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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I want to leave but worried about suicide

242 replies

CompletelyDoneIn · 18/11/2022 17:04

Sorry for any trigger warnings. I've been on MN a long long time but have name changed for obvious reasons. I will be back to this thread but only when opportunity allows.

Basically I've been with DH a long long time, children, home, cats ect...

DH has always been slightly paranoid but over last few years this has significantly increased.

He has depression, anxiety, suicidal and paranoia. He's on medication but it hasn't been helped.

The paranioa is slowly destroying me. He doesn't like me going anywhere and when I do I have to text him constantly, answer FaceTimes to prove I'm where I say I am, if In going to the shops I have to text him when I get there, while I'm there then when I'm on the way home (for safety apparently). If I'm on my phone it's constant what you doing who are you texting why have you clicked off that.

I have never ever been unfaithful, never gave him reason to doubt me. Yet he is so convinced I'm going to do something, find someone else and leave him.

I get no free time what's so ever and I think this is more so he knows where I am. I always have a DC with me but he regularly does his own thing.

The day before every shift he barely talks to me is moody. But if I'm ever quite then there must be a reason.

I'm so so drained. I don't know how it's got to this point. I'm hurt because I'm an incredibly loyal person but I'm constantly doubted or have to prove I'm not hiding anything.

If I leave he will kill himself. He has told me and I truly believe he will, not even in a manipulative way but because he thinks without me he has nothing.

I don't know what to do to help him. I don't know how to make this situaion better.

We use to be so so happy before his depression really set in. Please can anyone help me. I'll be back to this thread but I'll be logging out as DH has been known to snoop through my phone.

OP posts:
HamBone · 27/12/2022 17:55

*does

ClementWeatherToday · 27/12/2022 18:25

He hasn't been diagnosed with any kind of personality disorder just anxiety and depression from the GP.

Oh, OP. He isn't an extremely mentally unwell man suffering from "paranoia" - he is an extremely abusive man who is very controlling.

The thing is he does have symptoms of depression: constant low mood (which affects everyone), insomnia, reduced appetite, poor attention.

The stuff just seems to magifiy when I go to work, leave the house ect..

How convenient for him. How awful for you (and your children).

His blames his paranoia as caused by being depressed and the negative thoughts in his head

What @BreadInCaptivity said.

Contact Mind and explain the situation to them. Contact also your local branch of Women's Aid. Men like him are ten a penny (my cousin recently left one - he is still alive and kicking and making a nuisance of himself).

Turn off your phone or block him. You cannot set yourself on fire to keep him warm.

Talon01 · 27/12/2022 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

category12 · 27/12/2022 18:39

He hasn't been diagnosed with any kind of personality disorder just anxiety and m He hasn't been diagnosed with any kind of personality disorder just anxiety and depression from the GP.
The thing is he does have symptoms of depression: constant low mood (which affects everyone), insomnia, reduced appetite, poor attention.
The stuff just seems to magifiy when I go to work, leave the house ect..

It just sounds like a method of control and abuse, not a mental health condition. You're not his security blanket or support animal.

Is he only under the GP and not having support from a mental health team? If he's genuinely as mentally ill as he claims, then he needs to be getting significant medical & psychiatric intervention. You are not a substitute for that.

If he;s using a diagnosis for less severe illness to terrorise and control you, then he's abusive, not ill.

If he turns up, don't let him in, don't go out to him. Instead tell him via text or a proxy that you'll see him when you are ready and in the meantime, he needs to seek professional help. If he kicks off outside or threatens to harm himself, then call the police. It's time that all this was brought into the light and either he gets the help he needs through sectioning or whatever else may be appropriate.

Moser85 · 27/12/2022 19:09

The thing is he does have symptoms of depression: constant low mood (which affects everyone), insomnia, reduced appetite, poor attention.

The stuff just seems to magifiy when I go to work, leave the house ect..

His blames his paranoia as caused by being depressed and the negative thoughts in his head

Pretty much ALL abusive and controlling men will have some kind of mental health issues and use that to explain their behaviour.

I only did it because I am so afraid to lose you.
I have anxiety so I just get so afraid that you'll leave me and I can't lose you because I love you so much
I'm only paranoid because I love you so much
I can't control how I feel I just love you so much and get so scared and then my depression kicks in and my anxiety and my abandonment issues and blah blah blah.

@category12 was so right
It's time that all this was brought into the light

If you don't OP then this situation is going to be much the same in a few weeks/months.

billy1966 · 27/12/2022 19:26

category12 · 27/12/2022 18:39

He hasn't been diagnosed with any kind of personality disorder just anxiety and m He hasn't been diagnosed with any kind of personality disorder just anxiety and depression from the GP.
The thing is he does have symptoms of depression: constant low mood (which affects everyone), insomnia, reduced appetite, poor attention.
The stuff just seems to magifiy when I go to work, leave the house ect..

It just sounds like a method of control and abuse, not a mental health condition. You're not his security blanket or support animal.

Is he only under the GP and not having support from a mental health team? If he's genuinely as mentally ill as he claims, then he needs to be getting significant medical & psychiatric intervention. You are not a substitute for that.

If he;s using a diagnosis for less severe illness to terrorise and control you, then he's abusive, not ill.

If he turns up, don't let him in, don't go out to him. Instead tell him via text or a proxy that you'll see him when you are ready and in the meantime, he needs to seek professional help. If he kicks off outside or threatens to harm himself, then call the police. It's time that all this was brought into the light and either he gets the help he needs through sectioning or whatever else may be appropriate.

Great advice as usual @category12 .

Horribly abusive men that terrorise their family are NOT well.

Of course they're not.

But that doesn't mean their sickness comes ahead of women and children that are terrorised by them.

They are not projects.

They are just truly awful men that leave nothing but confusion, grief, sadness, terror and horrible childhoods in their wake.

You can't save him.

Save your children.

Every time.

LexMitior · 27/12/2022 19:39

Okay you should definitely ignore the "I've realised you leaving means I need to change".

Most of your posts describe a controlling man, and I wonder who earns the money? Is it you? He has a lot to gain by getting you back and do not think there will be any improvement.

What he should have said is, I'm going to address this now. But oddly enough it's still on you to fix.

How much do you really know about his mental health and interactions with doctors. I would suspect he will be suspiciously symptom free in the presence of one.

It is very important that you start calling the authorities about what has happened to you, keep the records of the calls, messages and FaceTime. What you are describing can be coercive control leading to abuse.

Original poster
CompletelyDoneIn · 27/12/2022 19:48

Moser85 some of your post was quite opening read. Like I was reading through text messages or remembering previous conversations

billy1965 my Dc are everything to me. I tried so hard to keep the family together, to
Support their father, to protect them but I've done what I can I know that. It doesn't make it easy but I've tried and now I know that for them this situation is right or healthy.

LexMitor he has more to lose then I do, I earn more but it will still be tight with the COL crisis but I will be more comfortable then he.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 27/12/2022 19:54

You dont have to talk to him
He said he suicidal reason enough to kerp dc safe and see him in public place supervised by your sister
Any kicking off call police
Let him text you so you have evidence

cestlavielife · 27/12/2022 19:58

Put your phone on sikent
Send one message ssying you staying at sister til new year
End of
The border betwern mh and abusive is blurry but the only way forward is to get it out in the open
Once you called police for welfarecheck based on. Suicidal text once it will be easier the next time ...and either you wilk see he fine or they will react as necessary
Just for your sake record his call or save text

cestlavielife · 27/12/2022 20:02

Exp did get some mh support eventually
Didnt need me
but remains a,manipulative xxxx

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 27/12/2022 20:02

He is absolutely manipulating and controlling you.

Please do the best thing for you and your children and LEAVE. They are growing up thinking this is normal. And it's really not and it's not healthy either. For them or for you.

If he threatens suicide, call 999 and ask for a police check.

Do not tell him your plans, just get everything lined up then GO.

Does he have any family? What do they think about his actions?

BreadInCaptivity · 27/12/2022 20:26

Next Steps OP:

  1. Tell your sister everything. If you are staying with her she needs to understand the full extent of the problem and especially that your DH should not be allowed into her home. If he's stood on the doorstep being a nuisance she needs to call the Police.
  1. Call Adult social services and tell them he is in crisis and a danger to himself and potentially you and your children.
  1. Get yourself a solicitor asap - one who has experience of coercive control and abuse. As well as starting divorce proceedings you should also tell them to file for a non molestation order to specify you being able to safely return to the family home whilst he moves out and cannot visit the property/communicate with you except for agreed means such as via your solicitor. If you do move back home, make sure you re-assess the security. New locks, check windows etc
  1. Keep all the texts etc he sends you. Don't reply to them apart from once when you get your solicitor and say all communication must take place via them and give him the details.
  1. Don't be afraid to tell friends and wider family what's has happened. You don't want to be in a position where he is briefing people against you. You don't have to tell everyone everything, but you need to say something along the lines of his behaviour has deteriorated to a point that you can no longer help him and he is a risk to both yourself and the children, whom you need to keep safe whilst he takes responsibility and gets professional support for his MH and behaviours. Until he does so, it is unsafe for the children to be alone with him.
BreadInCaptivity · 27/12/2022 20:29

cestlavielife · 27/12/2022 19:54

You dont have to talk to him
He said he suicidal reason enough to kerp dc safe and see him in public place supervised by your sister
Any kicking off call police
Let him text you so you have evidence

Do not agree for him to meet the children even if supervised.

The OP needs a non molestation order in place.

BreadInCaptivity · 27/12/2022 20:33

The border betwern mh and abusive is blurry but the only way forward is to get it out in the open

No it's not blurry at all.

Abuse is clear cut - the reason for it is irrelevant.

purplecheesecat · 27/12/2022 20:42

OP, please leave as soon as possible, this situation is really unsafe for you and your DC. Although you aren’t responsible for your DH’s mental health, I’d advise you to call his GP or even call the police re. threats of suicide, so that some higher authority is aware of his threats to kill himself/potential to harm others.

Littlepuddytat · 27/12/2022 22:09

You've done incredibly well to leave this abusive man. Stay strong, your children are relying on you.

billy1966 · 27/12/2022 22:30

CompletelyDoneIn · 27/12/2022 19:48

Moser85 some of your post was quite opening read. Like I was reading through text messages or remembering previous conversations

billy1965 my Dc are everything to me. I tried so hard to keep the family together, to
Support their father, to protect them but I've done what I can I know that. It doesn't make it easy but I've tried and now I know that for them this situation is right or healthy.

LexMitor he has more to lose then I do, I earn more but it will still be tight with the COL crisis but I will be more comfortable then he.

You have done everything you could to help....for too long IMO.

Your children are safe now.
You did the right thing.

Do not allow him near them.

Don't risk it.

Don't risk regretting your actions.

Keep them safe.

Register ALL your concerns with GP and authorities.

Protect yourself and them.

You have got this.

Well done for being so brave.

cestlavielife · 28/12/2022 19:36

BreadInCaptivity · 27/12/2022 20:29

Do not agree for him to meet the children even if supervised.

The OP needs a non molestation order in place.

Show quote history

Agreed, best woukd be to hold out until ex applies to court
But if op feels pressured or dc asking then at least she should put this in place , meet in a pubkic space with a third party there

HoneyIShrunkThePizza · 29/12/2022 07:49

It sounds to me as if you've done the right thing for your children, how incredibly brave.

I would stop engaging in conversation with him at this point. It won't do any good, he's just sucking you back in. It's sad he is unwell but unreasonable for your whole family to sink to try and keep him afloat.

Boiledbeetle · 29/12/2022 08:21

@CompletelyDoneIn morning OP, I've just been catching up with threads I've missed over the past week and wanted to say

ABSOLUTELY BLOODY WELL DONE YOU WONDERFUL BRAVE STRONG WOMAN

Boiled x

Moser85 · 29/12/2022 18:40

How are things OP?

Original poster
CompletelyDoneIn · 30/12/2022 10:55

Thank you for all the comments.

I'm still with my sister, I was ment to go home but I got the impression he wouldn't go like he said he would so I didn't take the chance.

My DC are getting fed up being out, they want to be at home with their presents and own bed. It's a very busy house and I think we're all getting fed up now.

He's pressuring to see the DC, I don't think I'll be able to hold off much longer but they have a birthday party today at a busy place so I might let him go and see them there. He won't argue or make a scene in a busy place and there's plenty of people around even though I don't think he would try and take the DC

OP posts:
Original poster
CompletelyDoneIn · 30/12/2022 10:56

The last few days I've been non stop busy just to keep my head busy. I'm so tired now.

OP posts:
ShrillBill · 30/12/2022 12:26

Have you spoken to women's aid or the police yet? You need some support.