Is this reality of having a step child?

[Haloweensmile]

I struggle to find myself in this set up and would be grateful for any advice.

How much control do you have over your life since you are in a relationship with someone with children?

DP seems to want me to spend every day with him and his DD (9). The problem is I start to feel used and that I have lost a control over my own life.

DP's DD is with him every weekend. He wants me to be there with them both all the time as he sees this as the best quality time. I don't. For me, this time is a source of stress and increased anxiety to the point of sleepless nights. We have been together 2 years and we spend less and less time just 2 of us, DD seems to be here all the time now when DP isn't at work. He works shifts- a dayshift, back shift and night shift. I hardly see him in the weeks when he does back shifts and night shifts. He used to find time for dates, he used to find time for just th 2 of us, he used to want to visit me in my own house. Now he decided to save money and do a lot of overtime so everything has taken a back seat.

I want to spend a weekend alone - I'm told I'm selfish and he feels I want to punish him by withdrawing myself
I want him to visit me more - instead he insists on me spending weeks at his house, because it is easier for me as I can work from home. I'm 35, I'm so tired of living on the suitcases and being thorn between two homes
I wanted him to put DD earlier to bed last weekend so we can watch a movie together - I'm told I'm being difficult and I'm creating problems when he only wants to spend some time with his DD. And of course that I shouldn't be jealous.
Me saying to him that I need some time just the 2 of us and that 3hrs every other weekend just doesn't cut it, is met with the comments that I'm creating problems because we would have an ideal time with his DD.
At the weekends when I'm there he sleeps until 12pm on Sundays. DD is playing on her own coming to our bedroom starring at me until I get up and play with her...and then they watch movies until late because he wants to spend time with her. She is following him all the time, it extreme to the point when I feel I need to step back because DP doesn't have any personal space.

I'm off tomorrow, so is DP. I ask him maybe we would go out for a meal....He says yes of course but we are taking his DD as he is picking her up from school tomorrow and he wants her to spend a night here so he can drop her off to school on Friday. It's additional and she normally would be over from Friday after school until Monday morning. He is making his own plans and I'm expected to suck it up, get on with it and be grateful but when I want to do something different I'm told I'm unreasonable for not wanting to spend time together.

Am I being difficult? I know he wants to spend some time with DD but can we ever be a priority?

I haven't read the full thread but why can't you just say no? Don't go to his at the weekend. Do something for yourself. See friends. Go to a spa. Just sit at home in your own comforts with no obligations to anyone else. Let him parent his dd alone and see how much he enjoys being the lone parent. There is nothing unreasonable about telling him you want a weekend to yourself, even if his dd wasn't in the equation it's still fine for you to do that.

Ooh ‘it’s for our future’. What future is that? ‘Time enough for the savings to be joint when we decide we are at that stage Jack, you keep it for now.’
my dp at a little over 20 wanted to do an activity and told me it was for us. I said well I will never see you if you do it and I don’t want you to and you’d love to do it whether I exist or not so that’s all bullshit isn’t it? It’s a line they learn to justify being selfish… (mine grew up, I’m sorry yours looks like that might not happen)

@deeperthanallroses yea, I love the saving for OUR future in MY bank account.

My dear friends idiot sister refused to hear a word said to her when her boyfriend moved into HER house, at NO cost as HE was saving for their future home and wedding.

He strung her along for 8 years until he just didn't feel she was the one anymore and went off and married another woman within 12 months.

He lived off her for the whole time they were together saving for THEM, and at the time she reckoned he banked anything from a 100k+ by living with her and using HER car.

She couldn't be told, and my friend privately was extremely pissed off at all the upset she put her parents and the family through, with her stupidity.

Any man who is using you for housing, childcare.,etc. and is saving himself money, childcare costs, ........is NEVER a good bet long term.

They are users.......and users are 10 a penny.

All those years he saved for THEM, was instantly for HIM, the minute the relationship was over, and he quickly packed his bags and moved out.

Unfortunately some women refused to see it and have to be used for years before the penny eventually drops.

The OP is with a nasty user.

I hope for her sake the penny drops.
She will bitterly regret it if it doesn't.

You get into a relationship with someone who has children allready and you don't, then what you have described is normal and you just need to deal with it as it will never change, for the reasons you have listed many will not get into a relationship with someone who allready has kids as you are currently experiencing first hand of all the hassle/dramas/problems/free time/priorities are completetly different to your child free lifestyle and as soon n as you say anything or don't want to do something family orientated you will be guilt tripped and branded as selfish and horrible, we have all been there, my only advice is to leave and find someone who has a child free lifestyle like yours.

Leave. It is over. He is done romancing you and now wants free live in nanny with sex on the side.

Dump him. He's taking the piss

I don't mind the fact he has a child and is working shifts. It makes things more difficult, although not impossible.

The thing is im tired of being the one person who tries to facilitate it all whilst having a healthy relationship. I know I make his life easier but I have realised I don't get much in exchange. For all the effort and patience I put in our relationship and in relationship with his DD I get more stress and sleepless nights and I get told that my needs are a problem and that I'm difficult because I have any.

For a moment I was thinking he started doing so many overtimes because I earn more, and maybe he felt strange for this reason. I have been on mumsnet long enough to see a few stories of men taking financial advantage of women, selling them ideal future together which will never happen, so mindful of that.

Ah. Of course you earn more!

Men like this commonly look
for a woman who will provide wifework, childcare and financial security for him. The full package of support.

And he offers bugger in return.

Get rid of this disrespectful arsehole. Tell him you're too selfish to be in a relationship with him. If he protests tell him to stop creating problems.

Yes. @pinkyredrose . ‘You’re right I’m too selfish for this to work’ is probably the best get out.
Do not apologise, criticise or explain. Just get out with as little engagement as possible.

If you don't want to involved in parenting his children you need to leave the relationship because his children are always going to be in his life.

Hands up who hasn't read the thread.

The thing is im tired of being the one person who tries to facilitate it all whilst having a healthy relationship. I know I make his life easier but I have realised I don't get much in exchange. For all the effort and patience I put in our relationship and in relationship with his DD I get more stress and sleepless nights and I get told that my needs are a problem and that I'm difficult because I have any.
But OP ... how DARE you want a healthy relationship & your own needs met?
It's frankly shocking to him that his domestic appliance is playing up.
Domestic appliances are there to serve, not to bang on about needing sleep or time to themselves.

For a moment I was thinking he started doing so many overtimes because I earn more, and maybe he felt strange for this reason.
Er .... I don't think so.
He saw the opportunity to earn more for himself once he had you hooked in to Default Nanny mode. All the money for him, all the work for you, & he doesn't even need to think about childcare logistics or costs.
That's why he gets angry & calls you selfish & a problem-maker when you want time for yourself. Far easier to coercively control you into providing service, than have to plan for it or pay for it himself.

I have been on mumsnet long enough to see a few stories of men taking financial advantage of women, selling them ideal future together which will never happen, so mindful of that.
Yes I was interested to read his mouthings about how he's only working overtime to save for YOUR future together. Surprise me - is this miraculous savings pot in a joint account?
He's a Future Faker.
And he Love Bombed his way into your good books for his own convenience.

What are your plans for this weekend OP?
I hope - no!, strongly recommened! - you spend the entirety of it in your own home, having your own space, routine, relaxation & treats.

If he has the fucking brass neck to question you, control you, or make you feel bad about that - just tell him "I'm not available" then put him on mute & do not respond to any harassment.

Second this, but I think there's been a pronoun fail.
Tell him HE's too selfish to be in a relationship with.

It's outrageous that he guilt trips you about the child he can't be arsed to get up for on weekend mornings. Astounding. You've been gaslit about this & need to get angry enough to see it for what it is.

In a nutsell.

He's a nasty controlling loser that's using you and making an idiot out of you.

You have been warned.

Get some counselling before its too late.

@Haloweensmile Are you still with him? Have you not yet told him to get to fuck and stop treating you like shit and like his unpaid nanny?

Forget the money. You're not getting what this is about. He has absolutely no respect for you, he doesn't love you or care about you, you are simply free child care for him. When are you going to send the blistering text that he has had his last day of using you and treating you like shit?

I would start to live the way you want to (stay at your house when you want, go for days out when you want, see him when you want [if he's available]), and see whether the relationship survives.

Here's the thing: regardless of why he's doing it, he thinks it's OK so it's not going to change. In other words, you are 'wrong', he is 'right', now just shut up and be a good girlfriend and do what he says.

So, are you content to live with a controlling man who wants a "Nanny with a fanny" so he can abdicate his parental care duties at will or to live with a controlling man who expects you to be free childcare so he can 'make more money' and is too lazy or too tight to sort out paid childcare? The way I see it neither of those options truly benefits you, does it?

The third option is; end it with him and free yourself up to find someone without children OR someone with children who understands that there are ways to balance parental responsibility with a relationship. In the second scenario you'll still have to understand that the children come first, but you won't be expected to pick up the man's slack or be de facto childcare.

How are things @Haloweensmile hope you’re ok