I want to leave but worried about suicide

[CompletelyDoneIn]

Sorry for any trigger warnings. I've been on MN a long long time but have name changed for obvious reasons. I will be back to this thread but only when opportunity allows.

Basically I've been with DH a long long time, children, home, cats ect...

DH has always been slightly paranoid but over last few years this has significantly increased.

He has depression, anxiety, suicidal and paranoia. He's on medication but it hasn't been helped.

The paranioa is slowly destroying me. He doesn't like me going anywhere and when I do I have to text him constantly, answer FaceTimes to prove I'm where I say I am, if In going to the shops I have to text him when I get there, while I'm there then when I'm on the way home (for safety apparently). If I'm on my phone it's constant what you doing who are you texting why have you clicked off that.

I have never ever been unfaithful, never gave him reason to doubt me. Yet he is so convinced I'm going to do something, find someone else and leave him.

I get no free time what's so ever and I think this is more so he knows where I am. I always have a DC with me but he regularly does his own thing.

The day before every shift he barely talks to me is moody. But if I'm ever quite then there must be a reason.

I'm so so drained. I don't know how it's got to this point. I'm hurt because I'm an incredibly loyal person but I'm constantly doubted or have to prove I'm not hiding anything.

If I leave he will kill himself. He has told me and I truly believe he will, not even in a manipulative way but because he thinks without me he has nothing.

I don't know what to do to help him. I don't know how to make this situaion better.

We use to be so so happy before his depression really set in. Please can anyone help me. I'll be back to this thread but I'll be logging out as DH has been known to snoop through my phone.

Sounds harsh but it's not your problem (and I would pretty much bet he won't he's using it to control you)

His actions are his fault not yours.

This.

I truely understand how hard it can be, especially when you are living with and have children with someone like this.

But you need to start detaching, reduce your mental and emotional attachment as much as you can and direct that energy into your children and yourself. The adult your living with is responsible for their own health, we can support yet and I don't doubt you have.

I'd look to find another place of residence and then go. Whilst you're in the same house it will be too easy for the guilt tripping to applied.

You need to have a plan so you know what to do if and when you get any contact. This includes blocking him on your phone once you have left, I'd only allow access if he was with the dc for example, outside of that. No communication except by email.

It's tough, so tough but slowly and surely you can plan and start to breathe again.

I promise.

Can you organize MH support for him and then leave?

It is Manipulation 100% and if he does do it, then it's on him not you.
You are not responsible for his actions and choices.
You have to put yourself first, it's a miserable live you are living don't stay.

You are not his support animal. His actions are his own and not your responsibility.

He needs to go back to the Dr and get his meds reviewed. Sounds bloody awful OP 😟

This isn't a relationship, it's a hostage situation. Quite literally.

The thing is: it's not helping him either. He's depending for his stability on controlling something inherently uncontrollable, another human being. You breaking that toxic cycle may well be what he actually needs. But whether it is or not, his life isn't yours to save. Only your own is. You're drowning. You have to cut the rope.

He needs more than medication help. You need to tell him to go to the docs.

Then I agree with others. You're not his keeper and you're not responsible for his actions.

Stop texting him or feeding his paranoia. Start getting your ducks in a row and get ready to leave.

As you leave alert the authorities that he is a danger to himself then don't look back.

Perhaps look up Laura Clery on Facebook or youtube. She recently separated from her husband after he set everything up to commit suicide.

Don’t believe him OP.
My dm threatened to commit suicide regularly and even took a few pills after her marriage breakdown.
One day she had upset my dsis and when I called her out on it she threatened to commit suicide. I was so fed up by then that I told her if she thought that was the answer then it was her decision.
She never threatened again.
It’s manipulation pure and simple.

His situation is very sad but it isn't your fault. It will only get worse. He will expect you not to work, not to leave the house. You are a valuable person in your own right and don't exist only to make him feel better.

Your DC are more important than your DH. Do what is right for them.

Get your ducks in a row and think about what access he might demand after the split i.e. get it known (beforehand) that he has suicidal tendencies and therefore should not have (afterwards) unsupervised access.

Whatever the reason for it, this is domestic abuse OP. Look up coercive control - it is exactly what you're describing. Threats of suicide are also common in this situation. Even if it is 100% down to his mental health issues, he could seek further treatment/different medication but he isn't. Either way, it's not a you issue, it's a him issue. You only get one life - please do what you need to do to get out and start living yours.

May I suggest something which you may not have considered but I think you should in the context of a relationship- people who threaten suicide are dangerous not only to themselves but also you and your children.

From their perspective they have nothing to lose and may be attempting to control you.

I would leave. This is a dangerous situation for your own safety.

What he is exhibiting isn't paranoia, which one could argue is a mental illness; it’s controlling and coercive behaviour which is now a crime. Do not be swayed by his threats of suicide - this is a classic manipulation ploy.
You need to escape from his clutches.

It’s not the OPs job to find support to help him - that’s his job.

I agree with this. I also suspect in the next breath OP would say ‘he will never do anything to hurt me or DC’

I feel for you OP. Sort out all the things you need to sort out and leave or tell him he must leave.

Please leave. His behaviour is escalating and his discussion of suicide indicates that he would not hesitate to hurt you either.

This is more common an action by men like this than suicide. If you are frightened it is because, instinctively, you fear he will control you in any way he can to make you stay.

Ignore mental referrals or discussed of doctors. Leave.

First of all, stop giving in to his demands to facetime and text him when out etc. Go out, switch your phone off and tell him that he cannot keep contacting you, that it is unacceptable behaviour. Don't respond when he asks you what you are looking at.

It is 100% control , him having to know where you are and you having to check in. It is not normal behaviour. He may be paranoid but you are buying into it by responding all the time.

Start making plans to leave, put money away if you need to, look for somewhere else to live. If things ever escalate quickly then get out and call the police and say you are in fear for his life.

Contact his doctor and advise him of the situation, mention the suicide threats and ask what further help there is for him.

I know people who always threaten suicide when they can't get their own way and they always get their own way as the other person always backs down out of fear. Those who repeatedly threaten it are using it as a means of control.

You are not responsible for him or his decisions. You are not responsible for his mental health problems.

I know it will be hard to leave, but you cannot ruin your own life and be trapped there forever .

Does he work OP? It’s very controlling behaviour isn’t it.
what meds was he prescribed? Did he take them? He doesn’t want help - he has it how he wants it - He’s abusive - he has you living in fear and it’s no way to live.
Hes making you responsible for him and his actions.
Its his responsibility -You could contact womens aid for support with a leaving plan. Lots of men claim they will kill themselves if you leave them - mine ex did - he’s remarried within 18 months of separating!!!
He may kill himself and yes that is terrible - but it’s a choice HE is making.
🌺

Is he getting proper treatment for his mental health problems? It is not down to you to deal with this. He has a serious medical condition which needs serious treatment.

I know what living with paranoia is like - my poor OH thought I was trying to kill him. But he was getting treatment.

Op this is so so common

Listen to everyone on this thread

There are many men who say I can't live without you.

Not a few mean "you will not live without me".

Yes it may be emotional manipulation but get it referred to the authorities. This is because if you don't, and there are children involved, they would be able to see him
unsupervised in all likelihood.

Suicide threats are still threats of harm.

I am afraid this wont get better. What he does is essentially up to him. Your job is to protect yourself and your children. It may be paranoia and linked to his mental health. Or it may be controlling and abusive. Either way it is destroying you. Contact the police and Womens Aid.

Oh op what a horrible situation. This isn't on you, and it's not your fault. If you don't leave your mental health will tank too. He's manipulating you.

I doubt he will, he would be more likely to murder you. Many perpetrators of domestic violence claim they will commit suicide, my ex did, but he's still alive and abusing other women. I only woke up after reading a book by the freedom program. www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/