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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to leave but worried about suicide

242 replies

CompletelyDoneIn · 18/11/2022 17:04

Sorry for any trigger warnings. I've been on MN a long long time but have name changed for obvious reasons. I will be back to this thread but only when opportunity allows.

Basically I've been with DH a long long time, children, home, cats ect...

DH has always been slightly paranoid but over last few years this has significantly increased.

He has depression, anxiety, suicidal and paranoia. He's on medication but it hasn't been helped.

The paranioa is slowly destroying me. He doesn't like me going anywhere and when I do I have to text him constantly, answer FaceTimes to prove I'm where I say I am, if In going to the shops I have to text him when I get there, while I'm there then when I'm on the way home (for safety apparently). If I'm on my phone it's constant what you doing who are you texting why have you clicked off that.

I have never ever been unfaithful, never gave him reason to doubt me. Yet he is so convinced I'm going to do something, find someone else and leave him.

I get no free time what's so ever and I think this is more so he knows where I am. I always have a DC with me but he regularly does his own thing.

The day before every shift he barely talks to me is moody. But if I'm ever quite then there must be a reason.

I'm so so drained. I don't know how it's got to this point. I'm hurt because I'm an incredibly loyal person but I'm constantly doubted or have to prove I'm not hiding anything.

If I leave he will kill himself. He has told me and I truly believe he will, not even in a manipulative way but because he thinks without me he has nothing.

I don't know what to do to help him. I don't know how to make this situaion better.

We use to be so so happy before his depression really set in. Please can anyone help me. I'll be back to this thread but I'll be logging out as DH has been known to snoop through my phone.

OP posts:
Autumntimeagain · 19/11/2022 11:53

He is actually slowly killing both you and your DC.

It's not acceptable for you to sacrifice yourself and your DC's in this way, because his mental health may well get even worse, and forcing your DC to live with this, in their home, where they should feel nothing but safe, secure and prioritized, is beyond cruel.

You have to put your needs and the needs of your children above his mental illness.

Rafferty10 · 19/11/2022 12:05

*This isn't a relationship, it's a hostage situation. Quite literally.

The thing is: it's not helping him either. He's depending for his stability on controlling something inherently uncontrollable, another human being. You breaking that toxic cycle may well be what he actually needs. But whether it is or not, his life isn't yours to save. Only your own is. You're drowning. You have to cut the rope.*

This ^

user1471538283 · 19/11/2022 12:44

I don't believe him. From my experience of being constantly accused of cheating he was the one cheating.

You are not responsible for him. I would leave with the DC. I bet he gets another woman in weeks.

SquishyGloopyBum · 19/11/2022 13:01

He can't have the kids alone at the moment, there's no way he'll have them 50/50. Don't let that be a reason to stay.

Even if he tried, he won't cope past the first day.

In the meantime, stop pandering to his controlling behaviours.

AnuSTart · 19/11/2022 13:02

YOU ARE BEING ABUSED.

It's plain and simple.
You cannot fix him.
He is a danger to you and your children.
If this doesn't help you leave then nothing will. Which is fucked up frankly.

Daleksatemyshed · 19/11/2022 13:45

I'd second the posters who've told you to stop texting and facetiming him when you're out. It doesn't seem to make him any less paranoid, in fact it's reinforcing his belief that he has to constantly check up on you. Tell him that he needs to help himself more and part of that will be you refusing to be held accountable for the time you're apart.
I know you don't want to give up on him Op but this can't go on, you have no life and you feel afraid to leave his own DC alone with him, that can't be right. If you don't make a change now this will only get worse . Supposing he does the same to your DC, won't let them go out and have their own lives - will you let that happen to make him feel better? I really don't see any course but for you to leave, I'm sorry

layladomino · 19/11/2022 14:28

No he wouldn't automatically get 50% contact. He has a history of mental illness which is potentially harmful and that is on the record. I had a similar scenario and the DCs were with me 100%, and exDH had them only when other people were around. Bearing in mind his MH situation, if your DH cares for your children he wouldn't want it any other way. Surely he wouldn't try to insist on having the children on his own?

You have tried to help him. It hasn't worked. He's getting worse. So sticking around won't help him. But it will destroy you and doubtless will impact your children too. You have a choice but your children don't. Please prioritise them over your husband.

If your husband decided to commit suicide, he would probably have done it anyway. You couldn't stop him. It would be his decision. And you can't stay with someone because of that threat. As pp said, that's a hostage situation not a marriage.

KirstysDad · 19/11/2022 16:38

Threatening to kill yourself because you are not getting what you want is not the same as being clinically depressed or delusional or vulnerable to taking your own life due to other impaired judgement. People who seek help do so because they are fearful that they might take their life. Many people who do commit suicide keep it to themselves and don't seek professional help.
I suspect mental health services could take a view that he might not have a mental illness that can be treated.

Original poster
CompletelyDoneIn · 03/12/2022 15:34

Sorry for only just coming back to this thread. The responses were very overwhelming last time and it's a lot to process.

He doesn't think he's a risk to anyone but himself and especially not me or the DC so he wouldn't accept supervised contact at all. If I tried to stop contact then it would push him over the edge.

Since reading all the replies last night I have been doing a lot of thinking and observing home life situation. I have registered with my local council secretly to see if there's anywhere for me and the DC. I have noticed our eldest has become more aware and that just isn't acceptable.

He's saying everyday he has suicidal thoughts. Everyday is eggshells, what mood will he be in, how long will it last.

I mention do you think DC would like this for Christmas and he replies I don't no if I'll be here you organise. So I've organised everything then in passing I mentioned a potential gift and he lost his shit saying no he doesn't agree I best not go against him or I'll be starting a huge row and he can't handle that so now I know he's feelings I should respect them. It was like a light bulb went off, I respect his feelings constantly, he gives me no help, no input no advice on anything but then wants to forbid me buying something because he says so.

After that little 'debate' he came home and said that if he didn't come home he would of killed himself and it was the first time I truly think he ment it in a manipulative manner. He wasn't going to kill himself that night but it's like he mentioned it so I'd toe his line.

I need to detach, I need to plan the next steps. I can't walk out the door that easily because bills, home, DC, pets but I need a plan

OP posts:
magicalorange · 03/12/2022 15:45

You need to leave him.

Maybe he is truly suicidal, but that doesn't mean you're responsible for him, and you should not stay in this abusive relationship.

2bazookas · 03/12/2022 16:55

I don't know what to do to help him. I don't know how to make this situaion better

You can't fix his mental illness; or make it better for him. If his suicide ideation is genuine, nobody can or will prevent it happening.

You CAN help your children, and make this situation better for them, and that's what you must focus on. You need to leave. Don't risk your children either witnessing or discovering the suicide of their father. Don't risk him taking them with him.

Daleksatemyshed · 03/12/2022 17:51

I'm glad you came back to your thread @CompletelyDoneIn, it's good to know you've been thinking about this and starting to take some steps in the right direction. It must be very hard to seperate the times your DH might really be very unhappy and when he's trying to manipulate you, but at least now you're looking at this all a bit more clearly. I hope the Council can help you and your DC start afresh

Always4Brenner · 03/12/2022 17:52

All the best to you OP I ho-e you manage to get all the help you need.

SusanneBen · 03/12/2022 19:26

You married him for better or worse. You know he is suffering from depression and I would hope you would do everything, everything, to help him get through the tough times before you consider leaving him. Bring him to doctors, maybe medicine would help. Change your own schedule to spend more times with him away from the house, do things you did when you were first together, make him feel loved and needed like you did back then. Work to rebuild a social life for him, join social clubs, religious or not. Go out to play cards or watch movies, visit friends or join a group where you will make new ones.

At the same time, you need to make a life for yourself. When you are going shopping, tell him you will be shopping and having tea with Louise and will be home at 4. Then do it and insist he not call unless there is an emergency requiring you to rush home. You need friends who you feel safe venting to, people apart from DH. Join a book club, take up pottery making, have some time for yourself. DH will survive you being away for a few hours a couple times a week.

There are times when mental illness does become too much for any marriage to bear, but it doesn't sound like you are in that place yet. I hope you will not give up easily.

Soproudoflionesses · 03/12/2022 19:36

SusanneBen · 03/12/2022 19:26

You married him for better or worse. You know he is suffering from depression and I would hope you would do everything, everything, to help him get through the tough times before you consider leaving him. Bring him to doctors, maybe medicine would help. Change your own schedule to spend more times with him away from the house, do things you did when you were first together, make him feel loved and needed like you did back then. Work to rebuild a social life for him, join social clubs, religious or not. Go out to play cards or watch movies, visit friends or join a group where you will make new ones.

At the same time, you need to make a life for yourself. When you are going shopping, tell him you will be shopping and having tea with Louise and will be home at 4. Then do it and insist he not call unless there is an emergency requiring you to rush home. You need friends who you feel safe venting to, people apart from DH. Join a book club, take up pottery making, have some time for yourself. DH will survive you being away for a few hours a couple times a week.

There are times when mental illness does become too much for any marriage to bear, but it doesn't sound like you are in that place yet. I hope you will not give up easily.

Sounds to me like op has been more than accommodating and is now being manipulated into doing whatever dh wants.
Why is his mental health more important than hers and their children's? He needs to help himself rather than her do it all for him.
Op please stop sacrificing yourself and make plans to get away before he sucks all your life out of you xx

BigCheeseSandwich · 03/12/2022 19:48

He’s extremely manipulative and I’m glad you’re seeing the light.

Alcemeg · 03/12/2022 19:50

I can't help thinking if I was serious about killing myself I would keep quiet about it so as not to arouse suspicion. He sounds as though he is used to getting his way and this is his trump card. Exhausting for you, OP.

Outtasteamandluck · 03/12/2022 19:51

SusanneBen · 03/12/2022 19:26

You married him for better or worse. You know he is suffering from depression and I would hope you would do everything, everything, to help him get through the tough times before you consider leaving him. Bring him to doctors, maybe medicine would help. Change your own schedule to spend more times with him away from the house, do things you did when you were first together, make him feel loved and needed like you did back then. Work to rebuild a social life for him, join social clubs, religious or not. Go out to play cards or watch movies, visit friends or join a group where you will make new ones.

At the same time, you need to make a life for yourself. When you are going shopping, tell him you will be shopping and having tea with Louise and will be home at 4. Then do it and insist he not call unless there is an emergency requiring you to rush home. You need friends who you feel safe venting to, people apart from DH. Join a book club, take up pottery making, have some time for yourself. DH will survive you being away for a few hours a couple times a week.

There are times when mental illness does become too much for any marriage to bear, but it doesn't sound like you are in that place yet. I hope you will not give up easily.

Oh do shut up.

Always4Brenner · 03/12/2022 19:58

SusanneBen · 03/12/2022 19:26

You married him for better or worse. You know he is suffering from depression and I would hope you would do everything, everything, to help him get through the tough times before you consider leaving him. Bring him to doctors, maybe medicine would help. Change your own schedule to spend more times with him away from the house, do things you did when you were first together, make him feel loved and needed like you did back then. Work to rebuild a social life for him, join social clubs, religious or not. Go out to play cards or watch movies, visit friends or join a group where you will make new ones.

At the same time, you need to make a life for yourself. When you are going shopping, tell him you will be shopping and having tea with Louise and will be home at 4. Then do it and insist he not call unless there is an emergency requiring you to rush home. You need friends who you feel safe venting to, people apart from DH. Join a book club, take up pottery making, have some time for yourself. DH will survive you being away for a few hours a couple times a week.

There are times when mental illness does become too much for any marriage to bear, but it doesn't sound like you are in that place yet. I hope you will not give up easily.

I suggest you walk in her shoes for a few years then say this.

Nogreens · 03/12/2022 20:16

@SusanneBen to read to the OP's post and come up with that nonsense, there must be something wrong with you. Seriously, get help.

2bazookas · 03/12/2022 20:18

@SusanneBen

Work to rebuild a social life for him, join social clubs, religious or not. Go out to play cards or watch movies, visit friends or join a group where you will make new ones.

          I don't think you've ever seen or witnessed the  degree   of mental illness OP's  describes in her husband.
Opentooffers · 03/12/2022 20:45

So, if you clearly state where you are going with a ballpark time for return, then switch your phone off, what is he going to do really? Well you might find out if he's a danger to you, in which case, clear indication to leave. But if he just threatens suicide more often, let him him threaten- I'll bet he's still alive weeks later.
He's been pushing your boundaries for years, while you have bent over accommodating him at a deep cost to yourself- has it improved? Nope he's worse than ever by the sound of it, so no amount of toeing the line will work.
Time to push back a little, nothing out of the realms of what's reasonable. Then you'll at least find out who he is without your platitudes - if he's able to change his behaviour dependent on whether you follow his outlandish rules, then he is chosing to be a certain way as punishment, and that is totally manipulative.

CliffsofMohair · 03/12/2022 20:46

OP linking in with Women’s Aid would be a good idea to begin to talk through the steps of a safe withdrawal. Respectfully, when you’re in the middle of it, you’re not best placed to appraise the level of risk to yourself or DC. If you have an employee assistance program as part of your work they are another source of support.

Madamswearsalot · 03/12/2022 20:51

He does sound very depressed BUT he is taking you down with him. His coping mechanisms in this situation have turned very quickly into a stranglehold for you. It is completely unreasonable and most importantly - it is not making him get better.

If it helps, you can think of his depression and poor mental health as the cause of his control and manipulation but that doesn't mean you should excuse it or continue to live with it. It's still unacceptable behaviour.

Continue making your plans. I think for your own sanity and your DC you need to know there are escape options available to you.

Circumferences · 03/12/2022 20:52

Men who speak like this are known to murder their entire family before killing themselves....
You really really need to leave carefully.