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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to leave but worried about suicide

242 replies

CompletelyDoneIn · 18/11/2022 17:04

Sorry for any trigger warnings. I've been on MN a long long time but have name changed for obvious reasons. I will be back to this thread but only when opportunity allows.

Basically I've been with DH a long long time, children, home, cats ect...

DH has always been slightly paranoid but over last few years this has significantly increased.

He has depression, anxiety, suicidal and paranoia. He's on medication but it hasn't been helped.

The paranioa is slowly destroying me. He doesn't like me going anywhere and when I do I have to text him constantly, answer FaceTimes to prove I'm where I say I am, if In going to the shops I have to text him when I get there, while I'm there then when I'm on the way home (for safety apparently). If I'm on my phone it's constant what you doing who are you texting why have you clicked off that.

I have never ever been unfaithful, never gave him reason to doubt me. Yet he is so convinced I'm going to do something, find someone else and leave him.

I get no free time what's so ever and I think this is more so he knows where I am. I always have a DC with me but he regularly does his own thing.

The day before every shift he barely talks to me is moody. But if I'm ever quite then there must be a reason.

I'm so so drained. I don't know how it's got to this point. I'm hurt because I'm an incredibly loyal person but I'm constantly doubted or have to prove I'm not hiding anything.

If I leave he will kill himself. He has told me and I truly believe he will, not even in a manipulative way but because he thinks without me he has nothing.

I don't know what to do to help him. I don't know how to make this situaion better.

We use to be so so happy before his depression really set in. Please can anyone help me. I'll be back to this thread but I'll be logging out as DH has been known to snoop through my phone.

OP posts:
Mojoj · 18/11/2022 21:13

He's controlling and manipulating you. His mental health is his problem. Don't make it yours.

category12 · 18/11/2022 21:13

Honestly, this is a bad situation for your children.

However much you think you're shielding them, you're not.

You can't fix him for them. Staying isn't helping.

If he's as mentally ill as you say, he probably needs to go into hospital. He needs professional help.

If he won't seek serious help, he'll take you all down with him. Yes, his suicide would be devastating for everyone, but he also doing huge amounts of damage to you and your children all right now. Something has to change.

heretohelp22 · 18/11/2022 21:46

OP I'm sorry to hear you are going through this. I was previously with a paranoid man like this, it is exhausting and creates so much anxiety, you feel constantly on edge. It is not your responsibility though, he is emotionally abusing you. You can not continue to just accept this

Shiraztonight · 18/11/2022 22:06

This is not your problem, he has agency, he is not your responsibility. My exh used to pull that shit and eventually he did kill himself and you know what, life is better and easier without him.

SomeChickensAreJustTooBig · 18/11/2022 22:10

His mental health is not your responsibility. If he is suicidal he’ll do what he’s going to do, whether you stay with him or not. He needs professional help, not an emotional crutch. You aren’t really doing him any favours staying. Sorry, as you care about him, but this is my view.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 18/11/2022 22:14

There's some excellent advice on here OP. How he's treating you is nit OK - and sadly your children will be aware of the tension & his moods, no matter how hard you try to hide it.
I suspect that this is perhaps not what you expected when you started the thread? Maybe take some time to re read the comments and consider whether everyone has a point?

Boiledbeetle · 18/11/2022 22:33

If I leave he will kill himself. He has told me and I truly believe he will, not even in a manipulative way but because he thinks without me he has nothing.

Well I would have been gone the first time he used that as a threat. And it is manipulative. That along with the having you in constant contact.

Ill or not he doesn't have the right to threaten to kill himself iff you leave or to monopolise your time like that.

Also if he does kill himself that's not on you that's 100% on him.

piedbeauty · 18/11/2022 22:39

He's a controlling monster. How can you put up with his behaviour?

If he did harm himself, it's down to him. You are not a support human for him. You're not there to fix him. He is making your life immeasurably worse. You don't owe him anything.

Leave him and be happy. Life is short.

pippinsleftleg · 18/11/2022 23:58

If the meds can’t fix him and the crisis team can’t fix him how are you meant to?

AnnieSnap · 19/11/2022 00:16

I haven’t had time to read through the thread, but didn’t want to read your post and not respond. So, apologies if I have missed something important further down the thread.

My ex husband started drinking (even more) heavily when I told him our marriage was over. We had to be in the same house for a while after telling him. Eventually, he said he may as well take an overdose. I didn’t respond and went to bed. I heard him (loudly) opening and closing drawers. I was concerned, but if I’d paid attention to it, I would just have been reinforcing it, so I called his bluff. He didn’t do it! He had refused over the weeks before this to tell any friends or his family members that I was ending the marriage, so he had no emotional support. After this, I rang one of his sisters, told her about the situation and that he needed some emotional support. They are a big family and I knew she would tell the others. So he had support in place and it didn’t have to be me. It’s worth noting that my ex did not have a history of mental health problems. There could be some risk with yours, but as a PP said, it is a manipulation and it is not your responsibility to keep him safe. I think you should inform your husband’s GP of the situation and your concerns. Do the same with any mental health worker he has and the crisis team if they have ever been involved. If you can’t get past the receptionist, leave a detailed message. They will get it.

SquirrelSoShiny · 19/11/2022 00:19

LexMitior · 18/11/2022 17:41

May I suggest something which you may not have considered but I think you should in the context of a relationship- people who threaten suicide are dangerous not only to themselves but also you and your children.

From their perspective they have nothing to lose and may be attempting to control you.

I would leave. This is a dangerous situation for your own safety.

This.

I think this man has become a danger to you. Please take extreme care.

AgentJohnson · 19/11/2022 06:48

You can not be held hostage by his poor mh. If you’re there as his constant safety net then there is less motivation to get help. The threats of suicide could be a symptom of how he’s feeling and a means to control you, the two aren’t mutually exclusive.

Original poster
CompletelyDoneIn · 19/11/2022 10:49

The DC are with either my sister or DM which isn't always easy to organise.

When I've tried to say no I won't message you I've told youI'm going here, I'll be back in 2 hours for example he will say I'm being difficult it doesn't cause any hardship for me to keep him updated and then it makes him feel better and reassured. Like I'm the one being difficult for no good reason.

I will re read this but it's a lot to process. It's easy to say leave leave leave but it isn't always so easy or quick to do. My children need a home, bils need to be paid, I have no grounds to stop him contact so he could get them 50/50 then where does that leave them

OP posts:
category12 · 19/11/2022 11:06

Don't you? The man's constantly threatening suicide, is severely depressed etc - surely that's grounds for him not having residency of the children?

If he's not under mental health services, why not?

While you stay, you must inform his mental health care team about his threats, his paranoia. How will he ever get the help he needs if you're hiding it?

You need to be active about this for two reasons, 1 so he gets the help he needs and 2 if you do leave, you have the official record to support you in doing what's best for the children.

Acheyknees · 19/11/2022 11:13

If you're not ready to leave him, you've got to place some responsibility on to him to improve. You tell him that you are not going to message him when you are out. If he can't deal with that, so be it. But you are not pampering to silly demands. Start putting boundaries in place, practice saying 'no, I am not doing that'. Detach yourself from feeling that his MH is your problem, it's not.
What's his plan to help himself? When does he feel like he'll be able to participate in family life? When is he going back to work? Ask him all these questions. Stop allowing his MH to dictate everyone's mood.

category12 · 19/11/2022 11:21

Can I tell you a schoolmate's lifestory?

Her husband committed suicide when their children were younger. Everyone was really shocked and devastated.

It came out later that her relationship with him had been abusive, (whether it was his mental health or something else that made him like that), I don't know. She'd done her best to help him but he was just beyond help.

She was on her own after his death for a while. She got a lot of help for herself and the children from charities and support groups.

She's remarried now to a nice man and she & her dc seem really happy and absolutely thriving. I'm sure there is still background trauma there, but they're doing incredibly well from all appearances.

She's amazing and she deserves the happiness she's got.

Obviously you don't want this outcome, but dont forget there is life to be lived for you and your children whatever he does.

LexMitior · 19/11/2022 11:21

Your husband is not going to get 50/50 with the kind of problems you describe him having, and if he's threatening suicide or acting in this way in front of the kids, then no, it will not be permitted.

However, you would need to report and disclose these problems to the authorities before you left.

monsteramunch · 19/11/2022 11:30

What he's doing is a crime OP. Coercive control is a crime.

The good (for want of a better word) thing about the messaging requests is that it means you have a digital record of his harassment and control.

If you don't reply in what he deems a suitable time, I assume he then bombards you with messages?

Has he made suicide threats in writing too?

viques · 19/11/2022 11:31

I don’t believe he would ever hurt us.

He is already hurting you, and your children. He is twisting the way you think, making you anxious, stopping your children from gaining confidence in their own mental strength, stopping you all from being honest about your own needs and wants. These are all very limiting actions that are hurting both your wellbeing and your childrens potential .

His situation is sad, but yours is tragic.

monsteramunch · 19/11/2022 11:37

I don’t believe he would ever hurt us.

He, and unwillingly you, are hurting them though. Because you're setting them up for an adulthood of replicating this dynamic. Of being either a controlling abuser or a victim of one.

I know that will hurt to read but your relationship is their blueprint for what normal looks like.

Ladybug14 · 19/11/2022 11:43

He is committing a crime with his coertion and control

He may be depressed and paranoid but he is committing a crime through his behaviour

He may kill himself when you leave. But that is his choice. At the moment he is killing you and your children are watching this slow death

Put your children first and leave.

Now

Today

Ladybug14 · 19/11/2022 11:47

By the way. You are not on this earth to fix anyone

You are a mother who should live her best life so that her children can live their best life

If you truly want to put your children first then you must leave him

LoveShitJokes · 19/11/2022 11:48

IF he kills himself it's 100% not on you. You are not responsible for him.

I'd bet my life savings he won't though. He's got you manipulated into thinking he can't live without you. In reality he'll be shacked up with some other poor fucker in no time. Men never stay single for long.

pompomsontheedge · 19/11/2022 11:50

Leave and don't look back. I lived like you and that was before mobile but homes and it was horrifying. I can't imagine how much worse it is now.

Please please leave either to family or temporary housing. Temporary housing isn't always awful, in our area women are housed in huge posh houses that haven't been rented out privately. They also live rent and bill free whilst they are homeless.

pompomsontheedge · 19/11/2022 11:52

I'd firstly contact womens aid and I'd book an appointment with your gp to tell them what's going on. They will add support to your case.

If financially it will difficult to leave then register for social housing today.