He wants a couple of nights retreat and I don't know what to say

[walkinthewoodstoday]

My DH has just sent me a message saying he would like a few nights of silent retreat (and written dates). We have a 9 month old and a 7 year old. I am not yet back at work but will be soon. I don't know if I am lazy or struggling with mental health but some days I just find things really hard. When I stopped breastfeeding and my period came back I was so anxious and stressed I started to get dizzy. I am constantly worrying about whether the boiler will break or the roof will leak etc. I function in the sense I feed my 9 month old, play with him and put him down for rests. With the older one I feed and do my best. I often don't bother to feed myself. I have to force myself up and out with both of them to do the school run at 8am and then I just survive. Some days are OK though. I think I'm just mentally burnt out from being 'on' the whole time. Him asking to have a couple of days away just makes me feel sad. I can't control him but by asking me it puts me in an awkward situation. Please help me with how to respond.

Yes that's what these men rely on.

Your's doesn't have to be religious does it? Just a weekend at a nice hotel with the phone off.

So he gets his mum to help him - who helps you?

Perfect idea. Why would it be an awful idea? It can only possibly be an awful idea if one or both of you think his wants rank higher than yours.

@arethereanyleftatall awful because when I suggested he went to his mum with the kids previously without me because I don't feel comfortable around her, he looked aghast as if I was totally out of order. I would happily take the kids to my mum alone (although it involved a 6hr train jounrey across London!).

Why are you out of order to have feelings and wants? There's more at play here I'm afraid op.

“Absolutely fine.
booked myself into x hotel/ spa for my break the week after .
what an excellent plan dea hubby “

It’s good that he’s looking after his MH. See it as a nudge to do the same for you. Can you have a friend or family member to stay while he’s away and book yourself in for one too?

If you don’t have a lot of spare money then it’s even more unfair that he gets to spend it in himself and you get nothing.

You are of equal importance in the relationship. Your needs matter too.

(Oh and the horror he felt at having to take his own children to his mum’s on his own. He gets how hard it is. He’s just pretending not to understand).

Say fine then take your children to your mums for a while, dont bother going to his mums, he can go there alone. Go while he is away, spend quality time with mum, look at the Christmas lights, dont be there when he gets back.

Only if you get one too! Selfish arse that he is..

How much does his silent retreat cost, given that you don't have a lot of spare money?

This is a great idea but you don't have to say it's because you don't like his DM. It's instead of your retreat and for your mental health.

My ex wanted to go skiing when our eldest was 8 months old, but i had to say no as i was really struggling, doctor confirmed i had PND and i got therapy to help. Catastrophising his absence sounds like it to - is the boiler likely to break down or the roof likely to leak now, as you should get that checked for your own piece of mind. And would you partner fix these things? Do you have a family member you can stay with while he is away?

If you can get yourself a break too then make sure you get that booked in, but understand when they are little you may fear leaving them

Nope that is sensible. Are you sure you want to be there though? What about a hotel with a pool, spa etc so you can also have a retreat?

So he gets a silent retreat but you can’t afford a break too?
You can parent both kids alone while he’s on retreat but he can’t parent both kids with his mother’s help?
And you’re questioning whether you deserve anything?

Gosh. He’s done a number on you, hasn’t he? Of course he can do the silent retreat but you get your time too. If it can’t be afforded for both, it can’t be afforded at all. But not a cat’s chance in hell would I visit my MIL right after DP had been away – misery would abound.

What religion is it? And is he always devoutly practicing?

I totally agree with pp that there is more at play here. My DH goes on a religious retreat several times a year but he certainly didn't when either of ours were babies and even while they were pre-schoolers he would make sure that while he was away I was able to get support e.g. he wouldn't go away in school holidays when all the toddler groups etc weren't on and once when one of them had a bad cold and was up all night he cancelled at the last minute. Now the children are older if he is going away he arranges all the additional childcare to cover his absence, either his parents, playdates or clubs.

I am concerned that your DH doesn't seem to be prioritising your feelings, needs and health. Have you had a proper discussion about this with him? It isn't enough to say he gets to go away, therefore you can stay at home (although I agree that this is a good idea) - his silent retreat is a way of you supporting his emotional and spiritual health, what is he doing to support yours? Does he really understand how badly you are feeling right now - is he making any effort to understand? I find it strange that you say you are in an awkward situation. Are you not in a relationship where you are able to be completely honest?

I've looked again and the dates he's suggested are weekdays in the last week of the school term. Exhausted child and all the Xmas stuff plus the usual pick up and drop off and shopping. Maybe I'm crap but the thought of this just brings me to tears. Would have been nice to have spent the time off together, but he wants to go away and leave it all to me. I will suggest he takes the children to his mum OR he consider a Friday and Saturday night away.

He only gets the retreat if you get a similar length break

If he is complaining that he can't cope with the DC solo, tell him that it comes with practice, and you will ensure he gets plenty more of it

Also, remind him that when you go back to work, he will need to be able to cope as he will need to share fully the childcare admin.

And make sure you do go back to work. I hope this is just thoughtlessness on his part. But if he is going to prove to be a selfish arse long-term, then you need to make sure you are not unduly dependent on him

And my baby has a few initial nursery sessions then which will push me over the edge as I am really nervous about sending him.

Would it be awful to say that he can do the retreat but then he takes the kids to his mothers alone and I stay here?
I get the sense that he'll be going on his retreat no matter what so this suggestion sounds perfect. And blissful.

OP is he going on something organised or with others? Can he not go at a different time? The ones my DH goes on roll throughout the year.

Sorry this is going to be all practical.
Book an online shopping slot for the food slot
Get prepared as much as possible for when he is away. Super easy dinner pasta and sauce, pizza. Make sure you have all the Christmas party outfits and whatever sorted.
Go and see your GP about your anxiety. It’s common after a baby but not normal.

The introduction nursery sessions are only 2hrs but of course timing is really tight with the school drop off and they are opposite directions. That's probably a good enough excuse

What's the point of him? How does he enhance your life?