Does your husband treat you?

[NoMoreChoccy]

Just that really!

My husband earns 4x my wage - I run a small business from home while I look after our young children so my income / earning potential is much much lower than his. He pays more of the households bills than me although still has more disposable income than me after we’ve both paid our share of the bills/food. I treated myself to a takeaway on his card (£14) and he’s gone mad. Says I have no right, it’s disrespectful to expect him to pay for my treat, I should pay for myself if I want something. We have separate bank accounts - he refuses to have a joint account and I have to transfer money across to him to cover certain bills / costs. I grew up in a household where mum and dads money was “shared family money” - there was no mine / yours so I find this a bit alien anyway but maybe it’s more common than I think? We never go out for dates and he doesn’t buy me gifts / flowers or anything like that. When we do family days out I almost always pay and I’m always buying lunch /treats etc for all of us. Am I being that unreasonable to pop £14 on his card as I don’t get paid for another week? It would just be nice if for ONCE he offered to treat me 🙄

What does he do with his money?;does he squirrel it away in savings?

Wow he splits the bill when you are out with the children!!! This is so unfair. Do you do the majority of the childcare, housework, house administration, etc....you are a partnership for goodness sake. There should be a joint account and then separate accounts. My husband earns way more than me because he was able to climb the career ladder while I stayed home and did EVERYTHING ELSE . He doesn't even know what time the kids finish school but If I used his account number to buy a takeaway he'd be like go for it treat yourself wouldn't bat an eyelid

My DH doesn’t treat me as such he might pick up my favourite wine etc but I don’t work so he pays for everything. However I can buy whatever I like from the joint account

My husband earns almost twice what I do, we both work full time. We've shared money for years and he's never made me feel guilty about spending it. I don't understand separate finances but each to their own I guess. Your husband kicking off over £14 is way overboard. It's crazy for him to be so tight if you have kids together.

Thanks everyone for responding, I really appreciate it. It’s really interesting to read about how others are. I don’t really discuss it with friends in real life as I find it a bit awkward. I did tell one friend and she said similar to all of you - she was also married to someone similar but has since divorced! My husband makes out like my parents set up is old fashioned but what on earth is old fashioned about everything being one when you’re married and have children? It’s definitely my husbands upbringing, his parents are the exact same and consider something as small as a glass of wine in a pub an “indulgence!” He inherited some money from his grandmother which he put towards buying our house but has since said that he would hate it if I tried to take half the house in a divorce (we were talking about a couple we knew who were divorcing) as it’s “his money” and it would be deeply unfair if I got my hands on it. He tried to get me to sign an agreement that I would only ever ask for 20% of the house but I said no 🙄

Good god OP this really is not good. Not only is he tight with 'his'money, but he is humiliating you in public in the process!.
Please read back what you have written , you must realise this is not ok.

Also I did ask for a joint account and we even opened one but he’s paid the prize amount of 0 pence into it 😃 so it was basically a massive waste of time. I then asked to be added to his current account and he could siphon money off into his other separate account and we could keep the current one as one we use to pay bills / household expenses / kids stuff etc. you can probably guess his answer!

He's nasty.

Starting deducting 50% of your loss of earnings from the money you transfer to him. After all if you weren't looking after HIS children you would be earning more.

It's awful that he saw you as lesser and deserving of less - how little he thinks of you, your role and his DC.

Next family outing make him pay his way - fuel, entrance, his food and 50% of the DC costs. It may get through to him how petty and utterly selfish and abusive he is.

🤬

Where is all his money OP? Do you have savings?
We don't have a joint account but our savings are divided exactly in half. DH earns more than me so pays far more than me re household expenses. He's also a bit of a skinflint, but he does not question how I spend my money nor if I ask him for cash for my current account if I'm short. He'll just transfer it over.
I would use his card to pay for something necessary if I didn't have mine or didn't have the cash available, and that would be fine.
The situation you are in is wrong and abusive I'm afraid.

He will even call me out in the supermarket if I don’t have enough to pay for a food shop asking me in front of the cashier / other shoppers what I’ve spent all my money on. I hate it! But when I tell him he’s embarrassed me he says I shouldn’t care what other people think.

He won't mind you saying, 'you earn 4x what I do and I look after our children, that's why I'm skint'. And see if he really don't care.

And LTB. No way DH would treat me like this.

I would never consider the things you've mentioned (paying for shopping/a takeaway when nothing in for dinner/meal out with the kids) a 'treat' for me. It's just normal family life.

DH would never resent buying anything for me or the kids if we needed and/or wanted it.

I think you need to start working full time asap and getting some security for you and your DC.

Google financial abuse and you'll see you're living a textbook example of it.

In our family I'm a sahm and it's all just shared family money. This had always been the case even when we first moved in together and had no mortgage or kids. This is normal and your set up is not - he's probably been conditioning you to think otherwise but it's important you know his way is not fair or the norm.

Once you marry his money is legally yours anyway!

Also I'd start billing him for half of the market value cost of childcare and housekeeping seeing as your income potential has taken a massive hit in taking a career break from full time work in order to raise young children;with most of my friends who have gone part time they've only been able to go full time once their youngest has gotten to 14/15 and can be left home alone during a workday in school holidays/weekends/after school.

I'm going to be put money on the fact he comes and goes as he pleases,you pretty much rise the kids without much help from him and you're expected to do all of the cooking/shopping/cleaning/shopping and you probably carry the mental load as men who are mean with money are often mean in other areas of their lives and have a very entitled attitude.

He was saving but then we had to buy a new car so most of it went on that. I don’t think he’s secretly squirrelling money away although I do know he invested in cryptocurrency…with a not so great result!

DH earns way more than me.
I earned more than him for about two years when we first came out of university, then his overtook and kept growing. I had a child. went PT, changed jobs and now work FT but on a much lower salary than dh.

We have never had separate money since living together many years ago.
So, although he may buy me nice things every so often its actually joint money which we both have equal access to.

He does help with the children when he finishes work. He mainly works from home now so he doesn’t have the commute to worry about since Covid. He takes them out to the playground on the weekend so I can’t fault him there but he doesn’t do any cleaning / household chores, would never dream of putting a wash on or having a go at the pile of ironing in the corner of our bedroom! I spend a lot of evenings / weekends working as I work around the children who are still very young but he wouldn’t think of cooking for me or helping round the house. His argument is that he “can’t do everything” but of course I’m expected to 😀

Suggest to him that you will be getting a full time job. He will have to share childcare cost with you.

Explain that you need a full time job as you have too little money and you are sick to death of being skint.

Or leave him. Because that is what I would do.

Of course he takes them to the playground at weekends:it's free.

I don't see a problem with having separate accounts as long as their is trust, transparency, and generosity.

I think you should've asked or given your Dh a heads up that you were using his card to charge something, however I think he's a prick for being so stingy with his money when you're a family and you are doing most of the child rearing/housework.

*I may have a missed if you already have a full time job. If so your earning power has been diminished due to birthing his children. Explain this to him and if he doesn't understand (chooses not to) or doesn't make moves to even up your disposable money then leave him.

I've always earned less than Dh, we just have 2 accounts, a bills one and spending one. We both have access to both. It tends to work that he pays all the bills and my money is spending money but everything is equal and we both deal with and spend out of both accounts.
I would be really concerned in your situation.
You need to have a serious discussion about it, if he doesn't change I would re think your marriage.

@thenewduchessoflapland ha ha. Spot on!! 😤

He's an abusing bastard. Putting you down in front of people, deliberately. And withholding money when he has plenty.

Make plans to leave, don't let your kids think this is ok. It's not ok.

He doesn't do anything around the house
Begrudged you a pizza
Wants you to sign that you won't take a stake on the house
Pays nothing into a joint account

What are you doing there?

My DH and I have very similar earnings to you and yours.
He currently earns 5x my salary at least.
His number 1 priority is making sure the family has what it needs. So mortgage and bills etc.. Then treats for our children.
Then treats for us.
He happily pays for stuff for me. Clothes, trips etc
We bring different things to our family. His thing is wages. I also work but we’ve have made choices that mean my priority is being available for our kids and our life admin.