He wants a couple of nights retreat and I don't know what to say

[walkinthewoodstoday]

My DH has just sent me a message saying he would like a few nights of silent retreat (and written dates). We have a 9 month old and a 7 year old. I am not yet back at work but will be soon. I don't know if I am lazy or struggling with mental health but some days I just find things really hard. When I stopped breastfeeding and my period came back I was so anxious and stressed I started to get dizzy. I am constantly worrying about whether the boiler will break or the roof will leak etc. I function in the sense I feed my 9 month old, play with him and put him down for rests. With the older one I feed and do my best. I often don't bother to feed myself. I have to force myself up and out with both of them to do the school run at 8am and then I just survive. Some days are OK though. I think I'm just mentally burnt out from being 'on' the whole time. Him asking to have a couple of days away just makes me feel sad. I can't control him but by asking me it puts me in an awkward situation. Please help me with how to respond.

@upfucked that's really helpful. He will have to leave his credit card too as I have no money!

It's exhausting having young DC but you do sound very low OP if you're not making much effort with life. Have you sought some help for this from your HV or GP?

I'm not excusing him for one second but it can be really draining to be around someone who is struggling with their MH and not actively trying to make it better.

@Flowersinamilkbottle there won't ever be a good time really until baby is 3+ I don't find my 7 year old hard- it's a delight to be with her, but the two together is challenging and unrelenting

I think I’d be inclined to have my turn first so he can’t go back on the deal.

Or…DH books the shopping slot. DH prepares as much as possible for when he’s away. DH makes sure Christmas is sorted. Why is it on OP to facilitate him dropping everything at a particularly busy and stressful time?

Please op. Stop putting yourself at the back. He is not, he's putting himself at the front. 'Maybe I'm crap'. No. No. No. no.

Would you both think 'he was crap' if he said no to you going on a spa weekend? I'll bet if he goes and you say no, you're controlling, but if you asked and he said no, it would be because you can't afford it/he has to work/whatever.

Would it be awful to say that he can do the retreat but then he takes the kids to his mothers alone and I stay here?

I would suggest that he takes the children to his mothers first, then he can schedule his time away for the week after. Call me suspicious, but I'd suspect that he'd try to back out of taking them alone if he got his retreat first.

Book a babysitter for a few hours while he is away and go out and do something for you. Cheaper than staying in a hotel and it might help you cope with the weekend alone.

This.

Judging by the responses on here I mite be in the minority but I would be saying get a bloody grip! Step up to your responsibilities or get out.
You need help, he can't just Swan off when it suits especially when there is a cost of living crisis, so close to Xmas (if you celebrate it?) and you get nothing!
No!

I don’t know if you ever watch Motherland but your husband sounds like Julia’s; selfish.

Would him being away at the weekend be more difficult for you? With the older DC at school during the day at least it's only one child to wrangle on your own

The issue here (well, one of them) is he has informed you by Royal Jerk-off decree that he will be doing this. With no regard to cost either financially or on you emotionally.

He is, in short, being a selfish prick.

Ask how much it is. Then if you can afford the same again, think about exactly where and when you want to go. If you can’t afford double, he needs to half his costs.

And yes get him to take the kids to his mean mother.

Sounds like a husband problem. Not a you problem.

Can your mum come qn4d stay with you for a while when he is in retreat and at his mums.

@Goldbar it's too close to Xmas sadly. And over Xmas he gets to stay at my parents where my mum will look after us and it's so so lovely so that's a break in my opinion. When we go to see his mum we have to find accomodation as she is a hoarder - she has little walkways between piles of stuff and doesn't believe in cleaning. She is difficult but that's another thread. I'm not really keen for being alone with the children then a week driving and being around MIL with children who probably won't sleep as they aren't at home in December when it's wet dark and cold.

I'm not going to reply to a txt message. If he wants to discuss it I will wait for him to broach it. Perhaps I will simply reply with 'it's not ideal' and see what the response is.

How about this:
You take DC to your mum's without him. You get help, he gets "a break"
So then when he takes the DC to his mum's you stay home and get a break. DO NOT TAKE YOUR RETREAT AT THIS TIME. Because despite your best intentions you will still be doing housework. Just relax a bit at home.
He can then take his silent retreat. Make sure you book yours at the same time. For a very near date. Hopefully a time as awkward as his.
Whatever help he gives you before he goes away, that's how much you give him (shopping in, laundry done etc). If he gives zero help, well, then he's on his own. Whatever jobs you do when he's away, leave a list expecting them done - house hoovered, weekly shop done, 3 loads of laundry washed, dried and put away

It really stood out to me that you are possibly suffering iron deficiency or some other vitamin deficiency (folates maybe?). Just the combination of exhaustion and anxiety stood out. You mentioned you weren't eating much or well? I really think you need to see a GP, honestly, or just find a way to take in more iron and vitamins.

I think if you were healthy his request would be fine. It's in the realms of normal, as long as he reciprocates. But you seem to be catastrophising spending two days alone with your kids and doing ordinary things like shopping for them or taking them to nursery.

I don't have DC so maybe not qualified to comment
but I'd tell him he can book it for in ten years or so. You have a baby FFS.

Can you not tell him what you have told us? I get the impression you are reluctant to say no.
Your needs are important too . Please try to talk to him, rather than going directly into survival ‘how can I get through this’ mode.

Why do you have no money, @walkinthewoodstoday? You write ‘husband’ - so surely if he has money, you have money. Isn’t it all ‘family money’? Particularly if you’re on ML.

Also- I've not said no before. He went on a 8 day retreat in 2020 and previously he went to Abroad on a work trip for a fortnight. I know things are hard and I don't know that I need a retreat, I know things will be easier in a few years when baby is older.

Does he ever look after the children without you around? Does he acknowledge how tiring and relentless your life is looking after the two?

I think it's fair enough to look after one's wellbeing and a silent retreat may well be what he needs. But it is only fair if you also get what you need for your health and wellbeing.

I had this when DS1 was 3 and DS2 around 10 months. We were both wiped out and low. He said he wants to go away for a 10-day retreat. I said that he can but only if I get equal amount of time just for myself. I was still breastfeeding the youngest so couldn't go away for a long period. I said I'd take a Saturday off for the next 10 weeks, which he agreed to. Well, after the first weekend when I was out of the house between 9am and 6pm there was no more talk about a 10-day retreat. He realised how hard it was with a baby and a toddler and being a decent person, he saw it wasn't fair on me. We decided to work more as a team to get through the tough years. It was just a stage. We're way happier now that boys are 7 and 9. If he had been selfish and pushed ahead with his needs at my expense, i suspect we'd be divorced by now.

If he refuses to take the kids away alone to give you a break, you have your answer, I'm afraid.

Well I'm not earning and have to explain every purchase on the credit card. So yes, it's joint in that sense but still get sighed at for buying a lightbulb or our DD birthday present etc

OP, you sound very low and stressed - are you getting support for your feelings of anxiety? The intensity you are experiencing isn't normal and you would probably benefit from seeing your GP or accessing a wellbeing service.

You also say you have no money - why is that? You are married, you should have access to money and if you do not because your husband controls the purse strings, that is concerning.

And lastly, if he gets a retreat, so do you. Of whatever kind works for you.

@workingfromhome49 I think you understand it. I don't even need something for myself just the emotional understanding that this is hard but we will get through and things will improve not tit for tat.