Does your husband treat you?

[NoMoreChoccy]

Just that really!

My husband earns 4x my wage - I run a small business from home while I look after our young children so my income / earning potential is much much lower than his. He pays more of the households bills than me although still has more disposable income than me after we’ve both paid our share of the bills/food. I treated myself to a takeaway on his card (£14) and he’s gone mad. Says I have no right, it’s disrespectful to expect him to pay for my treat, I should pay for myself if I want something. We have separate bank accounts - he refuses to have a joint account and I have to transfer money across to him to cover certain bills / costs. I grew up in a household where mum and dads money was “shared family money” - there was no mine / yours so I find this a bit alien anyway but maybe it’s more common than I think? We never go out for dates and he doesn’t buy me gifts / flowers or anything like that. When we do family days out I almost always pay and I’m always buying lunch /treats etc for all of us. Am I being that unreasonable to pop £14 on his card as I don’t get paid for another week? It would just be nice if for ONCE he offered to treat me 🙄

Very very unfair. You are saving him fucking hundreds a month. Hundreds, in childcare costs, just during the working day.

And he won't share the money YOU enable him to earn. And he won't help you in the evenings and weekends- no, scrub round that,he won't do his fair half share - so you are subsidising him there roo.

When he laughs at you for not having enough money to buy things, are you buying things just for yourself in the supermarket? Thought not. Why on earth don't you say loudly back "Where is your half of this, to buy food for your family?"

😮😮😮

Honestly I am just 🤯🤯 at that.

My husband is a wonderful man and would never begrudge me anything. If he has it to give then he does. As do I to him.

I'm really sorry your Husband is such a skinflint

I can’t tell you how much I appreciate all your responses. I felt like maybe he was right and I was completely out of order but writing it all down and seeing it in black and white has made me realise what a tight arse he truly is! I find the questioning of finances in public mortifying, makes me want to hide behind the check out 😀 He doesn’t get that at all, says I’m being overly sensitive and he doesn’t care if people look / what they think and neither should I.
i had a full time job, was made redundant while on maternity leave with my first child and then decided to use my redundancy pay to set up my own business. I actually earn more than I expected going it alone and I like the freedom it gives me to be at home with the children but it’s definitely far less than I would be earning in an office. Had I stayed on at my job and moved up the ladder I would likely be earning more than my husband now.

Sounds very difficult and unfair! I am a SAHM and have been for quite a few years (that's what I wanted while the kids are young) and we've never had yours/mine set up. My dh earns decent money and it's always ours. I use money for everything I or the kids need, and he never questions. He also treats me often, gifts or flowers, takeaways etc. and we go out as a family a lot. I'd find it very challenging, impossible in fact, to be married to someone who didn't share my views, as for embarrassing you in public that's just plain awful. I really hope for you that he can change his ways, although the odds are he won't, sadly

So he would rather you go hungry than give you £14? I don’t have the words OP

That is fucking shocking.

You have children with this man for gods sake.

I hope you stay healthy OP because he isn't going to support you.

This is NO way for you to live.

I've always earned more than my DH. Our money is shared. All of it.

He sounds awful.

Next time you're in a supermarket and he questions you, say loudly that although he earns 4 times what you do you have to pay half and have gone a little over this month. He won't mind people hearing

I honestly could not live like this.

His meanness would kill it for me.

It's also financial abuse.

He's quite happy to see you go short. That's not love.

Oh I’m chuckling at your suggestion to loudly question him in the supermarket! In my head I would LOVE to do that but in reality I wouldn’t as I would be far too embarrassed and I honestly think he would get into a breakdown of where each of our money is going while someone is queuing up behind to pay for their pint of milk!!

What are you getting out of this relationship now?. It must be something otherwise why are you still with him? Did your dad treat your mum like this?

What do you think your children are learning about relationships from you both here?

He sounds financially abusive towards you; how have you lasted so long with someone so unkind and without any generous spirit?

This is absolutely financial abuse in my opinion. And controlling and nasty and demeaning.

Within my family we have at times earned different amounts. I was originally the higher earning, then has reduced income when I had babies and they were small and I am now the higher earned again. We have a joint account for all bills/insurances/ savings/ child related costs etc. we have sole accounts into which we receive our salaries. Every time there is an income change, we recalculate our contribution to the joint pot accordingly to ensure we each have the equal money left. To me, this this seems fair. Oh and given that one or other of us may spend money on a meal out, shopping and so on, we regularly transfer money back and forth as needed. We don’t keep count. Because we are a family with a shared responsibility to our joint lives and our children.

TBH, in your situation I would obtain details of all finances, take legal advice and make plans to leave. I don’t think this man has your interests at heart.

And by the way OP, it's not about 'treats'.

You should have equal access to family money full stop.

He is mean. I think that’s probably the best way to describe him unfortunately. Not that he would agree at all! He is quite bitter about people enjoying themselves - not in a grumpy way but more questioning and disbelieving. Says he doesn’t understand why there are so many women in the gym, don’t they have jobs? Do their husbands really pay for them to be there during the day while they’re hard at work?! I have to laugh a lot of the time because it’s so ridiculous. I do call him out but it makes no difference. He says he pays his fair share as he pays more of the bills than me and that’s the end of that. Doesn’t buy into sharing/ pooling funds, helping me out as I earn less etc. in his mind that’s my problem! In fact he continuously pushes me to pay more towards bills even though my income hasn’t gone up. I’ve resisted so far which drives him mad 😃

@ShirleyHolmes that's exactly now we manage our finances too. Open and neither of us resents the other.

I did actually speak to a lawyer in the past just to know my position. It helped clarify things for me but it’s not a great position unfortunately - although I knew that would be the case! My parents are the total opposite, mum was a SAHM and my dad provided for everything. He made sure she never went without and same for us as children. That’s why I struggle with my set up so much, it’s so different to what I knew! The children already know dad is “tight” - they make comments all the time!

I earn very little (part time admin job) and my DH earns a lot. We both have a credit card linked to his bank account that I can use for anything I choose (grocery shopping, clothes shopping, lunch out with friends etc). I'm quite a frugal person so I certainly don't go splashing out on expensive clothes and handbags etc. He trusts me to spend "his" (our) money wisely but it's absolutely fine to buy myself a meal out or whatever. There are no restrictions - he sees it as our money.

My DH earns a fair bit more than me. He pays all the household bills, we pay half each for groceries. He takes me out for a meal practically once a week and he's always buying me chocolate, I sometimes have to tell him to stop.

@NoMoreChoccy your DH sounds awfully mean and controlling.

I think you should look at getting back into your well paid career and bill him for the childcare, cleaner, housekeeper and if he complains tell him to do it himself.

At this rate you will end up in debt, your DC will have one set of school uniform each whilst he parades around in designer gear.

It's just not at all funny. He doesn't value you or your contribution.

Oh OP this is just awful, reading all your updates too. This is no way for you and the kids to live, honestly. As someone else said you’re probably better off alone you’d get more in CMA from him! I think the worst part is he doesn’t even want to pay for his kids not wanting to pay more than half their meal. Sorry but it sounds like such a miserable existence for you. Does he allow you all to go on holiday? What about when you were on Mat leave?
i think the problem is you knew he was like this and still had kids with him…
i set out my expectations to DP before we moved in and had a baby ie that when those things happened it would be family money then I set up the joint accounts worked out all the expenses and we sat down together and set up standing orders to the joint accounts.

Our money is totally shared

No way I would have married without that being the deal
Apart from when I was on Mat leave we have earned much the same but to me it’s the principle
TBF he does‘treat’ buying me flowers and great presents,but that’s just because I am not great at buying myself stuff

A few years ago I was self employed and not able to work for several months due to illness. I only received SSP. My DP subsided me financially, because that is what is sort of being in an equal partnership is about.

He didn’t expect recompense, although when I was earning again I did replace some of the money, but it was still our money.

I mean you should have asked but it's a shame he doesn't treat you. Me and my partner keep money separate just split bills but he still buys me treats 🤷🏽‍♀️

Flippin hell OP that is disgusting...how on earth can you stay married to that?

He’s awful. My DH is careful with money. Shops around and likes a deal. He out earns me x7. But I work around our kids with special needs and do all the childcare. Money goes into one big pot. I would question why you’d want to stay with this man. He sounds abusive.