Is this reality of having a step child?

[Haloweensmile]

I struggle to find myself in this set up and would be grateful for any advice.

How much control do you have over your life since you are in a relationship with someone with children?

DP seems to want me to spend every day with him and his DD (9). The problem is I start to feel used and that I have lost a control over my own life.

DP's DD is with him every weekend. He wants me to be there with them both all the time as he sees this as the best quality time. I don't. For me, this time is a source of stress and increased anxiety to the point of sleepless nights. We have been together 2 years and we spend less and less time just 2 of us, DD seems to be here all the time now when DP isn't at work. He works shifts- a dayshift, back shift and night shift. I hardly see him in the weeks when he does back shifts and night shifts. He used to find time for dates, he used to find time for just th 2 of us, he used to want to visit me in my own house. Now he decided to save money and do a lot of overtime so everything has taken a back seat.

I want to spend a weekend alone - I'm told I'm selfish and he feels I want to punish him by withdrawing myself
I want him to visit me more - instead he insists on me spending weeks at his house, because it is easier for me as I can work from home. I'm 35, I'm so tired of living on the suitcases and being thorn between two homes
I wanted him to put DD earlier to bed last weekend so we can watch a movie together - I'm told I'm being difficult and I'm creating problems when he only wants to spend some time with his DD. And of course that I shouldn't be jealous.
Me saying to him that I need some time just the 2 of us and that 3hrs every other weekend just doesn't cut it, is met with the comments that I'm creating problems because we would have an ideal time with his DD.
At the weekends when I'm there he sleeps until 12pm on Sundays. DD is playing on her own coming to our bedroom starring at me until I get up and play with her...and then they watch movies until late because he wants to spend time with her. She is following him all the time, it extreme to the point when I feel I need to step back because DP doesn't have any personal space.

I'm off tomorrow, so is DP. I ask him maybe we would go out for a meal....He says yes of course but we are taking his DD as he is picking her up from school tomorrow and he wants her to spend a night here so he can drop her off to school on Friday. It's additional and she normally would be over from Friday after school until Monday morning. He is making his own plans and I'm expected to suck it up, get on with it and be grateful but when I want to do something different I'm told I'm unreasonable for not wanting to spend time together.

Am I being difficult? I know he wants to spend some time with DD but can we ever be a priority?

@JOCASTA
That's a very sad description of a step parent.
My OH is stepdad to my 3 kids. It took a bit of time for both of us to agree how we were going to parent despite the kids being line biologically. He was brought up differently so our parenting had elements of both our styles. He is a huge part of their lives and they do see their dad regularly but to me we are a team. I expect him to pull his weight with them and the house as we both work so I have to listen to him and my parenting has adapted accordingly. It's a two way street with us. When we got together that was the deal though and he knew that and accepted it happily.

He is looking for a stepmother but you’re obviously resentful and it’s not the right relationship for you. Find somebody single who can give you the attention

Eh? The OP gets up because the girl is looking at her. He doesn't ask her to do that. The girl is 9-years-old, she doesn't need babysat by the OP.

He’s not looking for a stepmother; he appears to be looking for an unpaid nanny/housekeeper with benefits. As is so often the case.

It’s not ‘just family life’ that he’s expecting his girlfriend to get up with his child so he can have a long lie in.

It is unreasonable to expect his girlfriend to look after his daughter every weekend so he can sleep in.

If it was reversed there is no bloody way people would be telling a bloke that it's fine that the child's mum sleeps in every morning while he looks after her daughter.

OP is not this child's step-mum, she doesn't live with the guy - she's the girlfriend.

He's not prioritising his daughter, if he were, he'd have the child to bed at a reasonable time and get up at a reasonable time in the morning with her. Instead he's doing a Disney dad thing of letting her stay up all hours and then letting the woman pick up the slack in the mornings.

Hm. Really, you take on the family unit as a unit. Or, steer clear of dating someone with children and certainly moving in with them and definitely contemplating having a child with them.

You haven't really got a stepdaughter (yet) as such, you aren't taking on a parenting role by the sound of it, and you haven't been together long. It's a good thing that the DD is spending more time with her Dad, and if you want the relationship to continue you are her Dad need to find a way to compromise on how much time you spend with them, and if you can't discuss these important things, it's not really the right relationship is it?

(Btw I've lived in a blended family myself for a long time, as one of the several parents in the situation.)

Given he already had his daughter when you met him, I will say you're being unreasonable.

You don't sound suited. Of course his daughter comes first. She comes as part of the package so to speak.

Find someone single with no kids. Simple.

This x 100

Does the child see you in a motherly capacity? If she does, or is starting too and you have no intention to fulfil that role then you need to be clear with your DP that this won’t happen. Unfortunately it will be the child that gets hurt if roles aren’t clearly defined. It might be a hard conversation to have but one that you need to do.

Ah. The patriarchy.

Children are women’s work. It would be ridiculous to expect a woman not to take on the childcare and wife work.

Silly OP for expecting to be treated as something other than a household appliance.

This is not what step parenting should be, no. My partner would never ever begrudge me time alone or so much as suggest I shouldn’t take it. He values this time he has alone with his kids as much (if not more) as the time with me and my DS because he’s a brilliant, actively involved dad who does all the hard stuff (like waking up at the crack of dawn, sick days, doctors appointments, dentists etc.) and not just the fun stuff like movies. I respect and love him for this and I choose to see his children because I want to as we all have a great time when we are together.

After a tough holiday that went wrong at every turn, I did once choose to back off for a week, but he never quibbled with me over it and let me have my space. Ultimately that did the world of good as I missed my step-kids and realised that backing away more in general wasn’t what I wanted. Basically, taking space and time to think is often the best way to solve problems and you need it in all relationships but especially those with children involved.

if you feel undervalued and not prioritised then you should leave the relationship.

@BadNomad Rubbish. The OP gets stared at because this girl knows the OP will actually get up with her. She has already worked out, at 9, that her Dad is a waste of space in the morning.

And it would be a sad day if both the OP and the child's Dad stayed in bed till noon because a 9yr old 'doesn't need watching'

So pathetic the excuses made for men on here.

Don’t you know, this is just what family life is?

Any woman who isn’t willing to take on all the drudge work and get nothing in return is just inferior and not good enough for a relationship with this wonderful father. 🙄

I am really depressed at how low the bar is for men.

You’re in a relationship with a man with a child. I’m not sure how you thought this would pan out, but given that you don’t want to be around the child you need to end the relationship.

FWIW You sound like you’re doing a great job. I think it’s fine you have certain boundaries at this stage - you’re not the child’s mother - you seem like you’re being warm and appropriate and she obviously likes you. The thing that needs to change is obvious and it’s his behaviour. I don’t know any parent who has a weekend lie in until midday - it’s ridiculous and unfair on his child, of course she wants someone to get her breakfast and interact with her! This would be bad enough if you were both her parents but it’s ridiculous when she is his daughter and you’re the girlfriend! He needs to get up earlier and have proper enjoyable days with both of you, and then get her to bed at a sensible hour, leaving the evenings for just you and him adult time. This way his daughter / father relationship loses nothing. He just loses his lie ins. You need to insist on this as a precondition of your continued relationship IMO. Otherwise it’s a non starter.

Am sure the OP is quite happy to be around the child - sometimes.

Why are you ignoring how shit the father is and how he has just wheeled in the OP to be step mummy so he can lie in bed and not step up?

Or are you just so keen to have a go at another women you just can't see how shit this man is?

I can’t believe people think this is okay. He is the dad, this is his contact time. If OP wants to go and do something else alone that’s fine, it’s not her contact time!

yeah. This isn’t step parenting. This is nannying. Don’t be surprised if you moved in now busy daddy would get on contact weekends as well.

You are simply his nanny now. No need for him to make any effort with you now he has you hooked. He’s a lazy, crap father and partner.

He's actually grooming you to be the main carer for whenever he has his DC in the future. How long before he starts going out leaving you to look after her? Don't have any of your own DC with him, he won't be there for them either most likely.

Because that’s only part of the issue, even if he was dad and partner of the year OP still doesn’t want to be around the child every weekend.

Yanbu op. Find a new one.

He's not putting effort into your relationship. The good thing is you don't live together, so it's much easier to dump him.

Sounds like you aren't compatible. You aren't selfish for wanting your needs met and he sounds like he's trying to do his best for his daughter.

The reality is that he has a young child - that is what life is like with young children - they are there all the time and you have to do annoying things like get up early and interact with them and take them with you when you go out for dinner.

This isn't what you want from your relationship - he doesn't understand this. You are in totally different places so just end it. Find someone without kids.

I agree. And there's nothing wrong with that.

I had a rule when I was single, never to date a man with kids. There are plenty of single men out there who don't have kids.

When my DH and I had a young kid, we always made time for each other. Even when he was working long hours. You have to put the work in to keep a relationship strong. And your DP shouldn't be dictating to you what you do in your spare time. You deserve someone better.

Please walk away before it is too late. Dating should be fun, exciting, enjoyable. What you have is neither of these things. If you move in together it will get worse. It is entirely possible for a man having a child and respe t and value their new partner. Yours doesn't. He uses you.