Found condoms in DH’s suitcase

[Rainyautumnday]

Regular, name changed here. DH travels for work a fair bit - maybe every 6 weeks. He’s about to head to a conference. He’d left his packed but open suitcase on the bed and I just moved it and had a look inside and found 2 condoms in his wash bag. It’s a new case and bag and we haven’t been on holiday together since he had it.

Do I confront him now or wait until he’s back? I know he’s unhappy at lack of physical relationship - I have been depressed and had low libido, but things are ok otherwise

You're kidding! Is that really a thing?

Again are you serious.....

He is having an affair, why should she stick around.

I wonder if it would work the other way round?

Use the time he is away to get an info you can. Laptop, iPad etc left at home. Bank statements. Expenses. Old headset in a drawer?

Check if the condoms are there when he gets back.

Deal with it when you are ready.

Oh well that's alright then, let him get his shag, after all he's not emotionally invested... FFS, have some self respect.

Go to the chemist and buy some extra extra large ones and swap them over, of he is cheating he wont notice in the moment until he realises he is looking like he has a football sock hanging off his big toe, can't imagine it would do that much for the other him or her either

If it's for a posh wank then he probably see the funny side of it

Spot the male responses on here...

My friend does sex work and most of her customers are men travelling with work and away from home for a couple of nights.

I wouldn’t assume affair and start searching for evidence, as you’re low libido and he’s frustrated and he’s carrying condoms, I’d assume he’s using prostitutes.

There's something weird in this. Why would you open his washbag? Checking he packed his toothbrush? It's not something that most people would do at random?

Do you have other suspicious? It's difficult for both parties with miss matched libido, especially when it's a recent thing but given you've talking about it, surely it's time to talk about it again? Are you still affectionate? Is it seen as a joint issue or is the a blame game etc?

Jesus Christ people! A 'posh wank' is not a thing. It's some bullshit excuse that a man came up with for having condoms when he shouldn't have. Seriously, men do not wank into condoms! Please don't even put this ridiculous excuse into his head OP.

Take a photo, wait till he gets back and see if they are still there, cover them with vaseline and chilli powder.

PS - the posh wank theory, seriously ask the men in your lives. This is not a thing. Most men hate warding condoms and only do so to prevent pregnancy/STDs. They aren't wearing condoms for a wank!!!!!

Replace them with a note saying ‘looking for something???’

Why were you going through his stuff in the first place?

It sounds like you were checking his stuff as you already had your suspicions, therefore it’s not just the condoms.

Of course you have to confront him.
You are not going to be happy not saying anything and pretending everything is find until he comes back.

?

Maybe wait until he is back.

It's really your call@Rainyautumnday

I think if he wasn't going to use them he would of taken them out.

I really don't know but you could play if call just try digest what you found and if he is cheating plan what you want to do. But you have no proof yet until he comes back and condoms are there.

Could it be he had them in there last time and he just hadn't used them.

Yeah. Men go to such great lengths to get out of using condoms during sex... do you really think they would use them for masturbation? Why???

I don't buy it

Link or I'm calling bullshit

@RedFlagAtNight where do you buy your washbags?

Right, I’m back after having a conversation with him. I have no impulse control, so couldn’t wait until he got back to confront him. I told him what I’d seen and he put it down to moving things from an old bag to the new one without really paying attention. To be fair, they were in a bundle with some old stuff like tissues, hand sanitiser wipes etc, and he always packs super last minute and doesn’t pay any attention to packing toiletries etc. He told me it was an honest mistake. We use condoms ourselves. One of them had a 2022 expiry date so must have been ancient. Absolutely no other sign of cheating.

No idea if I’m being a complete mug

How very outdated this thinking is...Um...actually, definitely a thing. A 'posh wank' or sometimes called just a 'clean wank' as it reduces clean up. Also, if he enjoys a bit of prostate play he could have had a toy of some description in the luggage which he uses the condom on in order to minimize clean up.

Just because you don't have experience with some forms of sexuality or sexual practice doesn't mean they don't exist.

...All possibilities...but, yeah, still far more likely he was preparing to cheat or to hire a prostitute when away.

OP, this is a difficult situation. You are obviously feeling hurt and vulnerable at the moment because of your low libido. What you do now is up to you. You have to decide who you are and what you want out of confronting him. If he is cheating or planning to, is that an irredeemable betrayal for you? What do you want? What would you want to happen? Divorce? Separation? Reconciliation?

If you want reconciliation, then in what form? Are you willing to compromise on monogamy or do you want to seek help for the issues you both seem to have and to push forward to try and rebuild your relationship back to what it was...or forge something new?

Solutions can be black and white, or they can be grey. Either way, I wish you the best and offer my sympathies OP, you have some hard decisions to make and some hard time ahead.

@CarefreeMe I moved the suitcase off the bed (because it doesn’t feel hygienic) and just decided to look in there - I’m generally really nosy, always have been, so just decided to have a look. But I guess there’s always an intrusive back of mind thought about women he might meet at these things. I have anxiety though so always think the worst and catastrophise. He’s given me no reason to be suspicious

Thanks for coming back to tell us and not leaving us hanging!
Only you can decide whether you believe him or not OP. If it rings true for you, there's been no other red flags and you trust him, then only you can know if this is enough for you going forward.

Sounds plausible to me OP. But I would keep my eye out for other signs, just in case.

Well you'll never know now. He'll be on high alert and deleted all evidence.

So men hate wearing condoms for sex but will wear them for a posh/ clean wank?!
It's laughable.