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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to leave but worried about suicide

242 replies

CompletelyDoneIn · 18/11/2022 17:04

Sorry for any trigger warnings. I've been on MN a long long time but have name changed for obvious reasons. I will be back to this thread but only when opportunity allows.

Basically I've been with DH a long long time, children, home, cats ect...

DH has always been slightly paranoid but over last few years this has significantly increased.

He has depression, anxiety, suicidal and paranoia. He's on medication but it hasn't been helped.

The paranioa is slowly destroying me. He doesn't like me going anywhere and when I do I have to text him constantly, answer FaceTimes to prove I'm where I say I am, if In going to the shops I have to text him when I get there, while I'm there then when I'm on the way home (for safety apparently). If I'm on my phone it's constant what you doing who are you texting why have you clicked off that.

I have never ever been unfaithful, never gave him reason to doubt me. Yet he is so convinced I'm going to do something, find someone else and leave him.

I get no free time what's so ever and I think this is more so he knows where I am. I always have a DC with me but he regularly does his own thing.

The day before every shift he barely talks to me is moody. But if I'm ever quite then there must be a reason.

I'm so so drained. I don't know how it's got to this point. I'm hurt because I'm an incredibly loyal person but I'm constantly doubted or have to prove I'm not hiding anything.

If I leave he will kill himself. He has told me and I truly believe he will, not even in a manipulative way but because he thinks without me he has nothing.

I don't know what to do to help him. I don't know how to make this situaion better.

We use to be so so happy before his depression really set in. Please can anyone help me. I'll be back to this thread but I'll be logging out as DH has been known to snoop through my phone.

OP posts:
littlemissfirecracker · 26/12/2022 19:20

Well done, it can't have been easy. Does he have family / friends that can check on him?

SouperNoodle · 26/12/2022 19:21

musingsinmidlife · 26/12/2022 19:17

Rejection, abandonment and end of significant relationships are actually high risk factors for suicide. So no, it isn't all manipulation. There are actual suicidal people who are co dependent or who are very sensitive to rejection and with already poor mental health, the end of a relationship leads to suicide.

The minimizing of men's mental and so many posters dismissing the possibility he could be suicidal and insisting it is all just abusive control, know very little about mental health and have bought into harmful gender stereotypes that lead more deaths. Divorced men are 9 times more likely to die from suicide than divorced women. And men with mental illness and depression also have much higher suicide risks.

The end of a marriage or relationship can be emotionally distressing, and emotional distress accompanied by loss and rejection can be a trigger for suicide - and yes, men experience emotional distress despite the many claims on this thread to the contrary.

OP - you need to talk to a professional. You are getting terrible advice on here. You need to talk to his team and your own supports and people who understand mental illness, suicide, as well as family support and can help you put a plan in place for moving forward - be that with better treatment for him or apart.

Very true but ultimately not her problem anymore

Original poster
CompletelyDoneIn · 26/12/2022 19:22

musingsinmidlife · 26/12/2022 19:17

Rejection, abandonment and end of significant relationships are actually high risk factors for suicide. So no, it isn't all manipulation. There are actual suicidal people who are co dependent or who are very sensitive to rejection and with already poor mental health, the end of a relationship leads to suicide.

The minimizing of men's mental and so many posters dismissing the possibility he could be suicidal and insisting it is all just abusive control, know very little about mental health and have bought into harmful gender stereotypes that lead more deaths. Divorced men are 9 times more likely to die from suicide than divorced women. And men with mental illness and depression also have much higher suicide risks.

The end of a marriage or relationship can be emotionally distressing, and emotional distress accompanied by loss and rejection can be a trigger for suicide - and yes, men experience emotional distress despite the many claims on this thread to the contrary.

OP - you need to talk to a professional. You are getting terrible advice on here. You need to talk to his team and your own supports and people who understand mental illness, suicide, as well as family support and can help you put a plan in place for moving forward - be that with better treatment for him or apart.

I have tried everything I can. I have made him phone the GP, try medication, try counselling. He won't contact the crisis team.

I have done everything to help him. I would do anything to help him.

He has some family support but nothing major and he won't engage in support with them and it will make things worse for me if I try and contact them. They have triggered his MH before.

Please tell me what I can do to help? I don't want him to do anything stupid. I want him to be happy. I want him to be who he was, be a father.

OP posts:
Coxspurplepippin · 26/12/2022 19:23

'Christmas has been awful. So negative. He was miserable and made the atmosphere horrible. The DC noticed.'

And this would be the whole of the rest of your life if you don't leave. I'm sorry, but your children deserve better. Tell your sister the whole story.

If you're very worried about your ex, have the police do a welfare check, but please don't engage with him yourself.

Original poster
CompletelyDoneIn · 26/12/2022 19:27

Coxspurplepippin · 26/12/2022 19:23

'Christmas has been awful. So negative. He was miserable and made the atmosphere horrible. The DC noticed.'

And this would be the whole of the rest of your life if you don't leave. I'm sorry, but your children deserve better. Tell your sister the whole story.

If you're very worried about your ex, have the police do a welfare check, but please don't engage with him yourself.

This is why I've left. I'm not an anxious person. I think I'm quite strong but I have noticed that I have constant anxiety because I don't know what mood he will be in, what will set him off, trying to keep the DC out of his way so he doesn't tell them off for pathetic reasons.

OP posts:
littlemissfirecracker · 26/12/2022 19:28

You need to get someone else involved, be that a family member or professional/police. You cannot fix him. You are not trained in this.

You need space to breathe. It is clear you have supported him as much as you are capable of but now it is time to put the kids and you first.

littlemissfirecracker · 26/12/2022 19:29

And, please talk to your sister. You need someone to talk too.

dontputitthere · 26/12/2022 19:30

Op you have done everything you can. I can see that. You are at your limit. And your children need you.

I have no doubt you are doing the right thing. For you. And them

billy1966 · 26/12/2022 19:31

Well done.

You are in a highly abusive controlling relationship which undoubtedly is impacting your children.

Call the police and hand over responsibility of him to them.

Your children need you safe and well.

musingsinmidlife · 26/12/2022 19:32

CompletelyDoneIn · 26/12/2022 19:22

I have tried everything I can. I have made him phone the GP, try medication, try counselling. He won't contact the crisis team.

I have done everything to help him. I would do anything to help him.

He has some family support but nothing major and he won't engage in support with them and it will make things worse for me if I try and contact them. They have triggered his MH before.

Please tell me what I can do to help? I don't want him to do anything stupid. I want him to be happy. I want him to be who he was, be a father.

Show quote history

You can't make him better or cure his illness or change how it presents or impacts his functioning and all of you. Unfortunately not all illness responds well to treatment and some people continue to have many symptoms and impacts without it.

I would just suggest you talk to a professional and get support for yourself and your kids. I am not saying you should stay - that isn't always the answer, just that it is possible his emotional distress is very real and that he will struggle. Kids losing a parent to suicide can also be very emotionally impactful and damaging. Leaving doesn't mean that you and the kids are protected from any impacts. That is why you need professional involved.

My main point was to counter the stigma and discriminatory tone of many of that the only reason for his suicidal ideation is manipulation and that there is no risk as he isn't suicidal and just being nasty.

I would strongly suggest you and your kids access services for yourself.

HopefullyBePregnantViaIUI · 26/12/2022 19:39

Someone informing you they will end their life via sucide if you leave them is completely narcissistic and unknowingly he is domestically abusing you. Please get in touch with your local womans aid, they will speak to you via phone call or face to face and support/explain to you that what hes doing is wrong xx

Original poster
CompletelyDoneIn · 26/12/2022 19:40

musinginmidlife I know there's stigma and I have taken everything so seriously. I have done everything, I've tried to make him engage in help. There's nothing I wouldn't do to help him.

I don't want my DC to grow up without their dad, I don't want to co parent. I want my family. I don't them to suffer.

I'm trying to do anything to help everyone. I'm lost.

OP posts:
Catastrophejane · 26/12/2022 19:41

Well done! I can’t imagine how hard this must’ve been, but you’ve done the right thing for you, your kids and for him.

he needs treatment- it’s possible that he is both abusive AND in mental distress, but you can’t fix this. You had to walk away.

speak to your sister, have a good cry. But also please be proud of yourself for having the courage to do this x

musingsinmidlife · 26/12/2022 19:47

CompletelyDoneIn · 26/12/2022 19:40

musinginmidlife I know there's stigma and I have taken everything so seriously. I have done everything, I've tried to make him engage in help. There's nothing I wouldn't do to help him.

I don't want my DC to grow up without their dad, I don't want to co parent. I want my family. I don't them to suffer.

I'm trying to do anything to help everyone. I'm lost.

Have you seen a councillor or therapist or been able to get involved in any family support programs related to having a family member with mental illness?

This page has some supports and services. www.mind.org.uk/information-support/helping-someone-else/carers-friends-family-coping-support/support-for-you/

Having a family member with any chronic illness is very hard, and a mental illness can be even more impactful. I would access supports and services for you and your kids. You need support to navigate and in your efforts to help everyone

Original poster
CompletelyDoneIn · 26/12/2022 19:49

musinginmidlife I haven't accessed any support for myself or for the DC. The focus has been on getting him help and support.

OP posts:
category12 · 26/12/2022 19:51

You've done the right thing in leaving. Maybe it'll be enough to shock him into seeking help.

You cannot do it for him, you cannot mend him, and it's no way for you and the children to live under the cloud of his mood all the time.

Only he can save himself.

musingsinmidlife · 26/12/2022 19:53

CompletelyDoneIn · 26/12/2022 19:49

musinginmidlife I haven't accessed any support for myself or for the DC. The focus has been on getting him help and support.

I would really prioritise getting support for yourself and the kids. Sometimes getting support for yourself and the kids actually in the end supports him and helps him indirectly. You can't do more for him directly. You can get yourself and your kids support and that can also help in figuring out what the healthiest relationship looks like for the kids and their dad and for you as a family unit.

Original poster
CompletelyDoneIn · 26/12/2022 20:36

I will look into support for me and the DC.

All the messages, calls have started 😔 couldn't respect I needed a night to myself with no stress

OP posts:
CharlottePerrens · 26/12/2022 20:38

Can you go see the GP about him getting sectioned? His MH/illness is life threatening.

CharlottePerrens · 26/12/2022 20:43

CompletelyDoneIn · 26/12/2022 20:36

I will look into support for me and the DC.

All the messages, calls have started 😔 couldn't respect I needed a night to myself with no stress

Send him a message, saying that you need a night away and will be switching off your phone. Incidentally, you mention DSC, was he like this with his previous partner?

userxx · 26/12/2022 20:50

CompletelyDoneIn · 26/12/2022 18:58

Is anyone around for a hand hold? I've done it. I've left.

He's told me he won't be here tonight, I accused him of manipulating me and using it as a threat because he didn't want me to leave but of course he turned that into me twisting his words.

I'm on edge. I'm trying not to contact him just to make sure he's safe. If I do he knows he has that power, if I don't and he does something then I'm the heartless bit*h

I feel lost

And breathe. You've absolutely done the right thing, please please don't go back.

lamaze1 · 26/12/2022 21:05

CompletelyDoneIn · 26/12/2022 20:36

I will look into support for me and the DC.

All the messages, calls have started 😔 couldn't respect I needed a night to myself with no stress

Turn your phone off. He needs to be willing to access the help available to him. That doesn't have to be with or via you. You cannot sacrifice yourself for him. He isn't respecting your boundaries.

LexMitior · 26/12/2022 21:06

I would suggest that you contact a family law solicitor to protect your interests.

I world, unusually recommend Goodman Ray. They have real expertise in cases like yours.

You need to consider that your sympathy for your husband must come a very distant second to the needs of your children and your need to support them to a stable childhood. Only by your husband exercising his own will can this matter be resolved. This matter is in his hands first. The law will look to the needs and priorities for the children. Never forget that.

Best of luck

Wallywobbles · 26/12/2022 21:13

Turn your phone off. The people who count are with you.

Original poster
CompletelyDoneIn · 26/12/2022 21:50

LexMitior · 26/12/2022 21:06

I would suggest that you contact a family law solicitor to protect your interests.

I world, unusually recommend Goodman Ray. They have real expertise in cases like yours.

You need to consider that your sympathy for your husband must come a very distant second to the needs of your children and your need to support them to a stable childhood. Only by your husband exercising his own will can this matter be resolved. This matter is in his hands first. The law will look to the needs and priorities for the children. Never forget that.

Best of luck

I will look into this.

I don't think he would over rule me with the kids because of his mental state but I don't completely trust that.

If I turn my phone off then i think his paranoia will explode and I could be signing his life away

OP posts: