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Original poster

Is this reality of having a step child?

244 replies

Haloweensmile · 16/11/2022 18:38

I struggle to find myself in this set up and would be grateful for any advice.

How much control do you have over your life since you are in a relationship with someone with children?

DP seems to want me to spend every day with him and his DD (9). The problem is I start to feel used and that I have lost a control over my own life.

DP's DD is with him every weekend. He wants me to be there with them both all the time as he sees this as the best quality time. I don't. For me, this time is a source of stress and increased anxiety to the point of sleepless nights. We have been together 2 years and we spend less and less time just 2 of us, DD seems to be here all the time now when DP isn't at work. He works shifts- a dayshift, back shift and night shift. I hardly see him in the weeks when he does back shifts and night shifts. He used to find time for dates, he used to find time for just th 2 of us, he used to want to visit me in my own house. Now he decided to save money and do a lot of overtime so everything has taken a back seat.

I want to spend a weekend alone - I'm told I'm selfish and he feels I want to punish him by withdrawing myself
I want him to visit me more - instead he insists on me spending weeks at his house, because it is easier for me as I can work from home. I'm 35, I'm so tired of living on the suitcases and being thorn between two homes
I wanted him to put DD earlier to bed last weekend so we can watch a movie together - I'm told I'm being difficult and I'm creating problems when he only wants to spend some time with his DD. And of course that I shouldn't be jealous.
Me saying to him that I need some time just the 2 of us and that 3hrs every other weekend just doesn't cut it, is met with the comments that I'm creating problems because we would have an ideal time with his DD.
At the weekends when I'm there he sleeps until 12pm on Sundays. DD is playing on her own coming to our bedroom starring at me until I get up and play with her...and then they watch movies until late because he wants to spend time with her. She is following him all the time, it extreme to the point when I feel I need to step back because DP doesn't have any personal space.

I'm off tomorrow, so is DP. I ask him maybe we would go out for a meal....He says yes of course but we are taking his DD as he is picking her up from school tomorrow and he wants her to spend a night here so he can drop her off to school on Friday. It's additional and she normally would be over from Friday after school until Monday morning. He is making his own plans and I'm expected to suck it up, get on with it and be grateful but when I want to do something different I'm told I'm unreasonable for not wanting to spend time together.

Am I being difficult? I know he wants to spend some time with DD but can we ever be a priority?

OP posts:
SudocremOnEverything · 17/11/2022 09:49

Haloweensmile · 17/11/2022 09:28

I have. This is called creating problems. He says I'm at home anyway so why wouldn't I want to watch her? She is polite, easygoing and also loves spending time with me so she won't be a burden, I will only need to give her some food, which isn't too much to ask. And I've to appreciate he is working hard and this is for our future.

Show quote history

You’re NOT at home though. You have to visit him (living out of a suitcase) so he can dump his DD on you and fuck off to work.

You don’t live together. You’re not married. He’s using you as free childcare while he builds his own future.

The other red flags are that you’re just expected to comply or made to feel guilty. Even the simple fact that the child’s mother seems quite happy never to spend any weekend time with her daughter (and us happy that you’re left with the childcare while neither parent spends time with their child) is a red flag frankly.

The whole set up is shit for you. And you deserve far, far better.

The child is being used as a distraction so you can’t recognise or challenge dreadful behaviour. That’s awful (and sadly not unusual).

SudocremOnEverything · 17/11/2022 09:51

Sep200024 · 17/11/2022 09:46

This is mental.

The bloke’s got a daughter.

That’s it. End of story.

You fit in around her, or you ship out.

Jesus wept.

what about the child’s parents actually parenting their daughter?

Do people just see (step)child and turn their thinking skills off?

Clymene · 17/11/2022 09:52

He is working for his future. Not yours.

Herejustforthisone · 17/11/2022 09:54

Haloweensmile · 17/11/2022 09:28

I have. This is called creating problems. He says I'm at home anyway so why wouldn't I want to watch her? She is polite, easygoing and also loves spending time with me so she won't be a burden, I will only need to give her some food, which isn't too much to ask. And I've to appreciate he is working hard and this is for our future.

Show quote history

Omg run. He’s a prick.

Sep200024 · 17/11/2022 09:58

His daughter comes first.

That’s the end of it.

As an adult, you have choices and can make your own life decisions.

She can’t.

category12 · 17/11/2022 09:58

At least it's very clear what life would be like if you did move in together.

His work = important
Your time = his to arrange and use without consultation
Your work = fits in somehow
Your energy = his to use, never inconvenience for himself

Do with that information what you will.

category12 · 17/11/2022 10:00

Sep200024 · 17/11/2022 09:58

His daughter comes first.

That’s the end of it.

As an adult, you have choices and can make your own life decisions.

She can’t.

It's a shame he doesn't put his daughter first then, isn't it?

If he did, he'd be getting up and feeding her.

Inasec24 · 17/11/2022 10:01

He wants the 3 of you to be a family unit - like he broke up with her mum so is now looking for you to fill that partner/mum role. The one that enables him to be a dad but also sleep in until midday and stay in his own house all the time.

That doesn't work for you, obviously - it wouldn't work for me either.

Walk away.

Sep200024 · 17/11/2022 10:04

But, as a mum, you would get up and put your daughter first, regardless.

If you don’t want to do this, then don’t get seriously involved with a bloke who has kids.

As usual, it’s the children that suffer whilst adults all piss about trying to get the best for themselves out of a situation.

Letthesunshineonin · 17/11/2022 10:04

You need to walk away. He is taking the piss.

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 17/11/2022 10:10

Sep200024 · 17/11/2022 09:58

His daughter comes first.

That’s the end of it.

As an adult, you have choices and can make your own life decisions.

She can’t.

It's a pity his daughter didn't come first with him, instead of USING the OP as a maid/slave and babysitter. Fuck that for a joke. The 'father' needs to parent his own child instead of looking for easy prey to look after his child for him and getting nothing in return. So glad you recognise his daughter comes first. Too bad her own pig of a father doesn't recognise that.

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 17/11/2022 10:11

Sep200024 · 17/11/2022 10:04

But, as a mum, you would get up and put your daughter first, regardless.

If you don’t want to do this, then don’t get seriously involved with a bloke who has kids.

As usual, it’s the children that suffer whilst adults all piss about trying to get the best for themselves out of a situation.

She is NOT her daughter, she isn't even her stepdaughter. She's just her boyfriend's kid. That's all.

As FATHER, he should get up and put his daughter first, instead of lying in bed til midday.

category12 · 17/11/2022 10:12

Sep200024 · 17/11/2022 10:04

But, as a mum, you would get up and put your daughter first, regardless.

If you don’t want to do this, then don’t get seriously involved with a bloke who has kids.

As usual, it’s the children that suffer whilst adults all piss about trying to get the best for themselves out of a situation.

But she's not a mum, she's not a step-mum, she doesn't live with the child's father, she's a girlfriend.

His responsibility is to his daughter.

If she were a man, no-one would be saying to her, "oh yes, suck it up, the mum needs her rest, she's working, you look after the child in the mornings". 🙄

Sep200024 · 17/11/2022 10:13

But she wants to be in a serious relationship with the man, and have his time on the weekends?!!

You don’t get that when you’re a parent.

category12 · 17/11/2022 10:17

Sep200024 · 17/11/2022 10:13

But she wants to be in a serious relationship with the man, and have his time on the weekends?!!

You don’t get that when you’re a parent.

He does, he gets it all ways.

He gets to keep his dd up late playing Disney dad, then he sleeps in, getting his girlfriend to step up to his responsibility.

bjrce · 17/11/2022 10:17

I remember when I was in my twenties, free and single, we went out every weekend. One of our friends had a DP, he had 2DC.

One Friday night we were all chatting about where we were going out and what time we'd met up.
Friend announces , she can't come out as she was minding his DC, he was in a band so he was working that night.

I always remember we all looked shocked. Even at that young age I remember thinking that's a situation I'd never get myself into. In fairness the penny dropped for our friend shortly after and she broke up with him, for many additional reasons.

I know you've been with your DP 2 years and probably have very strong feelings for him. But, he is telling you who he is - Its not going to get better.
The fact that his ex is happy not to have her DC any weekend is a huge red flag.

It looks like you are going all the grunt work for the two parents.

Be warned!

shiningstar2 · 17/11/2022 10:17

Your situation is compounded by your partners shift pattern. My DH worked this shift pattern for a time when our DD was a child and it made things very difficult even though we were married and both were the parents. You only have one week in three when you have evenings free and because everything changes every week on a three week rotation it's difficult to find time together and difficult for you to do other things because you inevitably fit around his shift patterns even before you fit a child into the mix. I think you need to find other things to do so that you are not always available
Shifts and overtime also mess with your partner's time clock and he is probably permanently tired and if you establish a hobby on a set day of the week you lose time with him when he only has one week in three with evenings available, that's without counting the overtime
It's hard to know how this situation can be improved but your needs do need prioritising. The only thing I can suggest is him cutting the overtime on days when his DD isn't with him so you can do something together that's not too taxing for him like a meal out or cinema. Even a walk on a beach and coffee in the morning or breakfast out when he's on backshift.
These shift patterns are a nightmare and it will take a real effort on his part. If he isn't prepared to put the effort in I think you need to consider your future together. 💐

JennyNotFromTheBlock · 17/11/2022 10:26

Sep200024 · 17/11/2022 10:13

But she wants to be in a serious relationship with the man, and have his time on the weekends?!!

You don’t get that when you’re a parent.

She is NOT....A....PARENT.

slowquickstep · 17/11/2022 10:34

Your Boyfriend wants childcare and you are it.

RedAppleGirl · 17/11/2022 10:53

This is the gist of the reality yes. DP has his children 50% of the time, nearly all our time revolves around being a family unit. I do get to spend time away with my family and friends however he always prioritizes his children.
There have been arguments about parenting but I think that's par for the course.

I feel you'd be better off single or meeting someone who has no children.

cordelia16 · 17/11/2022 10:57

Haloweensmile · 17/11/2022 09:28

I have. This is called creating problems. He says I'm at home anyway so why wouldn't I want to watch her? She is polite, easygoing and also loves spending time with me so she won't be a burden, I will only need to give her some food, which isn't too much to ask. And I've to appreciate he is working hard and this is for our future.

Show quote history

But it's not your home, is it? Unless I read your OP wrong.

So why should you be at his home, watching his child, while he works?

Schlaar · 17/11/2022 11:01

He sounds like a terrible parent. What parent lies in bed till 12pm when they have kids to look after?! This is what you can expect if you have a baby together - him lying in bed till 12pm while you look after the baby. Honestly he sounds useless and there’s no future in it - bin him!

TheTeddyBears · 17/11/2022 11:01

I'd say yes it is the reality. You should just end it. You don't sound interested in his daughter and she is his priority at the end of the day. He sounds like a good dad.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 17/11/2022 11:03

TheTeddyBears · 17/11/2022 11:01

I'd say yes it is the reality. You should just end it. You don't sound interested in his daughter and she is his priority at the end of the day. He sounds like a good dad.

A good dad to you lays in bed till 12pm? Really? That is a GOOD dad?

Ignored his child then keeps her up late watching films?

Why is your bar so low for Dads?

SudocremOnEverything · 17/11/2022 11:04

TheTeddyBears · 17/11/2022 11:01

I'd say yes it is the reality. You should just end it. You don't sound interested in his daughter and she is his priority at the end of the day. He sounds like a good dad.

What part of it actually sounds like a good dad?

being unconscious til noon and leaving his GF to look after his kid?

putting his Disney dad wants over a sensible routine for his child?

the bar is on the fucking ground for men.