I contacted the OW

[Wellitjustgetsworse]

You may have seen some my previous threads. I tried to get over it after being lied to clinging on to his version of events as my brain has somehow wanted to believe him.

I was so clear that if we had any chance any chance at all at getting past this through therapy ect that I needed the truth and no more messages to be deleted.

I went away for a week and came back to find he's been deleting messages again.

His reasons are because he thinks I can see what's on his phone so he was testing this and that the messages were purely work related.

This morning something just snapped not in an angry way but just how can you think I will buy this anymore?

I asked for her number to message her and he sent it..

Don't think anything good can come from this and I don't even know why because I don't think she will message back or if she does she will just back up what he has said I imagine.

Sorry using this place as a space I can get out what's been kept in whilst also hearing other people's stories of being in a similar situation.

I've never felt so lonely or lost in my life. I feel I switch between believing him to thinking there is no way this is okay and I need to leave now.

November - one of the disadvantages of not being married is that the partner could pretend you are a flat mate, friend etc. Being married is very serious often to men who (and I have my tin hat on for this one!) would rather have a child with someone then get married.

Being married is seen as the ultimate step and I have friends who have had children out of marriage, who state its just a piece of paper (it isnt of course!) and give up careers to become stay at home parents or just have something part time.

Over 50% of those relationships break up and surprise surprise the women finds the workplace has moved on without them, their skills are lacking, or they spend months looking for a part time job around school hours with all school holidays off having been out of the workplace for 8-10 years! Needless to say they are terribly disappointed they dont get snapped up by an employer.

Yes - I did have a friend like that....

My partner has admitted she's messaged him on WhatsApp but he said he's staying out of it.

OP - stop this.
You've said it yourself - it's torture.
Far from staying out of it, (this thing that HE caused!) your partner is relishing his position of power.
And you are kowtowing to his power by willingly torturing yourself, doing the Pick-Me Dance.

FFS he cheated. He lied. You already know this.
He is orchestrating OW's replies to you with her. Why are you humiliating yourself like this?
www.chumplady.com/category/pick-me-dance/

Start with the link above. Then go to archives. Spend a lot of time reading ChumpLady - her wisdom, snark, & sense of humour is just what you need right now.

Then get your head in gear & work out what you need to do in order to be able to LTB. Get a CMS claim in. Explore what benefits you would be able to claim. Tell family & friends, ask for help. Pour all your energy into getting you & your kids free of this horrible relationship, & forget about the OW.

I'd rather be in a refuge for a year than put up with this cr@p...

Of course she’s showing him, then they are agreeing what to say. Therefore it’s a waste of time. Shel have a story ready to tell her husband now about aswell.

You’re bargaining from a position of strength so that works in your favour.

In future, prepare for a life with just you and the kids ok.

I find it terribly sad that you are dealing with this situation I do. Especially since you’ve put your own life on hold hoping for the best.

Having said this, it’s not the”50s anymore” where women had no choice but to stay home and mind the children. My point is, I just hope this all turns around for you and you can look back on this event with learned experience.

You’ll be fine.

@Wellitjustgetsworse

Stop thinking about them. Start thinking about yourself. I'm not saying you should stay or leave. It's really your decision, but I think it would help you if you have gathered all the financial facts so that you can make a real plan about what you want to do.

It may be tempting to think about telling OWs husband and letting everything kick-off, but I fear that you could be putting yourself in a much worse situation, whilst you still don't have any firm practical plans. And you won't be able to put the genie back in the bottle.

Focus on the practicalities. You've made a start by contacting WA and having someone to talk to - even if there was a range of opinions on when you might get a refuge Perhaps you should ask them again about who else you can contact to help you solve the living and financial arrangements, even local librarys are very helpful with this info.

I know that sounds stupid to get hung up over but if I leave my business will be on hold and I worry it will be a place that's hard for my children to be in and by that point there really is no going back.
No it doesn't sound stupid at all, a refuge would be an emergency but you've found out about it.

I would probably be on benefits as what I make doesn't cover much or I will have lump amounts here and there but not enough to cover rent ect all the time.
Arm yourself with proper information and facts - talk to someone (Citizen's Advice?, solicitor? - other posters may have better suggestions) There's probably a thread for all that on here somewhere.

Break it down into a step-by-step to-do list to find out exactly what CM you can claim, and how long would it take to set up? Tax relief? Benefits? Grants for small biz. Cost of a small starter rental. Part-time work? Salary sacrifice for childcare costs?

Hopefully, this fact-finding mission might be a welcome distraction. You can't really control what they do. Try to put the main focus of your mind on yourself, your children and your future. Best of luck Op

Is there anything she could tell you at this stage that would make a difference? She's effectively claiming nothing happened...do you believe her?

What difference can she actually make?

The two of them are so below you OP. The whole thing reminds me of an opening scene from a movie where there's a wedding and the man glues the bride to a seat for a joke in front of everyone, and you look at them both and think, she's worth so much more than this loser (I think it's a famous movie, can't remember the name).

Anyway, if you leave you will get child support and maintenance I'm sure, and this horrible doubt and upset and uncertainty dominating your life will disappear. I personally think the hell you are living through now, with the torture of DH and OW working together, colluding, lying to you, and making you feel a fool, will be over when you end it and you may feel very sad but I think the relief will be huge.

So sorry you are going through this OP, you don't deserve any of it.

I would call the OW husbands and tell him everything, then I would sit while sipping a glass of wine and enjoy the aftermath. Oh and I wouldn’t tell a word to your husband, if he’s entitled to secrets so are you.

Or take your young children out for a hot chocolate and a long walk.

come back and when they’re in bed, start gathering financial info and planning

My emojis are my most used but not in order.

This too, but then I’m a wine lover. I believe telling the OW husbands is the only way of gaining control. Both her husband and the OW are messing with the OP’s head so this would be a perfect way of her messing with their head. Yes she needs to put her ducks in a row.

Wine is just about the worst thing to recommend the op

There may well be no aftermath. Lots of people stay. And it looks like OP has no proof.

But I wouldn't waste any energy on trying to ruin OW's marriage. OP needs to focus on her own relationship and what she plans to do about it. Even if she gets this desired aftermath, she's still in the same situation. Might even drive OW into the other man's arms and then the decision might be made for her, without a chance to plan and prepare.

She has messaged him at midnight also saying things like wond r what you are wearing

OP, you don't need more evidence. Do you? You send messages like that to a lover or partner. No one else. I'm sorry. Whether it's a physical or emotional affair, he's cheating with her. They're just messing you around.

I hope you can quickly decide what's the best course of action for you and DC (hint: growing up knowing your father cheats on your mother isn't great), and then go ahead and do it. Best of luck

OP, DuckbilledSplatterPuff posted a useful checklist at 15.21. I recommend working your way through it as soon as possible xx

You don't need 'evidence' of anything to somehow allow you to leave someone.

He's lied and cheated - just go.
Or ask him to go. But end it.

Who gives a shit what she's got to say? All i'd be saying to her is: You're welcome to him.

Mine and my partners on Android and on the keyboard not the WhatsApp emojis it shows mine in order of use but maybe you're right it was all emojis he uses then kissy ones ect that he doesn't

so sorry op. I wouldnt be leaving the home. You have children and until they are 18 they and you as their primary carer are entitled to stay in the family home. I would be telling your partner he needs to find his own place though. As for the OW I wouldnt bother telling her husband, if she behaves as she has done, their marriage is unlikely to last a lot longer anyway to be honest and you need to focus on you and your children. I really wish you all the very best.

You are literally fiddling while Rome burns. .

Why can't you focus on what you need to do to get away from this cheating lowlife of a 'partner'...

You have children and until they are 18 they and you as their primary carer are entitled to stay in the family home. I would be telling your partner he needs to find his own place though.

No, that's not how it works. OP has zero rights to anything other than child maintenance.

Pathetic I've got to analyzing this much..

I don't believe her it is word for word and she ignored the messages I asked about where she sent him saying she enjoys their conversations more than she should ect all deleted now by the way.

She took over an hour to respond and kept deleting and typing then as I soon as I mentioned her husband she started msging very quickly.

Can now see they on WhatsApp at the same time so yeah all in all not worth it don't recommend 😂

My plan still stays the same I have to go. Even with all the so called plausible explanations the way he's handled it and lied repeatedly ect I don't feel I'll ever trust him.

I'll call women's aid again there's also a citizens advice near me so maybe I should go there too.

I'm also looking at jobs at the moment.

Thats just plain wrong advice. He’s entitled to kick them all out at a moment’s notice. You need legal advice

Even his own children?

Yeah this has been the main cause of conflict in our relationship as he's never seemed to care that on paper I am a lodger in his home. There's always something else at work that has been more important.