He wants a couple of nights retreat and I don't know what to say

[walkinthewoodstoday]

My DH has just sent me a message saying he would like a few nights of silent retreat (and written dates). We have a 9 month old and a 7 year old. I am not yet back at work but will be soon. I don't know if I am lazy or struggling with mental health but some days I just find things really hard. When I stopped breastfeeding and my period came back I was so anxious and stressed I started to get dizzy. I am constantly worrying about whether the boiler will break or the roof will leak etc. I function in the sense I feed my 9 month old, play with him and put him down for rests. With the older one I feed and do my best. I often don't bother to feed myself. I have to force myself up and out with both of them to do the school run at 8am and then I just survive. Some days are OK though. I think I'm just mentally burnt out from being 'on' the whole time. Him asking to have a couple of days away just makes me feel sad. I can't control him but by asking me it puts me in an awkward situation. Please help me with how to respond.

No- he is white british.
Today has been bad. I feel really sick and breathing feels an effort (panic attack).
I'm meant to be taking eldest to school then getting the baby to his first nursery trial session. It's minus 4
The car won't start so I walk eldest to school (she's cold and a bit upset but at school on time). Baby very sad because he is cold. Phone nursery to explain and say will try to take the bus but it just isn't happening. Hero of the day says he will drive back... ends up at the nursery as clearly didn't want them to know what he's like and then is texting me asking me where I am.
He spends the whole time fawning over the baby. It's pretty sickening to be honest. Baby is now down for a nap so I can have a little rest.

So he’s suddenly dad of the year now that someone else is watching? 🙄

Not sure if it’s been recommended upthread, but the Lundy Bancroft book ‘why does he do that’ should show you that he’s not special, he’s just a common or garden abusive twat.

there are plenty of links to it on here, and this is a good summary of the main ‘types’ so you can get an idea:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

Also this morning’s panic attack can be seen as your body’s response to the calm of his absence. Think of it like fight-or-flight - as soon as he’s gone, you start to relax a bit and then you can process just how awful he is.

hopefully the days when he’s at his mum’s will give you some more breathing space (literally)

Please get out 💐

I feel really weak now. I managed to cook a meal but I can't eat it. Nausea perhaps stress and anxiety related. I just need a long sleep

Eat when you feel you can, even a slice of toast or a cup of hot chocolate or warm apple juice will help with the jittery nervous feeling.

Rest and sleep as much as you need. Listen to your body and do what it says! You’ve been fighting this for so long, your body is now taking over and ‘powering off’ to help you recharge.

Make the most of his absence to sleep, rest, regain some strength and get the hell out

I need to power off but hard with baby. He doesn't want to nap right now and he is usually very good

If you can't eat OP at least drink some milk. Even just a little. Getting weaker won't help. And just take it easy, babies can get by with very little attention sometimes, it won't hurt. You don't have to be full on mama all the time, as long as baby is fed and dry and got some kind of distraction.

My eldest is amazing. She really is

He's working up to leaving the eldest with you whilst he takes the baby to show off at his mums. This is so you dont truly get any time alone. You might need to start prepping your dd that she's going with just dad as you're not free, make it quite clear that there's not an option of staying home with you.

I'm sorry he seems so uncaring of your wants and needs, it's all about him really isn't it

Eldest hasn't noticed that he wasn't there. I said factually that Daddy told me an hour before he left that he was going on holiday (because it's easier to explain than retreat) and he immediate reply was but what about you? You need a holiday! I explained that I needed to rest next week and would she be OK going with daddy and baby whilst I rested and although she initially said she wouldn't go without me, she understood and said she would as long as I FaceTime her everyday!

Bless her heart. What a sweetie.

The reason he is saying your daughter won’t go is because he can’t cope.
It seems like you’d be better single - don’t let him bully you.
Are you sure he’s gone to the retreat?
Focus on your own recovery now.

although she initially said she wouldn't go without me, she understood and said she would as long as I FaceTime her everyday!

Awwwww

@walkinthewoodstoday Been thinking of you this week, how're you getting on?

Thanks @PorkPieForStarters
So, can't remember how much I've said, but this week my car wouldn't start and the boiler continued to break. Just what I needed! Got through the days when he was away but was really low. Combination of already feeling unable to cope coupled with him thinking it was OK to just bigger off leaving me feeling so unsupported. After many a tearful phone call and nearly crying to my neighbours, I've managed to get an appointment to get my boiler fixed (I hope) which means I can't go with him to his mums as I need to be here. So I will have a day or two alone and then get my train to my mum. There really are some kind people out there- my neighbours came and showed me how to use their car battery charger and charged by car and have let me borrow it. Husband hasn't asked anything about me or had a conversation. I'm still in shock that he just buggered off to be honest. I can't look at him the same way at all.

I had a teary phone call with the health visitor who is going to see me in Janaruy. She asked about the birth and if it has been traumatic. No, the birth wasn't but afterwards I think I felt so low and unsupported from word go. My baby had some health issues which meant he couldn't settled and screamed and he couldn't breast feed. The rules were partners after 2pm but the midwives said due to the situation that my partner could come in early from 10am. Not once did he come in early and in fact he often came later. My mum was here for the birth to do childcare and I bitterly regret not having her as my birth partner. Even from outside the hospital she was phoning and advocating for me as things were not good. So, thinking about how he has never really cared and particularly at a time when I was so vulnerable after an emergency c section.

So far your mum, your child, the neighbours and the HCPs show more care and love for you than your H.

Absolutely agree!

He's one of those men who don't live with their families, they 'hover round the edges' of them. Physically their body may be in the house, but mentally they never truly 'engage' with family life and especially family responsibilities. This is why they feel they can just bugger off whenever they please. They're never truly 'there' so why should their presence be missed?

OP will never get the emotional or practical support she is entitled to expect from a husband/partner. If I were her, I'd be looking to find my way out.

I'm on hold to the GP and he comes hovering in with the baby. I will be showering and he's hovering around. Please please look after the baby without bothering me! Apparently he told the eldest that grandma would be disappointed I'm not going and that she would prefer to see me. That's complete rubbish. She sends me nothing but aggressive and unkind emails. My sister in law is non contact with her. For my sanity I need to stay away.

For gods sake leave this man.

If your daughter really doesn't want to go I wouldn't make her tbh

"....he told the eldest that grandma would be disappointed I'm not going and that she would prefer to see me."

He doesn't really give a shit if you go, he just wants you there to 'manage' things for him during the visit so he can sit on his arse.

Do you not see how he's using your child to manipulate you? This is abusive behaviour, both to you and your DD.Please, please get out.

Tell him to fuck right off with his passive aggressive, inappropriate involvement of your children to try to bully you into going to his mother's. She treats you like crap. He's treating you like crap. And you've had enough.

She's OK about it and she knows she will see me after a few days. I've also promised I will clean and tidy her room for her when she is away- believe me this is a big job!!!

Oh and my GP was so so lovely! I've got a blood test booked next week and a face to face in January.

Reading your updates @walkinthewoodstoday

You do not need this man in your life. He bringing you down, gaslighting you and making you feel like sh!t.

This is exactly correct. I am so much in agreement with this assessment, I am cheering! My 'd'h is physically here, but he acts like a student passing through, occasionally going in the fridge when he's hungry, and going off to do whatever whenever with no thought for the rest of us. And no, we don't miss him at all when he's not here. Time for you @walkinthewoodstoday and me to be free from this, it's ridiculous.