He wants a couple of nights retreat and I don't know what to say

[walkinthewoodstoday]

My DH has just sent me a message saying he would like a few nights of silent retreat (and written dates). We have a 9 month old and a 7 year old. I am not yet back at work but will be soon. I don't know if I am lazy or struggling with mental health but some days I just find things really hard. When I stopped breastfeeding and my period came back I was so anxious and stressed I started to get dizzy. I am constantly worrying about whether the boiler will break or the roof will leak etc. I function in the sense I feed my 9 month old, play with him and put him down for rests. With the older one I feed and do my best. I often don't bother to feed myself. I have to force myself up and out with both of them to do the school run at 8am and then I just survive. Some days are OK though. I think I'm just mentally burnt out from being 'on' the whole time. Him asking to have a couple of days away just makes me feel sad. I can't control him but by asking me it puts me in an awkward situation. Please help me with how to respond.

Another suggestion to get your iron checked. Please don't ignore this, the tell-tale signs are there!

I'd say fine, but I'm having a weekend away first. Then he knows exactly what he's asking of you.

Definitely tell him he’s taking the kids to his mums alone, you sound like you could do with a couple of days to remember that you’re human too

What do you get from this relationship?

When little one goes to nursery who will pay for this?

Op can I ask why he wants to go? Is it the norm for him or is he also struggling?

'Great idea! Me first!'

It sounds as though you have PND . Please see your GP before you burn out completely. I think your DH is being totally thoughtless and unreasonable - you need help and support not him disappearing on you. Tell him that unless he brings in support for you then no he can't have is silent retreat. You need to take care of you. Sending hugs 🤗

Nope, don’t let him off that easily. Tell him that’s fine and book onto a retreat of your own. Doesn’t have to be a church retreat. But LEAVE HIM TO DEAL WITH KIDS ON HIS OWN.

if he goes to his mum on his own she’ll do half of parenting at min, and you’ll be stuck on a house where jobs are staring at you, you have to cook for yourself. Bugger that
ve been on silent retreats. Very powerful if you’re into that for distressing. You literally do nothing g but pray, contemplate - no cooking, no chores, no dealing with actual real life shit. You staying at home won’t get anywhere near that. You need to go away for the 2-3days his is, before you go back to work.
just look for something and book today- no debate.

The issue of whether you have to go with him to MIL is entirely separate- unless she stops being unkind and he supports you to tell his mum is unacceptable, you simply don’t go. That’s not the same as him going on a retreat to escape his responsisiblties for a few days (which is fine in principe as long as it’s clear it’s a reciprocal arrangement )

You’re the priority here. You get absolutely no respite whereas he gets it when he’s at work. I can’t believe he’s being so selfish!

My husband and I give each other nights/weekends off (more often just one night) here and there. It's not one for one but it feels roughly equal. E.g. he might go off to a wedding weekend, and then a couple of months later I might go to visit a friend or go to a hen weekend. My DH is going away in two weeks for a night for his work Christmas do.

Being the one left at home with the kids is TOUGH but you both deserve a break. It keeps you sane. I definitely think you should agree, but also start planning your own break (and make it clear that's on the agenda when you agree) 😊

Very surprised at this response. I wonder if the poster works and how their job is. Some jobs are very stressful and full on and can hardly be classed as respite.

Don't we all.....

Unless it's quid pro pro then it'd be a no from me. And the timing of said thing should be mutually decided.
Husband has had one weekend home alone while I took DS to visit friends and their kids, and just had a weekend away with his friends for a 40th, this year. It is acknowledged that I probably have at least one weekend of my choosing away or with them at MIL's. Still have a spa weekend promised from my 40th to work out too.

This question just illustrates why women gets walked all over in relationships.

Too fucking nice.

Too fucking unassertive.

Too fucking submissive.

I don't know if I am lazy or struggling with mental health but some days I just find things really hard.

I'm sure you're NOT lazy and I'm sure you are finding things hard for a number of reasons:

• small children
• recovering from pregnancy
• financial control/tightness from your partner
• difficult in-laws
• a husband who doesn't try to understand how hard you're working and thinks HE is the one who needs a break without any offer of what you get in return
• possible depression/anxiety

My GP's website has a thing where you can email them/fill in a form asking for a phone appointment, and the GP will call you back. I suggest you do that today and get the chance to talk all this over as you sound so low and sad, you need to look after yourself as well as everyone else.

This too.

Though I have heard several women say they could have murdered someone when they stopped breast feeding.

I think it contributed to terrible mood for me too.

Oh and your h sounds up his own arsehole.

I want to tell you to be assertive in standing up for what you need (financial freedom, respect, an equal partnership, no bloody retreats while you're worked to a shred) but I honestly think you might not be able to do this with how crap you are feeling - it probably makes you feel you can't say no to even the most obvious things.

Your level of anxiety and worry are not normal - I recommend you see a doctor. You may have PND.

Does your h know how you're feeling? If so, it's either very insensitive of him to want to go away by himself, or he's burned out by supporting you. How much help is he?

Seriously what does this man's religion say about the responsibilities of fathers and the sharing aspect of marriage and raising a family?

He actually texted you to inform you of his plans and quibbles over every minor bit of expenditure.

I would say "you do the MiL pre Christmas trip, then you can have your jolly in January when the chaos is over". You need a break, the kids will do fine with their father for a couple of days - don't be guilt tripped or guilt trip yourself out of a break. He does not need a break in one of the busiest weeks of the year.

Do you have access to all money in the family including savings, investments and pension plans? If not you should do and then agree a budget between you, its not for him to dictate when you can buy a lightbulb.

The fact that he feels entitled to behave like this suggests you are also treated as teh default parent. He won't change unless you demand it.

I'm sorry this has been such a difficult time for you. I'm knackered just reading your post! Take care.

You absolutely deserve as much of a break as him, not he gets 3 days and you've "earned" 1. In fact, if you happen to get a bit more that's fine too, you're probably already owed it. My DH complained the other day because he'd been up in the night with an ill child (twice in a night! My kids are older so this is an exceptional circumstance.) I pointed out that I did around 365 night wakings with our exclusively breastfed children, while he stayed in bed, and if he gets up for every night waking from now until they're 18, he'll probably still owe me. He shut up then.

It sounds like you need a break , tell him he can go but you will have your break when he takes the kids to his mums

The money thing is really bad, OP. And even before that I was getting 'centre of his own universe and sees you as being an adjunct to his life' vibes about your dh.

What's your division of household labour like?

If this were mine, I would be saying sorry, those dates don't work. (Mine wouldn't come up with the idea in the first place, tbf). And I wouldn't be going to MIL unless she packed in her attitude. Nobody should have to be going into a place where they're treated badly.

@walkinthewoodstoday is it a Buddhist retreat? Not Triratna by any chance?

If he's religious, 'with all my worldly goods I thee endow' (or 'all that I have I share with you', in the modern version) is a standard he should be holding himself to and he's not meeting.