Is this reality of having a step child?

[Haloweensmile]

I struggle to find myself in this set up and would be grateful for any advice.

How much control do you have over your life since you are in a relationship with someone with children?

DP seems to want me to spend every day with him and his DD (9). The problem is I start to feel used and that I have lost a control over my own life.

DP's DD is with him every weekend. He wants me to be there with them both all the time as he sees this as the best quality time. I don't. For me, this time is a source of stress and increased anxiety to the point of sleepless nights. We have been together 2 years and we spend less and less time just 2 of us, DD seems to be here all the time now when DP isn't at work. He works shifts- a dayshift, back shift and night shift. I hardly see him in the weeks when he does back shifts and night shifts. He used to find time for dates, he used to find time for just th 2 of us, he used to want to visit me in my own house. Now he decided to save money and do a lot of overtime so everything has taken a back seat.

I want to spend a weekend alone - I'm told I'm selfish and he feels I want to punish him by withdrawing myself
I want him to visit me more - instead he insists on me spending weeks at his house, because it is easier for me as I can work from home. I'm 35, I'm so tired of living on the suitcases and being thorn between two homes
I wanted him to put DD earlier to bed last weekend so we can watch a movie together - I'm told I'm being difficult and I'm creating problems when he only wants to spend some time with his DD. And of course that I shouldn't be jealous.
Me saying to him that I need some time just the 2 of us and that 3hrs every other weekend just doesn't cut it, is met with the comments that I'm creating problems because we would have an ideal time with his DD.
At the weekends when I'm there he sleeps until 12pm on Sundays. DD is playing on her own coming to our bedroom starring at me until I get up and play with her...and then they watch movies until late because he wants to spend time with her. She is following him all the time, it extreme to the point when I feel I need to step back because DP doesn't have any personal space.

I'm off tomorrow, so is DP. I ask him maybe we would go out for a meal....He says yes of course but we are taking his DD as he is picking her up from school tomorrow and he wants her to spend a night here so he can drop her off to school on Friday. It's additional and she normally would be over from Friday after school until Monday morning. He is making his own plans and I'm expected to suck it up, get on with it and be grateful but when I want to do something different I'm told I'm unreasonable for not wanting to spend time together.

Am I being difficult? I know he wants to spend some time with DD but can we ever be a priority?

Having his dd every weekend doesn't make him a good dad. Good that he wants to spend time with her but relationships need nurturing and he's neglecting yours. It won't get any better so I'd leave them to it and meet someone who is either able to find a balance or who doesn't have kids.

His daughter will always be in his life. He sounds like an involved dad so if you don't want to be part of that set up, leave.

You don’t even live together so I don’t understand why he expects you to spend all weekend with his DD. The fact he won’t let you have a weekend to yourself, refuses to get up with his DD and has you filling the gap plus won’t make any time for you when she isn’t there tells you he is taking the Mickey and has no respect for you. He is using you, bin him and his childcare assistant role.

This. This was exactly how it was with my ex. I was always, always second choice. I hated not being able to spend adult time together, everything was with his DCs. They lived with him 100% of the time and never visited their DM, he hated to leave them for one minute, so it got really lonely, boring, and tedious to be with him. Eventually I got resentful and we ended things. He wanted to play happy family, and i wanted more adult alone time and I didn't want to be a "stepmother", we had different wants/needs so it wasn't going to work out.

Fuck that. He’s priming you to be step-mummy, and the one who gets up with her early (you’re already doing that) while he lies in, entertains her, feeds her, does all the shitty grunt work…

I know that you can do way better than this nonsense OP. Get rid of him. This is not a relationship.

Yes, people can say “you knew he had a child” but he had no business starting a relationship with you when he clearly doesn’t have time for one.

If he wants to devote all of his free time with his daughter (when he’s not lazing around in bed all morning of course!) then that’s fine. He just shouldn’t have a girlfriend. Maybe he could get himself a nanny instead.

I knew he had a child. Absolutely.
But if he wants me to basically live at his, whatever his plans are, they are going to affect me too. I wouldn't say to him that he should be spending time with me instead of his DD, but I would want him to tell me that DD will be around on extra day and if he wants to have any relationship, he should be finding time for it.

Yes I do get up with her, I give her a breakfast, I play with her whilst he sleeps. I would feel bad for leaving her alone when I know how much she likes to spend time with me.

It feels like he wants me to treat his DD as if she was my own, he would tell me what don't I go and cuddle DD and give her a kiss goodnight. I'm not ready. What if I will never be?

She's with him from Fri evening till Monday morning that's practically 50% of the time. Of course he lives with her!

He's laying in till 12 expecting OP to see to his daughter, it's not on.

I'm betting that he doesn't spend as much time alone with his DD when single. He wants you to help out, keep him company while he has his DD, because guess what, looking after a child on your own all the time can be downright boring at times. There, I said it, as a single parent - though he's grown up now. It's a fact, but the other fact is that it's part of what you sign up for when becoming a parent, so you've got to suck that aspect up and not expect to rely on someone who is not the other parent. It's not your problem, and he needs a dose of realism.
You are not being selfish, he's got a downright cheek relying on you. I did it for years with my own DC, but I wouldn't expect anyone else to do what he's asking of you, and I would not put up with it for someone else's DC.
Take all the time you like to see your own friends, it's fair. You've got sucked into this by stealth. Do you have a distance between you? There's no reason to stay at his for long periods otherwise.
If he has his DC, but you want to go out at the weekend, it's totally fine, parents go out with their mates individually when in a healthy relationship.

A thing that was particularly worrying was his little strop when you said you wanted a weekend in your own home. He doesn’t give a shit about your feelings and your wants, he sounds a bit manipulative, and he isn’t giving too much of a shit about his daughter either as he’s forcing a woman into her life. It’s all about him.

You can do much, much better.

I wouldn’t be spending any of my time on this “relationship”. He shouldn’t be expecting you to give up all of your weekends and free time in his house with his child.

You could be doing all kinds of exciting things OP and you’re wasting your life on this person. He doesn’t think enough of you to make any time for you. This is the truth of it.

You’re obviously a good person or you wouldn’t be feeling the way you are, but this man is using you. For company, sex and childcare.

From a practical point of view this is easy. You don’t live together so you could end this today. This is not going to change and he is not going to change. The only person who can change this situation is you.

I know it’s hard when you have feelings for them but imagine another year of this, another ten years? Think what you could be missing out on.

He hooked you in because you are kind and nice and now he has got a woman who can do the donkey work while he has lie in, he's very happy with the status quo!

He doesn't want or need to hear you have needs of your own, his needs come first, then his daughter's. You job is to make their lives easier.

He is using you as a free babysitter, cook and cleaner.

Most men in his situation look around and grab the most available woman to use in this way.

He is being honest. You are not his priority and never will be.

Find a boyfriend without children who loves you and doesn't want to
use you.

I think he doesn’t want you to spend weekends by yourself because he doesn’t want to have to do things with just his DD; it’s much more preferable to have another adult there and I get that but you don’t have to be manipulated into being there for convenience.
It does sound like he sold you the idea of a certain type of lifestyle and now you’re committed it’s turned into something very different without any discussion with you; that’s not fair and I’m not surprised you’re unhappy.
I always really enjoyed the weekends we had DSD but I also really valued our weekends just me snd DH and really the foundations of our relationship are built on the time we had just us and I’m not sort I would have stayed if our lives had been how you described.

Op there is no shame in saying you don't want this life.. I had dc and my exh had dc. I hated the way he was around his dc.
The relief when we split was immense. Absolutely nothing to do with any of our dc but a great bonus I was no longer a sm.

He wants a ready made step mother, child carer and housewife for when his DD is there. I would let him go and meet a man who is free to be with you - this one really isn't. He seems to have nothing at all to offer you.

@Haloweensmile you are not being unreasonable at all. Why would he get into a relationship with you then completely shut down your needs just because he has a child? Yes his child should be his priority but only to an extent, if he’s also in a relationship he should consider you too! And why doesn’t he want some one on one adult time with you sometimes too?? I don’t think this will get any better so I would say to him you feel used and taken for granted and you don’t think it’s going to work

just refuse to go over there all the time. You are meant to be his gf, not his unpaid nanny.

He wants you around to help him out, get up with his DD so he can lounge in bed all morning. I personally would end the relationship as he won’t get back to how he was at the start of the relationship. He just expects you to slot in as step mum so he doesn’t have to parent alone. That’s why he’s so annoyed when you want a weekend to yourself. Which is perfectly reasonable given you don’t have any children yet. I’d be ending things now

You're feeling used, because - you are being used.

"I want him to visit me more - instead he insists on me spending weeks at his house, because it is easier for me as I can work from home. I'm 35, I'm so tired of living on the suitcases and being thorn between two homes"

Tell him you won't be at his this weekend, you have things to do. 'But hey, you and your daughter can have a lovely time just your two selves. Enjoy!' Because he can't actually make you live out of a suitcase. You have to agree to put your stuff in a bag and then physically transport yourself to his. You do have a CHOICE here. You just don't see it. You don't see that him 'insisting' is just him manipulating you into thinking you have no choice but to do what he wants. You don't - you have a choice. And it involves deploying the word 'NO'. And next week, don't spend time there either. He can come visit you, but you've got thing to do and want to be at home to do them.

Practice this sentence in front of a mirror:
'Of course you have to go back to your home for your daughter, that's a given. But right now I need / want / choose to be in my home, so I'll see you next week when you're free.'

You do have a choice.

Parents and their children are a package deal. You don't get one without the other, and to even IMAGINE that to be the case is folly. Not only that, if you are to be with a parent (non-custodial) and something awful happens to the custodial parent, that kid or those kids are coming to live with their remaining parent.

Bottom line, if you don't want to play a mother role to another woman's brats, then keep it moving and do not ever again date a man who has minor children still living at home.

Yes, it’s manipulative - calling you selfish because you want to spend time on your own, and getting you round to his all the time because this is apparently easier for you (? Easier for him as he can laze in bed now till noon - if he wanted to spend time with his DD, he should be up in the morning and doing it at a child-friendly time, but he is relying on you).
I am a single parent and I want to spend my free no -work time doing things with my DC. Therefore I don’t date. I certainly don’t expect someone else to come and look after them when I am asleep. So for those of you who are saying it is good that he is prioritising his DD, he is not really, he is roping someone else into his domestic life when they are not ready and he is doing so by emotional manipulation.
And the longer you stay, the harder it gets to leave because you know the DD likes you, you are playing a role in her life and he will start to play on that too. Been there, done that, bought the T-shirt. Another reason I am single,

Cannot understand why anyone without children would form a relationship with someone with kids from a previous.

You should end the relationship, you will never get what you want from him.

Tell him you're busy this weekend.

You're just being used for free childcare.

You don’t live together, you’re not engaged, not married so you should be ‘dating’ except you’re not. He’s not doing anything nice with you or looking after your relationship. In the bin with him.