Does your husband treat you?

[NoMoreChoccy]

Just that really!

My husband earns 4x my wage - I run a small business from home while I look after our young children so my income / earning potential is much much lower than his. He pays more of the households bills than me although still has more disposable income than me after we’ve both paid our share of the bills/food. I treated myself to a takeaway on his card (£14) and he’s gone mad. Says I have no right, it’s disrespectful to expect him to pay for my treat, I should pay for myself if I want something. We have separate bank accounts - he refuses to have a joint account and I have to transfer money across to him to cover certain bills / costs. I grew up in a household where mum and dads money was “shared family money” - there was no mine / yours so I find this a bit alien anyway but maybe it’s more common than I think? We never go out for dates and he doesn’t buy me gifts / flowers or anything like that. When we do family days out I almost always pay and I’m always buying lunch /treats etc for all of us. Am I being that unreasonable to pop £14 on his card as I don’t get paid for another week? It would just be nice if for ONCE he offered to treat me 🙄

I've never earned much money. My dh treats me regularly and I could spend all the money tomorrow and he'd probably be surprised but he wouldn't go mad.
I have access to all of our money and when his df died he gave me all of the inheritance to deal with as I see fit.
Tbf I'm the more careful of us both so he trusts me.
Your dh doesn't cherish or care for you.
Does he even love you?
He sounds like Scrooge.
I couldn't live with a skinflint.

Thank you for your reply ☺️ your husband sounds lovely! Can we swap!? I honestly do question if my husband loves and cares for me. He’s always been a skinflint, it bothered me from the very start but it frustrates me more now we are a family and I’ve taken a big pay cut to juggle family / home commitments. He resents anyone spending any money, he likes to pass comment on how extravagant other people are but I think good on them! They’re enjoying life!

We've always been "our money".
Over the years we've both earned more than the other, and again, and flipped again. So it's just always been the same.
But he would 100% not have a problem with me buying myself a treat off his card. He'd give me his last fiver or his last £500. No question.
We are a bit broke at the moment (nearly payday) and a vinyl LP I've had my eye on for ages came up on ebay, straight away he got it for me.

I'd find it courteous to have asked beforehand but also would fully expect your do to say 'yes of course that's fine!'

This is financial abuse.
In this situation all his earnings and all yours should go into an account. All outgoings come out and you both decide what to do with any disposable income.
LTB

This isn’t what DH and I do but we both have the same attitude to money (Yorkshire) and have never argued over money. It’s always fair.

Doesn’t sound like you’re a real couple. How petty and mean of him.

@TheWitchersWife thafs the kind of set up I always envisaged but we are really divided. He will even ask us to split meals in a restaurant when we take the children out so he’s not paying more than half. It drives me mad!

Can I ask why you had children with this man?

Yeah. He treats me like a piece of shit.

I work part time over 3 days in a professional job, DH work (more than) full time. We would earn very similar amounts if I was full time. We have a joint account and we don't share costs 50:50. He pays the mortgagee and I pay most of the bills. I have DH's credit card and can spend what I like using his CC. If I was a big/expensive buy, I'd let him know first but he doesn't question my spending. He buys most of the kids' Christmas presents, he just checks what I've bought too so we have equal presents for them.

He certainly wouldn't go ballistic if I bought a takeaway on his card the week before pay day. He would make sure I had enough money for myself as well as household things and the kids. What you're experiencing is not normal or respectful in a commited/long term relationship.

@jeepjeep4 i completely get where you’re coming from! The thing is he would have 1000% said no. I wanted to go out to buy food but I’ve been working all day and he has injured his calf so didn’t want to go out either. So yes it was a bit naughty of me but I just knew he would never say yes!

Concerning that you don't have joint accounts and his attitude to a £14 takeaway. You need to have a serious discussion with him

Hmm I think you should’ve asked really. But he’s still wrong.
Dh and I earn similar, he treats me all the time and likewise.
we also have shared money, and really all money is family money. However I wouldn’t buy anything on his card for an account that’s just in his name without mentioning it and he wouldn’t on mine.
but I don’t understand why you’re paying him money rather than paying a joint account or why you’re doing all his childcare for free?
asking you to split restaurant bills in particular seems really strange, what’s the rest of his family like with money? I’d say he’s either a bit of a dick or he’s got some anxiety around money that you could work through together, but I wouldn’t be putting up with the situation the way it is now.

What a way to live. If you don't change something you'll be living like this for the rest of your life.

Read up on financial abuse. If he cannot understand he is treating you, the mother of his children, like shit, then please consider leaving him. He sounds like a shit father too, seeing his kids as an inconvenience he will only pay half for. Ugh.

It’s not the way we operate at home.

One joint account for everything. He earns double what I earn. We spend what we like, if I want a new pair of shoes (or a takeaway) it will come out of joint account. Same goes for DH.

divorce and (through child support) you'll probably get more of his earnings.

That's shocking.
I think you need to push back.
Some people just can't part with their money.
My dm was friends with a couple and the man was like this. They separated in the end. He would only buy halves in the pub, it was embarrassing.
I think you need to get back to work and make him pay half the childcare.

Financially abusive.
Controlling
Nasty bastard.

My husband doesn't treat me as such but that is because it is family money so either of us treat ourselves if we want to without permission from each other.

Oh this makes me so sad. My husband is the bigger earner so covers most of the bills, I cover expenses for the car and kids but it’s mostly a “shared” pot that we don’t necessarily keep a tally on. If I’m running low I would usually ask first but if I did use his card for anything he wouldn’t care. We don’t have a huge disposable income but he will often pick up some flowers/a bottle of wine or something he spotted in a (usually charity 😂) shop he thought I’d like.

I think your husband is being very controlling and unfair here regarding your finances. Is he like this in other areas or just when it comes to money? I appreciate how people are raised can impact how they view money/finances but if he’s a grown man with any ability to reason he should be able to see that being petty and mean with his privilege isn’t how finances should work in a relationship.

As others have said this is financial abuse. Since my husband and I moved in together we have always had shared money and he would never ever resent me for buying a takeaway under those circumstances. You need to very carefully consider your situation. If I were you I would be considering returning to full time work and splitting child care costs. You are putting yourself in a very vulnerable financial position by depending on a small income in these circumstances

Hes using money to abuse you. Leave. I could (and have) put £140 on my husbsnds card without prior approval and he wouldnt blink.

I actually feel a bit sad reading your responses. We’ve been together 13 years, married, children - I just expected us to be more of a unit financially. It’s not just the money, it’s what it represents - that desire to care for your other half and want them to be ok and not worried about money. He has always resented having to spend money, his friends jokingly warned me but you’re quite right, he should want to make sure me and the kids have enough. He will even call me out in the supermarket if I don’t have enough to pay for a food shop asking me in front of the cashier / other shoppers what I’ve spent all my money on. I hate it! But when I tell him he’s embarrassed me he says I shouldn’t care what other people think. Just two very different souls I guess 😞

Yes he does, as in he chooses when to treat me and what to spend, I would never help myself to his cash or his bank cards, and he wouldn’t help himself to mine either.

Jesus this isn’t about two different souls this is about him abusing you. Calling you out in front of cashiers to humiliate you makes me really sad and angry to read. I would be considering leaving on this situation

Oh no, this definitely sounds abusive.

All our money is joint but I know plenty who keep it seperate. However when on maternity leave or out of work to care for children there should be a discussion on what is a fair amount to 'pay you' for being at home with the dc.