Does your husband treat you?

[NoMoreChoccy]

Just that really!

My husband earns 4x my wage - I run a small business from home while I look after our young children so my income / earning potential is much much lower than his. He pays more of the households bills than me although still has more disposable income than me after we’ve both paid our share of the bills/food. I treated myself to a takeaway on his card (£14) and he’s gone mad. Says I have no right, it’s disrespectful to expect him to pay for my treat, I should pay for myself if I want something. We have separate bank accounts - he refuses to have a joint account and I have to transfer money across to him to cover certain bills / costs. I grew up in a household where mum and dads money was “shared family money” - there was no mine / yours so I find this a bit alien anyway but maybe it’s more common than I think? We never go out for dates and he doesn’t buy me gifts / flowers or anything like that. When we do family days out I almost always pay and I’m always buying lunch /treats etc for all of us. Am I being that unreasonable to pop £14 on his card as I don’t get paid for another week? It would just be nice if for ONCE he offered to treat me 🙄

My DH would insist on treating me to a take away if I was tired. And does so regularly. I'm tired from taking care of HIS children!
I'm annoyed for you, how dare he begrudge you a small food treat.
Tight, miserable bastard.

I'm with @ThirtyThreeTrees and try to take back a bit of control. This has made me feel really sad. What a miserable way to live.

I would set up a joint account that is family expenditure eg daily costs, food, children costs, holidays etc etc. You both pay proportionately into that.

Your own account is for your own treats.

As someone who has separated, I really would suggest couple counselling. If you are feeling like this now, the only way is down. You can't 'unsee' how you are feeling. Try to get help to improve your communication.

Couples counselling is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. I would also think he is not just financially abusive either.

Abuse is not a relationship problem, abuse is about power and control and this man wants absolute here.

He is also sending his children very mixed and harmful messages here by doing things for them but nothing for their mother.

There was a joint account set up but OPs husband did not pay into it.

He hates cleaning and wouldn’t dream of doing any housework apart from the occasional hoover.

So he's in favour of 'old fashioned' when it benefits him?

He's an utter shit.

Don't show him the thread. Just leave.

He sounds horrible. I don't understand why all these men seem to be married to women they detest. If your husband doesn't want to see you happy, then he's not worth sticking with.
I'm in a similar situation as you and the only time I'd have to mention to dh I was getting a takeaway is if I was asking him if he wanted anything.

What on earth made you marry this man?

once tight, always tight

Our money, no his or hers. Since we got married over 16y ago, we've had a joint account. Doesn't matter who earns more.

You have a choice re your husband OP, your children do not.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Your husband learnt how to be tight from his parents who act the self same. What do you think your children are learning about relationships from you people?.

Not sure why you want to feel “ more of a couple” with a man who clearly abuses you financially

Thanks everyone. It’s actually been really cathartic knowing so many of you think his behaviour is unacceptable. He’s not interested in sharing finances in any shape or form - only because he earns much more. I think if we earned equal amounts or I earned more he would be more inclined but he hates the idea that I might spend money on myself that he’s earned. He’s earned it = his only.

This isn’t about him treating you or not, he doesn’t see you as an equal, he expects you to be submissive to what he wants.
He’s financially abusive but it’s not just financial he’s abusive full stop, he demeans, belittles and humiliates you, if he’s happy to behave like that in public I’d bet much more goes on behind closed doors.
You say you transfer him bill money so I assume all the bills come from his account, in all seriousness I would stop transferring any money to him. Purchase food only for you and the children, do absolutely nothing for him and save the rest of the money you make he can pay the bills alone (he earns 4 times your wage, you need that money to go it alone) along with seeing a divorce lawyer, separate, apply for universal credit if your income is low (you can do that even if you live in the same house) and get the house on the market.
You are married all money and assets are joint, you don’t need to live like this.

i don’t know how much I’d worry about addressing things with DH, unless he would be willing to go to relationship counselling and hear from someone else that he is abusive and unacceptable. I think in your position you need to start planning out how to leave him, and to get some counselling for yourself around why you have had such little respect or value for yourself.

If he insists on everything being ‘fair’ then I would also divide up the drop off and pick-ups for the kids evenly. He either does his share himself, or he pays you or another person to do them. Ultimately by working so flexibly, you are costing yourself, and if you aren’t able yo leave this abusive relationship, the cost is too high.

Would your parents help you leave? If I knew either of my DD’s were with this prick, I’d do whatever I could to help, especially considering the grandkids will be impacted by this

Also though it’s horrible to have to admit it to yourself, he doesn’t give a shit about you, he shows this through all his actions , you don’t behave that way to people you love.

Meanness is such an unattractive trait, I always wonder how these men get women to actually marry them 😕

Thank you for your advice. He’s very short tempered and irritable but he’s not physically abusive. he’s always been tight but I stupidly expected the dynamic to change when we had children. I get being careful with money, of course I do, but I do think we should be a unit. I know he would make my life hell if I asked for a separation/ divorce.
The children see that I’m not tight with money and neither are my parents so they view that more as the norm. I would hate for them to follow their dad’s approach! 😏

It's always been 'our money'. DH earns double what I earn. We have a joint account for bills and household stuff that we move money too, which he contributes more too.

Then the rest of our money is in our own accounts, but still thought of as 'our money'. If we go out for dates, or basically have to pay for anything whilst out and about (coffee, lunch etc.) DH pays. Same for takeaways. Sometimes I insist I pay from my account but he usually doesn't let me 😂 but then at the end of the day it doesn't really matter when it's all 'our money' anyway.

Wow - I’m shocked. He’s a nasty, abusive, tight-fisted arsehole.

Why on earth do you pay for half of everything when he earns 4x more than you and you do all the childcare?

Divorce him and then you’ll get at least half of everything and also get rid of the toxicity in your life.

He’s also not interested in relationship counselling…maybe only if I agree to pay for it myself! 😂 but he wouldn’t be particularly interested in what anyone else had to say so I think it would be a waste of money.

That’s pretty shocking. I’m married, no kids. We work same hours, earn roughly the same-split everything 50/50 like mortgage, bills and food. Have a joint account for those things. And separate accounts for personal stuff. Works for now but I’d want us to agree a different arrangement if one of was earning so it would still be fair. He doesn’t really treat me with flowers or gifts but honestly I’d rather have a partner who is fair and reasonable!

This is not normal behaviour in a marriage unless there’s a huge backstory about you having a gambling or shopping addiction or £1000’s of debt or something.

Perhaps you should ask him to split the childcare, you know, so you don’t have to do more than half…

I would ask you to do some reading and consider whether you’re experiencing financial abuse, OP.

I'm actually shocked op. This man does not love or respect you. He is financially abusing you. Please get some advice irl again and consider your options. You can be damn sure he'd be paying a lot more for childcare than £14. What a prick. Also, I wouldn't show him this thread. I'd be getting my ducks in a row to get away from him.

Oh, and for what it’s worth - I’m a Sahm and haven’t earned anything for years and I wouldn’t dream of asking dh for permission to buy a takeout - never mind be berated by him for doing so.

Your dh is a total louse.

How horrible for you, I must admit it's alien to me. DH earns a lot more than I do, but our money is shared and we each spend what we like as we trust the other not to be irresponsible. My mum always told me to never marry a mean person, it was sound advice.

DH and I started a joint bank account when we were just boyfriend and girlfriend living together at 25, to keep everything fair in terms of bills and rent. His earnings far outweigh mine (he earns 3x what I do) but we put in a proportional amount for mortgage, bills, petrol, food shopping, DC’s clothes and other stuff, and days out. We end up with the same in our own accounts to buy our own things with (clothes, books, hobby stuff etc).

He appreciates his earning power and career progression during the 6-ish years we had babies and toddlers was facilitated by me providing childcare, either not working or working part-time jobs that weren’t particularly beneficial to my career. We still buy each other little gifts as and when we feel like it.

This is exactly it.