Is this reality of having a step child?

[Haloweensmile]

I struggle to find myself in this set up and would be grateful for any advice.

How much control do you have over your life since you are in a relationship with someone with children?

DP seems to want me to spend every day with him and his DD (9). The problem is I start to feel used and that I have lost a control over my own life.

DP's DD is with him every weekend. He wants me to be there with them both all the time as he sees this as the best quality time. I don't. For me, this time is a source of stress and increased anxiety to the point of sleepless nights. We have been together 2 years and we spend less and less time just 2 of us, DD seems to be here all the time now when DP isn't at work. He works shifts- a dayshift, back shift and night shift. I hardly see him in the weeks when he does back shifts and night shifts. He used to find time for dates, he used to find time for just th 2 of us, he used to want to visit me in my own house. Now he decided to save money and do a lot of overtime so everything has taken a back seat.

I want to spend a weekend alone - I'm told I'm selfish and he feels I want to punish him by withdrawing myself
I want him to visit me more - instead he insists on me spending weeks at his house, because it is easier for me as I can work from home. I'm 35, I'm so tired of living on the suitcases and being thorn between two homes
I wanted him to put DD earlier to bed last weekend so we can watch a movie together - I'm told I'm being difficult and I'm creating problems when he only wants to spend some time with his DD. And of course that I shouldn't be jealous.
Me saying to him that I need some time just the 2 of us and that 3hrs every other weekend just doesn't cut it, is met with the comments that I'm creating problems because we would have an ideal time with his DD.
At the weekends when I'm there he sleeps until 12pm on Sundays. DD is playing on her own coming to our bedroom starring at me until I get up and play with her...and then they watch movies until late because he wants to spend time with her. She is following him all the time, it extreme to the point when I feel I need to step back because DP doesn't have any personal space.

I'm off tomorrow, so is DP. I ask him maybe we would go out for a meal....He says yes of course but we are taking his DD as he is picking her up from school tomorrow and he wants her to spend a night here so he can drop her off to school on Friday. It's additional and she normally would be over from Friday after school until Monday morning. He is making his own plans and I'm expected to suck it up, get on with it and be grateful but when I want to do something different I'm told I'm unreasonable for not wanting to spend time together.

Am I being difficult? I know he wants to spend some time with DD but can we ever be a priority?

This.

Why are you even with him? It sounds miserable.

Forgive the vulgarity but I recently heard the phrase "he wants a nanny with a fanny" said regarding a man with kids trying to force his girlfriend into the role of free childminder.

OP,

You poor woman.

Two years you have been groomed to be skivvy and free au pair for a controlling manipulative user.

You really need counselling to figure out what is going on with you that you would have a bar so low that this would be acceptable.

You are 100% being used.

It really is that simple.

Any hint of rebellion is bullied out of you by calling you selfish.

He's a shit father.

He's not looking for a partner, he's looking for a mug he can use, and he found it in you.

Why would you put up with this is the question?

You deserve better.

Move back to your home for the weekend.
Take anything at his that you value, and tell him you are breaking up with HIM, by text.
Don't mention his child.

Then do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk programme and look at some counselling.

You don't want men like him in your future.

Given all he thinks is needed is to give his child a bit of food I don't think he even wants a nanny. Just a vending machine.

It's so clear to me that this man is using you. The key is calling you selfish if you want to spend a weekend on your own. You are selfish if you want couple time alone with him, selfish if you spend the weekend without him, selfish if you won't babysit his child while he is not even there, so he can earn extra income all of which he gets to keep! Meanwhile, he's taking extra shifts and sleeping in till noon during the same contact time that he claims is so precious to him that he dare not spend any time alone with you doing things just you two as a couple. He is using negging as a way to manipulate you into becoming an unpaid nanny, all while dangling the carrot of a love relationship but then not actually treating you as a cherished beloved.

Brilliantly stated.

OP, I hope you reflect on this. You deserve better. And to be carefree and spontaneous, not tied down doing childminding for him AND for his ex. They don't seem to spend too much time worrying about you and your life, do they now? Other than how to extract the maximum work out of you.

If you want a car that is economical and can carry a family and 2 dogs you wouldn't buy a fucking Ferrari.
This guy isn't going to give the op want she wants. He's not capable, he has a fixed commitment and a shit job.
Do you have children or are you a step parent JFTB.

Agreed.

He is using you at such a level of arrogance that it is frankly unbelievable.

OP, have you really no concept of how little respect he has for you that he would check with his ex ìf it suited HER for you to mind THEIR child, while not bothering to consult you at all.

So unbelievable.

I genuinely wòuld love to know what brought you to such a place that anyone would allow themselves to be treated with such breathtaking disrespect.

It's really sad.

You deserve so much better in your one precious life.

Don't settle for so little.

Nice.. loads of people work shifts. 🙄

Ah - I missed that. For some reason I thought EOW weekend :-( Yeah that is tough. TBH the more I think about it, the more I think this guy sounds like a bit of a dick. Yeah ok, he loves his daughter, but he is calling you selfish for wanting some time for yourself and not bothering to put any time into your relationship.

I think a strong ultimatum and then if things don't improve, I'd be out.

And what does shift work do to relationships.
What possible problems might couples have to overcome.
Is the rate of divorce higher or lower?

Op
I want a happy full filling involved relationship.
However he has a step child.
He works shift's.
Erm.
I wouldn't entertain a man like this for obvious reasons.

It's not a "shit job" just because it's shifts

Imho it's a shit job.

🤣

Arf at the idea that we’re all a bunch of evil harpies looking to criticise this poor, wonderful man (on the basis of specific things he’s done and said) but that it’s ok to announce that jobs with shift work are shit as a blanket statement. 🙄

Again, you aren't getting it, HE knew all this, yet HE pursued her and wants her to bend to HIS wishes. So why are you attacking the OP?

@RedAppleGirl

You mean any shift job is a shit job? Really?

Well that's your opinion. Shift jobs can be the best. I once had a shift job, am sorry I left there. It enabled me to plan for things if there was a concert or something or appointment or whatever that as during a week day and a 9-5 would mean I would miss out, with my shift job I was able to plan what days I worked and it afforded me far, far, far better flexibility than the 9-5 jobs that mean anything during a weekday was out. Shift jobs really can give the best work-life balance.

I agree the ops relationship is flourishing.
That shift job is really helping the relationship.😂😂

Shift worker aren't supposed date now 🤣🤣🤣 . £28 weekday or £35 per hour for nights or £48 for Sunday's. I work a Sunday twice a month Theres a reason why we do it. If someone wanted me to stop working shifts I'd tell them to fuck off. Controlling behaviour.

I don't think it's helpful to derail this thread with a debate about shift work. Of course shift jobs are not shit, they are very necessary for the functioning of crucial parts of our society such as health care.

But the point is, the intersection of shift work AND solo parenting on the part of OP's boyfriend leaves little room in his life for her, and he does seem to be taking huge advantage of her to provide child care that he and his ex should be seeing to.

Who said anything about the relationship flourishing?

Btw, OP's boyfriend is a selfish pig and a neglectful parent. His job has absolutely nothing remotely to do with this, he'd still be the same selfish pig and a neglectful parent if he had a 9-5 job. 😂😂

Fuck that. Run. He’s dumping his responsibilities onto you. You’re not a parent, childcare if not in any way, shape, or form your responsibility.

it’s also not unreasonable to expect to be prioritised at times in your relationship. Shit, my actual parents made sure to have childfree time with one another, and I don’t believe that’s particularly unusual. Not everything revolves around kids.

I'm being sarcastic.
Do you have any children or are you a step parent?

I know that. Hence why I said the partner would still be a pig.

Yes, I do have children. Do you have any? At all? Do you even have a partner or a relationship? Have you ever actually had a relationship, more to the point?