I contacted the OW

[Wellitjustgetsworse]

You may have seen some my previous threads. I tried to get over it after being lied to clinging on to his version of events as my brain has somehow wanted to believe him.

I was so clear that if we had any chance any chance at all at getting past this through therapy ect that I needed the truth and no more messages to be deleted.

I went away for a week and came back to find he's been deleting messages again.

His reasons are because he thinks I can see what's on his phone so he was testing this and that the messages were purely work related.

This morning something just snapped not in an angry way but just how can you think I will buy this anymore?

I asked for her number to message her and he sent it..

Don't think anything good can come from this and I don't even know why because I don't think she will message back or if she does she will just back up what he has said I imagine.

Sorry using this place as a space I can get out what's been kept in whilst also hearing other people's stories of being in a similar situation.

I've never felt so lonely or lost in my life. I feel I switch between believing him to thinking there is no way this is okay and I need to leave now.

I asked him to sell the house but again that would take so long.

I've been watching videos today on narrasstic abuse and how it can actually change your brain and I feel that is what's happened to me I used to be so sharp and now I can't make sense of anything.

I believe it’s a bad place sea for you to leave the house as it could be considered child abandonment of some sort. You need to talk with a lawyer ASAP and get informed on your rights and your next step. Oh and don’t believe one word of your psycho husband.

And watch a few videos on narcissistic abuse, how they operate, the Gas lighting, the lies, the manipulation and extreme need for control. Educate yourself on narcissism so that you know what type of monster you’re fighting here.

Sending a big hug. You’re smart and you can do this. Many women have been in your shoes (my mum being one of them, she’s very happily marrried now to a great guy). Do keep in mind it’s going to be a very tough battle and he will use the dirtiest of tricks. Find a support system if you can, friends, family, whatever.

@Wellitjustgetsworse

I think when you get the children sounds bad but take them go.

Get women's aid to help you and just pack the stuff most important to them.

Council even will have to help you if no one. They will need to find you emergency accommodation.

If you stay long enough he be a step ahead because of his support network.

The kids will be okay they always adjust in time. Not easy but they will get use to it.

@Wellitjustgetsworse
"I don't know what he is planning and it's so hard the not knowing what to expect.
I don't know how he will act if I actually go. He's being so civil like it's a work transaction".

Stop being reactive to what ever HE is doing and be proactive about you and your girls and what is best for you all now this relationship is over and it is. He is engaged in an affair, had his head turned and isn't interested in you in the slightest. You are presenting as a NEEDY inconvenience in his life. I get it, I really do as have been in your shoes.

You need to channel your energy elsewhere to your benefit, the harder you cling on, the further he runs. Please pick your self esteem up and start planning as though he is dead. Give him no chance to criticise you as a mother to others. HIS behaviour has caused this situation but how you react is ON YOU.

Do you have any friends for support if no family nearby? If so, lean on them.

Please try to stay calm for your DC and plan for leaving this controlling and abusive man. Sure it may be a tough ride for you and the children, living in B&B or a hostel but in the long run you will feel loads better. Apply for child maintenance as this will give you additional help for the DC.

Stop giving consideration to him, his family and what they 'might' be saying about you.

It doesn't matter.

What matters is removing you and your children from this toxic situation.

This. Keep the DCs with you.
You can do this OP.
He is a vile man.
Glad you contacted solicitor and have an appointment.
He's played dirty financially not to mention emotionally too.
Keep going, stay strong. You can do this. Grey rock and plan away. Better times will come.

You need to separate the issues about money and what you might be entitled to, from the issue of keeping your kids. Does it matter if your life is difficult money wise in the bigger scheme of thing. You will not be the first single parent that might have to rely on state assistance and yo certainly will not be the last.

The million dollar question here is: "What are you waiting for?" He is not going to change. Your marriage is clearly over and you need to leave. Leave with your children without delay. You clearly have offers of help and options from what you say. You are lucky to have that. Take the help and go.

In the nicest way OP now is the time to get tough.

do not leave your kids with this man. Who gives a fuck what his family think? Kids are tougher than we give them credit for, I know in an ideal world we’d all give our kids the perfect family home but don’t you think in 20 years time they’ll be glad you got out of a toxic relationship rather than stick around and suffered?? They’re also not stupid - they will pick up on the atmosphere etc and with help they will adapt to change. You are their mother. This is not a good father. Do you think he’s being a good father when he’s lying to you? Cheating? Using your name for tax purposes? Treating you like crap?? A decent father would do none of those things.

Your scared and fearful because you are sitting for his next steps. So it’s time for you to take the lead.stop waiting.stop caring.stop trying to figure out what ifs and just do.make your decisions

single mothers cope.everyday.op single mothers bloody thrive.and your doing them an offence by that being one of your repeated blockers.
your not hiding this from your children either.beleive me from ever such a young age kids know what’s going on or feel what’s going on at home.it moulds them.
they don’t have the adult brain or abilities to process certain things at their age either so it just ends up feeling and being very very wrong.which appears both mentally and physically.
and you can change this for them.for you.
you are strong enough
and capable

@Wellitjustgetsworse

How are you today?

I was in the space 7 years ago. It’s truly distressing having to make major life decisions while being in such a state from waking up to the person you are actually dealing with.

I left got a flat, it was hard very hard but got much easier now it’s great and he doesn’t even toy with me due to coparenting because he knows there will be zero reaction from me so he doesn’t waste his energy. Best and hardest thing I ever did.

I met a man recently spotted the red flags within a month. I called him out instantly and he blocked me. So pleased I know the signs now I’d never go through that again.

I hooe
youre
ok @Wellitjustgetsworse

Hey I'm not great to be honest I have an exit plan now though with local authorities and have saved up a enough for a deposit and now trying to find somewhere that will accept housing benefit. I don't want to go down the refuge route as been told my eldest will be off school for awhile and there's just less control over where we go.

I decided I wanted to stay local so not to change my kids school. Also much cheaper than moving back to the city I came from even though less friends around me I think I'll be okay. I'll feel better whatever effects my kids the least and feel staying local and same school is best idea.

It hurts I'm breaking down a lot he is being very cold and not nice and acting like he really couldn't care but at the same time he's also never here now so happy about that.

He's also carried on talking to the OW it's all read between the lines but it's helped me realize what an arse he is and will make the worrying I made the wrong decision thing a lot easier.

I also have a weekly therapist session now too which has helped greatly.

Thanks for checking in. X

Sending you strength love.

It won't always be like this.

Take care

💐 Good luck