of us will text "running 5 min late!"

fUNNYfACE36 · 22/11/2022 04:01

justgettingthroughtheday · 22/11/2022 03:51

Perhaps do some research on ADHD?

Show quote history

No. If op can't be arsed to answer to people kind enough to respond to her thread...

FrozenGhost · 22/11/2022 04:25

Sounds like you don't like her so why be friends.

Re the timekeeping thing though, are you being honest with yourself that you are always just "5-10 minutes late". Five minutes is nothing, that could be a difference between different clocks. Is it that you are really 30-40 minutes or more late, but justify it by saying "oh it's only a few minutes, what's the big deal".

I am not critisizing you over it as maybe you can't help it, but just trying to show you where your friend might be coming from.

FantaFour · 22/11/2022 04:45

justgettingthroughtheday · 22/11/2022 01:10

It never ceases to amaze me how utterly judgmental Mumsnet can be towards ND women. I too have ADHD and have at times struggled with timekeeping.

Yes it might be annoying for others but do you not think we don't beat ourselves up over it constantly. Sometimes it really doesn't seem to matter what I do. I still end up either really early or late. Perhaps people should start recognising ADHD for what it is and be a bit mor inclusive and accommodating

Why is your time more valuable than anyone else's? You expecting others to be accommodating to you, why is their time less precious? There are many ways to prepare yourself from being late.

lifeinthehills · 22/11/2022 04:51

justgettingthroughtheday · 22/11/2022 02:53

Seriously??? Do you not think we might not have tried that? 🙄 how patronising! You say you understand ADHD but the rest of your comment clearly shows you don't!

Show quote history

LOL. I have four family members with ADHD, including husband and children. I drove them to appointments every week to learn these skills. It can be done. It might have have worked for you but I don't know what an individual has tried so it is still a valid suggestion. If someone has tried it and it didn't work, move on to the next person's suggestion. Eventually you might hit one that works for you.

nophonesonbed · 22/11/2022 04:53

CharlotteRose90 · 22/11/2022 03:37

My brother is like this. He’s not been diagnosed with anything except autism. He’s missed theatre shows, flights, movies, meals, appointments all sorts. We don’t bother inviting him now as frankly being late for things like that is embarrassing. Unless it’s a emergency there is no excuse for being late. In the past we’ve said oh we’ll meet at such a time knowing he adds time onto it and an hour later we’re still waiting to go out. I wouldn’t shout at him but the whole family have had words with him. Don’t make plans you know you won’t keep.

Wow so you all punish and alienate him for having a medical condition. Nice

nophonesonbed · 22/11/2022 04:53

fUNNYfACE36 · 22/11/2022 03:38

Why does ADHD make you late? How do sufferers manage to hold down a job?

There's a great post further up that explains it

lifeinthehills · 22/11/2022 04:56

People in my family have worked it out but I have an ADHD friend who hasn't. I've adapted by planning the kinds of activities that aren't time sensitive and where it doesn't matter what time she arrives. She can come for coffee and a chat. Then if she is two hours late, it doesn't matter. I schedule it for when I have that flexibility. What I don't do is schedule things like shows or films because there's no flexibility in the start time of that.

Sometimes my child misses their train. They just let me know and we adapt. They make a good effort though and most of the time, it's not an issue. It's taken them a lot of work to get there though.

nophonesonbed · 22/11/2022 04:57

Op unfortunately a lot of people don't understand neuro diversity. As is our life. Your friend does not sound supportive and it seems like you don't trust her. So yes maybe this is a friendship that's not beneficial to you.

nophonesonbed · 22/11/2022 05:02

@lawofselfish no there's medication that calms/dulls some of the symptoms of adhd.

lifeinthehills · 22/11/2022 05:04

If your friend understands that you have ADHD and that this affects your time keeping, and they won't work with you to accommodate this and be understanding, then I'd ask if the friendship causes you more stress than positive experiences. Only you can answer that but a good friend will try to be understanding and flexible to meet both your needs.