Friend told me off

[Samibgton]

My friend exploded at me today for my faults (being chronically late) and basically time blindness. I am generally 5-10 mins late for things and it is probably my key flaw. It is definitely an ADHD thing and is not ok. I am working to address it. I am otherwise I am told a good friend. Caring, generous, a good listener. Very non judgmental and really try hard to be sensitive.

it was humiliating how shes addressed it tho and she knows I would never dare mock her for her faults. This is not the first time I’ve felt her try to exercise superiority towards me.

am I being too hasty in trying to cool the friendship? We are close but sometimes I don’t trust her or like her that much

Do I like, trust and respect this person? If the answer is no to any of those, they aren't really a true friend.

She probably feels you are showing a lack of respect for her by being late all the time, but if don't like her or trust her, is this a healthy friendship you want to keep investing in?

Yes it might be annoying for others but do you not think we don't beat ourselves up over it constantly. Sometimes it really doesn't seem to matter what I do. I still end up either really early or late. Perhaps people should start recognising ADHD for what it is and be a bit mor inclusive and accommodating

The point being, to the others, you are always late and to them you say "I'm really sorry" and maybe they know ADHD or maybe you say it. But bottom line? they are always waiting for you. IME people who say "i am constantly 5-10 minutes late" (which wouldn't bother me, if i have to be somewhere and they are late and it will make me miss the thing? i go to the thing) are actually constantly 20-30 minutes late or more.

So if you are the chronically late one, you are stressed because of it. If you are the permanently on time-waiter one? you are stressed and annoyed because of it. It is nobody's "fault" as such. So you develop strategies.
I won't meet any of my chronically late friends if we have to be somewhere, use public transport, have tickets for something etc. They get their ticket, and i say i will wait until X time otherwise see you inside (or not if they don't make it). That way i don't get stressed about being late, and they don't get stressed about making me late.

If i want to meet them in town for a coffee? I message where i am whenever i change location "I'm in the Lego shop", "I'm in the Doc Marten shop", "I'm in the café", "I'm in the department store", "I'm on my way home, sorry you didn't make it" (that last one gets used most of the time with one friend, about 50% of the time with 2 others). We're all still friends because i understand they can't be on time for whatever reason, and they understand that my time is limited and i get anxious (angry sometimes) about wating.

It's all about if you want to stay friends, and making strategies.

That's funny because I have adhd and I'm always early which I was told was a sign of adhd. Guess we're all different.

Anyway I have a friend who is 10 mins late for everything and I have never told her off. She does apologise. I just accept it for part of who she is and don't take it personally. I know she's a bit scatty and love her to death so am quite happy to overlook her lateness.

I have a friend like this, and I know she is going to be late and factor it in. She can be up to an hour late sometimes. I can't get worked up about it, she is generally the most disorganised person I know and that is how she has always been for the last thirty years. She is still a lovely person and a great friend.

If you have ADHD you have a good reason.

I would cool the friendship, because there is no way I would accept being 'told off' by anyone. She could have spoken to you in a much more sensitive and gentle way and you could have agreed a solution together, as adults.

She is not a friend, at all

I have ADHD and I'm chronically early. As is my ADHD husband 😊

Hate it when people are late. It's almost like their time is more important than my time.

But surely you can both have a grown up conversation about traits and expectations etc? No need for any arguing.

Definitely time to grow up.

I think it depends on the situation like was she waiting for you somewhere inside or was she stood outside in the cold. For me personally if I was your friend I would of lost my 💩 purely because when people are late or don't answer their phone I think their dead. If you want everyone to forgive your behaviour because you have adhd you also need to forgive others as there may be a reason your friend acted like this

I'm also autistic so if someone is late it upsets my routine.

In this scenario - who's trait wins? 😂

This 🤣🤣🤣

After you’ve been late for things a few times you realise you need to make more of an effort such as changing the time of your meeting in your head to fifteen minutes earlier so that if you are late you won’t actually be.

Being consistently late is rude and disrespectful.

Waving the ADHD flag as an excuse is insulting.

She was right to pull you up about it.

I have a close friend of years and years, always been late and has just had an adhd diagnosis. I’ve found her time keeping irritating over the years and she probably picked up on my annoyance but generally I’ve been accepting of it and just adjusted to account for it (ie factoring in she might be 30mins late). I’d never blow up or deliberately make her feel shit. Yes, I’ve pulled back for a bit if I’ve been pissed off but we’ve come back together after a little space. I think that’s healthy. Basically your mate shouldn’t make you feel shit OP. Those bad feelings are telling you something. I’d pull back a bit and see how you feel in a few weeks. Sometimes truth hurts, but sometimes people are out of order.

What a weird question. Why would you assume that all diagnosed people have medication?

Yep!

By signing them up to breakfast club, so if I aim for breakfast club start time we’ll get there by the time school officially starts.

Same. Now, thankfully!

I used to wait an hour for some "friends"

My therapist thought I had adhd and ar first I shot her down but now I think ok, maybe a borderline case but I am always early because I plot my journey where being late is a not possible but being early I'll have to live with

A few questions @Samibgton:

1. Are you sure you are only 5-10 minutes late? Very few people would blow up over that. Is there a chance your time blindness makes you downplay what it more like 30 minutes late?

1. You say she blew up at you. Can you be more specific? What was said exactly?

This is great advice.

I have ADHD and totally understand op.

I make a Herculean effort to be in time and if I've missed the target a little, I make sure to text.

My youngest son and I have ADHD and my husband cannot stand watching up attempt to leave the house together. Between us we can loose an entire hour.

My friends are lovely though and understand that while I regard lateness as a huge flaw, I am not always in control of it.

I'd ignore most of these comments OP. AIBU isn't a place which can manage nuanced discussion often. Most people haven't even bothered to read the OP. They hear that you're late and that triggers an automatic response of 'you're inconsiderate'. The people critising you here are clearly being a little dim. Any normal person expects that arrival time will vary y 5-10 minutes. That doesn't even register as being late. An hour without notice is a problem. 5 minutes isn't. Even if you were very very late your friend can address it and set boundaries without being obnoxious. If I was your friend and it was a major issue for me I'd just arrange to meet at my house or I'd come to yours.

I’m pretty amazed at many of the comments towards a woman who is neurodivergent! I wonder if the responses would have been the same if the OP had said she was autistic.

Whilst being late is annoying, the OP isn’t revelling in her lateness. Like sausagedognamedmash suggested, the friend could arrange an earlier time, knowing the OP will then arrive on time.

Poor executive functioning skills are a key trait for many people with ADD/ADHD/Autism and in the same way someone wouldn’t tell a person in a wheelchair to ‘try to walk a bit’, why should the OP get such a lack of empathy and understanding for something which poses a really difficult part of her everyday?

If you are 5-10 minutes late every single time then you are making a choice to treat your friend like that. It’s rude and if it wasn’t deliberate you’d be on time occasionally by accident.

I suspect OP's 5-10 minutes is understating it.

I have a friend like OP - she also has ADHD and is always late for things. She also claims it's only 5-10 minutes, and I think genuinely believes this but it's very often half an hour or an hour or even later.

If OP is really only 5-10 minutes late, then I think her friend is overreacting. But I suspect that OP's condition means she is regularly underestimating quite how late she is.

Seriously? God there's some really fucking awful people on this thread. I don't have ADHD but the attitudes and ignorance on here is horrendous. Really hope it's just the usual MN idiots trying to be cunts and not indicative of people in general

Wow there is a lot of misunderstanding of ADHD by NT people! It’s perfectly possible for an ADHD sufferer to get up an hour early and still be late. People with ADHD aren’t good at planning ahead or figuring out how long something will take. Then they tend to procrastinate and start something late, or they get engaged in another activity and lose track of time.

If I’m going out I take a guess at what time I need to start getting ready but it’s not always accurate, and I forget details like it’s icy so I need to allow an extra ten minutes to scrape the car. Then maybe I start reading the news over breakfast and get absorbed in it and forget the time, or maybe I simply feel a compulsion to keep reading until I reach the end even though I don’t have time. Then I have to flick the light switch on and off a certain number of times, check what’s in my handbag a certain number of times, and I don’t know in advance how many times. Then I can’t find my socks or shoes etc.

I use alarms to stay on schedule and sometimes I literally have to force myself to leave an activity that I haven’t completed and move on to the next one in order to stay on schedule. You have no idea how psychologically hard it is for me to leave half a cup of tea and go and get washed! Friends understand that it’s part of my disability and they accommodate my lateness. OP perhaps your friend just isn’t compatible with your needs.

Completely agree. Quite shocked by the complete lack of understanding & empathy

My youngest son has ADHD and ASD. He shouts at me for being late when he is the one causing it 😂

My eldest son however is ASD and chose to walk himself to school from year 4 because he was sick of me making him late.

I love being with someone with ASD because they give me a structure and purpose!