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Original poster

Is this reality of having a step child?

244 replies

Haloweensmile · 16/11/2022 18:38

I struggle to find myself in this set up and would be grateful for any advice.

How much control do you have over your life since you are in a relationship with someone with children?

DP seems to want me to spend every day with him and his DD (9). The problem is I start to feel used and that I have lost a control over my own life.

DP's DD is with him every weekend. He wants me to be there with them both all the time as he sees this as the best quality time. I don't. For me, this time is a source of stress and increased anxiety to the point of sleepless nights. We have been together 2 years and we spend less and less time just 2 of us, DD seems to be here all the time now when DP isn't at work. He works shifts- a dayshift, back shift and night shift. I hardly see him in the weeks when he does back shifts and night shifts. He used to find time for dates, he used to find time for just th 2 of us, he used to want to visit me in my own house. Now he decided to save money and do a lot of overtime so everything has taken a back seat.

I want to spend a weekend alone - I'm told I'm selfish and he feels I want to punish him by withdrawing myself
I want him to visit me more - instead he insists on me spending weeks at his house, because it is easier for me as I can work from home. I'm 35, I'm so tired of living on the suitcases and being thorn between two homes
I wanted him to put DD earlier to bed last weekend so we can watch a movie together - I'm told I'm being difficult and I'm creating problems when he only wants to spend some time with his DD. And of course that I shouldn't be jealous.
Me saying to him that I need some time just the 2 of us and that 3hrs every other weekend just doesn't cut it, is met with the comments that I'm creating problems because we would have an ideal time with his DD.
At the weekends when I'm there he sleeps until 12pm on Sundays. DD is playing on her own coming to our bedroom starring at me until I get up and play with her...and then they watch movies until late because he wants to spend time with her. She is following him all the time, it extreme to the point when I feel I need to step back because DP doesn't have any personal space.

I'm off tomorrow, so is DP. I ask him maybe we would go out for a meal....He says yes of course but we are taking his DD as he is picking her up from school tomorrow and he wants her to spend a night here so he can drop her off to school on Friday. It's additional and she normally would be over from Friday after school until Monday morning. He is making his own plans and I'm expected to suck it up, get on with it and be grateful but when I want to do something different I'm told I'm unreasonable for not wanting to spend time together.

Am I being difficult? I know he wants to spend some time with DD but can we ever be a priority?

OP posts:
Cimone · 16/11/2022 21:19

My saying is this (sorry I forgot to add this part) - If a man is not offering you the relationship that you want or the connection that you need, you dump him and move on. His kid is a permanent fixture in his life and is his top priority. That won't change until she is mature and adult enough to kick him to the curb and live her own life (usually in late teens). That's a decade of this nonsense. Time to let this go girlfriend.

mumyes · 16/11/2022 21:21

This is not good. Your views, feelings & needs matter. And if he really cared he would listen & figure something out - a day off or a dinner somehow / something!

Also, this bit from a PP is very true -

I doubt many resident parents would sleep till midday on a Sunday then have no adult time in the evening with their partner because they're staying up late with their 9yo to make up for being out of action for the whole of the morning.

I'd leave him & move on, it doesn't sound right for you.

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 16/11/2022 21:22

If I were you, I would have to make him get up with her in the morning for one thing, she us his responsibility and he is taking you for granted.
I would start making my own plans and he can either be there with you, or not.

TequilaNights · 16/11/2022 21:26

I think that starting tomorrow you need to have a week to yourself, meet up with a friend for a meal, think about what you really want, I don't think this is it.

category12 · 16/11/2022 21:27

He should be getting up on Sunday - he's using you so he can pretend to be father of the year while actually shuffling his responsibilities onto you.

You can do better than him. Do better.

converseandjeans · 16/11/2022 21:27

I think it's what it's like having children. As parents we didn't get any spare time as a couple when they were little. So I don't think it's particular to her being a step daugher tbh.

ShandaLear · 16/11/2022 21:30

He’s got himself a new childminder he also gets to shag. He’s living the dream. What’s in it for you and is it worth it?

SudocremOnEverything · 16/11/2022 21:33

God the bar is so bloody low for men…

This is not a brilliant father. This is clearly a man seeking to palm the bits of parenting off onto his girlfriend. And who can’t be bothered to spend any time with him
when it isn’t supporting his fantasies of family life.

You deserve better than this OP. It’s not unreasonable to want your boyfriend to spend some time with you. And to make some of the effort to see you. Just because he has a child, doesn’t mean he gets to take the piss.

AnneLovesGilbert · 16/11/2022 21:34

There are some truly pathetic posts on here. He’s such an “involved” dad he sleeps half the fucking day leaving his girl friend, who he doesn’t even live with, to feed and entertain his child? How low are your bars set?!

He’s a shit lazy dad and a controlling, entitled bully of a boyfriend.

OP, it’s not normal. I’ve been a stepmum a long time, I’m now also a mum. If a parent chooses to have a relationship they need to be in the right place to let the person they’re dating into their lives, not view them as an accessory to be used around their child, fucking least of all if they’re expecting that person to be doing parenting when they can’t be bloody bothered.

Dump him, he’s treating you really badly. Please. Being on your own isn’t bad and you won’t meet someone better if you’re wasting your time with this utter twat.

Ellie1015 · 16/11/2022 21:39

I live with dh and our children, i get time with friends while he has the kids. We make time for each other and we take turns each with early mornings etc.

He is taking the piss. You seem to care for SD and make an effort. You shouldnt be guilt tripped into spending full weekend every weekend. And you should have time as a couple too.

Fleurdaisy · 16/11/2022 21:41

Looks like you’re the unpaid nanny to his child. If he wants his DD at the weekends , he can’t sleep until noon. His child, his responsibility.
I married a man with 2 dc. Nightmare. He pushed all his responsibilities onto me, his ex w interfered constantly, phoning us all hours whether the kids were with us or not. It was hell.
Have a serious think about whether you want this relationship to continue.

determinedtomakethiswork · 16/11/2022 21:44

Bugger that! There's no way I'd be living like that.

Escape quickly so that you can start your life without him. He's utterly selfish.

BungleandGeorge · 16/11/2022 21:48

I just think you’re not compatible. After 2 years it’s common to stop dating and move in as a family unit. Most families don’t have much time off from their children. You’ll probably get a better match with a single or someone with adult children

pimlicoanna · 16/11/2022 21:50

I think you should just be in a relationship with someone who doesn't have kids.

Citycentre3 · 16/11/2022 21:50

This relationship is wrong for everyone involved. You really need to find someone without ties that is on the same level as you. I say no one is really getting anything positive out of this situation, least of all his dd.

2bazookas · 16/11/2022 21:53

She is not your stepchild; you are not a step parent.

You don't even live with her father, so you're not a family. Next time he demands you spend time with her, you need to draw that very firm line in the sand.

" I'm not in a committed relationship with your child , nor do I want to be. "

Flamingogirl08 · 16/11/2022 21:56

I don't think being a step parent is for you and that's completely fine but maybe you need to rethink the relationship. I have a step daughter and she is a priority just like my biological daughter. I don't view her as a burden or anything, we are a family. If you don't feel this way then maybe he's not the man for you

BadNomad · 16/11/2022 21:57

That's what being a parent is. You can't just put children in a box and take them out again at a more convenient time. His child will always be there, even when she's not. If you can't handle that lack of freedom, then you shouldn't have children, and you definitely shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone who has children.

IfOnlyOCould · 16/11/2022 21:58

As he is doing shift work and taking on extra shifts I don't think it's unusual or unreasonable to sleep in at the weekend. I also think it's not unreasonable for him to prioritise his daughter.

It's not what the OP wants so it wouldn't be unreasonable for her to break up with him.

mumyes · 16/11/2022 21:59

Ellie1015 · 16/11/2022 21:39

I live with dh and our children, i get time with friends while he has the kids. We make time for each other and we take turns each with early mornings etc.

He is taking the piss. You seem to care for SD and make an effort. You shouldnt be guilt tripped into spending full weekend every weekend. And you should have time as a couple too.

Well said

Fraaahnces · 16/11/2022 22:00

He sounds like a selfish arse. He’s using you as a free nanny so he can sleep in and avoid “doing” anything with his kid. You and his child spend all the time bored shitless at his place. Sounds like a prison for both of you. He IS taking advantage of you. You have your own home to go to. The interesting thing is that you say that he “makes you feel guilty” when you try and tell him how you feel by throwing fatherhood in your face, when he CBA getting up with his own kid. Stay home on the weekend. Reconnect with your friends. Go out with them. Have some fun. He can visit you at yours when he doesn’t have his kid, or not at all. Let him put in some effort or leave.

rosieredhead · 16/11/2022 22:02

A wise women once told me when you’rer with a man with children you’ll never be his number one, and if you are then there’s some seriously wrong.

Penguinsaregreat · 16/11/2022 22:05

If I were you I’d end it. Just tell him it’s not working for you and leave it at that.
You aren’t suitable. This is the reality, neither of you are wrong but be is being a dick reacting like he did when you want to do your own thing.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 16/11/2022 22:06

BadNomad · 16/11/2022 21:57

That's what being a parent is. You can't just put children in a box and take them out again at a more convenient time. His child will always be there, even when she's not. If you can't handle that lack of freedom, then you shouldn't have children, and you definitely shouldn't be in a relationship with anyone who has children.

Well the Dad can? He can lay in at the weekend knowing his girlfriend will pick up his slack as a shit father? Lucky him. Gullible her.

OP. Run. He is using you.

DragonflyNights · 16/11/2022 22:07

Well he’s a bit shit isn’t he? Lazing around in bed and ignoring his daughter ‘cause he knows you’ll feel bad and do his parenting for him. Trying to guilt trip you about wanting a weekend to yourself. Making no time for the relationship but just using you for company (and sex I presume after the poor little girl has gone to bed) at the weekends.

And then having the nerve to act like you’re in the wrong?

Is this the life you want?