Does your husband treat you?

[NoMoreChoccy]

Just that really!

My husband earns 4x my wage - I run a small business from home while I look after our young children so my income / earning potential is much much lower than his. He pays more of the households bills than me although still has more disposable income than me after we’ve both paid our share of the bills/food. I treated myself to a takeaway on his card (£14) and he’s gone mad. Says I have no right, it’s disrespectful to expect him to pay for my treat, I should pay for myself if I want something. We have separate bank accounts - he refuses to have a joint account and I have to transfer money across to him to cover certain bills / costs. I grew up in a household where mum and dads money was “shared family money” - there was no mine / yours so I find this a bit alien anyway but maybe it’s more common than I think? We never go out for dates and he doesn’t buy me gifts / flowers or anything like that. When we do family days out I almost always pay and I’m always buying lunch /treats etc for all of us. Am I being that unreasonable to pop £14 on his card as I don’t get paid for another week? It would just be nice if for ONCE he offered to treat me 🙄

My husband earns much much more than me but we divide it so we have equal spending money. We are a family and he can only earn his high salary because my career has taken a massive hit from having time with the kids

I genuinely dont understand the attidude of separate money. It doesnt make sense

You are low wage because of the kids younhave with him. He is high earning because you are at home . It is joint money

My husband and I earn the same, but he treats me often.

He doesn’t buy flowers or jewellery very regularly, but it’s simple gifts like my favourite chocolate bar or a bottle of Pepsi.

He will make me gifts as well, he has a laser cutter and 3D printer for his work, so will make beautiful and personal things for me.

He goes all out and spoils me on my birthday with luxury items. This year I got a Disney Dooney and Bourke. Not outrageously expensive as we just can’t afford that, but things I love nonetheless.

My favourite things are always the homemade and crafted items. He’s a very clever man.

He also spoils me with love and attention and as long as he does this I can live with expensive bouquets and diamonds.

*without!! the expensive bouquets and diamonds.

@Sagittarius25 i love that! I so wish that would be the case for us.
@DottyLittleRainbow no backstory I promise! No debt, no credit card, have never gambled. In fact he’s the one who used to love gambling which completely went against his views on money. I could never see how those two traits existed in the same person!? Would be quite happy to drop £100 in a casino but would refuse dinner invitations with friends in case they split the bill equally and he would end up paying £10 more than his meal came to! He thinks paying even 50p above what he’s eaten is very unfair 😁

@ClearWaterShark wow what a lovely thoughtful man!

Your replies are terribly sad OP. It’s clear you don’t have any sense of your own worth and value and are willing to live being abused. I get that separation is hard, and as you are married to someone clearly narcissistic, there will be a period where it’s incredibly difficult. Just don’t kid yourself that it’s better for the children if you stay. I can guarantee the impacts of you staying are far greater on them. Please get yourself into some counselling. You might not be ready to leave yet, but maybe with decent support you will get there. You do deserve more than this, you are strong enough to weather the storm of separation, and your children deserve more than this.

We're married so all money earned is family money, there is no "my money" and "your money." That's the whole point of marriage surely.

It sounds like in you this guy basically has a free servant? You look after his kids, cook, clean he doesn't pay anything towards this and in fact YOU are paying more towards food etc?

I mean seriously what is in this for you?

Wouldn't you be better off divorcing him, taking half and getting as much as you can in child support?

Yes my dh does treat me, and I out earn him by quite a bit. He'll buy me the odd bunch of flowers. We went out this weekend and he paid for the meal and drinks.

In your shoes op I'd have told him to stick his £14 up his arse, and in future you'll be charging him the going childcare rate of £5 an hour for when he's at work.

You are laughing this off but I hope that you can face the painful truth someday soon.
You're wasting your life with a horrible, unkind man. He doesn't care enough to give you £15. He treats you like a domestic unpaid servant. You deserve much better

The fact that you’ve been married 13 years, you’re the mother of his children and earn far less yet he makes you pay half the bills is shocking to me. Calling you out at the checkout? Not doing housework? I don’t know why your posts are full of laughing emojis - this man is no laughing matter. He’s an absolute prick and he treats you like a lodger who provides free housekeeping. And you are enabling it. What a terrible model of a relationship for your children…

@waterrat i don’t get the concept either. The trouble is my husband doesn’t see where I’m coming from at all. He doesn’t understand why anyone would dream of sharing their finances.

I’m all for separate finances but that’s not marriage. He doesn’t care about you or if you’ve got enough money to live off etc. Sorry I couldn’t live like that

All of this.

My husband has the second credit card attached to my account.

We have similar attitudes to money, and I wouldn't dream of questioning him.

We have our own accounts but it is 100% shared money.

He's an absolute shit OP.

He enjoys the control.

And making you feel small.

Dear OP I wish I can reach out and give you a hug as I totally understand how you feel. This is a very sad way to live and I know it because I lived it. I finally separated from a man like this after being together for over 25 years. We started off by having a joint account, so all the money was going into the same pot, which is how my parents lived. However, my ex, controlled all the money. I could not buy anything without checking with him first. After about ten years of marriage, and after I learned that he lost whole lot of money through investment I asked that we each open personal accounts in addition to joint one, and transfer each month a certain amount, so that I can have some control over my own money. This was definitely better for me, but because I am a generous person I ended up buying and paying much more often for the house and the kids and spending a lot more money then he did. He too would never treat us with “his” money, hated to spend on house, kids or me, just himself really. He was never big on presents big or small either. We were rarely going out because he thought it was a waste of money, not for dinners, concerts or anything like that. We rarely traveled and if we did it would be dull and boring because he would not want to do anything that required spending. This is financial abuse OP, just so you know and for me it was only part of the problem.There was also emotional abuse as well, so after all these years I just could not take it anymore and I left him. I wish you all the best OP and want you to know, you deserve more.

I don’t mean to laugh it off. I guess I’m trying to make light of it to make the whole thing feel a bit less depressing / dramatic! In all honesty, I would never think I’m being abused. I’m no wallflower in person, I say what I think and make clear I hate his attitude and behaviour but it makes little difference. He acts like I’m mad, shaking his head and tutting. I do need to do some reading and I think I probably would benefit from speaking to a counsellor or someone objective. I tell my parents but they’re obviously emotionally involved. We’ve been together for a while now and he was my first serious boyfriend - the first one I moved in with and considered a future with. I can’t see that he will ever change, the only thing I can do is leave but it would be so tough. It would mean uprooting our whole lives. I couldn’t afford to stay living in our area so it would mean a new school and nursery and the children are so settled and happy I would hate to do that.

Oh OP you need to either get a full time job and split absolutely everything with him (childcare, drop offs, pick ups, admin, cooking, cleaning), or leave him. This kind of individual does not change. I'm so sorry you're going through this, it's not normal or okay.

My DH earns 2x what I do, he pays the mortgage, car, diesel, and all bills. I pay for food, DC clothes etc and the food shop. DH generally always insists on paying for any coffees or meals out, and pays for all of our family holidays in entirety. We don't "treat" each other, we just live!
We both WFH full time, he splits everything with me at home. I cook, he does the dishes. I'll stick a laundry in, he hangs it up to dry.

We're not perfect but my point is, your DHs controlling nature is not normal or acceptable. Please value yourself higher than you are right now.

But if you have kids won't you stay in the house?? When my parents divorced my mum got the house. You need to see a solicitor.

Why are you with him?

Get some counselling alone.
Speak to a solicitor.
Work out whether to go back to work full time or try to make more money in your business by using childcare and working longer hours.
Start playing detective and get as much information as you can on your husband’s finances.
Squirrel away some cash.

Make all these plans secretly then leave when you are ready. Do not “ ask him for a divorce “. Its not a gift he gives you.

Do not make threats. Do not beg him to change. Do not try to extract promises from him.

Just make the plan then leave.

@movingon2022 thank you for your kind words. I’m so glad things have turned out well for you and I wish you all the best for the future x

Sorry but no way did you need to ask. That's number one.

And number 2 he sounds like a total shit, sorry. You should be pooling all your money and sharing whatever is left over equally. He shouldn't have more disposable income than you because you are both contributing to the household.

Im considering going part time and me and my DH have discussed that as soon as I do we will pool all our money and we will split it or he will pay more to ensure that we both contribute proportionally and that we both end up with the same money leftover.

Have you got a pension? Have you got any savings? I would start squirrelling some away asap. Are you married?

@Eelicks i spoke to a solicitor last year. We were going through a difficult patch and I wanted to know what would happen if I made the decision to leave. I could fight to stay in the house but he could argue that if he doesn’t get his share he cannot afford a deposit on a home for himself and the children. It would also likely be my responsibility to pay the mortgage / bills and I would barely be able to exist if I covered all of that alone. He has previously said he would quit work so I don’t think I could chase him for much maintenance 🙄 his parents have a sizeable house where he could live comfortably and he stands to inherit it one day so he will be fine!

O.M.G. Pathological tightness.

Our money is pooled apart from a small personal amount we allow ourselves. So no point in either of us treating the other as it all comes out the same pot.

@UnshakenNeedsStirring we’ve known each other for so long and know each other inside out. In that sense it’s comfortable and we do still laugh together. It’s just that we have such different views on what constitutes a partnership.