I want to leave but worried about suicide

[CompletelyDoneIn]

Sorry for any trigger warnings. I've been on MN a long long time but have name changed for obvious reasons. I will be back to this thread but only when opportunity allows.

Basically I've been with DH a long long time, children, home, cats ect...

DH has always been slightly paranoid but over last few years this has significantly increased.

He has depression, anxiety, suicidal and paranoia. He's on medication but it hasn't been helped.

The paranioa is slowly destroying me. He doesn't like me going anywhere and when I do I have to text him constantly, answer FaceTimes to prove I'm where I say I am, if In going to the shops I have to text him when I get there, while I'm there then when I'm on the way home (for safety apparently). If I'm on my phone it's constant what you doing who are you texting why have you clicked off that.

I have never ever been unfaithful, never gave him reason to doubt me. Yet he is so convinced I'm going to do something, find someone else and leave him.

I get no free time what's so ever and I think this is more so he knows where I am. I always have a DC with me but he regularly does his own thing.

The day before every shift he barely talks to me is moody. But if I'm ever quite then there must be a reason.

I'm so so drained. I don't know how it's got to this point. I'm hurt because I'm an incredibly loyal person but I'm constantly doubted or have to prove I'm not hiding anything.

If I leave he will kill himself. He has told me and I truly believe he will, not even in a manipulative way but because he thinks without me he has nothing.

I don't know what to do to help him. I don't know how to make this situaion better.

We use to be so so happy before his depression really set in. Please can anyone help me. I'll be back to this thread but I'll be logging out as DH has been known to snoop through my phone.

Hi op

I am in a very similar situation to you and know that I have to leave.

I plan to have no absolutely no contact when I do but know I will have to let him have contact at some point. How do I prove that he shouldn't have unsupervised contact? Can contact be arranged through a third party?

I don't want to hi jack your post but thought the answers might put your mind at rest also.

OP, out of interest, what are the things he goes out and does by himself? It’s it nights out with friends etc?

I know you don’t believe he would hurt you or the children, and statistically, you’re probably right, but you really should consider, what if you’re wrong? That’s not a risk worth ignoring. You need to at least keep it in the back of your mind and be careful. Leaving is the most dangerous time for a woman, as he feels his control over you slipping, he may escalate. Just please, please be cautious. It’s much better to see him as a threat and be wrong, than dismiss any chance of him being a threat and be wrong.

When I stated this thread is was to ask for what more I can do for him, to help him. I want him to be well, I want to support him, I want him to be that crazy dad our DC adore.

I don't know what more I can do. I've changed everything. I don't go out because it makes him anxious, I deleted social media because he was paranoid I'd meet someone, I never go out alone because havjng a child with me makes it less likely I'll cheat on him.

I encourage him to get out every day, I booked therapy for him, I begged and cried multiple times for him to call the Gp for help, I remind him every morning for his medication, I've called him work many times because he says he can't be away from me that day and needs me close.

I ask him daily to go for a walk with us, to the park, to the shops (I get it delivered now so another less opportunity for me to cheat), to come to DC activities, to go out for dinner with me. To do anything, I try so so hard.

I don't have anything I enjoy. I use to, I use to have friends, I use to read, I use to cook. Now I don't do anything for me. If I paint my toes I get asked who am I do that for.

If I go out and refuse to message him then I'm the bad one because me sending a couple of texts cause me no harm what's so ever but gives him peace of mind so why wouldn't I do that?

I don't want my marriage to end. Far far from it but I don't want this life anymore. I want my old life

He cycles so can go out for hours or drives places to cycle there. I encourage him to do this and go out. He doesn't drink so doesn't do nights out

I'm sorry your going through similar, it's soul destroying isn't it.

Trying to spin so many plates everyday just to make it barebale and shield the children.

I don't know how these things are proven, just because someone has MH problems doesn't mean they'll get supervised contact, I wish I knew the answer

I'd be out of there with the kids like a fucking whippet OP. He's not well and he could be unpredictable, plan it carefully and secretly but urgently.

Go to women's aid and get some professional help. It sounds to me like you would be high risk once leaving was on the table. You need guidance in doing this safely as I suspect his paranoia will be a risk factor for violence towards you. The freedom program will give you the perspective you need as many of his behaviours stem from the need to control you which I'm not sure is totally down to depression.

Exactly what @BuckarooBanzai said.

Sounds like he's using his MH as an excuse for some really unpleasant, controlling, manipulative behaviour. You and the kids don't deserve that.

Sounds like you have bent over backwards to do everything you can to help him. You deserve a life too.

What a dangerous and irresponsible comment.

You have tried so hard to help him and make this work. Do you see yourself still trying in five/ten years? You can't subjugate yourself for the rest of your life. What happens when your kids are old enough to realise what's going on?

I'd definitely speak to Women's Aid, just to get some perspective.

You (and your kids) deserve so much more. It's OK if he chooses to mess his own life up by not seeking help, but he doesn't get to mess yours up too.

My ex threatened suicide for years, and funnily enough is still alive. Bluff, bluff and hot air, most likely

Why the hell haven't you called 999? Why haven't you handed him over to Emergency Services when he threatens suicide? Every. single. time. until he gets the help he needs. Are you a Mental Health specialist? You say I don't know what to do to help him but you won't actually get him any help. Why is that?

It is apparent to everyone that you are in an abusive relationship and despite the fact that you also know this perfectly well, you are still enabling it, OP. It isn't your fault, because Stockholm Syndrome is the direct result of abuse, but nevertheless you need to try to acknowledge your own part in this codependent relationship OP, because that is the only place where real change can come from.

You cannot change your DH, but you can give up your own addiction to being the Saviour Angel, to being oh so Good and Loyal and Faithful and Thoughtful. The worse he becomes, the more deranged he becomes, the more you NEED to feel good about yourself. So you become even MORE Considerate and Good and Loyal and you put all of your real self into a tightly closed little box because that is the only way you know how to make any sense of, or get any good feeling from this disaster of a relationship.

It is addictive, this feeling yourself as the Saviour and you won't want to give it up. Even though it is keeping your husband from any chance of getting proper professional help for his mental illness and even though it is certainly keeping you from discovering how to live your life as a whole person without constantly revolving around the gravity drama of someone else's damaged being, you will hang on to that feeling of yourself as a Good and Caring partner. That is what needs to be acknowledged and faced. If you can just see that, then you can wish to seek out the help that you need to change all this.

Agree with @Whycanineverever. At the end of the day you're currently sacrificing your life to appease and accommodate him. If he does do anything, that would be on him. As others have said when he makes these vague threats call 111/999 so that it hopefully gets services involved and also starts an audit trail which might help re custody and ensuring supervised visits in the event he is being serious.

He's saying everyday he has suicidal thoughts.

So everyday call 111 and report he is suicidal
If they say calll 999 then do so
Or call crisis team and hand over phone to him

Tell everyone around you
If they are concerned for him and want to help have them step in and spend time with him.

You have the dc
You just cannot do dc and dh , you need help
You cannot cure him

Ex p was the same. I planned his funeral. He didnt die. He did get at one point voluntarily admitted to psych ward where he miraculously calmed down .... and did also get a mh diagnosis , but controlling manipulative behaviour can go alongside .

You are responsible for your dc
And for your wellbeing
This is no way to live
He is responsible for his mh
He can get support if you leave him
You can let his gp know so they aware and it puts the onus on them to act.

Is anyone around for a hand hold? I've done it. I've left.

He's told me he won't be here tonight, I accused him of manipulating me and using it as a threat because he didn't want me to leave but of course he turned that into me twisting his words.

I'm on edge. I'm trying not to contact him just to make sure he's safe. If I do he knows he has that power, if I don't and he does something then I'm the heartless bit*h

I feel lost

You are not responsible for someone else’s actions.

That's easier to say then believe and feels

Where have you gone? Do you have some support? Switch your phone off and watch some mindless tv, concentrate on your children.

Handhold here gone nc with my ex now had to because of threats and again I had to tell him I won’t be going back. Hang in there you are not responsible for him it’s hard I know I was trying not to worry the night before Christmas Eve. You’ve done very well getting this far.

Hand hold.

I know it's so easy for us to say. But you are doing the right thing

Where are you? Have you told anyone the whole story? Anyone you can talk to and not be alone?

You're doing amazingly. I'm sorry you're going through this. But you have great strength to leave. Focus on your future

I've gone to my sisters. I've told him to use tonight to pack his things because I'm not making the DC homeless.

The DC are playing with my nieces, the eldest knows there's something wrong because this wasn't our Christmas plans and it's been very abrupt.

I'm terrified he'll do something but I'm so unhappy living this life.

I haven't told my sister the whole story but a lot.

Christmas has been awful. So negative. He was miserable and made the atmosphere horrible. The DC noticed. When my DSC came he tried to make an effort for their sake but it didn't last long.

Well done!! You can act the police to do a welfare check if you're worried but don't contact him yourself. Ask a family member of his to go tomorrow and help him move his things out.

Rejection, abandonment and end of significant relationships are actually high risk factors for suicide. So no, it isn't all manipulation. There are actual suicidal people who are co dependent or who are very sensitive to rejection and with already poor mental health, the end of a relationship leads to suicide.

The minimizing of men's mental and so many posters dismissing the possibility he could be suicidal and insisting it is all just abusive control, know very little about mental health and have bought into harmful gender stereotypes that lead more deaths. Divorced men are 9 times more likely to die from suicide than divorced women. And men with mental illness and depression also have much higher suicide risks.

The end of a marriage or relationship can be emotionally distressing, and emotional distress accompanied by loss and rejection can be a trigger for suicide - and yes, men experience emotional distress despite the many claims on this thread to the contrary.

OP - you need to talk to a professional. You are getting terrible advice on here. You need to talk to his team and your own supports and people who understand mental illness, suicide, as well as family support and can help you put a plan in place for moving forward - be that with better treatment for him or apart.

Well done, won't life be so much easier without him making you call him every hour you are out of the house.