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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I contacted the OW

367 replies

Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 12:03

You may have seen some my previous threads. I tried to get over it after being lied to clinging on to his version of events as my brain has somehow wanted to believe him.

I was so clear that if we had any chance any chance at all at getting past this through therapy ect that I needed the truth and no more messages to be deleted.

I went away for a week and came back to find he's been deleting messages again.

His reasons are because he thinks I can see what's on his phone so he was testing this and that the messages were purely work related.

This morning something just snapped not in an angry way but just how can you think I will buy this anymore?

I asked for her number to message her and he sent it..

Don't think anything good can come from this and I don't even know why because I don't think she will message back or if she does she will just back up what he has said I imagine.

Sorry using this place as a space I can get out what's been kept in whilst also hearing other people's stories of being in a similar situation.

I've never felt so lonely or lost in my life. I feel I switch between believing him to thinking there is no way this is okay and I need to leave now.

OP posts:
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 14/11/2022 12:07

I do not know about your other threads but reading this... he is playing you OP.
If he has done it before then he will always do it knowing he can get away with it because you don't do a thing to stop it.
You can of course - stop it. You can walk away

LemonDrop22 · 14/11/2022 12:11

It depends on what terns their relationship is currently.

I'd she is still invested in wading him, keeping him onside, being in his good books etc. She won't tell you the truth.

If she's angry and done with him and thinks he's never have left/will never leave for her ... She might.

LemonDrop22 · 14/11/2022 12:11

*If

Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 12:12

ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 14/11/2022 12:07

I do not know about your other threads but reading this... he is playing you OP.
If he has done it before then he will always do it knowing he can get away with it because you don't do a thing to stop it.
You can of course - stop it. You can walk away

That's the thing I can't I don't drive, I don't have a job and we aren't married been together nearly a decade the house is his. I've been lucky with a small business I have so saving as much as I can but in today's world it isn't much to get back on my feet.

She's seen the message.

He keeps making out I am being unreasonable but over the past few weeks he has lied and lied. I put something on his phone so I could see stuff if he deletes it not great on my part but I honestly thought I must have seen things it got to a point I thought I was going crazy

I come home and I find his taken it off his phone and deleted loads of apps worrying what I've done I didn't tell him I just said I know he has been deleting stuff for example her messages of wanting him to call her ect

I just wanted it in black and white. I thought it would give me the strength I needed and to realise it's not all in my head.

It's been almost scarey in a way watching the person you thought loved you lie with such ease.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 12:14

We have small children together I've been a stay at home mum whilst being engaged stupidly thinking we had a great relationship and after the lock down stuff being married would happen.

I've lost a stone i can't sleep I just feel things are okay and then something else comes out.

OP posts:
ChangedmynameagainforChristmas · 14/11/2022 12:18

He knows he has you where he wants you and thinks you can't do a thing about it, Now that is control with a capital 'C'.

You can do something. You can walk away. You are not his prisoner

Panamera22 · 14/11/2022 12:19

I can only imagine how painful this is - if you feel you will benefit from making contact then you were right to. I hope you can gain some relief in a small way from it.

Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 12:20

Yeah I feel he has said one thing to her and one thing to me there were some messages for awhile where she would just respond ok ok really dead responses to being back to joking again and can't help feel he patches things up.

Again half of this I have to piece together. He works for her.

She would message at midnight and delete messages and say sorry I'll behave and that's what started it and he just denied it.

She is also married with kids so doubt she will want it to come out

OP posts:
Opaljewel · 14/11/2022 12:23

How can you live like this op? Your kids don't need a stressed mummy. Please release yourself from this cage you've put yourself in.

You can be free and in peace. You could never trust him again could you really?

Get your ducks in a row. Look at gingerbread for solo parents and check out how much child tax credits you get or whatever they are called these days.

You can do this.

Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 12:25

I put something on his phone I know also why I think even if it wasn't that bad it's past the point of return.

I come home and he's made it so his phone hides stuff ect and there is just no good reason for that is there?

If he wanted i prove how innocent he was he would be open about it but all he has done is minimise it and delete their conversations but leave some messages so he has control over the narrative.

When it came out the next day I asked to see his phone and he went see if there was deleted messages you would see that as on WhatsApp it can say message deleted ect so I apologized and cried believing him only to find out he had deleted stuff and that was painful that he let me apologize when he had in fact deleted messages.

This is when I started snooping and would see he would delete some messages and I've just been a mess since to be honest.

I've been on Mumsnet for a long time I've been the one to tell people to leave and now I'm in that situation and your mind just doesn't see things as clear cut. I feel I'm in a constant fog.

OP posts:
Whataretheodds · 14/11/2022 12:25

OP, all the energy you are putting into trying to analyse his behaviour and hers would be better served by focusing on what's best for you.

I think a poster on your other thread recommended the 180. You need to get selfish.

Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 12:27

She's got back to me and said no problem and would I rather she calls me. Shit what do I do?

If she's messages I then have it in writing if I call I worried I won't take it in or say things that could set her off.

She has messaged him at midnight also saying things like wond r what you are wearing ect fuck what do I do

OP posts:
Annabananna1 · 14/11/2022 12:28

She will lie to you if she still wants him. So don't take her word for anything.

gamerchick · 14/11/2022 12:29

OP you're torturing yourself. If you're at the point of bugging his phone, your relationship is over. Accept that and find out what the plan is. Everything else is not worth it. It isn't.

Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 12:31

gamerchick · 14/11/2022 12:29

OP you're torturing yourself. If you're at the point of bugging his phone, your relationship is over. Accept that and find out what the plan is. Everything else is not worth it. It isn't.

You're right. I think I'm going to be sick I just feel I have no control.

I don't even want to hear her voice but at the same time maybe it would help as I think I could help me gauge things. If I say what I know through message she has time to think of a response.

OP posts:
donttellmehesalive · 14/11/2022 12:32

I can't add anything except to say that many of us have experienced this absolutely life-changing devastation. Keep posting here because you will get lots of support and come out the other side.

Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 12:34

Thank you. I knew if I could just leave I would. I've been speaking to women's aid over the past few years when stuff has happened he's never hurt me physically but he gives me the silent treatment, breaks stuff sometimes and things on those lines.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 12:36

He's a high earner and has a very stressful job that I have just made excuses for his behaviour for but this is something I never thought id put up with

When I get upset about it last night he holds me and says he loves me and trys to have sex to I imagine fix things rather than tell me the truth. It's the biggest head fuck.

OP posts:
ImJustMadAboutSaffron · 14/11/2022 12:37

It doesn't matter a bloody fig what he does and why he does it. Same with her. All you need to think about is the best course of action for you and your children. Not trying to work him out or trying to change him because he's an arse who can't change.

Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 12:38

She's just online waiting for my response I honestly don't know what to do I want to know the truth I'm sure some of their stories won't match up.

OP posts:
Floweryflora · 14/11/2022 12:38

Op. Look deep down. Irrelevant of what he’s doing. Are you willing to leave and go it alone`? If you are not,or not any time soon, then stop looking. If you are, then just go, you know he’s cheating and it’s over. Stop looking.

either way stop doing this to yourself and make a decision.

Original poster
Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 12:39

Floweryflora · 14/11/2022 12:38

Op. Look deep down. Irrelevant of what he’s doing. Are you willing to leave and go it alone`? If you are not,or not any time soon, then stop looking. If you are, then just go, you know he’s cheating and it’s over. Stop looking.

either way stop doing this to yourself and make a decision.

You're right. I just wanted everything to make a decision. I think now I won't get it though. I thought I could stay and save up but this is impacting my health and wellbeing beyond measure.

The fear I will some how regret leaving. That I somehow blew it out of proportions.

OP posts:
Floweryflora · 14/11/2022 12:39

Wellitjustgetsworse · 14/11/2022 12:38

She's just online waiting for my response I honestly don't know what to do I want to know the truth I'm sure some of their stories won't match up.

If you really want to know call her. Or say no I’m not ready to talk -lease can you text it first.

Igglepiggleslittletoe · 14/11/2022 12:41

Talk to her. Get your truths.

Nightynightnight · 14/11/2022 12:52

I'm sorry you're going through this. You have two choices.

  1. Continue to scrabble around for some control within the relationship. Spend your days torturing yourself about whether or not he is cheating, finding ways to spy on him or catch him. Accepting his excuses. Driving yourself up the wall and depriving your children of a fully present and engaged mum.
  1. Change the things you can control. The things you can control are whether or not you are in the relationship. Where you and your children live. Whether you and your children have a happy future away from this toxicity. Speak to a solicitor. You may not be married but you may be entitled to something.