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Relationships

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Original poster

Is this reality of having a step child?

244 replies

Haloweensmile · 16/11/2022 18:38

I struggle to find myself in this set up and would be grateful for any advice.

How much control do you have over your life since you are in a relationship with someone with children?

DP seems to want me to spend every day with him and his DD (9). The problem is I start to feel used and that I have lost a control over my own life.

DP's DD is with him every weekend. He wants me to be there with them both all the time as he sees this as the best quality time. I don't. For me, this time is a source of stress and increased anxiety to the point of sleepless nights. We have been together 2 years and we spend less and less time just 2 of us, DD seems to be here all the time now when DP isn't at work. He works shifts- a dayshift, back shift and night shift. I hardly see him in the weeks when he does back shifts and night shifts. He used to find time for dates, he used to find time for just th 2 of us, he used to want to visit me in my own house. Now he decided to save money and do a lot of overtime so everything has taken a back seat.

I want to spend a weekend alone - I'm told I'm selfish and he feels I want to punish him by withdrawing myself
I want him to visit me more - instead he insists on me spending weeks at his house, because it is easier for me as I can work from home. I'm 35, I'm so tired of living on the suitcases and being thorn between two homes
I wanted him to put DD earlier to bed last weekend so we can watch a movie together - I'm told I'm being difficult and I'm creating problems when he only wants to spend some time with his DD. And of course that I shouldn't be jealous.
Me saying to him that I need some time just the 2 of us and that 3hrs every other weekend just doesn't cut it, is met with the comments that I'm creating problems because we would have an ideal time with his DD.
At the weekends when I'm there he sleeps until 12pm on Sundays. DD is playing on her own coming to our bedroom starring at me until I get up and play with her...and then they watch movies until late because he wants to spend time with her. She is following him all the time, it extreme to the point when I feel I need to step back because DP doesn't have any personal space.

I'm off tomorrow, so is DP. I ask him maybe we would go out for a meal....He says yes of course but we are taking his DD as he is picking her up from school tomorrow and he wants her to spend a night here so he can drop her off to school on Friday. It's additional and she normally would be over from Friday after school until Monday morning. He is making his own plans and I'm expected to suck it up, get on with it and be grateful but when I want to do something different I'm told I'm unreasonable for not wanting to spend time together.

Am I being difficult? I know he wants to spend some time with DD but can we ever be a priority?

OP posts:

Original poster

Haloweensmile · 16/11/2022 18:42

3hrs every other week it wa s meant to say

OP posts:

WorldWideNomad · 16/11/2022 18:45

He wants you to be a stepmother figure to his DD. You, understandably enough, don't want to to do this. Your expectations and his are not the same. If I were you, I'd end it and find a man who doesn't have young children.

CousinKrispy · 16/11/2022 18:51

I found some of the detail hard to follow but it sounds like you just don't want the same things from a relationship and he is rushing you into being a kind of instant stepmum. It's not unreasonable for you to not be thrilled about that but it sounds like you won't be able to change his mind.

Compromise is necessary in relationships and it doesn't sound like he's willing to compromise for your sake at all. He should put his DD first but also should be able to listen to your concerns and be willing to work with you.

Throw him back and find someone else.

girlmom21 · 16/11/2022 18:51

Spending weekends with his DD would be fine if he actually got up and did things you could all enjoy and if he also made time for you on weeknights or around his shifts, and if he understood you don't want to give up your life.

He's selfish and your needs don't matter to him.

LBFseBrom · 16/11/2022 18:53

WorldWideNomad · Today 18:45
He wants you to be a stepmother figure to his DD. You, understandably enough, don't want to to do this. Your expectations and his are not the same. If I were you, I'd end it and find a man who doesn't have young children.

I quite agree with this!

A warning to all, do not get involved with someone who has young children.
There are plenty of singles around who have none.

SpinningFloppa · 16/11/2022 18:53

I imagine this is the case for most men who become step parents and live with their partner who has children. Isn’t this only every weekend?

Daleksatemyshed · 16/11/2022 18:54

He doesn't live with his DD anymore so he wants to spend all his spare time with her- which is lovely but completely fails to take you in to consideration. He loves her so wants you to love her too but it's too early for that - you just want an adult to adult relationship and he can't see that. Quite honestly, this isn't going to get any better, you're always going to be second choice so I'd think long and hard about whether you could do better

MelchiorsMistress · 16/11/2022 18:56

You’re not being difficult, but nor is he. It sounds like he’s a decent parent who is there when his child needs and wants him to be. As children grow older it’s natural that they start making their own choices about where they spend their time and it’s best for them when the parents are flexible about it. He’s right to have his child as often as he can, and being a parent does mean that you don’t get a lot of free time.

Its up to you how you want your relationship to be. You can’t expect him to spend less time being a parent, but he can’t expect to maintain a healthy relationship if he doesn’t give any time to it.

Leggingslife · 16/11/2022 18:58

Honestly. Yes. This is the reality.

girlmom21 · 16/11/2022 18:59

It sounds like he’s a decent parent who is there when his child needs and wants him to be.

Apart from when he's spending half the day in bed and emotionally blackmailing his unwilling girlfriend into doing his parenting for him?

DebussytoaDiscoBeat · 16/11/2022 18:59

SpinningFloppa · 16/11/2022 18:53

I imagine this is the case for most men who become step parents and live with their partner who has children. Isn’t this only every weekend?

I doubt many resident parents would sleep till midday on a Sunday then have no adult time in the evening with their partner because they're staying up late with their 9yo to make up for being out of action for the whole of the morning.

PeekAtYou · 16/11/2022 19:01

yanbu to feel the way you do.

While it's good that he adores his dd, it sounds like he primarily wants a stepmum for her which is ok not to want. Now that you've been together a while, it sounds like he has become complacent and lazy about his relationship with you.

ZenNudist · 16/11/2022 19:03

He should be getting up in the morning with her and spending time together in the evening with you.

I think he wants you there as he thinks it's easier to parent as a couple.

Dump and let him find another mug to do childcare for him.

pantsville · 16/11/2022 19:08

I find it unbelievable that he’s getting slated on here for being an active parent and prioritising his daughter. How many mums on here would decide not to pick their child up from school because their boyfriend had asked them on a date?

Obviously the relationship isn’t working, but even only having one side of the story I see nothing he’s done particularly wrong. Other than maybe misjudging OPs enthusiasm for his child. I would end it too, it will be a shame for the daughter as well as she’ll pick up on the hostility.

J0CASTA · 16/11/2022 19:08

Yes this is it. Doing all the grunt work of being a parent but with no choices, no authority and none of the nice bits.

You have to do as you are told otherwise you are a bad person who is stopping him seeing his child .

If you are child free yourself you will be told you can’t possibly understand.

You need to get out now. This is never going to work for you.

MintJulia · 16/11/2022 19:13

You aren't being selfish, your dp is expecting far too much of you. He is being lazy and thoughtless, and shows you no consideration.

I'm a single mum and I've never left my ds in my boyfriend's care or expected him to get up while I lie in bed.

StickyCricket · 16/11/2022 19:19

Bin him off and let him find someone else to get up and amuse his DD while he sleeps in till midday every weekend.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 16/11/2022 19:20

So, to summarise, while he was initially courting you he made time for the two of you, he made the effort to go and see you so that it wasn't always you having to stay at his. Basically your needs and wants were as important to him as his.

Now that he feels he's hooked you what he wants and needs is all that matters. Obviously it's good that his DD is prioritised, but he used to manage to both see her and have time alone with you.

OhamIreally · 16/11/2022 19:27

He wants you there because it's easier and more pleasant for him.

Is he thinking about his relationship with his daughter? Or his relationship with you? No.

Original poster

Haloweensmile · 16/11/2022 19:28

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 16/11/2022 19:20

Now that he feels he's hooked you what he wants and needs is all that matters. Obviously it's good that his DD is prioritised, but he used to manage to both see her and have time alone with you.

Exactly this is how I feel

OP posts:

Clymene · 16/11/2022 19:28

I'm not surprised you're feeling used. He's put you into the nanny role. I think your relationship is over. He doesn't want to spend any time with you alone and only values you as a childcare resource.

Sorry.

TheClogLady · 16/11/2022 19:34

This isn’t working for you.

It’s lovely that he wants to spend as much time as possible with his daughter but you aren’t ready for the hardly-any-dates all-family-all-the-time phase of life yet!

He’s being unreasonable to expect you to mould yourself around his house and his schedule in a way that suits his family plans,

I’m both a mum and a step mum and it’s really hard to juggle everyone’s needs, but at least dating a divorced parent when you yourself are a divorced parent makes it a more balanced situation. Your situation feels very off kilter.

I don’t know if you plan on having babies yourself at any point but if you are I recommend you don’t do it with a man with a one preteen/teen daughter - either wait until she’s out the other side of puberty or find a different chap!

TheDuchessOfMN · 16/11/2022 19:38

He’s a crap partner and a pretty crap dad too. He only has his dd on weekends, and he stays in bed until midday?
I’d also hazard a guess that he keeps her up late so that she’ll sleep in the next morning, showing no consideration for you and him spending time alone together at night.

Purplecatshopaholic · 16/11/2022 19:38

Now that you are together he doesn’t feel the need to try, and just puts his wants/needs first. Great that he is present for his daughter, but this is not your issue or responsibility. It won’t get better op - find someone without kids who puts you and your relationship first.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 16/11/2022 19:39

I think it's very telling that you deciding to have a weekend to yourself is framed as an aggression towards him. There is absolutely no reason that you shouldn't do whatever the hell you like with your own free time. The fact is that he considers all your free time should be used for his benefit. He doesn't consider you to be a person in your own right. I don't think he loves you or cares for you, he only likes the benefits that you bring to his life. I'm sorry. You deserve much better. In fact if you were single you would still be doing much better than with him.

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