Found condoms in DH’s suitcase

[Rainyautumnday]

Regular, name changed here. DH travels for work a fair bit - maybe every 6 weeks. He’s about to head to a conference. He’d left his packed but open suitcase on the bed and I just moved it and had a look inside and found 2 condoms in his wash bag. It’s a new case and bag and we haven’t been on holiday together since he had it.

Do I confront him now or wait until he’s back? I know he’s unhappy at lack of physical relationship - I have been depressed and had low libido, but things are ok otherwise

@Dontaskdontget agree

I would talk to him and see what he says. Years ago my dp and I gave up smoking, drinking, got healthy as we were TTC. A couple of years later, still no baby and we were discussing ivf. My dad found an old handbag of mine and gave it to me. I had a wee hoke through, saw a pack of cigarettes and some tissues which were rubbish, stuck them in the pocket of the coat I was wearing meaning to stick them in the bin and forgot about them. Couple of hours later my phone was ringing and dp looked for it in my pocket, saw the cigarettes and was really upset that I was smoking when we were struggling to conceive. Only I wasn't. Sometimes strange things turn up for innocent reasons. Check the expiry date for starters, but also see what he says and how you feel about it.

This is what I mean! It can be innocent.

How long have you been married Op?

I have a friend who has been married 26 yrs, since they were young. Her husband goes away on work trips often. She recently told me she would be amazed if he hadn't had sex with others during all that time. I was shell shocked, she was non plussed. She then told me she herself has been attracted to other people and if they had fancied her too, she would have slept with them . She is unhappy but stuck due to finances. She has an escape plan but it involves what her lovely beloved Dad and what he will leave for her in terms of finances and, has put in place for her her so, she is bidding her time.

EVERY man i EVER worked with and known , in over 35 yrs of working, since the late 80's and present day, who is married; has slept with co workers and also hit on me and others, even present day. Even today, i have experienced this and witnessed this. I know someone who had a baby in the 90's ( the female) as a result if an affair and, agreed to keep it secret until the chid was 18 as; the father was married with 2 young DD's at the time and was a respected solicitor. She was paid a generous amount of money each month to stay within the agreement that their shared child; would only be revealed when his then own very slightly older daughters had been to uni , then his wife could know and leave if she wanted, once his daughters were educated and ready for the world. During this whole 18 yrs time he maintained regular with contact with the child who was a son , his only son.

I guess i am saying i do not know what marriage means. As a younger woman i always rebuffed these sleeze bags, even though i fancied them. Now, as an divorced woman who was always faithful, i see sex differently. I see it as just sex. So do i ask if they are married? Honestly no. It suits me.

Some, feel it ok for their spouse to sleep around, if it protects their own interests and marriage. They will turn a blind eye to safeguard what they have ;others do not. I suspect it is unrealistic to be monogamous for life. I do not know what to say Op, this is a horrible time and discovery for you.

No, you don't shag about. If your needs aren't being met then you split up first.

I’m an ideal world…

@Mexicola well said.

Imagine one of us ladies doing that. It would not happen unless we were meeting a fitty and being hopeful.

🤮

'Us ladies' 'fitty' - grim choice of words.

Don't be silly. OP's DH explanation is plausible. He may also be lying. It's not a definite 'gotcha' moment though, and you should use it as an opportunity to discuss what a going on for both of you in your relationship.

Every man you've known and worked with has been unfaithful?!

EVERY man i EVER worked with and known , in over 35 yrs of working, since the late 80's and present day, who is married; has slept with co workers and also hit on me and others, even present day.

🙄 you know some spectacular sleaze bags then. 'Every man' - really?

I'd staple a price of paper to them with a message for him 'dear dh, don't bother coming home'

I was literally going to say this! I did it with DP bag when I bought him a new one at Christmas.

If you use a specific brand, or don’t have sex very often then look at the label and the dates on them… see if they’re new. Pretty sure some come with a production date on them… might be making that up. But if you’re still not sure try and do some digging.

But this alone wouldn’t make me too paranoid to be honest.

Leave them in the wash bag if they are gone when he gets back you know for definite!

The explanation is completely reasonable given behest you’ve said but only you can decide if it’s reasonable to you. Just remember to take replies on here with a massive pinch of salt. This is Mumsnet, a man only has to breathe to start the inevitable chorus of LTB!! LTB!!!

*given what you’ve said

Posh wank? Sorry but I refuse to believe that any man uses a condom to have a wank.

@RNLD1981 @EarringsandLipstick
Yes.

I also have a large number of female long married friends who have also cheated. This is why i am now single.

I'd be inclined to believe him, if you have no other reason to doubt him, especially if it fits with his usual habits. If he's usually very fastidious, this might be suspect, but if he's a bit untidy, or if he tends to pack in a hurry, it fits that he would just toss things from one bag to another without looking carefully. DH is definitely the type to just throw the new things in and not really notice what else was already in there.

If you use condoms and they were mixed up with a whole lot of other stuff and they expire this year and he's a last minute packer I'd be inclined to believe him. It doesn't really add up otherwise - surely he could buy some at the airport or in a bar and you'd never know rather than be plotting so far ahead.
Having a DH away a lot is hard. I would work on your anxiety and health as a priority if you aren't already.

You are the OP's husband, aren't you?

I've got condoms in old suitcases and washbags and make up bags all over the place. It was drummed into us as students about AIDS and Hep C to never go anywhere without one - we were showered with the things and they were in baskets on the bar and in night club loos, shops student union left bags of them everywhere. We were trained to take them everywhere like tissues or front door keys! I wouldn't think twice if my husband had them in his washbag. It does not mean your husband intended to have sex with someone on his trip! More importantly, you aren't having sex with him, you have said he is unhappy (of-course he is) then you look through his stuff and cross question him about the condoms. Honestly WTF. Your marriage won't last the way it is going.

RedFlagAtNight www.boots.com/sitesearch?searchTerm=mens%20washbags

Not one contains jonnies.

What's a posh wank?

Isnt that a myth men made up?

What did you expect ? Really. It's a sad fact of life if men don't get sex I. Their relationship they will get it elsewhere It's horrible but why don't women realise this

I am so sick of this urban myth getting dragged up over and over

There is no such thing as a “posh wank”.