He wants a couple of nights retreat and I don't know what to say

[walkinthewoodstoday]

My DH has just sent me a message saying he would like a few nights of silent retreat (and written dates). We have a 9 month old and a 7 year old. I am not yet back at work but will be soon. I don't know if I am lazy or struggling with mental health but some days I just find things really hard. When I stopped breastfeeding and my period came back I was so anxious and stressed I started to get dizzy. I am constantly worrying about whether the boiler will break or the roof will leak etc. I function in the sense I feed my 9 month old, play with him and put him down for rests. With the older one I feed and do my best. I often don't bother to feed myself. I have to force myself up and out with both of them to do the school run at 8am and then I just survive. Some days are OK though. I think I'm just mentally burnt out from being 'on' the whole time. Him asking to have a couple of days away just makes me feel sad. I can't control him but by asking me it puts me in an awkward situation. Please help me with how to respond.

I'll tell you what to say "pull your finger out your arse and help me you knob" shape up or ship out princess!

What would he do if you replied with

’that’s fine, and I will have my couple of days of ‘silent retreat’ will be X date?’

Why does he want a couple of days away? Silent retreat sounds like it means you can’t contact him. What’s going on that he feels he needs this?

Gosh, I would love a silent retreat. It sounds like you need a break too. Could you facilitate that for him with something of equal value/effort planned for you in return? If he's supportive of that, I would try to support his request. (If he says, what do you need a break for? then that's a different matter.)

Why dont you ask for what you need too? He has a weekend, you have a weekend

Message back "LOL no". And then have an actual conversation with him as soon as you can.

’that’s fine, and I will have my couple of days of ‘silent retreat’ will be X date?’

this👆

Is he asking to have this time before you return to work? I'm guessing this is time away from the home and he's going to book himself into a hotel or whatever?

I think I'd be tempted to say "Wow, that sounds amazing. Let's take turns. Do you mind if I go first, I am really worn out. How about next Friday?"

I'd say yes that's fine but respond with my own retreat dates.

I think thats a good idea if you can afford it. You'll benefit from some time away too by the sound of things.

What everyone else said. It's actually a lovely idea isn't it - but only as long as you both get to do a few days time out on your own.

He sounds a right knob. Who says that to a partner who is struggling with the children?

I do think you might be suffering from PND, though - but that's a separate issue to the retreat. Does your partner do much of the housework and childcare when he's home?

Totally agree.

Absolutely this

Well, it sounds like you need a retreat even more than he does. DH made a few noises like this in the beginning and I sort of understood but like you, the thought of caring for two small children completely alone for more than 1 day was absolutely overwhelming for me. I clearly was also suffering from PND.

So my advice is that you tell him that your mental health is also suffering and if he thinks this is a good idea, then it needs to be completely fair. You suggest two nights away for him and two nights away for you. And that after those nights away, perhaps you both sit down and talk about how you can work together to make you all feel better.

Cheeky bastard. You don't fuck off to yoga camp when you have a baby at home and an ehxausted wife.

Tell him to light some candles and run a bath if he needs relaxing so badly

Ha! Wouldn’t that be nice?

Silent retreat- as in religious and yes phone will probably be switched off.
We are meant to be visiting his mother (who has only ever been unkind to me) for a few days after. Would it be awful to say that he can do the retreat but then he takes the kids to his mothers alone and I stay here?

I would say that’s fine, as long as you get one too. Both of you need down time I am sure. Not acceptable at all if it’s just him who gets to have alone time!

I think under the circumstances your retreat is more of a priority. I think he can have his retreat when you are on even keel.

Get to your GP, you sound completely depleted and if not already suffering and anxiety/depression condition, you are well on the way. The not eating is very concerning and it may be that medication would help calm your body and mind enough to look after yourself.

But look after yourself you absolutely must.

Seems to me a few days of holiday for you - somewhere nice, with someone else doing everything for you, would be a far more well-considered use of family resources.

I think it's important for him to take care of himself. But it's also important for you. I would talk to him about how you're feeling (probably should've before as now it looks a bit emotional blackmaily but anyway better late than never...). I would tell him exactly what you've said here and that you're worried about yourself and that you're happy for him to go but you need to get a break away yourself before you go back to work. Make sure you book yours as soon as you both agree that's fair otherwise it will go on the back burner. It will give you something to look forward to and it doesn't need to be silent, you could go with some friends and have a fun/ chilled time in a city abroad it whatever you'd enjoy! I would also book a trip to the GP to get you over this hump. You could take some medication or discuss with GP how to feel better. Work could improve things or make life feel harder so better to start sorting it now. But priority is your little holiday!! Enjoy searching, there's lots on Wowcher and Groupon, be it a spa or city break. If he's not happy for you to have a break, then the issues are entirely different.

I think that is a good idea, but I know I will miss and worry about the children and also we don't have lots of spare money for me to spend staying elsewhere (and I don't want to go on a religious silent retreat!)

Excellent idea, go for it!

Thank you everyone. I just feel crap that I can't cope. I am run down and at the moment the baby and I are getting over a stomach bug so that's not helping. I will suggest he takes the kids to his mums whilst I recuperate at home.

I think your husband has the right idea. Communicate your needs and don’t feel ashamed. Silent retreat obviously works for him - you need to identify what works for you and arrange for it to happen. Nobody gets a prize for “coping”, you are both perfectly entitled to whatever helps you be your best.