Does your husband treat you?

[NoMoreChoccy]

Just that really!

My husband earns 4x my wage - I run a small business from home while I look after our young children so my income / earning potential is much much lower than his. He pays more of the households bills than me although still has more disposable income than me after we’ve both paid our share of the bills/food. I treated myself to a takeaway on his card (£14) and he’s gone mad. Says I have no right, it’s disrespectful to expect him to pay for my treat, I should pay for myself if I want something. We have separate bank accounts - he refuses to have a joint account and I have to transfer money across to him to cover certain bills / costs. I grew up in a household where mum and dads money was “shared family money” - there was no mine / yours so I find this a bit alien anyway but maybe it’s more common than I think? We never go out for dates and he doesn’t buy me gifts / flowers or anything like that. When we do family days out I almost always pay and I’m always buying lunch /treats etc for all of us. Am I being that unreasonable to pop £14 on his card as I don’t get paid for another week? It would just be nice if for ONCE he offered to treat me 🙄

I’m half tempted to show this to him! The look on his face would be priceless 😉
He considers meals out a bit of a luxury - not that he can’t afford it, much more that he doesn’t want to when you can just make food at home! So if I suggest going out it’s either me who pays or we agree to split it. The only time he would dream of paying for it all would be my birthday. The other day I used the wrong card to pay my share and messed up the PIN number. I had to ask him to pay my half in front of the waiter and he was so irritated, asking why I couldn’t remember the pin etc. I ended up saying “I’ll transfer it online now” to appease him. God knows what the waiter must have thought poor guy!

Meanness is a very unattractive trait. Worse is not considering you his equal and breaking his wedding vows - assuming he endowed you with all his worldly goods.

There should be no ‘his’ or ‘mine’ in an equal marriage. What he brings financially is balanced by your non financial input.

Agree equal personal spending allowance and everything else in a single pot with equal access. If he doesn’t agree to that stop some of the wife work.

Treating doesn’t have to be financial and a takeaway you bought yourself isn’t a treat. It’s food. Of you did it every week whilst the bills were piling up, ordered a huge amount that was thrown away or didn’t offer him some then he might have cause to gripe but it sounds like he hasn’t accepted your equal status as his wife.

He needs to start doing all the cooking then he may appreciate eating out despite the cost.

He is miserly and tbh in a decade or so I suspect you will resent him and eventually despise him tbh.

Careful is ok but he's on the miserly level.

Oh I agree with other posters. This is no way to live OP!
My DP would give me his last penny if he thought it would make me happy and has supported me through X2 Mat Leave where I have taken unpaid time off to care for our babies. I still haven’t gone without anything. I would be mortified if he asked me to pay “half” when we were out having a meal as we have a pot of our money. Not his, not mine.. Just ours!
please seek some more advice over what you would be entitled to if you separated. He doesn’t sound like a nice man I’m sorry.

This is awful, OP. Next time hé refuses to go out because 'you' can cook at home, point the bastard in the direction of the kitchen.

Wow. My husband earned 20 times what I did, and I stopped working after our second child. There was never a question of 'treating me'. If there was something I wanted, I bought it. Major purchases (like a TV) we discussed. I never took advantage - going out and buying something outrageous like a designer bag - but he never ever questioned what I spent money on.
I couldn't stand the set up you describe.

Oh my god.

A much less embarrassing way would be to take it in turns?

That's what me and my partner do (we still have two house so no joint). Sometimes if he pays and I know he's had an expensive month I'll transfer him it back anyways. Which he never expects. It's swings and roundabouts if you don't take the piss. He's just been out to the garage to get a suitcase and came back in with a fizzy drink and an ice cream from the shop. It doesn't have to be a lot does it (he of course got one himself too haha)

Don't really know how to reply OP?
I earn 3x my husbands salary but we have always shared our finances.
He paid for everything when I had maternity breaks and didn't work for 3 years.
I read threads on here about women who are expected to financially contribute the same even though they are on a lower wage,part time and providing most of the childcare,makes me despair.
I hate a tightwad!
My husband would give me or the kids his last pound.
How embarrassing for your DH to question your spending.
You have enabled this behaviour OP
We all want to feel loved and cherished by our partners.

this is financial abuse

This, 100%

This is actually horrific. All money is joint, family money with equal spends. I was a SAHM for years and ran the finances.
It's fucking awful reading posts like this.. married/long term relationship women scrabbling for pennies to buy stuff when the man is sitting with a full account. How can you bear to be around him, have sex with him, do nice things for him.

@Rebelmcstreettuff I think that’s it, I would just like to feel cherished. Life is so busy for us with small children and two jobs to juggle without any childcare so it would make a massive difference to me if I felt cared for.

@CookPassBabtridge it’s definitely having an impact on how I feel about him romantically. We haven’t been intimate for months as I find the way he is so off putting I don’t want to touch him. Awful isn’t it 😏

I feel so, so sad for you reading this thread, OP.

I'm on Mat leave, my DH pays the mortgage and all bills and I only pay for food shops.

Obviously when I'm back up to full income, I'll be paying some bills too but this is what's working best for us and he doesn't complain, ever.

Sometimes comes home from his shift with a bunch of flowers or whatnot, I just assumed this was the norm, as I like to buy him surprise treats too.

DH is more practical. If I bought books or makeup on his card he would be miffed but the minute I have a hole in my tights or fancied something to rest my book/ phone on in the bath, you can bet something will be on it's way to ensure my "practical" need is fulfilled without me asking. Other treats are bought from the joint account with a casual mention prior to purchase for a chance at discussion.

@newtb ha ha! He would cook something awful I’m sure! He has a different diet to me so we often eat separately (I tend to eat after the children have gone to bed) and he has only ever cooked for me once.

What exactly does he do for you or your child? as a husband and dad . God , I couldn’t live like this , sorry, but he’s an asshole

@MamaWingsIt awww I love the surprise flowers, that’s so lovely!

Sorry I'm struggling to see why you stay with him.

And you're actually married to him, so all matrimonial assets are joint. He's a real tightwad isn't he? I couldn't live like that.

You’ll get more from him in maintenance and 50% of the house and pension.

@pompei8309 he’s good with the children - does bathtime, clubs, playground etc. He is hands on in that respect but wouldn’t do any of the admin stuff - buying school clothes, home clothes, financing school trips, arranging play dates, birthday parties etc. He doesn’t do anything for me. He hates cleaning and wouldn’t dream of doing any housework apart from the occasional hoover. I guess all our focus is on the children so there’s little time to focus on “us” but I would just LOVE if he came home with some flowers or chocolates or cooked dinner for me. Just a little something that would make us feel more of a couple.

Why is in this relationship for you?

Tell him that you need to have financial freedom & stability and that you have to go back to work full time in order to achieve that?

Tell him you have costed childcare, a cleaner etc. and his portion monthly will be X.

If you aren't sharing money, you aren't sharing childcare, cooking, cleaning etc.

I am the main earner in my family. I don’t “treat” my wife, because

1. she has equal access to money and can spend it on whatever she wants
2. she’s not a fucking toddler, but a grown adult who can decide to spend money or not.

your husband is a financially controlling cock.

He's lovely. He just says he likes to show his appreciation as he is fully aware a full shift is easier sometimes than a full day of parenting a clingy baby 🤣 bless him.