Is this reality of having a step child?

[Haloweensmile]

I struggle to find myself in this set up and would be grateful for any advice.

How much control do you have over your life since you are in a relationship with someone with children?

DP seems to want me to spend every day with him and his DD (9). The problem is I start to feel used and that I have lost a control over my own life.

DP's DD is with him every weekend. He wants me to be there with them both all the time as he sees this as the best quality time. I don't. For me, this time is a source of stress and increased anxiety to the point of sleepless nights. We have been together 2 years and we spend less and less time just 2 of us, DD seems to be here all the time now when DP isn't at work. He works shifts- a dayshift, back shift and night shift. I hardly see him in the weeks when he does back shifts and night shifts. He used to find time for dates, he used to find time for just th 2 of us, he used to want to visit me in my own house. Now he decided to save money and do a lot of overtime so everything has taken a back seat.

I want to spend a weekend alone - I'm told I'm selfish and he feels I want to punish him by withdrawing myself
I want him to visit me more - instead he insists on me spending weeks at his house, because it is easier for me as I can work from home. I'm 35, I'm so tired of living on the suitcases and being thorn between two homes
I wanted him to put DD earlier to bed last weekend so we can watch a movie together - I'm told I'm being difficult and I'm creating problems when he only wants to spend some time with his DD. And of course that I shouldn't be jealous.
Me saying to him that I need some time just the 2 of us and that 3hrs every other weekend just doesn't cut it, is met with the comments that I'm creating problems because we would have an ideal time with his DD.
At the weekends when I'm there he sleeps until 12pm on Sundays. DD is playing on her own coming to our bedroom starring at me until I get up and play with her...and then they watch movies until late because he wants to spend time with her. She is following him all the time, it extreme to the point when I feel I need to step back because DP doesn't have any personal space.

I'm off tomorrow, so is DP. I ask him maybe we would go out for a meal....He says yes of course but we are taking his DD as he is picking her up from school tomorrow and he wants her to spend a night here so he can drop her off to school on Friday. It's additional and she normally would be over from Friday after school until Monday morning. He is making his own plans and I'm expected to suck it up, get on with it and be grateful but when I want to do something different I'm told I'm unreasonable for not wanting to spend time together.

Am I being difficult? I know he wants to spend some time with DD but can we ever be a priority?

I just want to know something..
Are you serious about him, like do you want to marry and have your own kids with him?
Because if yes, this is how the rest of your life will be and you will eventually become a step parent to her and it sounds like hes setting you up

It doesnt sound like you are using the time to get to know her or bond and
You clearly preferred it better when his dd wasnt around that much because you want it to just be you and him, which isnt going to happen
2 parent families dont get much "alone time" without their young kids either
It sounds like you are suited more for a person without kids

And the comment about dd "following him around" makes you sound resentful, that is her dad
And she wants his attention which she rarely gets, what do you want her to do?

Ive been there and done that
My ex used to sleep in too , usually hungover and i had to get up early and make kids breakfast and entertain them, not him..
I had to organise going out or we would just be in the house the whole time
He would use me as a babysitter without asking, just go out all night and day
Anytime his ex wanted time to herself, he would get them and bring them to my house to babysit
Or she would just drop them on my doorstep and run away
I also had other things going on in my life and it was all un needed stress
They were good kids but being used as a babysitter made me super stressed

Is this the life you want for yourself ..

I would make some regular Sunday morning plans and get up and piss off. New walking routine? He is choosing sleep and his daughter over you by sleeping in, expecting you to parent, and then keeping her up late so he can spend time with him. Walking group Sundays at his, and say I need a Sunday sleep in too and would prefer my own bed.
dh and I have significant birthdays next year. He wants a child free dinner with his family and I want a child free weekend away with him. Because time together as adults is precious! Obviously we adore our children, but we still have to prioritise us and our relationship. He’s doing the prioritise him bit pretty well I’d say, shame about you hey.

How much control do you have over your life since you are in a relationship with someone with children?

You have complete control. This relationship is not serving your needs. So take control and opt out.

DP sounds like he has his cake and is eating it. your relationship works around him as it's convenient for him and he is steering the ship solely for this.

You said you are feeling used, your stressed, have anxiety and sleepless nights because of the new dynamics of your relationship. Is this what you want?

He chose to have an extra day with DD. He could have spent time with you.

It feels like you are not a priority for him.

Hes not worth it.

You’ve been had. I suspect his plan was always to fast track you to surrogate parent. He is pushing back on you challenging his behaviour because your opinions don’t coincide with his wants. For the sake of his DD please walk away.

No this needn't always be the reality, it isn't for me! You've chanced upon a partner with kids who has very little to offer you.

The problem is I start to feel used and that I have lost a control over my own life.

HS, listen to your valid feelings. They speak the truth.

He expects you to comply with and serve his ideal agenda. Your mind and body are responding to his coercion with stress, increased anxiety, and sleepless nights.

*If you want to spend your free time elsewhere, you’re called selfish and punisher.
*If you want him to come to you (like before), he refuses and insists on the opposite, disregarding your fatigue.
*If you want to watch a movie together, or suggest any 1:1 time, he calls you difficult and problem creator.
*When he insists on sleeping until noon on Sunday, he assumes you will facilitate this by parenting SD.

He sounds like a narcissist who puts his wants/needs front and center, and expects compliance and service from you, his ego supply. He doesn’t view you as an individual with feelings, boundaries, wants or needs. He assumes ownership of your time and attention. If you deviate from his expectations, he’ll turn hostile or manipulative to coerce you back into your lane.

Listen to your authentic feelings, HS. You’ve been making choices that rob your peace of mind and harm your emotional health. Use your agency and good sense and make different choices.

I can tell you that I would walk away from any entitled, self-serving man who demanded ownership of my time and treated me with callous disregard.

If he doesn't get that your life is not going to revolve around his child then he's not the one for you. Stepfamilys work when everyone can just be, with no forced relationships.

The reality is that he has a young child - that is what life is like with young children - they are there all the time and you have to do annoying things like get up early and interact with them and take them with you when you go out for dinner.

except that the child’s father is not getting up with his 9 year old and interacting with her.

And he doesn’t have the child all the time either. So it should be perfectly possible to go out for dinner without the child. And fine to want to (even if it is your 9 year old, a meal out with and without them are very different things).

No wonder so many men are shit when women are telling each other to basically get on with the wifework and appreciate he needs a lie in.

It feels like he wants me to treat his DD as if she was my own, he would tell me what don't I go and cuddle DD and give her a kiss goodnight. I'm not ready. What if I will never be?

What if that's not what DD wants! My DSC would have been so uncomfortable if I'd tried to treat them like they were my own kids in that way.

I think you're so mismatched on this I'd leave him.

No decent person would ignore a child until 12pm and not even give them food

At the weekends when I'm there he sleeps until 12pm on Sundays. DD is playing on her own coming to our bedroom starring at me until I get up and play with her... that's really weird, why isn't he getting up?! I'd be nudging him and waking him up.

That's already happened twice. They way it was handled by DP is one of the reasons I want to avoid it now.

He wanted to go to work to do some overtime one Saturday and a night before when we were in bed asked if I was ok to stay with his DD. He would be back just after 12pm, so a few hrs I thought yeah no problem. All fine but next weekend he wanted to go to work for 12hr shift, until 6pm.

His DD said she would want to say with me instead going back to her mum. He replied it's okay but he will ask her mum if she was happy with it. Mum of course said yes and I was the last person in here who was asked if I wouldn't mind stating with his DD! It was done in front of DD too so I felt I couldn't say no because she would feel rejected and upset and that's the last thing I would want for her.

That's why I feel used and my time taken for granted because well yeah, what else I would want to be doing? I should drop everything because they want me to. And If I say no, it's me creating problems

OP honestly, you aren't being unreasonable at all. It's ok if this isn't the life you want - he isn't going to change or see the problem though so I'd be seriously thinking about just ending things with him.

You ARE being used. And he couldn’t give a shit what you want or need.

His DD is a red herring. If you hadn’t mentioned her but posted that the boyfriend you don’t live with misuses on organising your weekends and strops if you want some time to yourself this lot would be up in arms telling you to LTB immediately and protect yourself from the controlling bully.

Because he happens to have a kid with someone else you’re apparently being selfish and unreasonable to want an equal say in your relationship.

You’re not. You need to dump him and go live your own life.

Basically you're free child care.

He wants to use your time to feather his own nest financially.

I'm not sure it is the life I would choose, where he considers his own needs above yours and doesn't value your time and effort. It's giving you information about how he sees your role- it's up to you what you do with that.

I'd be out, tbh.

It's not just slotting you in complacently as if you have nothing else to do but what suits him, it's the emotional blackmail that goes with it.

You need to less available so he has to parent - whilst you are taking over/getting up - which he appears to forget about - he doesn’t have too.

if he can’t see he’s causing you difficulties then it’s not a fight worth having.

Get a family calendar and block out the time you are doing things so no one can monopolize your time.

I have read your last update and he sounds very manipulative. You should always be asked first and you shouldn't be put under any pressure to agree. My DH asked me if i wanted my DSD's manky shoes for DC in front of her and it was so awful. I told him to never do that to me again.

I would make plans to leave. It won't get any better.

That's why I feel used and my time taken for granted because well yeah, what else I would want to be doing?

Have you tried talking to him about this?

I have a lie in until midday on the weekend because my DD who is 9 doesn't surface until then she loves her weekend lie ins. 9 year olds are perfectly capable of entertaining themselves for a couple of hours until 9am / 9:30 unless they have SEN.

I have. This is called creating problems. He says I'm at home anyway so why wouldn't I want to watch her? She is polite, easygoing and also loves spending time with me so she won't be a burden, I will only need to give her some food, which isn't too much to ask. And I've to appreciate he is working hard and this is for our future.

He's taking the piss and he is designated you as the slave/maid/mother who attends to his daughter while he sleeps until 12 pm. You're not a priority to him, all you are is a convenient babysitter. Tbh, I'd end it. You've tried and tried to communicate your unhappiness to him, he doesn't give a shit. He won't change, he doesn't care how you feel and he gaslights you to make you think your justified feelings and needs are not important. He, is the one being selfish, and he is using you. You are not important to him, you are just the glorified babysitter. You're not even married or even living together as a couple and already he is treating you as the housewife and childminder. He has no respect for you, your needs, your boundaries. You are simply a maid and babysitter. I doubt he even actually likes you other than as his maid and babysitter. Get out now before you move in and get further enmeshed in doing his parenting for him. If he's like this when you're not even living together as a couple, imagine what he will be like when you are? He will not change. You deserve better than being the maid and babysitter and getting shit all in return. You deserve an actual relationship, a mutually respectful relationship. He won't give you this because he has no respect for you or consideration for your needs.

I would text him and say something like "I'm not happy in this relationship, I've tried and tried to communicate with you but all you've done is gaslight me to think I am wrong for having needs and boundaries. Right from the fact that I am the last person ever consulted on if your daughter stays with me, through to me having no time with you, to you sleeping in until 12pm making me the glorified babysitter to a child I have absolutely no relationship to, shows my feelings and needs are not a priority to you. I'm not her stepmother, I am simply her dad's girlfriend. It's clear you won't change and will continue to treat me as the glorified babysitter without any needs of my own. We want different things and you are unable to communicate or put anyone's needs before your own. I deserve better than this. We're over. Goodluck getting another maid/babysitter, but it sure won't be me."

He's taking the piss , is he trying to avoid paying CMS? If I was the DDs mum I would be fuming he's trying to palm her off on a girlfriend.

@Laneyy

Her mum isn't bothered really. She is too busy to spend time with DD when she is there so she is more than happy for DP to have DD as much as he wants. They also have a private arrangement for the child maintenance and the number of nights spent at DP's doesn't impact it.

And I've to appreciate he is working hard and this is for our future.

Hmm, but is this the future you want?

And what plans are there, solidly, for you as a couple?

Do you see yourself being step-mum and doing childcare, so he can work more?

It's very common for women to be expected to take the hit career-wise for family, seems like he thinks that because you can work from home, you'd be able to take up his slack. But it's an unfair and sexist division of labour at the best of times, and do you want that when it's not even your own child?

This is mental.

The bloke’s got a daughter.

That’s it. End of story.

You fit in around her, or you ship out.