I want to leave but worried about suicide

[CompletelyDoneIn]

Sorry for any trigger warnings. I've been on MN a long long time but have name changed for obvious reasons. I will be back to this thread but only when opportunity allows.

Basically I've been with DH a long long time, children, home, cats ect...

DH has always been slightly paranoid but over last few years this has significantly increased.

He has depression, anxiety, suicidal and paranoia. He's on medication but it hasn't been helped.

The paranioa is slowly destroying me. He doesn't like me going anywhere and when I do I have to text him constantly, answer FaceTimes to prove I'm where I say I am, if In going to the shops I have to text him when I get there, while I'm there then when I'm on the way home (for safety apparently). If I'm on my phone it's constant what you doing who are you texting why have you clicked off that.

I have never ever been unfaithful, never gave him reason to doubt me. Yet he is so convinced I'm going to do something, find someone else and leave him.

I get no free time what's so ever and I think this is more so he knows where I am. I always have a DC with me but he regularly does his own thing.

The day before every shift he barely talks to me is moody. But if I'm ever quite then there must be a reason.

I'm so so drained. I don't know how it's got to this point. I'm hurt because I'm an incredibly loyal person but I'm constantly doubted or have to prove I'm not hiding anything.

If I leave he will kill himself. He has told me and I truly believe he will, not even in a manipulative way but because he thinks without me he has nothing.

I don't know what to do to help him. I don't know how to make this situaion better.

We use to be so so happy before his depression really set in. Please can anyone help me. I'll be back to this thread but I'll be logging out as DH has been known to snoop through my phone.

His actions are ruining your life. Leave - if he does anything, which is highly unlikely, it will be all on him. He is making your life a misery by controlling you.

He is choosing not to do anything about his MH issues, maybe it is MH issues causing him to act like a controlling arse (checking your phone? Really?), but maybe he is just a controlling arse. Whichever it is, you can't fix him, and if he doesn't want to help himself, why should you and your children be dragged down with him?

Your children will be adversely impacted by this state of affairs, so get yourself and them away from this miserable existence - you sound, unsurprisingly, completely ground down. Call Women's Aid too - they'll have heard it all before and may be able to help you see clearly.

I left a month ago well five weeks now on Monday he threatened to kill himself I still left I had too I was worn down utterly depressed myself, today I sleep better everyone says I look much better and happy, yes I still have things to sort out but please make plans to leave. This won’t get better How are you feeling about Christmas dreading it because he’ll be grumpy again? You’ve only got one life hugs.

Wow very over whelmed with the amount of replies so thank you.

To help clarify a few things:

• he is accessing support, GP, medication and counselling. We contacted the crisis team and they were as useful as a sack of spuds.

• he is genuinely a broken man. I've never seen him like this. I walk into a room and he's crying because of the negativity in his head. He doesn't eat, doesn't sleep, has no joy for anything. It's heartbreaking to watch.

• I am worried about the impact this will have on DC which is why I think im at my limit. They have always and will always be my priority.

I don't believe he would ever hurt us but they are never left with him alone since he first sucidial thoughts started. I truly don't think he would hurt them but not a chance I would ever take.

If I said to him all these things I've wrote down, how he makes me feel then he would leave and I don't think I'd ever see him again. Truly. I know everyone is saying it's manipulation but he doesn't use it as a weapon, doesn't threaten me with it. He just is in such a bad place he says he can't take anymore and he feels done fighting.

I don't see how it's not my problem to help fix him. He's my husband, the father of my children. If he did do it then they would ask me why didn't I help him more, why didn't I support him. They could grow up blaming me and then I lose them

You may be brave or foolish, but do not think you can protect yourself or your children from a grown man.

There are plenty who think it is a mercy to attack their families as they cannot survive without the father figure. You would not know about that kind of deluded thinking until far too late.

If you want to leave, it is because you are afraid. Pay attention to that, because it is warning you to act.

Is he paranoid about everything OP? ie does he think people are out to get him, following him, or whatever - or does the paranoia only extend to you and what you are doing? If he's paranoid about a lot of things then it's not just him trying to control you, he is seriously ill and needs major help. If it's just you then it sounds like he is entirely dependent on you and to try and keep you he has resorted to controlling your every move, he is terrified and probably has extremely low self esteem on top of the anxiety, depression etc.

The problem is you can't fix him even if you wanted to and it's no way for ou to live at all - has he been diagnosed with anything? Could you afford to pay for him to see a Psychiatrist? That's the direction I think I'd go if you could afford it, then you can make sure the treatment is correct and not just treating individual symptoms which could be part of something bigger.

I'm with the people who are saying he is also a danger to you and you're DC, not just himself.

I don't think the people who are saying 'it's not your problem' are being unkind but how long do you continue trying to help if he continues to daily threaten you with suicide? You may think it's not manipulation or coercive control, but please believe that it is. If you don't want to listen to us, be kind to yourself and contact Women's Aid or a similar organisation who you can talk everything through with and listen to what they say. Your DH might be getting a lot of support but are you? Who have you got to talk to except strangers on MN (as lovely as you all are).

If feel you don't want to or can't leave, please visit the GP together and you give your perspective, rather than what DH is telling them. I think sectioning, for everybody's safety, might be in order here.

Op you say he has ALWAYS been slightly paranoid... and you say this has been going on for YEARS

No improvements?

I don't see how it's not my problem to help fix him.

This is impossible, you can't fix him and you aren't responsible for him. He is an adult. The following is about family annihilators, I know you think you can keep your family safe but the reality is very different.

The profile of this specific murderer is in most cases a middle-aged man, that is perceived as a hard-working and loving husband and father. Highly educated with an undergraduate or/and post graduate degree with a good job. He is usually the senior man of the house, that might be paranoid, depressed or intoxicated, or a combination of all of these. This individual might suffer of depression, psychological problems and self-destructiveness. The family murderer usually kills each member of the family, sometimes including the pets of the house. In most cases, he will commit suicide after the killings (Dietz, 1986).

I know I might sound hysterical and LTB is used far too regularly on here. But as someone who has been in a similar situation please keep you and your children safe.

You say he regularly'does his own thing' and you have no time for you

What does his 'own thing' consist of? Does he work? You mentioned shifts..

@CompletelyDoneIn it’s not up to yu to fix him because you can’t.
Youve done the supporting him with GP etc…. You’ve done the following his requests for info when you are out and about. I’m not sure there is ANYTHING you can do to make things better for him.

On the other side, you need to protect yourself and your dc. Your dc doesn’t have a choice. You are the only person who can protect/support him (because living with someone with unmanaged MH issues IS very hard in children).
And you need to protect yourself for yourself, for your dc and for your DH sake too.

Is it possible for you to receive some support - aka how are YOU supposed to handle his suicidal thoughts? When is it becoming a sign that you and dc are at risk? How can you deal with the whole situation?

OP I don’t 5ink you can fix him. It sounds like he has a wealth of support but nothing is changing anything. As a PP said, stopping the control of you may be what he needs.

You don’t say how old your children are but they are witnessing his behaviour and the impact on you. That could have serious repercussions for them.

Copy this thread and email it to yourself. Your children will see the situation you were in and the advice from women who have been there before. The overwhelming response here is to get out now.

So sorry you’re going through this 💐

I want to leave because I'm so tired. I'm tired of being constantly accused and questioned. I'm tired of there always being a negative atmosphere.

No I'm not getting any support, only a
Few people know how bad his MH has got and they are obviously concerned for his welfare not mine so I don't have anyone to talk to in RL.

He's off work sick and I work shifts which causes massive problems.

I’d tell him you’re leaving unless he agrees to marriage counselling and individual therapy to learn how to control his jealousy. Then you can hand on heart say you’ve tried. It does seem harsh, especially as you have children but you can’t stay with this man because he’s threatening suicide. If he wants to stay with you he has to change

Where are the children during your shifts?

This, with bells on, and coming from personal experience.

That's not paranoia, that's control. You are being abused by him.

You can’t fix him only he can do that.
Make plans to leave with your child.
Do you want to come home one day and see him dead, do you want your child to see that? If not then leave.
Start by telling him you will not be answering any calls when you go out and mean it. If he calls switch your phone off.
You and your child could be at danger here.
What will happen if he kills your? Think about your child.
Start making plans to have somewhere else to go.

Tell him to crack on them and leave

i don’t say that flippantly. I say that from a long life of experience

the impact of this situation on your children would
be horrendous.

I wouldn’t advise marriage counselling for someone who appears to be in a controlling relationship!

STXBH was controlling (not as bad as your situation) struggling with his MH. It dragged us both down. I begged him to get help, he wouldn’t stick with counselling. Meds made no difference. If anything he was worse, they caused insomnia. We were in separate beds. No matter what I tried, I couldn’t make it better.
In the end I ended it. He was very upset and commented that I seemed calm..maybe I was, but that was because I was just resigned. Over 6 months down the line, I’m good. Better relationship with DD. Got promoted, lost about 3 stone! Getting told I seem like a different person. He moved on quickly (within a few weeks). He’s still miserable 🤷🏻‍♀️

I would get your ducks in a row. Get organised. Plan your escape route (even if you don’t use it - I booked an initial consultation with a solicitor a month before we split). Get some individual counselling. I imagine in all of this your feelings are not validated because it’s all about him? Honestly, you can’t “save” him but he will drag you down if you don’t escape.

Just leave. If in the very unlikely event that he does commit suicide then you're free from this rubbish existence. I have zero time for these types of scenarios having been there myself.

what he is doing is abuse. This is controlling behaviour.

please speak to Women’s aid and get an exit plan organised.

Leave. You owe it to your children. They should be more of a priority to you than he is. He is not your responsibility. You want to help of course, you want him to be the man you remember. He may never be that man again and your children are growing up around this new man- suspicious, paranoid, making everyone walk on eggshells. That is not a happy childhood

Run for the hills...

There's a difference between being concerned that your partner (of either sex) might suicide, and them threatening it.

In either case, it is not your responsibility. In the first, it is an consequence for which you are not responsible, very tragic, but not your fault. Not a typical or healthy response to being jilted (as we have all been).

In the latter, it is a threat, an emotional lever or manipulation that people use when they can't exercise their usual control methods...

I am a bloke. This is not a gender or sexuality thing. It is abusive/coercive. This is not a normal thing to do. This is the advice I would give to anyone.

This is coercive control.

People who constantly accuse their partners of cheating have usually cheated themselves. I worked with a woman this happened to.

I don't see how it's not my problem to help fix him. He's my husband, the father of my children. If he did do it then they would ask me why didn't I help him more, why didn't I support him. They could grow up blaming me and then I lose them

Not exactly the same situation, but I felt I had to help my ex h because of exactly this. I wanted to look them in the eye and know I had done everything possible. One day I just realised that enough would never be enough, and he would drag me down with him. I stopped feeling responsible/ making excuses/ deprioritising myself.