Does your husband treat you?

[NoMoreChoccy]

Just that really!

My husband earns 4x my wage - I run a small business from home while I look after our young children so my income / earning potential is much much lower than his. He pays more of the households bills than me although still has more disposable income than me after we’ve both paid our share of the bills/food. I treated myself to a takeaway on his card (£14) and he’s gone mad. Says I have no right, it’s disrespectful to expect him to pay for my treat, I should pay for myself if I want something. We have separate bank accounts - he refuses to have a joint account and I have to transfer money across to him to cover certain bills / costs. I grew up in a household where mum and dads money was “shared family money” - there was no mine / yours so I find this a bit alien anyway but maybe it’s more common than I think? We never go out for dates and he doesn’t buy me gifts / flowers or anything like that. When we do family days out I almost always pay and I’m always buying lunch /treats etc for all of us. Am I being that unreasonable to pop £14 on his card as I don’t get paid for another week? It would just be nice if for ONCE he offered to treat me 🙄

Seriously, @Floweryflora?

THIS is what you are fixated on?
Not the sorrow of OP, who has been financially & emotionally abused for years?

OP think back to before you had children, you'd never have let someone treat you like this. It's unacceptable and is making your life miserable.

I would make an appt to get legal advice and start to compile a plan and all the documentation you need.

You have been financially disadvantaged from becoming a mother. Your income has diminished. Your pension has been adversely affected. Meanwhile, his career, savings and income has progressed. And you are still halving costs! Step back and try to see it that way. I didn't see any of this either. He's taking advantage. You deserve better than this. Luckily you are married and will be entitled to a share of assets. I was not married.

You are not in a partnership. He treats you like a slave that is expected to mother him and then financially screws you over. If you discussed finances before what was the agreement? Did he say he wouldn't contribute and you were expected to be the cook, cleaner, childminder and also working to support yourself financially? You would be better off divorcing him, taking over 50% in the divorce, going for his pension and forcing his hand with maintenance. If he says he is happy being a stay at home dad the having the kids every other weekend shouldnt be too hard a task. Its not easy leaving anyone (I know I'm in the midst of it) but he sounds utterly horrendous and is teaching your children that this is normal. He belongs in the 1700s not 2022!

@MusselMam no I wouldn’t have accepted this treatment and I didn’t expect it all to turn out the way it has. I knew he was tight but because I was working FT and was young and financially independent I didn’t see many of his views emerge until our situation changed. We never really discussed nursery fees / how household chores / cleaning etc would be managed. We were due to put our first child in nursery and were discussing how we would fund it when I was made redundant so we never fully thrashed out the details. I never used to wash and iron for him as he took everything home to his mum well into his 30s! I didn’t mind doing the bulk of things myself initially but my workload has increased and our family has grown which makes it much harder for me to juggle now.

@HappinesDependsOnYou thank you for your support. I really hope everything goes ok for you and a brighter future is on the horizon! X

My DP would get me anything I wanted, even if I had enough money to pay for it myself. He often offers to buy my clothes when we're clothes shopping, and usually brings me a little present if he goes anywhere (like, some chocolate when he goes to the shop).

Your DP sounds awful.

@LindaEllen awww he sounds lovely. When we’ve been in the shops and I can’t decide between two things as I can’t afford both he has never offered to pay for the other - just tells me it’s overpriced anyway and a waste of money 🙄 I would LOVE to have your dynamic x

My parents are like that - my mum was a SAHM and now doesn’t have much of a pension but my dad would literally get anything she wanted (within reason) as he knows she’s sacrificed her career / earning potential to raise us and he just wants her to be happy. It was such a lovely partnership to watch growing up x

Do your parents know the extent of his mistreatment of you Choccy?

@KettrickenSmiled they know a lot of it. I often vent to them as I have no one else to turn to. I feel guilty as I know it bothers them hearing his behaviour but it helps for me to get it off my chest. They keep reassuring me that I can leave any time and they will help me, the children and I can stay with them or my dad will change the locks so my husband can’t get back in 😁 they live quite far away though so would be impossible to do the school run. I may go for a weekend, just pack the kids’ stuff and get away for a breather. I’m sure my husband would just enjoy the peace and quiet rather than actually use the time to reflect on things! He’s currently in bed now while I tidy and look after our little one 🙄

Go to your parents asap Choccy, & STOP worrying about burdening them.

When your DC are grown, would you want them to hold back telling you about bad situations in order not to burden YOU?!

Small steps.
Get those documents copied.
Get a SECRET appointment with a solicitor.
Go & have a respite weekend with the folks.

You need information, solid legal advice, & an outlet to help you manage the emotional fallout. Just taking those small steps will make you feel more in control of your situation, & will also empower you to keep taking the next steps.

It would be much better to move your child now then in a few years. You can not saddle yourself to this man. It’s simply not worth it. Project forward 20 or 30 years none of this is changing.

Your posts have mad me very sad. It's one thing to be the SAHP with a reasonable partner, who earns more yet understands the contribution you make and treats you respectfully as an equal and yes, shock horror, pays for your take aways, but what you describe is awful.
I do not say this lightly as I know how hard it is to do, but I really think you need to think about how you can leave this awful man. x

Your DH is not a nice man Op, he's all about himself and his money and he's never going to be the man you'd like him to be. Basically he's selfish, he makes his money so he spends it without a thought for you or your DC and is really quite angry at the thought of anyone taking what's his.
Sadly, his friends warned you but you didn't listen. They knew he was a bad bet but you had your rose tinted glasses on and now, here you are, with a man who shows you no love, no care, and whose never going to change.
If you can find the strength to get out of this marriage then please, please do because your happiness is never going to be his concern. He'll fight you like a demon for everything but you have legal rights and don't have to come out empty handed

My husband was like this until we went to buy a house and sat down with a mortgage lady. He'd said oh she doesn't earn much, she's just part time. Lady said well why are you part time? Obviously said I look after the baby and the house the other days. She said well that's not 'just' part time, you have not taken into account the childcare fees you would be paying, the cleaning bill you'd have and ironing bill if you're wife worked full time, so add all those up and oh look she's actually saving you xxx amount of money. It was funny from where I was sitting. He changed his tune ever since and we share everything, all the money comes in and goes out and is spend how it is needed to be spent. You need a serious chat!

I think any notion of food being a treat in the usual scheme of things. He struggles to make you a birthday cake is a treat. He takes you out for afternoon tea in a smart hotel is a treat. A takeaway for supper isn’t.
A treat is a mug of tea in bed, flowers, arranging a babysitter and taking you to the theatre or booking a trip to Paris. It might be as simple as planting red tulips to come up next spring in the shape of a heart (bit cheesy perhaps). I
t’s not a chicken korma. You deserve better and that goes beyond having equal access to monies.

Thanks everyone 🤗I’ve been thinking about things all day. I will definitely get myself a bit more organised and yes a serious chat is definitely needed. It’s just a matter of finding the right time and getting him when he’s not tired or in a bad mood! I spoke to my dad today and he just kept repeating that I mustn’t feel trapped and can leave any time which was lovely. I didn’t actually mention anything about my husband or this thread (I’m not sure he would know what mumsnet is 😁) but he must have had a sixth sense!

I was thinking this!!!

@NoMoreChoccy I am pleased that the article I linked was useful to you. However, as @KettrickenSmiled has pointed out, it is unlikely to effect any change in your husband's behaviour. I feel sad for you that if you have any expectations in this regard you are likely to be completely disappointed. May I remind you that this article was only written with the benefit of hindsight; I think even the author, who showed insight when he wrote it, would not have changed his behaviour even if it had been pointed out in a similar way to his article.

I think perhaps you might have a forlorn hope that advice here might save your marriage, unfortunately I don't see any. Your husband is getting exactly what he wants, why would he bother changing? I don't see a "chat" improving your situation.

What I will say is that there is a lot of support here, please avail of it. You don't deserve to be treated they way he treats you, he is awful. Also perhaps have a think as to whether you want your children growing up thinking this is how a father behaves and this is how a mother responds. You, and they, are valuable human beings. Insist you be treated as such. This is likely to mean you need to walk away from your marriage, but it would be worth it. Hugs.

So you do all the childcare. Does he pay you a wage for that? Because if he wants to keep his precious finances separate, he should be. Otherwise I'd be taking a full time childcare wage out of his account for myself.

It sounds like financial abuse to be honest. Sorry he's a dick

And don't forget the housekeepers wage, the cleaners wage, and the chefs wage too. That should even up your earnings somewhat.

What a silly post on wages. Who pays their partner wages, and if he pays her wages . Nanny cleaner and chef wages, lol. On what planet is this a reality.

All other issues about your finances aside, no, I'd never use dh's bank card for anything. I'd be pretty pissed off if he used mine too. Treats are treats and they should come from personal spending. We have a joint account as well as separate current and savings accounts. I wouldn't put a takeaway through the joint account either unless it was for the family. So I do think you've overstepped in this sense.

But it sounds like your collective handling of finances is a bit of a mess. You need to use a joint account for joint expenses and work out how much you each need to contribute to it to make it equitable. Then family days out, food shopping, clothes for dc, etc. all come out of that. I personally would cease to send him money and not pay for joint expenses from your own account until he sorts it out. Surely, if he's suddenly having to pay for everything, he'll be inclined to put all the joint money in the right place so you can access it and use it for paying for household expenses (though not takeaways).

Your dad sounds lovely. And hes right. You don't need to feel trapped. Perhaps your dad knows more about your situation than he is letting on.

All other issues about your finances aside, no, I'd never use dh's bank card for anything. I'd be pretty pissed off if he used mine too. Treats are treats and they should come from personal spending. We have a joint account as well as separate current and savings accounts. I wouldn't put a takeaway through the joint account either unless it was for the family. So I do think you've overstepped in this sense.

@mindutopia OP's DH uses HER bank cards whenever he wants to.
OP has very little personal spending - because she earns 1/4 of H's wage yet has to bear 50% of all their costs.

Why are you telling her she overstepped, using H's bank card ONCE, but not mentioned his use of hers?