He wants a couple of nights retreat and I don't know what to say

[walkinthewoodstoday]

My DH has just sent me a message saying he would like a few nights of silent retreat (and written dates). We have a 9 month old and a 7 year old. I am not yet back at work but will be soon. I don't know if I am lazy or struggling with mental health but some days I just find things really hard. When I stopped breastfeeding and my period came back I was so anxious and stressed I started to get dizzy. I am constantly worrying about whether the boiler will break or the roof will leak etc. I function in the sense I feed my 9 month old, play with him and put him down for rests. With the older one I feed and do my best. I often don't bother to feed myself. I have to force myself up and out with both of them to do the school run at 8am and then I just survive. Some days are OK though. I think I'm just mentally burnt out from being 'on' the whole time. Him asking to have a couple of days away just makes me feel sad. I can't control him but by asking me it puts me in an awkward situation. Please help me with how to respond.

@walkinthewoodstoday you should not have to explain every purchase. You are on maternity leave, your husband is working and you are supposed to be a team. Sighing at your every purchase is awful behaviour from your husband. He's coming across as quite controlling here.

His mother and her house sound absolutely awful. Why would you want to go there? Surely your older child doesn't want to go, either?

It does sound as though you are struggling and he is very selfish. The idea of going on a religious retreat while your wife and children struggle at home is absolutely crazy.

Tell him he can go for a walk on his own once everything is ready for the night - that's both children in bed, dishes done and clothes ready for the next day. He can do that every night if he wants, but a trip away on his own leaving you to struggle is out of the question.

I think he could wait until you are feeling better. Otherwise perhaps you could stay with someone, parents if you have them, while he is away for a couple of nights, or have somebody to stay with you..

I do silent retreats they are brilliant. Yoga , meditation etc
You are overthinking. It's a weekend.

But you book in for a weekend activity of your choice too sounds like you both could benefit

If my DH asked this during maternity leave whilst I was struggling I would say no. I see that as advocating for my needs. I don't want a tit for tat weekend away. I want help at the end of the day with bedtime, I want someone to sort breakfast and a wash load in the morning whilst I'm feeding the baby, I want someone to cook dinner whilst I'm running around the hoover. The baby years are not really about indulging your wellbeing needs, they are often about surviving, pulling together, helping each other out, being a little bit selfless. It can be hard and relentless. It seems you are shouldering most/all of that. My husband wouldn't leave me on my own with that, so why is yours doing this to you? If you don't want a weekend away, say it's not a good time, explain why and what you think you need. I get the impression that he doesn't care or is trying to ignore the fact that you need help. Husband's who can't put themselves to one side during the baby and toddler years are beyond depressing...

Is this perhaps what you really wanted to talk about? That you have become a second class citizen within your marriage?

You’re not “earning”? Is this what he says to you? While you’re caring for a tiny baby (his child, presumably?) in addition to a small child. Was having a baby not a joint decision?

I am inevitably furious on your behalf.

I think thats the perfect response. To be honest, If my partners mother was unkind to me, i'd never visit her, regardless of whether my partner went on retreat or not.

You can try and explain that this is what you need. If he truely cares about you he will take this on board. I've gotten better at communicating what I need (once I figure it out myself). There's no point hoping him to realise what you need without actually spelling it out. Or perhaps being in your shoes for a bit. Good luck.

I think I know the type of retreat you mean and it can feel a bit cultish but the retreat itself is really beside the point. If I were you I would reply to him 'let's talk about it' and then really talk about it , say what you think and feel. You are absolutely entitled to not want him to go away and leave you alone in the last week of the school term with a baby and a primary school child, especially if you don't drive and are having to dress your 7 yr old up as a tree one day and attend xmas carols the next all while thinking about what everyone wants for xmas. But he is not wrong to take a few days for himself another time is he?

I think ignoring the text message is going to make the conversation harder.

Can you reply “That’s a bad week for it as it’s the last week of term and I’m already exhausted from being ill etc. What about when they start back at school in January, or when they’re older?” But I guess he’ll say there isn’t a retreat on then.

It’s tricky. Looking after a 9 month old and 7 yr old is exhausting I know.

win win situation then

FFS, say yes (realistically he sounds like he will do it anyway, so at least by saying yes now he can’t blame you for anything) and say (don’t ask!) that you will recharge by staying home when he visit his mum as you are conscious of the cost of booking somewhere. And that you’ll expect him to take you out or cook for you soon to make up for the fact that his retreat will cost whereas yours will be free.
Personally I would do it in writing so you can clearly make your point, in person he might interrupt etc and it won’t be as easy to make it obvious that your proposal is more than fair.

Quite frankly given your financial arrangements your marriage sounds abusive.

Take control and push back on everything or leave.

Two clear choices in my book.

Good idea.

Imo absolutely fine even if he didn't go to his retreat first.

He takes his kids to see his mum -you go or not as you please.

Don't feel that you have to go & see anyone who is unkind to you.

Is she likely to be unkind to the kids or bitch about you without you there?

He sighs at you for buying a LIGHTBULB?! You’re not earning because you’re caring for a baby; this childcare is what enables him to earn. More and more he’s sounding like a prize dick. I’d be buying him a large dose of “stop being a dick” on the credit card.

And definitely don’t go to your hoarder MIL’s! If you’re already low and anxious, it doesn’t sound like the place to be.

Not the subject of the post but have you had your iron checked recently? If you are having your period again and are not eating then you might very well be low and this won't be helping with your energy levels, it might be the reason for the dizziness too. Hope you feel better soon!

"Dear DH (DickHead),

Thank you for your message. I apologise, as I have no recollection of our previous discussion about this. Perhaps when you return home, we can have a conversation like adults with responsibilities (the two small people who also love with us, for example) and how this may impact them. I appreciate family life is stressful; I am sure you have noticed but are just too kind to mention how much I too am struggling with anxiety and burn out. I have booked myself a GP appointment to discuss this and will be happy, as part of our conversation about your needs, to also be open and honest about mine.

P.s. that includes not going to see your witch of a mother if you don't put a stop to her being a see you next Tuesday to me."

Would be my response tbh... He sounds utterly self-absorbed and tedious.

You say you will suggest he takes the kids to his mothers . If he goes ahead on his silent retreat with no phone contact, I’d not be suggesting shit. I would be telling him he’s taking them, end of. And you arrange something for yourself that you enjoy. Netflix and takeout in an empty house. A trip to the cinema, a meal out with friends, whatever makes you happy. He really sounds like a self absorbed arsehole.

OP you sound so worn down & sad in your posts. I’m really sorry you are feeling like this. It does sound as though pnd might be a possibility (I had it myself) but aside from that it’s your husband & his disregard for you that I would worry about. Is there a pattern of him not considering your feelings? It’s also worrying that he is being so controlling about money.

I'd say: Brilliant idea. So do I! I am absolutely burnt out after the birth and breastfeeding. My retreat dates are (give a date earlier than his) If you can look after the kids for those dates I am happy to do the same for your dates Let's discuss it when you get home.

Look up retreat dates for yourself. There's no shame in needing a break and taking one. But he is selfish not to discuss this as an idea you'd both benefit from.

Op, I suspect if you try and suggest he goes to his mothers on his own, he will turn it around to blame you. You will be confused in the moment. He will end up going on the retreat, you will end up going to his mothers, and STILL then, you'll still be the bad guy.
You will need help at that point, as you seem so downtrodden that you have lost sense of what's right and what's not.
So...please come back and update us.
We will support you.

Your husband is a selfish arsehole.

Is there something you would really like op? For the dc, the house or you? Before talking to him about his retreat, buy it on the credit card. Please. It’s family money. Really you need a bank account with money in ityou can access.
so your three priorities are: seeing the gp, using the credit card and NOT apologising or explaining in detail. ‘Clothes for our children, unless you want to take over buying those? I have a huge list, but it’s only about 5 different shops.’ ‘Food out, your family need to eat too.’ That level of explanation.

standing up for your needs. This includes NOT going to his mums, him going with the dc would be perfectly normal and the only reason he looked aghast is because he is a selfish man who doesn’t really think his children are his responsibility.

What does your religion say on divorce?

is he a hands on partner and dad when he is at home?