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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He wants a couple of nights retreat and I don't know what to say

453 replies

walkinthewoodstoday · 17/11/2022 10:42

My DH has just sent me a message saying he would like a few nights of silent retreat (and written dates). We have a 9 month old and a 7 year old. I am not yet back at work but will be soon. I don't know if I am lazy or struggling with mental health but some days I just find things really hard. When I stopped breastfeeding and my period came back I was so anxious and stressed I started to get dizzy. I am constantly worrying about whether the boiler will break or the roof will leak etc. I function in the sense I feed my 9 month old, play with him and put him down for rests. With the older one I feed and do my best. I often don't bother to feed myself. I have to force myself up and out with both of them to do the school run at 8am and then I just survive. Some days are OK though. I think I'm just mentally burnt out from being 'on' the whole time. Him asking to have a couple of days away just makes me feel sad. I can't control him but by asking me it puts me in an awkward situation. Please help me with how to respond.

OP posts:
mindutopia · 17/11/2022 12:53

It sounds like you both need a break. I've personally never gone on a 'silent retreat' but I do bugger off on holiday once or twice a year and leave dh at home to sort out dc and life without me. It's absolutely wonderful. I've done it since 9 year old was probably 16 months old.

So yes, absolutely, he deserves to be able to have some time away to be something other than a parent and re-charge and refresh. But also so do you. If you aren't breastfeeding, there's no reason you can't also go away for a couple days. I would book both in for both of you so you know you have that time set aside. Yes, send him to his mum's as well. And then plan in what support you'll need at home for when he is away and you're home with dc.

YouSoundLovely · 17/11/2022 12:53

*meant 'if he's Christian'

Echobelly · 17/11/2022 12:56

Does he know how you feel?

You obviously need some time off, but I think it's fair for him to ask for some. My inclination would be to reply saying you need to talk about face to face and not say no to him but use it as an opportunity talk to him about how wrung out you are feeling and what would help you.

Mischance · 17/11/2022 12:58

walkinthewoodstoday · 17/11/2022 10:55

Silent retreat- as in religious and yes phone will probably be switched off.
We are meant to be visiting his mother (who has only ever been unkind to me) for a few days after. Would it be awful to say that he can do the retreat but then he takes the kids to his mothers alone and I stay here?

Sounds a perfect idea - go for it!

SallyWD · 17/11/2022 12:59

I think it's fine (great idea in fact!) but you should definitely have a couple of days away yourself too! Sounds like you really need it. I'd say to him it's fine and sit down and work out dates you could also have a retreat.

Original poster
walkinthewoodstoday · 17/11/2022 13:01

So yes- to those asking, he txt me even though he was in the house. He was downstairs and I was playing with baby in his bedroom. I've since been down to give baby lunch etc and he hasn't mentioned the txt so I certainly won't! I feel ready now with my response and will update once he mentions retreats...

OP posts:
GoldenCupidon · 17/11/2022 13:02

SallyWD · 17/11/2022 12:59

I think it's fine (great idea in fact!) but you should definitely have a couple of days away yourself too! Sounds like you really need it. I'd say to him it's fine and sit down and work out dates you could also have a retreat.

If this does happen, OP needs to get hers first and maybe pop and see her mum (who sounds lovely) for a weekend while he takes on all childcare.

LaGioconda · 17/11/2022 13:10

walkinthewoodstoday · 17/11/2022 10:55

Silent retreat- as in religious and yes phone will probably be switched off.
We are meant to be visiting his mother (who has only ever been unkind to me) for a few days after. Would it be awful to say that he can do the retreat but then he takes the kids to his mothers alone and I stay here?

Abolutely not awful, in fact that would be an extremely sensible response.

ivykaty44 · 17/11/2022 13:10

Silent retreat- as in religious and yes phone will probably be switched off.

We are meant to be visiting his mother (who has only ever been unkind to me) for a few days after. Would it be awful to say that he can do the retreat but then he takes the kids to his mothers alone and I stay here?

id be stipulating, you do the retreat, then take dc to your mothers whilst I have my 2 day retreat - do whatever you fancy as a retreat experience for 2 days

Changes17 · 17/11/2022 13:11

walkinthewoodstoday · 17/11/2022 10:55

Silent retreat- as in religious and yes phone will probably be switched off.
We are meant to be visiting his mother (who has only ever been unkind to me) for a few days after. Would it be awful to say that he can do the retreat but then he takes the kids to his mothers alone and I stay here?

That's perfect! Would be absolutely fair imo...

ShouldIdo · 17/11/2022 13:12

walkinthewoodstoday · 17/11/2022 10:55

Silent retreat- as in religious and yes phone will probably be switched off.
We are meant to be visiting his mother (who has only ever been unkind to me) for a few days after. Would it be awful to say that he can do the retreat but then he takes the kids to his mothers alone and I stay here?

Perfect solution!

janbebe · 17/11/2022 13:15

you say yes that’s fine, go ahead and book it and i’ll book mine for the next week

triballeader · 17/11/2022 13:16

Admittidly a deep introvert MIGHT need a silent retreat to recharge their batteries but a man, following in the footsteps and example of Christ, would not leave their wife to sink. At best he is oblivious to how you actually are and at worst he is an entitled self-centred idiot. Hopefully its the former if he has asked if he could go rather than telling you he is going.

It would be a bit unusual for someone actively involved with church to go on retreat during advent. Its about the busiest time for outside groups to ask for church 'extra' services and events. There are places that offer shorter silent days where you go in the morning and leave in the evening. You can find more details on the Retreat Association website.

I am married to a priest who goes on silent reteats. Its part and parcel of his role. He does not carry his mobile with him on them but I can contact him and get him to call me by speaking to either the guest brother or similar. If he knows something could kick off at home he does have his phone with him on silent but vibrate so I can contact him directly. It might be worth asking how contactable he would be IF he went as you have such young children at home.

AuntieEntity · 17/11/2022 13:17

He sounds like an absolute bellend to be fair.

Hbh17 · 17/11/2022 13:17

Say "I hope you have a lovely time, & I look forward to seeing you when you get home". Nobody needs permission from their spouse to go away - they are an adult.

EmmaAgain22 · 17/11/2022 13:20

Hbh17 · 17/11/2022 13:17

Say "I hope you have a lovely time, & I look forward to seeing you when you get home". Nobody needs permission from their spouse to go away - they are an adult.

I'm a single childfree adult, so ...yeah. I can do that.

he isn't. He has two children.

Cornelious · 17/11/2022 13:27

It's important that you each have time to re- energise. I've a friend who does silent retreats and finds them very beneficial to their MH. As long as you get equal time I don't see the issue. Perhaps you take yours first though so that you feel more able to parent alone for a few days. If money is an issue could you go and stay with a friend/ family member?

OldFan · 17/11/2022 13:29

It does sound like you have some PND @walkinthewoodstoday and/or just knackered. Your OH is being thoughtless.

I think those PP's that are saying it's a great idea are missing the point that you need help and support at the moment each day with the kids.

AcrossthePond55 · 17/11/2022 13:31

If you're getting no help from him, I wonder how much that is contributing to your exhaustion and 'burnout'. Then to have him ask for 'time off' (for whatever reason) is adding insult to injury.

You need to talk about more than just a few days away.

Theydoyaknow · 17/11/2022 13:32

He is quite entitled to go to a silent retreat. Just because he has 2 kids does not mean he cannot do this. They will have one parent looking after them.

You are quite entitled to expect him to bring the kids to his Mothers alone when you stay home and do fuck all. Just because you have 2 kids does not mean you cannot do this. They will have one parent looking after them.

Mardyface · 17/11/2022 13:34

Hbh17 · 17/11/2022 13:17

Say "I hope you have a lovely time, & I look forward to seeing you when you get home". Nobody needs permission from their spouse to go away - they are an adult.

You're right. That's what the kids should say too. "Bye mummy and daddy, hope you have a lovely time! We'll try not to starve or kill ourselves while you're away!"

toomuchlaundry · 17/11/2022 13:35

@Cornelious why should the DH be able to spend money but not OP. Money seems to be an issue in the fact the DH has money and the OP doesn't

toomuchlaundry · 17/11/2022 13:37

@Hbh17 there has to be give an take especially when young children are in the mix. It appears with the DH there is a lot of take but not much give. The OP is struggling, there needs to be a conversation how can life be made easier for both of them

aloris · 17/11/2022 13:40

"Say "I hope you have a lovely time, & I look forward to seeing you when you get home". Nobody needs permission from their spouse to go away - they are an adult."

Same for her? Yeah I didn't think so. A man doesn't need permission to go away because he's an adult.... and also has a wife to look after the kids while he swans off to mind his mental health or whatever. A woman can't even go buy more milk without having to get the kids dressed in coats and change nappies and listen to a lot of "but I want a new toy!" on the way to the store.

A silent retreat in the days before Christmas is completey ridiculous. It's going to be exhausting for you, OP. Also, turning off the phone? What if there's an emergency. Am I correct that he's expected to pay a stipend to whatever place is hosting the retreat? But you can't even buy a lightbulb without being questioned by him? Why do you not have your own credit card?

Your whole situation sounds untenable. You need mental health support, or maybe just health support. You need to eat regularly, focus on that first. Are you taking a multivitamin? When was the last time you went to the doctor? Tell your husband you need to go to the doctor.

I'm getting to where I just have no respect for men. So many of them seem to treat their wives and the mothers of their children worse than maids. How did we get here?

OldFan · 17/11/2022 13:44

PP is right that you need a multivitamin and food @walkinthewoodstoday . Food is fuel and will make you feel better. If you don't have an appetite it's another sign you may have depression. Some people turn to food, but a lot of people aren't interested in food when they're depressed/anxious.

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