I contacted the OW

[Wellitjustgetsworse]

You may have seen some my previous threads. I tried to get over it after being lied to clinging on to his version of events as my brain has somehow wanted to believe him.

I was so clear that if we had any chance any chance at all at getting past this through therapy ect that I needed the truth and no more messages to be deleted.

I went away for a week and came back to find he's been deleting messages again.

His reasons are because he thinks I can see what's on his phone so he was testing this and that the messages were purely work related.

This morning something just snapped not in an angry way but just how can you think I will buy this anymore?

I asked for her number to message her and he sent it..

Don't think anything good can come from this and I don't even know why because I don't think she will message back or if she does she will just back up what he has said I imagine.

Sorry using this place as a space I can get out what's been kept in whilst also hearing other people's stories of being in a similar situation.

I've never felt so lonely or lost in my life. I feel I switch between believing him to thinking there is no way this is okay and I need to leave now.

Stop looking at his phone.
save up money for the next 2 months, find a house to rent, sign a tenancy, pack all your stuff when he’s at work and leave.

Looking at another thread on MN, finding a house to rent as a single mother doesn't seem to be all that easy and certainly not at a reasonable rent.

OP is not married, & her partner owns the home @TellySavalashairbrush

She may as well ask him to buy her the moon. Her best bet is to split, & to get a CMS order in place.

He's suggested I go in the past and leave the children as he can provide and has a home.

I also fear that somehow I'll leave and the kids will end up with him with his mum looking after them whilst he works or pays for childcare.

Nothing she says will make any difference, she can't be trusted and your partner is probably putting words in her mouth.
I would tell her husband and tell everyone else who knows your husband, get it all out in open, because he thinks you will be compliant and p!ay along like the good little partner you are. It's fun for them whilst no one else knows, that will soon wipe the smiles off their faces, name and shame the pair of them from the rooftops, put them in a uncomfortable position, like they have you.
There's a saying " The one that would have taken a bullet for you is now the one pulling the trigger" see him as your enemy and get angry and take control. They are both taking the absolute piss. Turn the tables, you are strong and you can do this. Then ring Women's Aid and go from there, they will help and support you, that's your way out.

So you've not married and not got a job either and he's had an affair?

I really don't get why women don't either get married or get a civil partnership or similar to protect their interests. I worked for a solicitor dealing in family/divorce cases amongst others.

Basically, he and her have you under a rock and hard place. Women's Aid will help you but it'll be hard, I won't deny that. They will keep stringing you along and you'll just have to take it.

Is there family you can go to?

Yeah I've looked and nothing I could afford I have a couple months saving that might cover a place but then what? I've been out of work for awhile with a bit of part time work here and there and not sure if be able to afford anything.

Hoping I could find somewhere that excepts housing benefit maybe I could pay first few months then get support? I don't even know how it works anymore.

Womens aid said I would be in a refuge and then sort benefits which covers the costs of being there whilst I bid on a property but that all could take a very long time and I can imagine would effect my children greatly.

Between a rock and a hard place. It's never felt bad enough to just go if that makes sense. I realize now he has been financially abusing me over the years along with the emotional abuse.

Hoping I could find somewhere that excepts housing benefit maybe I could pay first few months then get support?

A landlord won't automatically know you're claiming anything so it's best not to tell them due to prejudice leading to issues.

I always got a friend to say I worked for them so I could put that I had an income on any applications.

No family that can help I have a few friends but they don't have room.

It wasn't from not trying I was young and naive we got engaged and I had two children close together we then booked to get married then covid and then nothing happened.

I also didn't want to force someone to marry me but now looking back wish I did.

My friend thinks I should get married now but again I just don't want to do that. I wish I could be calculating but I end up saying what and how I feel.

All my fault the situation really but can't focus on that now it's too much.

I'd be tempted to find a really good legal aid solicitor specialising in family/divorce cases.

My DM years ago (but she did have some money and support) went to a solicitor, can't recall how she paid, but she did, but it was moreorless a test case and he was experienced, not hugely (the solicitor) but did have experience and I think this was one of his first few important cases. Turned out to be a family friend. Was alcohol related and unreasonable behaviour. Could take a while but you could do it. Could family/friends not lend you money to bring a case? It will be harder as you're not married but maybe not completely impossible.

You could get married but then you'd have to stay married for at least 2 years I think to be able to get divorced etc.

It sounds lIke he is trying to force your hand. Piss you off so much that you leave, I'm telling you!!
Get in first and tell her husband, then see how much they want to be together.

I know this sounds awful but I'd be tempted to find a way to get at his earnings in a legal but illegal way and just salt some away. Risky and no idea how you'd do this but I'd really be tempted.

WTF?

Genuinely bamboozled, this is making no sense to me at all ... what do you mean @GonnaGetGoingReturns?

Look for somewhere to rent. You need to look up what the local housing allowance rate is in your area or the area you want to live. You don't want to over stretch yourself.

Look up the local housing allowance here
lha-direct.voa.gov.uk/search.aspx

You'll be entitled to universal credit if you have no income. Check what you'll get in the benefits calculator.

This is a benefits calculator
benefits-calculator.turn2us.org.uk/

Get out of this relationship ASAP. Think short term pain for long term gain.

Also check child maintenance calculator to see how much ex should give you for the kids.

Yep definitely check the Local Housing Allowance @Wellitjustgetsworse so you know how much rent is covered. The rent they will cover is pretty low so it'll also mean you somewhat target places who will take people on benefits.

It's probably illegal - but if the partner had e.g. some savings in hard cash/jewellery I'd be tempted to get these and take them, but it is illegal...

Ignore me though...

He doesn't want to be honest and she been told not to say anything.

You want to see what her DH thinks about this.

Then somehow leave and take your children.

He never cared for you to be honest.

Yes, ignore this, OP. The last thing you need right now is to get done for theft.

Yes even his own children the only person that has the legal right to be in that house is him. And awful as it may sound a judge will enforce that if asked to.

Absolutely this.

That's appalling. It's awful that a partner can be chucked out but I can follow the logic that it's his house etc, from a legal perspective. But I didn't realise people could also make their own dependent children homeless.

No way of doing that. Doubt he believe it anyway. They are just friends lol

I went through all of this 7 years ago. My word I’m so pleased to be far at the other side. I left with nothing, I struggled but I survived and we live quite happily now. It is absolutely horrible at the time though.

I would stay but get your ducks lined up, study get back into a career. Squirrel money away he has all the control right now. Moving out quickly will be expensive and it's going to be hard getting a career going and paying for childcare.

You need to act legally at all times. A solicitor would tell you stay in the marital home whether it is rented or owned (I have not read the whole thread to check which you are in). Even if it means you both never speak and one of you sleeps o the sofa that is better than if you move out.