Does your husband treat you?

[NoMoreChoccy]

Just that really!

My husband earns 4x my wage - I run a small business from home while I look after our young children so my income / earning potential is much much lower than his. He pays more of the households bills than me although still has more disposable income than me after we’ve both paid our share of the bills/food. I treated myself to a takeaway on his card (£14) and he’s gone mad. Says I have no right, it’s disrespectful to expect him to pay for my treat, I should pay for myself if I want something. We have separate bank accounts - he refuses to have a joint account and I have to transfer money across to him to cover certain bills / costs. I grew up in a household where mum and dads money was “shared family money” - there was no mine / yours so I find this a bit alien anyway but maybe it’s more common than I think? We never go out for dates and he doesn’t buy me gifts / flowers or anything like that. When we do family days out I almost always pay and I’m always buying lunch /treats etc for all of us. Am I being that unreasonable to pop £14 on his card as I don’t get paid for another week? It would just be nice if for ONCE he offered to treat me 🙄

We have a joint account which all the bills are paid from and an equal allowance given to each other. We often treat each other and the allowance we have each is classed as shared money (we have separate accounts as we get deals on each of them).

Thanks for your messages of support. It really means a lot to me, it’s nice to know others would feel the same as me in my position. Funnily enough, the topic of pensions just came up as he was trying to retrieve a lost password and when I asked how much was in this particular pension he told me I didn’t need to know and as I didn’t contribute to it, I wouldn’t be seeing any of it. He said it in a jokey tone but obviously meant it. I used it as a chance to broach the subject of finances and he became all awkward and then said he needs to get on with stuff and can’t discuss it now. There’s always a reason he can’t discuss finances - tired, busy, not in the mood. I think I’d drop dead the day he agreed to sit and have a proper conversation about it that didn’t involve him shouting at me for using his card!

Funnily enough, the topic of pensions just came up as he was trying to retrieve a lost password and when I asked how much was in this particular pension he told me I didn’t need to know and as I didn’t contribute to it, I wouldn’t be seeing any of it. He said it in a jokey tone but obviously meant it.

Hoard this knowledge OP & use it to fuel your anger.
Fantasize about the expression on his face when he realises he is wrong, & that it's up to the court to decide on what % of his pension you are awarded, in lieu of sacrificing your own, & your full-time earning potential to raise HIS kids.

And find a good solicitor. A really good one, who has experience of coercive control & financial abuse.

I think you need to get a bit angry OP. When he says not now you say when? Bite back. Push more. Call him out on his behaviour. Point out what you do. Point out that your way of life is unfair.

He will not want to discuss this with you but he doesn't get to make all the rules.

You've become a boiling frog and cannot see how bad this situation is.

He knows he is leaving you financially high and dry. The only way you will see a penny is by divorcing and using a forensic account as he sure as hell will omit various pensions and savings/bonds.

While you still live with him it’s time to get your ducks in a row.
Take a copy of all the financial stuff that you can.
Stop paying for anything- you have had a major bill (lie) and everything is on him for the next month. The kids have had a sudden growth spurt too.
See a solicitor. A decent one, I’ll bet your parents will pay.
Make sure all the passports, birth certificates, marriage certificates etc are “lost” aka safely at your parents house.
Gradually move some stuff to theirs. Enquire about schools etc from their address.
You just need to be fully organised before you get out and take him to the cleaners.
This is not a good role model of a marriage for either sons or daughters.
Best wishes

Why the hell are you allowing him to speak to you like that?

Of fucking course you should know how much is in the pension.

You need to put your bloody foot down and stop being so passive.

Was the takeaway just for you? Did you ask him if he wanted anything? Did you have food planned for dinner, but you fancied something else? I think you should have asked, it's polite. DH and I share some money, equal household contributions, when I'm not on ML, but we keep some money back for ourselves. We are adults who work and had our own money before we got married. If you and DH agreed the same, I think you were wrong to just take the money for a 'just for you' thing. He's likely annoyed that you just did it, than because you did it.

You need to read the thread.

It's moved on from a takeaway.

I was sad before, but now I'm really fucking angry. YOU need to be angry OP, he's not joking, he means everything he says. Listen to your parents, they are trying so hard to tell you you can leave him and they will be there for you.

My xh was like this. Mean and miserly. No mortgage, inherited a house and a significant amount of cash from his parents (and also vehicles from a similarly miserly friend who wouldn't leave them to his own wife). All the cash and the proceeds from the house sale went into his savings. Not even so much as a meal out for us. Never any thoughtful surprises. Never any fun. Only ever doing his hobby together.

He also earned about 4x what I did. Final straw was whem I asked him to take me Aldi a couple of days before payday as our cupboards were empty. He had no idea because he never cooked. He spent 30 quid and moaned and berated me for hours about how useless I was with money, how much he hated going to supermarkets as he had better things to do with his time etc. and that I was taking the piss because he paid the gas and leccy bills (about 80 a month back then).

I left the miserable bastard about 3 weeks later and never looked back.

Food for thought,.OP?

I really think you need to look into financial and mental abuse. It sounds like it his keeping you trapped and every time he delays talking about finances it ticks over and gives him more time to continue in this way.
Imagine one of your friends came to you and said their husband accused them of stealing £14? That he constantly reminds them he is the high earner and it's his money? That he won't provide for his kids because their shoes aren't threadbare yet but they do actually need new ones.
You give him too much credit, whether it's what he was taught by his parents or not he either needs to sit down and start supporting his family or you leave. Every time he mentions oh you won't get any of his pension that's him reminding you that he is the only one with money. It's a mentality he wants you to have to feel you have no power and it's working.

Thank you everyone! ☺️ I do feel rage at times but I also feel a bit sad. I mentioned the pension thing again and he said he felt that by me asking what was in the pot I was being “grabby” and it irked him!? A lot of you have said talking won’t get us anywhere and I think you’re right - even if he’s totally calm and we can have a proper conversation, we think so bloody differently! He would just never, ever see my point of view. It does help knowing I have my parents firmly behind me, I’m definitely luckier than some others having that support net. I guess the idea of uprooting everything feels scary when day to day life isn’t awful, I just feel don’t feel particularly cared for or valued. That said if I look 10/20 years down the line he doesn’t actually feature!!!

Oh and as an aside, he saw me writing on mumsnet and asked me if I was moaning about what a terrible husband I have 😂

Every time you back down though and don't push it it reinforces his belief that he is correct and the way he treats you is okay.

You need to push back. Each and Every time.

If you and DH agreed the same
If you'd RTFT, you'd know OP & her H did NOT agree the same.

And maybe that would have saved you an embarrassing episode of unwarranted scolding.

@PipinwasAuntieMabelsdog how do people get to a thread that’s 12 pages long and think ‘I’ll just read the first page, I’m sure that’ll give me the whole story?’

This is the third mumsnet thread I've seen in the past few days about men who are high-earning skinflints! What the hell is wrong with them? I find them repulsive. In one thread, the man actually started out normal but became a miser after getting a much better-paid job!

DH and I each have a personal account for clothes, presents and other individual expenses, plus a joint account for all shared and household bills. DH earns more than me so he usually pays when we go out for a meal or eg to the cinema; I'm more likely to book tickets for events online, and I take that out of the joint account.

But it's a loose arrangement. DH would never question a purchase I made, and would happily top up my account if I ran short and asked him to. In fact, he only looks at our accounts when I drag him to my computer and say "You really ought to know what I do with our money".

It sounds as if all the happily married PPs on this thread, and their DPs, are similarly relaxed about money. Miserliness must be a real marriage-killer.

OP, you deserve so much better. If you divorced, you and DC would probably be better off, and so much happier without him on your case about every coin you spend.

It seems that modern British men expect women to pay for nearly everything as well as do all the grunt work at home. If you complain they say “it’s equality innit”

I really feel for you and have been where you are. I felt like my exh was being reasonable when he asked for the fiver back that I borrowed when I was on mat leave or when he refused to tell me his salary.

This has brought back one particularly humiliating memory of that time. I didn't drive (because I wasn't 'sensible' enough to put money aside for lessons) so on one very rainy morning I decided to get the bus on the school run with my ds5 and baby strapped to me, i think the fare was £2 at the time but when I got on, the driver said the fare had gone up to £2.20. I didn't have another 20p. It was torrential, I was exhausted, defeated. I'm usually a very strong woman but I just stood there and cried. A very kind lady noticed and handed me the 20p told me not to worry etc. It was one of the lowest moments of my life.

I thanked her far too much, got ds to school but of course, I didn't have the fare home either so walked back. He'd even taken my umbrella to work with him, the bastard.

When he came home, I didn't even tell him. It wasnt even the breaking point. I just kept thinking that if I worked more and 'earned my keep' that things would be better.

He was the one who left me! He considered me to be a faulty appliance, not worth anything at all. And I just let him!

Once he left, I gave my head a wobble and petitioned the divorce myself on the basis of financial abuse. Turns out he is quite a high earner and he pays a significant amount of maintenance for our son now.

Not sure if it helps to hear that but I hope it does. You deserve better.

No my other half wouldn't question a £14 spend, we talk about money openly between us both, ie what we earn, spend, need. Hmm is there more behind it, like he's in a lot of debt.

I thought from your opening post that he sounded petty and mean but this justs confirms it - who does that ? You're a partnership or supposed to be - he has it all on his terms - that's not a partnership at all

It's an awful way to live. It kind of says he does not want to 'share' your life together and for you to both live comfortably. It's very controlling- it gives him power over you.It's mean.

I can't imagine DH ever behaving like that over anything.I wouldn't be with him if he was.

We've always had joint money. Dh money goes into bill's account and pays bills and shopping. Mine goes into a spending and a bit of savings. We both have access to everything. Big purchases are always joint decisions.